Hand to Hold

Chapter 1

16 July

You are in my heart, but not mine.

You are constantly in front of my eyes, but not mine.

I can’t reach out and touch you...

And now you can be anyone’s, but not mine.

I long you.

I crave you.

I miss you.

I love you.

But it can’t change you aren’t mine.

Not anymore.

.

.

Numerous timber and steel racks amid the coffee emblazoned walls held a beautiful tranquillity, and the place I chose was far in a remote area of this huge library. Settled on an island the only sounds that accompanied me were the audible sigh or turning the paper.

Bell rang, marking the start of the third period. The bustling echoed throughout the library for another wave of studious children left the library. Not me. Studying wasn’t the reason why I was there in the first place and the freshly smudged writing of an old entry testified it.

I loved books but when I walked to the library in the first period today it wasn’t to read them, it was something else... I wanted to calm myself down and being amid books generally works. But the books, reading, didn’t help me since the twenty-third day of August wasn’t a simple day following my routinely breakdowns.

It was much more than that, certainly.

Everyone has loved ones, the people dear to them whom they adore and who in turn shower one with affection even when one is stoic. They are oasis amid the sand mountains, they are the home where the one retires to rest, and they are... The essence of an individual’s life just like dreams and hope.

Twenty-third day of August became a painful reminder that I have lost this essence of my life.

I wasn’t left alone to fend for myself amid a pack of hungry wolves, yes there were hungry wolves but my life still contained my doting Aunt, a little bundle of joy in the form of younger sibling, and a circle of friends that welcomed me warmly yet, as dear as they were the indifference between us continued.

Whenever I asked why my relationships turned synthetic, I couldn’t feign ignorance for I already knew the answer. The traumatizing events that occurred three hundred and sixty-five days ago shattered me; I lost my loved ones to the heartless assassinators who didn’t need to think twice before brutally ending their lives.

Pursing my lips, tears rolled down from the corners of my eyes, how could I claim to love them when it was me who bestowed them with the savage lasts?

I turned back to the journal and read the entries describing them for the umpteenth time since the morning. Amid turning the pages I grasped for the air.

The realization I was drowning hit me proving my former hypothesis was incorrect, I couldn’t act indifferent today.

Dragging myself out of the room on the mourning occasion I came to the school, and my intent behind it was show it to Aunt May that I am fine and I could be left alone though with the falling sense of the surroundings, contacting her and leaving early seemed a better solution.

I couldn’t go on with it anymore, at least not when my head was hurting so much that I wanted to hit it against the wall.

Standing up the chair squeaked and only a moment passed before my legs gave in. I breathed voluntarily for a while before attempting to stand up again. The giddiness calmed down with breathing practice, making use of the opportunity I took the journal and left the library.

With my focus on the light blue corridor, I diverted my attention from the headache and walked up to the staircase. The library was on the first floor and the main gate of the school obviously on the ground floor.

From railings’ support, I successfully made it to the second last step.

For the above reason I let go of the railing but it proved to be a grave mistake on my part since as I descended to the last step my leg slipped. Extending my hand to hold any support journal fell from my hands and I closed my eyes as a reflex waiting for gravity to do its work.

A firm hand snaked around my waist saving me.

Familiarity assaulted me and my stomach fluttered, holding my breath I half expected my conclusion to be a mistake though I opened my eyes to stare at his compassionate orbs. A gentle smile rested on his lips as he steadied me.

It was him.

In an instant, overwhelming emotions became hard to control. The thin material of shirt couldn’t stop the fire from inflaming where his hand rested and my heart thumped wildly from fervour. Unaware to my conscious and subconscious reactions he studied my face calmly not making any move to let me go.