Happy or not

Chapter 5

When we left his flat, he drove me back to Jasmine’s house promising that next day he was going to take me to a special place, a surprise as he said.  

According to the plan, we left early in the morning by car to the road. We soon climbed a hill, and then we were surrounded by a dense forest. I had no idea the ultimate goal of the ride. I loved that man and had complete confidence in him. He turned the car onto an unpaved road, which led through the woods to a clearing and several cottages, and then we continued on, stepping back into the woods. When we went to the next clearing, he parked the car in front of a wooden cottage and invited me to go оut.

I could see the town in the distance.  The view was breathtaking. There was a forest all around us.  I could feel the smell of it. It was freezing and wet but I was not cold at all.

It's beautiful, 'I said.

I think it's as beautiful as you are at the moment he replied.

Then he pulled me to him and kissed me. That kiss reminded me of the fact how much I longed for his closeness. Then he pushed me away slightly.

First, he unlocked the front door and invited me inside. How do you like my castle? - he asked me with a smile.

It seems comfortable — I said.

Trust me, you won't find a more comfortable place to stay! - he said.

Then he took a small gas bottle, some dishes and a small hand-held refrigerator out of the trunk.

"We have enough food and wine. Here we have nothing to do but enjoy. We will light a fire and prepare a barbecue."

"You thought of everything!" - I said.

He pulled me into the bed. We made love for a long time and it was unusual but different. We made love in the daylight and I saw every pore on his body. In the end, I cried with happiness. It was a kind of happiness when you forget everything.

Later, Mike devoted himself to prepare the barbecue. I sat down on a chair and watched him. I looked at him and realized how skilled he was in everything. When he finished the barbecue, he put some wine and we had the lunch together sitting close to each other and drinking the red wine by the fire. Soon we made love again and again, so far away of everything and everyone. Whenever he hugged me I thought my heart would jump out of my chest with happiness. He was so gentle and attentive, that I almost believed that he also had the same emotions towards me. The way he looked at me also smelled of love.

 If he ever admits it to me, I will also admit how I feel about him. - I thought. 

 We were heading back when I noticed that Mike was worried. Are you okay, you're kind of thoughtful? – I asked him.

Well, I have to tell you, something's bothering me. I really didn't want to think about it, but it happened.

Is there a problem? I asked?

He looked at me seriously. You thought I didn't have, a? I try to make it look like that, but there is. However, my problem is not a pleasant topic of conversation, so it is better to skip it.

For a moment, it seemed to me that I was close to touching that deeper dimension of this man, and I didn't want that opportunity to go away.

You think you wouldn't understand or I'm still so foreign to you that you would confide in me.

Neither one nor the other, he replied. So what’s that, I insisted.

You just insist — he asked me.

I was silent. I didn’t want to be strenuous or overly curious.

Then he pulled me to himself and added, I don't want you to leave me.

Why are you telling me that So you tie me even tighter to you, and I don't know if I can believe that this between us can turn into something more ...

I spoke, ready to even admit to him how I felt about him.

You didn't understand me, he said. It can't be anymore.

I was speechless. I stepped away from him and my eyes filled with tears.

So you're telling me you don't want to lose me, and at the same time you're emphasizing that we can't have anything but ... whatever.

I'm not single, Karolina. I'm married. I often try to ignore this fact, but my wife is here to remind me ...

I grabbed my head. I could have guessed everything, but not that he was married. Nothing ever indicated  that Mike was married and that he was an adulterer. Mike was watching me.  It was hard for him to see me upset and in tears.

I didn't mean to tell you.

 It was necessary- I said desperately. I wanted to admit  that I was in love with him so much  that I was ready to get married. My world has collapsed.

 You had to tell me at least when we first  met last spring.

 I thought you were leaving and we would never see each other again.

I sat down on a chair. I watched him in disbelief.

Carolina, if I were a free man ...

What would happen? - I interrupted him.

He would never let you go ... to another man.

I looked at him in disbelief.

Why are you telling me this? As if you are aware that you will never free yourself from the shackles of that marriage.

And I will not. If it were possible, I would be a happy man.

I do not understand.

No one understands. That can't be understood unless you're in my skin. He sighed, and then squatted in front of me, clasping my palms with his fists.

“I am married to a psychopath. My wife is a psychopath.”

I laughed at the thought of what a man trying to justify not being free can say. Mike looked at me reproachfully.

“It's ugly that you laugh at my torment. It's ugly that you don't believe me. I've been married for 8 years and I've been persecuted, hurt and blackmailed for 5 years. I am afraid of what she could do. I am sure that she would never let me go.”

“You're here, and she's gone. Maybe she is behind some tree and lurks for us?”

He was bothered by my sarcasm. He was bothered by the sarcasm in my words.

“There is no point in telling you about it when you are convinced I am lying.“

“I think you're exaggerating. Come on, Mike, I'll believe you consider me a fool who believes in fake stories.”

“And I regret trying to confеsss in you. Obviously you are only interested in my beautiful side.” – he said and got up.

I got cold. I realized that Mike was right, as soon as he mentioned the reason for his torment, I laughed. I should have listened to him, even if I believed it was a lie.

“Tell me ... talk about it,”- I said.

“No chance,” - he replied sharply.

“I won't laugh. I will try to understand” - I insisted.

He shook his head and said, “Better not. We will spoil everything that has been wonderful so far. Let it remain my secret. You go to your house anyway and there is no need to carry my problems with you. I'm going for a walk alone. I want to blow my head off. And then we will go home.”

I watched him walk away along the forest path. He seemed really depressed, defeated. as much as I was angry and disappointed by the fact that he was married, I regretted so much that I didn’t take him seriously. Maybe he wasn't lying, maybe he wasn't exaggerating. I waited for him to come back and when he approached a few steps, I smiled with remorse in my eyes.

I don't want to go - I said.

Okay, he replied shortly.

I pulled him and kissed him gently, then hugged him. I felt his body tremble. I pulled his arm and led him inside surrendering to him the way only women in love surrender.