Drop In A Bucket List

Chapter 4 Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hide

“Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde”

One night stand.  Three words that will send any single woman running for a pint of ice cream and a romantic comedy quicker than you can say “don’t do it.”  My friends and I had been talking a lot about wishing we could just be like men.  How great would it be to have no strings attached s*x without fear of feelings getting involved.  Why not just enjoy someone for a night, and then move on?  Easy right?  The idea was revolutionary.  s*x and the City was about to hit Southwest Louisiana. 

Being the eternal “good girl” I decided to give it a shot.  What the hell, my heart was already mangled, it’s not like things could get any worse.  I didn’t intentionally set out on a mission to find a guy to sleep with, but I decided to give myself permission to go there if the opportunity presented itself.

My new single status granted me an all access pass to the local bar scene.  Loud music, cold drinks, and lighting just dim enough for me to want to swim in the shark-infested waters of the single scene.  One fateful night I was hanging out with Lauri and Leslie at our favorite watering hole, “The Cajun Wharf” when my golden opportunity arrived. 

Since I have no desire to implicate the poor guy in this story we’ll just call him “Dr. Jeykll/Mr. Hyde.”  I call him this because he was a weird mix of nice guy and complete asshole.  I was intrigued.  We hit it off immediately.  He was charming, funny, and coincidentally recently single with two little boys the same age as mine.  He made me laugh, and that is the quickest way to get my attention.  He was like the guy version of me.  That had to fate, right?  Alright, I know it was wishful thinking, but please leave me to my delusions.  He had a knock out smile, and said all the right things.  He told me I was beautiful and that he couldn’t believe a girl like me would want a guy like him.  As if by guided by the heavens he worked every angle needed to break through my suit of armor.  With liquid courage backing my decision, I went for it.   

Cut to the morning after.  I’m an i***t.  If you have a bucket list and having a one-night stand is on it, really think hard about it.  It was underwhelming to say the least.  I thought great conversation, and a guy who could make me laugh would translate into a fun fling.  The real translation was, damn I was really lonely enough to compromise my integrity for one night of meaningless fun.

In true Sam fashion, I learn things the hard way.  When Jekyll/Hide called the following week and asked to hang out sober I gave him a shot.  Again, I enjoyed his playful, slightly assholish behavior.  He was super sweet and reassuring in certain ways, but I think deep down it was because he knew I was fresh back on the dating scene.  I foolishly and desperately spent one more night with him.

The problem with suspending reality is that it never lasts.  The bubble will always burst.  I try to live without regret, and even though it was fun, love ‘em and leave ‘em just isn’t my style.  My intentions of having s*x like a man royally backfired.  Oops, I actually liked the guy I slept with.  That wasn’t supposed to happen.  Putting the cart before the horse ensured that I would always be meaningless to him, so actually liking him was pointless.  Sadly my need to experience new things led me straight into the arms of a guy that will never know just how great I really am.  For days I found myself wanting to call him and tell him, “hey, that wasn’t like me.  I’m a really good person.”  It took a little while to sink in, but eventually I understood he wouldn’t care.  He was a man, therefore able to have meaningless s*x.  I was a woman, therefore not.

That’s the part I regret, he never got to know the best parts of me.  He will only remember me as “some chick I was with a couple of times.”  I’m better than that.  I’m worth more than that.  Plus, I’m not going to lie, it’s a knock to anyone’s pride when you realize you were used.  I know, I know, I brought this on myself, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.  Yeah, if I’m being completely honest it hurt.  Even though I knew going in this was just a fling, there’s still always that teeny tiny voice in the back of my mind saying, “who knows? Maybe it’s more.”  I tried to be somebody I wasn’t and it felt terrible.  I don’t think Jekyll/Hyde is a bad guy.  He just took the night for what it was, nothing, and I just couldn’t make that be enough for me.  Even though it’s really hard to admit, a one-night stand wasn’t ever what I actually wanted.  I wanted someone to like me.  I wanted more.  I just used the bucket list to fulfill a selfish goal, but in the end the joke was on me.  Not only did he not really like me, I didn’t really like myself for what I had done either.

To Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, well played sir.  Thank you for teaching me the life lesson I so desperately needed to learn.  Congratulations you are the one and only one-night stand for this girl.  It’s back to “something more or nothing at all” for me, and that’s the way it should be.  Seriously people, one-night stands suck.  Take it from me, don’t go there.