Knowing You

Chapter Six - NATALIE

Carlyn Stanley is the only child of the affluent Stanley family. She was sent to the town’s elite school for girls, Saint Caroline School for Girls. She was under stiff environment and training but much of this stiffness came from her family. She grew up with constant reminders of becoming a woman with high integrity. They always heard words like lucky and fortunate for being born into a well-off family. Then it all changed when their father no longer went home every night. Not a single night did her parents slept without an argument. It wasn’t long until he left. Her mother was depressed. Her grandparents sent her mother to rehabilitation and she was sent to live in the dorms of Saint Caroline. She was well provided with all the things she needed and wanted but she was never the type who would ask for many things. She asked for a violin and it was sent to her. She had her very own dorm room with only the violin and books for companion. She felt alone though she had friends in the school. Then came Natalie. She was a transferee. She was not like any of the girls she met. Natalie was very lively and daring. She was not conventional. Carlyn just watched her with amazement from afar until the first day of high school came. Carlyn was reading her thick and heavy looking textbook when Natalie sat beside her. She just looked at Natalie as she pulled a pair of earphones from her pouch. Natalie noticed Carlyn staring at her. She smiles and extends her hand to Carlyn.

“I’m Natalie, what is your name?”

“I’m…Carlyn Stanley.”

“That is a nice name but can I just call you Carl?”

“Carl? Isn’t that a boy’s name?”

“It doesn’t matter silly! It’s just a nickname.”

“And how should I call you?”

“Natalie’s fine!”

The introduction she doesn’t usually get from other people she met stuck to her memory. The next day, Natalie would invite her over to sit with her during lunch break. They would do assignments together sometimes and they grew very close. Then, Natalie started skipping classes. Carlyn got worried so she confronted Natalie.

“Do you really wanna know?” asked Natalie.

Natalie took her to the near woods at the back of the school. Natalie held her hand as they walked deeper into the woods. Then they came upon a tree house. Natalie climbs the hanging ladder and noticed Carlyn was just watching her. She gestures with her hand inviting innocent Carlyn to come over. She hastily followed behind. When they were finally inside, Natalie took out a couple of sticks of cigarette.

“Cigarette?”

“It’s more than that…try it!”

She observes Natalie as she lights one and smokes. She puffed clouds of smoke into the air.

“Natalie…is this reason why you skip classes?”

“Will you stop asking questions? Just try it and you’ll know the answer. Here let me light it for you.”

She takes one deep breath and slowly places the tip of the stick between her lips. He breathes the smoke in and coughs for several times. Natalie laughed and gave her a pat on the back. Soon these moments became frequent. Skipping classes became a routine. Natalie felt like they lived in their own small happy world every time they were in that tree house and with it the sticks of cigarette which turned out to be glazed with m*******a. It wasn’t long when Carlyn’s grandparents were called. They were very disappointed with her that they did not allow her to see her mother for the weekly visit. They deemed her a problem that may aggravate her mother’s condition. Carlyn ran to Natalie for a friend and every time she does Natalie would give her those sticks. Then one day Natalie told her she found another way to help Carlyn. She took her to a group of young actors who are not from the same town. There were boys among them. Natalie told her that these boys were older than they are so they have to hide their true age. Natalie then 18 told the group she was 20 and Carlyn who was 17 also became 18. The group went to other places during the weekend. Since Carlyn is no longer allowed to visit her mother on weekends, she decided to commit herself with this group of people even after she barely graduated. She refused her grandparents offer to go to college and take up medicine. She fell in love with acting. They no longer frequented the tree house and the sticks came less. Natalie enjoyed much of her time with the boys while Carlyn was busy mastering this new found craft. Carlyn felt she found her place every time they performed before a crowd. In fact she was good at it that she became a crowd favorite. That was when Tony saw her. The moment he saw Carlyn perform, he was captivated. Soon, he created a theatre company and named it Harper Theatre Ensemble. He made Carlyn part of the pioneering members. Carlyn had to leave the other group and transfer to the city where the Harper was based. She thought, if she has to live alone and make a living, she needs some means. So she pays her grandparents a visit and assumes an obedient granddaughter’s act. She convinces them to allow her to pursue a degree in medicine in the city. They will provide her every need as long as she attends college. So she had her way. They gave her a car, an apartment, and allowance every month. She was very well provided. They expected so much from her but they did not know that she never attended medical school. She spent all her time and effort in mastering her craft. Living in the city taught her to be independent, strong, and sociable. She frequently visits Natalie who is working as a singer in a club and she would invite her on her performances. She loved hearing Natalie cheer and every time she saw her smile she was satisfied.

Part of Carlyn’s craft is to perform beyond what is expected so when the production decides to give them a challenging story with more challenging roles, she has to comply. It’s also her favorite when she encounters new and challenging characters. This time, she is faced with the difficulty of performing a sensual scene with someone on stage. It’s not a peep show but rather a passionate romantic kissing scene which she has never performed because she has only been exposed to wholesome characters. Just like the old times, she runs to Natalie for help. She did not expect the kind of help Natalie offered. She made Carlyn sit on the bed side and she gently pressed her hand on her cheek. She glanced on the script every now and then. Carlyn felt cold and shaky. Her heartbeat is racing and she could hear it on her ears.

“Carl, there is no need to be afraid. Trust me…” Natalie whispered.

Carlyn has never felt Natalies breath so close to hers like they were breathing each other’s air. Slowly Natalie moved closer to Carlyn. Carlyn closed her eyes and felt Natalie’s warm lips on hers. Natalie abruptly stops and whispers, “Relax, silly.”

Natalie continued and she did lead Carlyn. The coldness grew warmer and Carlyn never felt so attached to anyone but Natalie. At that moment it grew stronger and the attachment deeper. That first passionate kiss lingered on Carlyn’s mind and on her lips like she could still feel Natalie’s lips on her lips. She was in love with Natalie. At first she hesitated because she knows that they are both women. But soon she was taken over by the feeling and she welcomed it. She admitted to herself that she is in love with a woman. She became hopeful, but irony takes place in situations in the most unexpected ways. Natalie no longer came to see her performances. She did not even watch her play the part that lead them to that passionate kiss. Carlyn grew worried. It wasn’t long when tragedy started to lambast her.

She brought flowers for Natalie. She was excited to see her. She treaded her way to Natalie’s apartment and climbed the winding stairs. She knocks three times but no one answers. She knocks again and calls out Natalies’ name. Still, no one answered. Then she heard footsteps coming from the stairs and a familiar voice of a giggling woman. It was Natalie but she was not alone. She was with someone. She was with a man! Carlyn fought the idea resonating in her head. As the voices grew louder and the footsteps closer, Carlyn hid herself and climbed a few steps higher. She did not bother caring about her loud and heavy steps. It was though they did not give much attention to it either. She peeked from above and she could not believe what she saw with her eyes. A well groomed man is passionately kissing Natalie. Next thing, she was whispering something on his ears and they both giggled before going inside the room. Carlyn could recall Natalie’s whispers. Although those whispers seemed sweet then, now it felt like a thousand needles pricking her chest. A pain she has never felt before. Her heartbeat was deafening and the silence invited unwanted ghosts of the past. It’s haunting and torturing. She recalled how her mother cried when her father left. She did not understand her mother’s pain but now it seemed clear that though they are at different circumstances, she and her mother felt the pain of losing someone they love but more than that, she felt betrayed.

Carlyn blindly walked the streets without a care if she ever reaches home or not. She just let her feet drag her to wherever. Those feet brought her to the empty Birmingham stage. She sat there crying with the flowers still on her hands. Somehow, she fell into a deep slumber. So deep that it reached to a very deep side of her. A dark, mysterious, and dangerous part of her. As she opened her eyes, she wiped her tears and stood with the flowers scattered on her feet. She went home. She bathe and slept comfortably. The next morning, she came early for the rehearsals. Just like the usual days. Then much to her advantage, a wealthy sponsor’s handsome young man came to visit Tony. He came to invite Tony and the entire company for a party. Carlyn couldn’t take her eyes off this young man as he spoke with Tony. She remembered him. She remembered how Natalie clung to this man and whispered to his ears. A fire burned inside Carlyn as she stood there looking intently at him. He noticed her curious stare and would glance at her every now and then. He did not stay long and left with a smile and his eyes were fixed on Carlyn before he went his way. Carlyn responded with a devious smile.

The evening event was a spectacle. An affluent production company that has produced theatre shows for quite a long time could surely throw a magnificent celebration at the finest hotel in town. Ladies dressed in elegant gowns came with the gentlemen who looked dashing in their tuxedos. Carlyn stunned everyone with her red shoulder line gown which bared her porcelain back. She was a head turner that evening. Her outstanding presence captured the attention of the handsome young man whose name is no other than, Damien Scott, the heir to the affluent production company. Damien took the opportunity to welcome this captivating temptress.

“A deligthful evening to you miss…”

“Carlyn…Carlyn Stanley. And you are?” said Carlyn.

“Damien Scott. Miss Stanley, I hope you wouldn’t mind but I must insist to have your first dance this evening.”

He has taken the bait.

“To dance with a distinguished gentleman is something I cannot refuse, especially if he insists.”

Damien leads her to the dance floor and they both enjoy the night together. From the party, Damien took Carlyn to his hotel room. The elevator light popped from number 1 to 12. The metal door slides open and Damien takes Carlyn by the hand and they passed the hallway to door number 1206. After playing the passionate scenes onstage, Carlyn now plays the same character without the stage and in this stranger’s arms. Somehow, her restraints were left somewhere that she no longer cared much of herself at the start. But Carlyn isn’t too rigid not to feel guilt. With each kiss and with each touch she felt a pang of guilt eating inside her. After a moment of intense heat suddenly the fire is extinguished. Carlyn started withdrawing. Damien was quite surprised that the woman she brought to his bed that night, who exuded such a display of temptation and such expertise in romancing, would be the first to resist and turn away. Carlyn turned to the other side of the bed and fell into a deep sleep, not minding the clueless man lying behind her. No words were spoken after all of it. She lay in deep slumber while he was bothered by his curiosity of this mysterious lady. He watched her sleeping and he saw the innocence hidden behind all the make-up. She was a young innocent soul. Damien felt a tinge of guilt and confusion as he stared at Carlyn. He leaned closer and kissed her forehead. Carlyn twisted a bit and curled on Damien’s shoulder close to his chest. He smiled and closed his eyes to sleep.

Damien woke up to a hard blow of a soft pillow on his face. His reflexes made him snap out of sleep. When he lifted his gaze to his perpetrator, he is shocked to find Natalie standing with the huge pillow on her hand ready to pounce on him again. He shields himself with his forearms and swiftly removes the pillow from Natalie’s hands. Natalie was now screaming and crying. Damien looked around to see if Carlyn was still in the room but she has already fled from the scene before Natalie came and had only left a note with one red petal on top. Natalie pushed him away and ran outside. Carlyn watched as Natalie left with tears in her eyes. Carlyn stood from afar as her eyes followed Natalie as she went away.

Dead silence surrounded Carlyn in her apartment room as she took one rose stem in her hands. The petals oozed of blood red hue. Her eyes were fixed upon it. She held it closer to her face and smelled its sweet scent. Then she turned her attention on what her other hand was holding. Her palms bared a cylindrical silver tube. She placed the rose on the wooden table and she removed the cover of the silver case. Slowly, she turned the bottom and a blood red lip color emerged. She paints it on her lips and tears started to crawl down her cheeks. She took a hand mirror and watched herself crying in her reflection and then puts the mirror away. She puts her head down and sobs.

She was done crying when the moon shone over. She soaked her pillow with her tears yet it never made her sleep. She just laid there wide awake. She could not think of anything through the silence in that room. It used to help her think but now she was blank. She had no plans for that night or for the next day and the coming more days. She did not care anymore. But the evening had something for her. A knock came to her door. She did not make a move. She was very still and quiet. Nothing could have made her leave her bed if it wasn’t for the voice that followed the loud knock.

“Carl…it’s me, Natalie.” Sobs. “Please open the door…I know you’re in there.”

Carlyn was struck. Her senses returned in an instant. In a whisk, she wiped away the lip stick with a hanky, leaped from her bed and rushed to the door. She welcomed Natalie in her arms. She had her head on Carlyn’s shoulder and she couldn’t stop crying. She went on about a note she found in her fiancé’s table that morning and how he met a certain lady. He did not want his engagement to end but Natalie refused his pleas. She did not want to live hating him forever once they start a family. She loved him very much that she won’t allow a future full of animosity between them. They met that afternoon to have a conversation and to say their last goodbyes. Natalie did not want to come but when she heard Damien’s voice crying over the phone, she could not resist him. They did talk. They both agreed on something. That they will let the future decide. If their hearts don’t find anyone else, and if by any chance they meet again, they will save whatever will be spared if time changes them, then they shall let it be. Natalie was so much enthralled to the former and was very willing to let it all go if by any chance she will marry Damien in the future. Carlyn listened to all of this and she did not cry. She just let it all sink deep within her and break her inside. The pillow soaked by Carlyn’s was now comforting Natalie. Carlyn just watched as her beloved Natalie fell into a deep slumber while she was still not visited by sleep.

Morning came and Natalie found herself alone in the bed. She could not help but notice the silvery tube glittering on the wooden table. She did not know it was there last night because she was preoccupied with her angst. She blinks twice to see it clearly with her eyes as she whisked it with her hand. Then she wrinkles her forehead and felt her hands tremble as her fingers tighten its grasp on the silver tube. Another object caught her eyes on top of the chair just below the table platform. She bends over to take it. She held in her hand a dying rose stem and the silver lipstick tube on the other.

The door opens and Carlyn steps inside with a bag of groceries. She is delighted to prepare breakfast for Natalie unsuspecting of the confrontation she is about to face.

“Good morning Natalie! I brought your favorites for breakfast. I’m sure you will love these fresh strawberries…” she places the bag on the kitchen counter and takes a turn to see Natalie holding the flower and the lipstick tube. She wanted to run and snatch it

from her but Natalie’s eyes were already glaring at her, burning with rage.

“Natalie…I can explain.”

“Explain what?! That you just dropped by the other night and took my lipstick from my fiancé’s room?! How long have you known each other?!”

Carlyn was flustered.

“Nat…I…I’m sorry.”

With much anger, Natalie throws the rose and the lip stick on the floor.

“I trusted you!! I even told you everything. How could you do this to me?! Was it fun listening to me last night and watching me cry?”

Natalie was breathing heavily with tears streaming from her eyes. She mumbles inaudible words as she turns her back to the window. Carlyn runs towards her and embraces her. She whispers, “I love you Natalie…please forgive me. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you so much. I just couldn’t bear losing you to someone else.” Carlyn couldn’t believe the words she just said. Before she knew, it was all too late to take them back.

Natalie removes Carlyn’s arms and pushes her away.

“Don’t touch me! Don’t you dare talk of love because you know nothing of it. You disgust me!”

“Natalie…please…I love you…”

Natalie was in disbelief as Carlyn repeated it to her. Carlyn was about to embrace her when she swung her hands across her face and slapped her.

“I don’t ever want to ever see you again, you hear me?! Ever!.”

Carlyn could not stop Natalie from leaving. That was the last time she ever saw her. Carlyn felt the entire world caved in on her and all she could do was let the weight crush her to pieces.

Worse came to worse when her grandparents found out and took every privilege she had. The car, the finances, and all the material privileges she lost didn’t mean that much to her but losing her family and the person dearest to her pulled her deeper into depression.

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With her head down and eyes looking on the floor, Carlyn went on to continue narrating her story to Louis, who intently listens to her shaking voice. He can see how much Carlyn is trying to keep herself from giving away and breaking down. Carlyn thought it just wasn’t right to ruin that moment of release as she opens up to new friend. She breathes deep and holds it for a second, exhales, and manages a smile before she continues.

“And so my grandparents eventually found out about the whole thing. You can’t expect them to be fine about it. They scorned me for lying and they took everything away except for one. They left me with the apartment room but I had to pay rent. My car got towed, my allowance gone. It was like they left me naked. And all those crap happened to me all at the same time. I was in rock bottom and I had no idea how to bounce back. I almost lost my place in the company. Believe me, Tony knows everything. I was a pain in the ass and everyone else wanted to kick me out but Tony was the only who stood out for me.”

Louis replies with a nod and she goes on.

“I spent so much time in the bar. I think I must have tried every hard drink in the counter. I wanted to just give in to my depression and just fall apart. But I guess that was not my destiny. It was in my lowest time when I met Tom.”