LOVING THE MADMAN

The Rhythm of Rain

Akira looked startled for a moment, but she recovered herself quickly and laughed it off. “I see. So who’s the woman who managed to capture the heart of the mighty Troy Ryder? I’m genuinely curious.”

“Her name’s Athena.” I replied, raking a hand through my buzzed hair.

“Ouuuu,” she flopped onto the bed with a grin. “Sounds like royalty.”

“She is.”

“So what’s the problem, big guy?” she asked. “Why do you look so… s**t-faced?”

I frowned. “Shitfaced? Please. I look good.” I left the wall and strode to the bathroom mirror.

“I always look good,” I muttered to myself.

When I came back out, Akira had made herself comfortable on my bed.

She sat up, fixing me with a look. “Don’t tell me you’re still stuck on that whole ‘I don’t deserve love’ thing. It's what ruined us.”

Back then, everyone thought Akira and I would end up together. We trained together, fought together, and went on missions side by side.

We were practically inseparable. And while she developed feelings for me, I stayed detached. Sure, along the way, she was the one who took my virginity, and we hooked up from time to time, but there was never anything deeper for me.

I’d always believed I wasn’t made for love.

“I’m no good for her,” I said quietly, sitting down beside her on the bed. “You know this.”

“That’s not for you to decide,” she said softly. “Don’t say that when you haven’t even tried yet.”

I turned to face her. “Akira,” I said quietly. “I’ve killed people.”

“Newsflash, you're a shapeshifter. Killing is in your nature. Stop beating yourself up about it.”

“I’ve killed people in horrific ways,” I went on. “And I enjoyed it.”

Akira exhaled.

“They call me the Madman,” I said.

“It's pretty obvious you're a changed person now. The Madman is who you used to be,” she replied, brushing her pixie cut. “Why let your past choke your future? If you want the girl, go for her. I can see you’re already in love with her. Or is there some other reason?”

Yes, the mating bond scared me. Claiming her, marking her, would mean she belonged to me and me alone. But could I really be the man she needed? Could I ever be good for her? I kept picturing the worst happening… Athena finally seeing the real me and deciding she couldn’t stay.

If she had to reject me after being marked, the damage would be brutal for both of us. She didn’t deserve that kind of emotional wreckage.

“Her family would never approve of me; my reputation alone is enough,” I said again. “She’s the only girl in the family, so of course she’s overprotected. Her older brother, the firstborn…” I growled at the memory of Slade. “He’s the worst. Way more overprotective than their father.”

“If you two really want to be together, Slade can’t stop it,” Akira said with a shrug. “I mean, pfft…” She blew a raspberry. “He’s not going to marry his sister.”

I elbowed her ribs lightly. “Enough about me. How are you?” I asked. “And what are you still doing here, Akira? Why haven’t you left? Don’t you want to see the world?”

She shrugged. “I’m perfectly fine here.”

I shot her a disbelieving look. “Perfectly fine? With their twisted customs? They still eat traitors?”

“There haven’t been any traitors since you left,” she said flatly.

“Yeah, I wonder why.” I muttered sarcastically.

“How’s your new pack?” she asked, crossing her legs. “Your new family. From the look of you, they’re good people. You look better than you ever did here.”

“Meeting Zephyr was one of the best things to ever happen to me,” I admitted. “I was a wreck when I left this pack… when I became an Omega. The depression was unbearable.”

The memory of it sent a chill down my spine.

“I started killing because there was a hollow in me I didn’t know how to fill. When I found out I was good at it and that it paid, I became an assassin.” I exhaled slowly. “That’s how the Madman was born.”

My voice lowered. “Zephyr pulled me out of that. He gave me a pack, a family. He helped me build something better from the mess I was. I’ll be loyal to him until the day I die.”

I glanced at Akira. “But there’s still a darkness in me. A darkness that still lurks. And I’m not sure it can ever go away.”

Akira let out a long sigh. “Everyone has a darkness inside of them, Troy. I’ve got one too. The trick isn’t locking it away. It’s knowing it, owning it, and deciding where to aim it.”

She turned to watch me. “Even when you were just a scrawny teen yet to discover his wolf, you never killed for fun. You killed because Fugrak and Miles taught you it was the only way to survive. But there was always a line you wouldn’t cross unless they forced and broke you.”

Akira’s eyes grew sad. “I remember the lashings. The psychological torture of killing Meemo, amongst others.”

My jaw clenched at the memory.

Meemo. My first pet. An albatross with pristine white wings that used to follow me everywhere.

Fugrak’s lessons had always begun with animals... Foxes. Bears. Sea lions.

He had started small when it came to breaking me. He’d hunt them down and make me watch as he tore them apart, then hand me the knife and tell me it was my turn, or make me use my claws.

I still remembered the day with the polar bear… A mother with two cubs hiding behind her.

I’d refused to kill her, even as Fugrak’s rage grew and he moved in to do it himself. Something in me snapped, and I stopped him.

I was a young Lycan then, who'd just discovered Dregoth, but I was stronger.

Fugrak went home furious and with a bruised ego.

Later that evening, when I returned to the compound, Meemo was waiting for me. Or at least, what was left of him.

His headless body lay in the corner of my room, with his wings splayed out.

The message had been clear.

“Your darkness won't go away, Troy.”

Akira’s voice brought me back to reality. “But it can become fuel. An anchor. A driving force. And you choose what to burn it for. What to let it out for.”

We stayed silent for a moment, with me pondering over her words.

Then Akira let out a small, soft laugh. “Funny, isn’t it? Took a princess to make the Madman want to be good.”

Her eyes met mine. “She’s the first person who’s made you actually care about the monster you think you are. The first to make you look at the darkness inside you and wish it wasn’t there.”

I said nothing.

She inclined her head, shifting to face me fully. “You want to be better for her. You wish you weren’t so… damaged.”

A faint smile spread across her lips. “And that, Troy, is all the proof you need. You’re not a bad man.”

She slapped my back lightly. “Give love a chance. You can’t escape it anyway. Heck, you’re already smitten.”

I let out a short guffaw. “Not true. I'm not smitten.”

“Yeah, sure,” she muttered under her breath. “That’s why you wouldn’t kiss me.”

“Akira…”

“I’m kidding,” she cut in quickly, flashing a smirk, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“When are you heading back to the States?” she asked.

“Tomorrow, probably.”

“What would it take to convince you to stay a few more days?”

“How long are we talking?”

“Three?”

“Not happening.” I shook my head.

Every minute spent in this cursed place brought back haunted memories I'd tried so hard to bury.

“Okay, okay. How about…” she grinned. “Two more days?”

I exhaled. “Akira…”

“Come on.” Her shoulders sagged. “I haven’t seen you in ten years. It’s not fair for you to leave so soon.”

“You know you can always come visit me, right? Nothing’s stopping you. Just give me a heads-up.”

She was quiet for a moment before admitting, “I know.”

“Fine. Two more days. But after that, I’m gone.”

She rose from the bed with a bright smile. “Good. You know where to meet me tomorrow.”

Akira headed back toward the window. “Don’t be late, Baby Fangs.”

She was gone.

I moved to the window and peered out, catching a glimpse of her latching onto the next building before dropping gracefully to the ground and breaking into a run.

“I really should start locking my damn window,” I muttered to myself.

I stayed by the window long after Akira disappeared into the night.

Till the cool air became cold. Till lightning flashed across the skies, and the rain fell… drumming against the rooftops, soaking the earth below.

That sound… the rhythm of it hitting the ground… It was the same one that had resounded through the forest the night Mara found me half-dead and freezing.

I’d been there through it all. Beaten until the rain ceased, until the cold turned to pain so sharp it felt like knives gutting my lungs.

I’d come a long way from that night. But sometimes, when it rained, I could still feel it… the cold, the silence, the sound of my own heartbeat I'd wished so desperately to stop.

I left the window and went to my usual spot on the floor. Reaching for my phone, I unlocked the screen and scrolled through the only thing that could bring me peace tonight after the shitty day I’d had.

Her feed.