Blue Eyes I First Saw

Chapter 7

“If it's disturbing, then leave me alone.” I sternly said deciding what I will do. 

I somehow felt guilty as I heard the kid sighed. Pushing him away after keeping me company is cruel. He have to go, I don't want him to see me jump off this tree and hang myself. The scene will corrupt the kid's wonderful smart mind. 

“Just go. I've lived enough.” my tired and broken voice is present.

I heard him heave a deep breath again. No footsteps going away, or goodbyes. I did not hear any movements from him. Did he go? 

I felt sad. Everyone really is meant to leave and ignore me. The kid wasn't at fault though, I was the one who pushed him away.

Keeping my eyes closed, I count from one to ten to gather my thoughts and say goodbye to the living world.

“One.” 

In the darkness where I am, there I saw my biology group smiling from ear to ear. We are gathered on the school grounds like we used to be, studying and helping each other to gain knowledge. Smiling and laughing at times we find the topic funny or when someone cracks a joke. 

It's one of the most precious moments I had in my junior high school. It was all wholesome that keeps me healthy. Indeed, it's best to study with the people who also want to study. It's better to study with companions and companies than to study by myself.

I miss the laughs, the smiles, the discussions, even the arguments are hard not to miss. Those are the times I felt at least happy and free, away from my cage that always haunts my happiness. Those were the times I feel like I'm not alone, that I can live like a normal student that my mind sees. 

“Two.” my eyes became water again. All the thoughts I'm gathering feels like torture.

I can see people in my mind, living happily like how they should be. But then, anyone can't deny, a smile is a mask, hiding what people bottled up inside. A smile is a facade that everybody kept for them to look fine. 

“Three.” 

Envy. I envy people who really feel happy. Like those who cheered from getting a passing score on exams. Like those varsity students who shout when they win a game. Like those who have real happiness in their eyes, it can be seen. Eyes are the mirror of every emotion— not really. There are some who learn to make their eyes emotionless, how great a pretender they are.

In a world full of cruelty, everyone learned to deceive happiness.

“Four— Five.” my voice broke. This is too much to handle. I'm weak and miserable. I'm someone who'll be forgotten.

“Six. Seven. Eight.” deep breath, Zyosei.

What I said to Kaizo rang in my head. ‘. . .independence is a must.’ 

Independence, that's what I lack. I make myself depend on other people a lot though it's the decisions— more manipulation of my parents made me live like it. I can't blame them, it's who they are, and this is me.

I should learn to be independent, physically, emotionally and mentally. But why will I, I'm dying anyway.

“Nine—”

“Ten.” the kid's voice echoed in the forest again. Haven't he left? “If you're finished on self-pitying, you can remove the rope now.” he's really consistent.

I shook my head and smiled. “I won't do that. My life is pointless, kid.”

“Yeah? Then let us compromise about that.” he's voice speaks with a volume of seriousness. What does he have in mind?

“Compromise, what?” 

“You remove the rope from your neck, and help me.” he negotiated again. 

I found my humorless chuckle. “What for? To prolong my life?”

“To help me and have yourself some achievement before dying, perhaps? You see, dying with achievement is way much more better than self-pitying to death.” now, this kid lectured me in his amusing sarcasm. 

Yet, he's right. But—

“Don't sweat overthinking about it. Can you help me?” he cutted off my supposed to be thinking.

“Well, Yes— no . . .uhh— I don't know?” Deciding is hard, how odd.

He chuckled. “I'll take the yes.”

I frowned. “Help you to what?” to his homework? I can do that. “For how long?”

“Depends on you. Just help me.” hell, he talks like my superior.

“Okay?” This kid knows how to turn the tables. “What will I do?” Write to him his research? Or an essay?

“Remove the rope.” His commands are spoken in a charming developing manly voice, yet he's serious.

I hold the rope and slowly— hesitant to remove it, I lift it up. The absence of the rope in me feels freedom. How come? 

I flicked my eyes open before asking the kid— the promise about keeping my eyes closed is forgotten. “Can I open my eyes—” my supposedly question changed when my eyes adjusted, dissolving the blurriness of everything.

My lips parted as I directed my sight to the kid. What the hell have I got myself into? 

My whole body stiffen when I saw what it was, making me fall from the tree. I felt pain but my insides succumbed to fear. 

My trembling hands crawled backwards guiding my now trembling body. My eyes are wide like an owl filled with fear. 

He slowly stepped near me and the fear expanded on my mind like wildfire, making my throat dry and tongue tied. I can't scream, I can't form a word. I can't make a move, it feels like I got stuck in my position. My mind is unable to run.

The blue sad eyes bore into mine. The sadness in his eyes pierced through me. He knows how I feel, that's for sure. I can see sadness and regrets in his blue eyes. I can't explain his appearance.

I'm not dead, am I? 

My wide eyes got back to my senses, I felt it grew wider as I flicked it continuously. Then my breathing heaved deep in fear. A gulp reached my throat making me utter a word.

“D— don't go near m— me.” I stutter with fear. His blue sad eyes are now filled with worry and regret.

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