Reclaiming Her Heart

Chapter 19 - Holding Space

Jadea

I didn't want him to feel as though I wasn't strong enough to weather this storm with him. I didn't want him to get into the habit of keeping himself distant in this manner. It would only hinder our progress of trust this way. No. I wanted to feel it all. Not in a 'dump all your problems on me, and I'll carry them and manage them' way. Rather in a 'show me how you feel, lean into me as you figure out how to weather through the emotional storm and I will sit with you' kind of way.

Adam felt my thoughts and slowly opened himself to me using the other's bonds, and the absolute wave of love, and dozens of other emotions, came crashing over me like waves. They rushed through my veins, filling in the cracks and crevices in my heart and soul. His essence blossomed in my mind, and a tenderness and devotion only mates could share, met the jagged and broken parts of me. He held them softly, embraced them with grace. He was not here to break me down, rather to build me up. We were teammates. We were best friends. Made of one body and one soul...

His arms held me tighter, his hands delving into the large open back of the dress so he could be skin to skin. Hot tears fell on my shoulder as he fell apart. Silent tears leaked from the corners of my eyes as I weathered this storm with him.

I felt how lost he had been when the bond was severed. Felt how he wanted to meet me in death, and how Briar and Blade saved him before he could kill himself, reminding him he had children, that he had a reason to live. I felt how utterly lost he had been without me, and how he fought every day to get up and be there for his children. He tried to live every day for me. He was emotionally exhausted from the depths of despair he'd fallen into, to then having the highest of hopes when we briefly connected. When he knew I was still alive. And then the debilitating anxiety of not knowing if their rescue efforts would come too late. He had been scared to death he would lose me all over again.

I felt how much of himself he had given to the pack in the weeks and months after. How he continued to show up, even though all he wanted to do was curl up and stop existing.

He was enraged over those who hurt me. So angry for how they broke my mind. For erasing him, and his children. For tearing me apart, quite literally, since they'd cut off my tattoo, in order to advance their own agendas and plant their own version of events and lies into my fragmented mind. He was afraid he would turn into some paranoid freak because he would forever be haunted by the reality we all lived. How quickly I had been taken. How fast I disappeared without a trace. He was already wondering when the next attack would happen and how we could prevent such an outcome from reoccurring. The easiest way was to go into deep hiding. Change our names, change our looks and move far away from here. To start a new life.

He knew it was unreasonable and virtually unobtainable in the immortal world. It was just one of his deepest reactions to the trauma we went through. And something he wasn't intending to respond with.

He was upset with Constance for not telling him she had recovered me safely. For not allowing him to be there for me when I was returned. For allowing me to be on my own in this condition. He was hurt he had to find out I was nearby, and safe, through Garret.

There was nothing I could do about that last part. I wasn't going to apologize for doing what I felt I needed to do at the time for myself. It was going to have to be a moot point. Adam felt my thoughts. He accepted them, knowing it was in the past.

"Does this scare you?" Adam asked gently within my mind. Having all of his emotions and feelings on display for me. Seeing just how deeply he cared for me. Knowing this was real and not some fantastical idea.

"The intensity of it, yes," I replied just as softly.

"You don't trust me." He stated, trying to get to the root cause by bringing the problem to the forefront of my mind so he could more easily see where the disconnect was. It wasn't said in an offensive way or to hurt me.

I shook my head, as I worked through my emotions. His feelings, while overwhelming, were true. He really did love me, and it scared me to realize someone could love me like that. It was true. It was real. It wasn't what I grew up on. It wasn't something I trusted because so many in my life did vile, evil things under the guise of love.

"I don't trust myself to know the difference between toxic love and true love. I'm afraid I'll be hurt if I give myself to you entirely. And, not the 'argument, clashing' kind of hurt. The soul-crushing kind. Where lives, spirits and souls are sacrificed due to insecurities and the need for control over the other."

Kind of how Silas whipped me, stating it was out of love he hurt me in such a way. He wanted me to forget Adam. And when I didn't just immediately accept the tale Silas painted of my mate, he turned to other means to persuade me. He wanted me to associate Adam with pain and suffering. And therefore, he used the whip to drive it home. He told me, while he was hurting me, that it was for my own good. I should leave the past behind. Adam had hurt me, and forgetting him was the only way to heal.

Silas had done it as a control technique. To associate Adam with physical pain. To keep me under his control, so I wouldn't go looking into my past for the answers I so desperately wanted but couldn't find due to the gaping holes in my memories.

He had done it to keep me compliant.

His tactics had been more calculated than Hans's. Silas did them with intent. Hans had been more conditional and random. Almost bi-polar. They were two sides of the same coin. Both wanting control and compliance and using any means necessary to obtain it.

Adam

As her mind spiraled, I was there. Witnessing everything.

I realized just how strong she was. How truly resilient she was, even in the face of everything she'd been put through. Silas's treatment of her when she thought of me was abhorrent. It made sense why she had been so hesitant to connect with me. Honestly, I was surprised she had willingly made the first move, to open herself to me so easily. Its significance wasn't lost on me, or her pack.

"You are safe here, Jadea," I breathed, my hold on her shifting. One arm remained tucked around her slim waist while my other hand delved into her hair, cradling her head in the crook of my shoulder. My cheek pressing against the side of her head as I breathed her in. Her soft hair tangled in my fingers while I massaged her scalp. I wished there was some way I could take away her pain. Some way I could bear these heavy memories of her torment on my own shoulders. To give her some peace. She had suffered so many harrowing things in her short life... It still amazed me how strong she was. How she carried everything with such grace and never allowed it to harden her heart.

"I know I am," she whispered back emotionally. "It's just going to take time for me to trust it in its entirety again."

I could respect that.

Suddenly, a sob wracked her shoulders as a debilitating fear took hold. "Just please," she started on a heartbreaking note, the first fracture of panic splintering her as the worst of her fears blossomed in her mind. "Please don't give up on me. I don't know how long it will take and... I may fight."

My wolf reached out and connected with her, but her wolf was not there. As painful as that was, he showed me why she said this. Her wolf and her had been fractured. They were in survival mode and were no longer in a peaceful coexistence. They were like how my wolf and I had been when we were first turned. At odds. Scared. And would eventually clash when they were put into certain situations. They were unstable. Broken. They would need help finding that balance and unity again.

Which meant I would need to be prepared for her outbursts when they happened. To expect them before she did and help her with the fallout.

While neither of us said the oath to bind our wolves and minds, we were still connected on that deeper level through our packs. I silently wondered if making that bond would be more beneficial than leaving it as it was. I reached deeply within her mind, embracing her, soothing her, telling her there was nothing she could ever do to push me away. We already faced the worst of each other. I had already been into the darkest, deprived depths of her mind.

Though, I knew actions would be the only way to convince her of this. Which meant time. Time and patience were the only remedies here.

Sniffling, Jadea pulled away from me, wiping at her eyes with the heels of her hands. "Umm, why don't we go inside so we are more comfortable." Her slight shiver wasn't lost on me. She was malnourished and was feeling the effects of the winter air more than we were. I allowed her to lead us inside so we could all be more comfortable as we continued to reconnect and sooth each other's fears and hurts from the past six months.

She kept all of our minds connected, that way we had ease to talk and express ourselves. We sat on the mound of large square pillows in the living room of the cabin. The space felt like it was set up specifically for this type of connection.

"This used to be Erwin's cabin. Constance's cousin," she explained. I laid down first, and she laid partially on top of me, chest to chest. Her head resting over my heart. The others laid down around us, all of them physically touching her in some way. Garret tucked himself into her right side, his head resting in the slope of her back. Blade and Briar made themselves comfortable on and around her legs. Derrick snuggled mostly with Briar, though one of his large hands rested on the back of Jadea's thigh. Chance laid down on her left side, his arm resting along her side. We all craved that physical touch. We had been denied it for so long. We were all afraid this was a dream we would wake up from, and she would be gone once again. "He was an alpha. From what I understood. What I have seen in the pictures displayed on the walls, they were a close-knit group like us and did similar exercises. Which included Constance, who had not been officially a part of their pack."

As we laid down in the space, snuggled so tightly with each other, our minds reveling in the knowledge we were whole once more, I could fairly feel the unspoken love and light these walls exuded. This place had been built and filled with compassion, friendship and warmth. Laughter had once filled these walls. If I listened hard enough, I swore I could almost hear the remnants echoing through the halls.

Constance knew what she had been doing when she sent Jadea here.