14
814 Words
I rolled onto my back as I woke up, my entire body aching with overwhelming pain. Cain was still beside me, fast asleep. He's so pretty. I sure caught one good fish.
Humiga ako nang maayos at tumitig ng matagal sa kisame bago ipinikit ang mga mata ko. I reached for my stomach and pressed it lightly. I smiled.
Hindi ako 'yong tipo ng taong laging swerte. I don't usually get picked in a crowd, never win raffles, and I've never stumbled upon a large sum of money.
But as I felt the stickiness between my thighs, I couldn't help but feel lucky and grateful that up until now, hindi pa rin ako nabubuntis.
Never since the day he brought me here have we used protection. I'm not taking any oral contraceptives either, and I doubt Cain does. To be honest, it's as if he's trying to get me pregnant on purpose.
I turned to face him and brushed my fingers against his cheek. Malalim pa rin ang tulog niya. He looks so serene, so gentle. If ever... would he be a great dad?
Cain has always been vocal about wanting children. He's good with them, too. Unfortunately, I'm not. I kinda hate kids—I just don't have the patience for them.
I guess that's one of the reasons why I never considered Cain as "the one" before. He always talked about wanting a big family—madaming anak, kamukha ko at kamukha niya. It's sweet, really, but having children isn't my thing.
Para sa akin, it's a huge commitment. And I have commitment issues myself.
Maybe it's because of my parents' death. Loving someone so deeply, so wholeheartedly, comes with the inevitable fear of losing them. Life is short and unpredictable, and I'm scared of being hurt again.
Before Cain, I never got into serious relationships. I didn't even have best friends. Sanay ako na sa buhay ko, people just come and go. It was better for me not to get too attached.
I admit, noong pumasok ako sa relasyon namin ni Cain, it was mostly because he was good-looking and smart. He helped me with my college tasks, nililibre ako palagi, at kinaiinggitan ako ng ibang babae dahil ang gwapo ng boyfriend ko.
Minahal ko naman siya eventually, syempre. How could I not love someone I spent almost every day with? Someone who cared, who listened. Someone who had bright plans for our future. It was beautiful.
But maybe that's also why I cheated so easily—because his dreams for us scared me.
I don't want to start a family just to leave them when I die. Ayoko ding masaktan sila dahil sa mga maling desisyong magagawa ko. I will always make mistakes—I'm reckless. And if there's anyone who deserves to suffer the consequences of my actions, it should be me.
Unfortunately, that wasn't what happened when I made the choice to cheat. I didn't just ruin myself—I ruined Cain, too. I made him a murderer.
I'm not trying to justify what I did with James. Mali ko 'yon. And my mistake cost a life.
But what can I do? Nangyari na ang nangyari. I can't turn back time. I can't undo my choices. And I'm so, so tired of living in the past. Even if I die now, it won't change a damn thing.
I have no choice but to live my life right and cherish the people who still love me.
Bumuntong-hininga ako.
Parang gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. It feels good to finally reflect on my mistakes. I'm not done blaming myself—I don't think I ever will be. Pero it's time to move forward, even if I have to carry this baggage forever.
For the first time in a while, nauna akong bumangon mula sa higaan namin. I wanted to prepare breakfast for Cain.
Before getting dressed, I stretched my aching limbs. Pero bago pa ako makapagbihis, hinablot na ako ni Cain pabalik sa kama.
"Uh," Inayos ko ang higa sa braso niya. "Morning..."
His pull really shocked me, but being enveloped in his embrace feels safe. Contrary to before I got sick where I was beaten everyday, this feels secure.
"You reek of me." He kissed my nape.
"I wonder why." Ngumiti ako at pumikit, savoring the moment.
"I take responsibility." He laughed.
I stared at him as he chuckled.
It had been so long since I got to see him like this. Ngayon ko lang siya ulit nakita na tumatawa. Parang nanikip ang dibdib ko—gusto kong tumalon sa tuwa.
"I missed you." Hindi ko namalayang nasabi ko pala ang nasa isip ko.
Napatigil siya sa pag-tawa, as if shocked that those words actually came out of my mouth. Then, he caressed my face, a gentle smile forming on his lips.
"I missed you, too."
He smiled.
"So much."
- Writer
