A Pilgrim's Heart

Chapter 4

A thunder bolt crashes through the sweltering sky. The sudden gale scatters the billowing clouds of a purple and pink twilight and carries the tidings of a storm on its way. My hands search for my hood, but Karma pins me between his shoulder and arm, and strides us onto the main street, away from the temple crowd.

“Wait, please.” I halt as my hands tangle in the furred rim of my collar. “Just let me…” Wrestling the folds of my hood, my eyes shoot ahead, and I gasp. It’s him! I leap back with my hands still hovering over my head.

“Sonam!” Broad shoulders, a head full of mad curls—Sonam is marching right by us.

“Nordun!” His eyes fever with bewilderment as he stalls his stride and turns. “What…?” He dives to the side and grabs my hand. “Why…?” A wide smile breaks on his bemused face as his eyes take me in from head to toe. “Look at you!”

My cheeks flush at his audacious attention, and I rush my hands through my hair before I draw my hood.

“Karma, good to see you.” The two men greet each other with a pat on the back. “Dendup?” Sonam scouts around.

“At the inn,” Karma says, and his hand slides behind my back, taking hold of my belt.

I pull my sleeves over my hands and steady my thoughts. No surprises here between the two of them. I glance back up at Sonam. He knows. He knows why Karma’s here. But why is he?

Sonam’s smile turns into a puzzled frown as he sets his eyes on me again. His eyes go over to Karma.

“Don’t ask,” Karma says under his breath. “Worst mistake ever.”

I pinch my lips at his words as Sonam’s laugh roars in my ears.

“I could have told you,” he says, and shakes his head. “She’s every bit like her mother.”

Suddenly it dawns on me. That’s it. That’s why Sonam’s here. My mother!

“But tell me, brother,” I say, and slide my hood back a bit. “What brings you here while your entire family is looking for you?” There. I don the sweetest of smiles.

Karma’s arm freezes around me. His fingers turn on my belt.

“Not here,” he says, and points with his chin to an alley. “Let’s go.”

Without loosening his grip on me, he leads us to the inn where Dendup’s sitting snug in the company of the lovely matron. Not at all surprised to see Sonam, he greets him with regards and raises his cup to his friend’s health.

As pleasantries are exchanged, and the matron serves us our tea, I dare to bring the issue up again, for my mind keeps on pressing. I need to know.

“You got us all worried, brother,” I say and turn to Sonam. “Disappearing like that.”

In my peripheral, I see Karma and Dendup exchanging a knowing look. Sonam just leans back, an amused grin on his face.

“I’ll tell you my story, sister,” he says, and pinches my arm. “If you tell me yours.” His eyes gleam with a mischievous spark. “There’s no way these two here would take you to Lhasa of their own free will, not with the matters they’ve got to attend to.” He nods at Karma. “Although he might.”

I can’t help but laugh. There’s no way to outsmart Sonam.

“I will,” I say, and cross my arms over my chest. “You first.”

Sonam nods and gulps down his tea. Dendup leans in, his cup to his mouth. Karma stays unmoved, but the shallow lines around his eyes deepen ever so slightly. Interesting. I thought they already knew.

Leaving his usual bold gestures behind, Sonam tells—his voice flat—how he planned to go see my father as word had reached him of Uncle’s foul play.

“I needed to see him, to help him.” His tone heavy, his eyes gaze into nowhere. “I had let him down so badly after Lhamo’s death.” He rubs his moustache. “But somebody got to me, making sure I was arrested on the accusation of smuggling.” A wry laughter escapes from the back of this throat. “Me a smuggler, what a daft idea.” He extends his empty cup to Dendup, who pours him a drink from his flask.

“But as all things can be bought, so too can freedom.” Sonam takes a guzzle of chang and wipes the clear trickle from the corners of his mouth. “I did send a message to Zinzin.” He spreads his hands on the table and looks at me. “But I guess it took a long time for the words to reach.” My eyes fixed on Dendup, my mind absorbs every bit of the story. So that’s what happened.

“I had to come as soon as I realized the severity of the situation.” He turns to Karma. “I’d heard the family would send you, as was to be expected.”

My stomach pits as Karma nods. His vacant stare meets mine and my heart fills with sorrow at his empty look, the staunch indifference with which he takes up his horrendous chore.

“Palden’s my best friend.” He wrings his hands around his cup. “And Lhamo…” His eyes soften. “I needed to take care of this, for the both of them.” He drowns his eyes in his cup, guzzling every drop with determination. A quiet sadness sinks over me as my thoughts go from Karma to Dendup, and the destructive deed they have devoted themselves to.

“I understand,” Karma says, and nudges Dendup, who’s dozing off in the corner. “Let’s eat some more, then we’ll talk.” He gestures the matron for a round of extra spicy thukpa. “And I’ll take you back to your place.” He slips his warm hand in mine without looking at me, but his thumb rubs the inside of my palm—he’s onto me.

“So, Nordun,” Sonam says, his smile refreshed on his face. “I hear you did Palden proud.” He raises his cup to me. “I never doubted you, sister.” A slight flush creeps on my cheeks again, and I pull up on my knees as Karma’s hand slides away.

“I had a lot of help,” I say, and shift back in my seat.

“Speaking of help.” Sonam leans in. “Where’s Sangmo? You two were practically inseparable when we met.” I take a quick glance at Karma, who has gotten up to go over to the matron.

“She couldn’t come,” I say, and clasp my hands in my lap. Sonam raises his eyebrows.

“No way.” He pours himself another cup of Dendup’s flask. “She’d love a trip like this. What kept her?” He takes another swag of the chang and I swallow.

“Sonam.” I hesitate, for maybe I shouldn’t. “She’s with child.” My words roll out of my mouth before my mind’s made up. Sonam’s drink spills as he chokes on the bittersweet chang.

“She what?” He wipes his mouth with his sleeve and snorts. “She’s not!”

I lean in. “She is.” I suck in my cheeks. “Sonam, you know Karma.” My eyes flash over to the stove. He’s still there. Good. “Why…?”

He raises his hands. “She came onto me, Nordun,” he says, and draws his hands over his face. “I swear.” He sighs. His shoulders stooped, he leans heavily on the table.

“She’s a pretty wild thing, you know.” He rubs his forehead, and a wistful smile curls around his lips. “Pregnant… if Zinzin hears of this…” His voice trails off and we both shoot up as the matron arrives with steaming bowls of thukpa.

“Hears of what?” Karma sits down and looks up at Sonam.

I bite my lip as Sonam puts the singing hot soup to his mouth.

“Of Sangmo having Sonam’s baby.” Dendup stretches from his corner and yawns a foolish grin. I clench my fists. The i***t!

“Of what?” Karma’s hands stall. His brimming bowl lingers dangerously above the table. His knuckles whiten as he lowers his soup.

“Your baby?” He looks at Sonam, his voice seething with an alarming chill. Sonam glimpses at me, and we both hold our breath.

“And you knew?” Karma’s icy stare pierces right through me.

Om mani. What to reply? Fortunately, somebody’s ahead of me.

“Well, you obviously didn’t.” Dendup sets his bowl down with a bang. “Right?” He looks straight at Karma with a lopsided smile plastered under his reddish nose.

I press my lips tight as Dendup’s hoot bellies over the table, but I can’t help the tiniest of twitch curling around my mouth.

“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice a whisper. “But you never asked.”

Well, that response sure doesn’t help my situation, as Dendup and Sonam now both burst into a roaring laughter. With my cheeks on fire, I stare into the steaming soup, its spicy aroma a sting in my eyes. I duck my head at my daring reply. That is not me. Since when have I become so forthright?

With the hilarity between those two dying, we drink our soup, its peppery zest leaves a stale taste in my mouth. Karma’s appetite seems to have vanished too; his bowl stands untouched.

“I’ll bring you to Palmo’s.” His eyes brood with a dim glow. I nod and bid goodbye to my brothers.

“Go easy on her,” Sonam says in a muffled voice, and he extends his hand to Karma. I draw my hood as Karma’s hand on my back urges me out the door.

We walk in deafening silence, with Karma striding in the moonlit middle and me scurrying in the fragmented shadows aside. My heart has fallen to the bottom of my boots, and I struggle to keep up.

“Karma, please,” I say, as we halt at the gate, but he looks away.

“No, Nordun,” he says. “Not again.” I glance at him, and his hollow stare pierces through my chest like the sharpest arrow sent with a vengeance from afar. I close my eyes and I let the bitter pain move through me. I did that, I caused my own agony.

As the gate swings open, Karma rushes in. A muffled conversation settles between him and the guard while I’m left outside the gate.

“In case you’re thinking about leaving again,” Karma says. “I paid this man a handsome sum to keep you in.” He steps outside.

My eyes grow hot, and I stare at the ground. Those words just dashed all my hopes of making amends tonight. I clench my hood and duck my head, ready to shoot through the gate, but Karma’s hard hand pulls me in.

“Don’t you understand?” His voice breaths a burning whisper. “All I want is for you to be safe.” The hard iron of the gate lodges into my side as I push him away with all the strength I can find. I bolt for the door, the gravel groaning with a loud protest under my fleeing feet.

As I hear the latch slam behind me, I stagger and let out a sob. There’s no way I’m ever going to be held captive. Not by him, not by anybody.