Reclaiming Her Heart

Chapter 22 - Dynamic

Jadea

I started awake, sitting straight up in bed as the tendrils of the nightmare I'd had cleared from my mind.

It took a moment for my sleep-hazed brain to realize I wasn't alone. Adam. My nightmare had woken him. He was a silent observer in my mind as I worked through my thoughts. One arm resting across my hips, his hand playing with the soft material of the lavender dress I was still wearing.

"Come here baby girl." He pulled me back down into the safety of his embrace. His blue eyes shone brightly in the darkness of the room. "You're safe." His fingers pushed strands of hair behind my ear. He paused, his brows furrowing as he realized my hair was longer than usual. "If you would like to get your hair cut, I can take you into town," he offered. For some reason, my heart melted even more knowing he knew exactly how I liked my hair.

I shook my head. "I was thinking of growing it out," I confessed.

His curious gaze held mine for a few long moments before he accepted this. What had he been thinking? I could have easily touched his mind, but... I didn't have the compulsive need to know every single thing he thought. I honestly thought I would be far more controlling and obsessive with any mate I took.

I was proud of myself for not using this unlimited access to his unfiltered mind and thoughts as a crutch.

We laid in silence for some time before I whispered, "Where do we go from here?" I wasn't ready to go back to Ty's. To be surrounded by everyone yet. And, I knew I wasn't stable enough to be around Aidan and Anika. Not only that, I didn't remember them. I didn't want to break their hearts.

"We take things slowly," he replied calmly, soothingly. "This place isn't far from Ty's. We can stay here, while our pack stays at Ty's. Ty doesn't mind, and the kids absolutely love it there. That way, we have the place to ourselves so we can start working on unpacking the past six months before working to reconnect to your broken memories."

An interesting proposition.

"We will make a routine," he started to explain. "I think a Dom/Sub dynamic would be beneficial here." In his mind I saw what he meant. We had participated in such a dynamic before a few years ago when I was hunting Elam.

Adam allowed me to digest what he was suggesting. At first, I wasn't too sure about it. I had only ever been in that type of relationship with Caden, someone I had known for a long time. Someone I trusted greatly. Though, the more I thought about it, the more comfortable I became with the idea.

I already came to the conclusion I was going to need some help to get through this without falling into some terrible and destructive habits as I worked through the trauma of the past six months. Plus, I had already had one flashback, one partial memory shake loose earlier in the night. "I would be willing to try it," I affirmed. "Let's start with a month first. And each week on... Friday, we assess how things are going? Once the month is up, we can determine how to proceed from there."

"Okay," he agreed. "Some boundaries need to be set, and some tasks agreed upon," he continued, showing me exactly what he meant. While he hadn't delved deeply into my mind, he knew enough. He felt within the shadows of my mind the concerns about running myself to total exhaustion, which then would not allow for proper healing to occur of my mind and body. Which could, then, inhibit the recovery of my memories. While I was drinking blood, I wasn't consuming enough nutrients to balance out what I was burning off. I could feel his pride of my determination and diligence to at least force myself to drink something, even if it wasn't enough. He knew it wasn't easy to force myself to do this.

Then, there was the continuous struggle of my internal talk. There would be affirmations in my future as well.

"I think you need to sleep at least six hours a day. It can be broken up," he quickly added when my mind rebelled at the six-hour minimum. I couldn't remember the last time I had been able to sleep longer than a handful of hours. "When we go to bed at night, you need to at least get three hours," he continued. "Then, during the rest of the day, you can nap to reach the six-hour goal."

That was fair, I grumbled to myself.

"You need to drink at least four liters of blood and eat one square meal."

I balked at the amount.

"I know it's a lot," he soothed, his hands running down my spine. Beneath his fingertips he could feel my bones. "You've lost a lot of weight, Jadea. You need to put it back on. And with how much you're running and exercising your body... You need more calories to put on weight."

I knew it. "I'm having a really hard time with food," I admitted. "I haven't had the desire to make anything, or the energy to cook."

He nodded. "I can help with that. I can cook for you, baby girl," he assured. "Then, your daily affirmations."

I figured those would be added on.

"You will say them to me every day."

"What affirmations would you like me to say?" I asked tentatively.

"I am worthy of love. I am worthy of happiness. My thoughts don't define me. I am strong, even when I am scared. I am proud of myself. This world is better because I am in it," he said after a moment of thought.

This was more than I was used to, which was okay, I assured myself. I think what got me most was how spot on they were. I did my best not to dwell on this, not wanting to alert Adam to just how much they resonated with what I was struggling with. "Okay," I nodded, agreeing to them.

"Once all tasks are completed for the day," he continued. "Then, and only then, you can take to the perimeter to run if you so desire."

I felt the walls closing in a bit, not liking this last part.

"There are other ways to exercise your mind and body. Other ways that are less physically demanding, and still just as mentally stimulating. Like yoga. Pilates. Meditation," he supplied. "I'm not trying to make you feel trapped, Jadea."

I nodded in understanding, knowing this. "When will we start this?"

"I'll settle for your affirmations today after we finish this conversation, baby girl. Then, tomorrow, we will put all of them into practice."

Okay. I could do that.

"I know you have a lot that needs to be unpacked from your time with Silas. I think we should start there with our scenes. The day before a scene, we will talk about what you experienced. I only expect you to go as deep and into detail as you want during these discussions. Based on what you tell me, and what I can feel within your mind, will determine how the scene the next day will go. For us, shibari has worked well in the past. Along with pairing intense s****l stimulation with it."

"For the time being, I would prefer not to use s****l stimulation."

"Okay, what would be a good alternative? Paddling? Spanking?"

I took a moment before saying, "A paddle. Bamboo. Preferably a waffled one." It was meant more for pain. Which was what I was after.

Adam took in my silent thoughts and I zeroed in on his hesitancy.

"Is this a soft or hard limit for you?" I asked, knowing he did not like the idea of hurting me. Based on what I had seen in his mind from our other scenes, he was more a pleasure Dom. He had doled out punishments such as these before, but with items that didn't do as much damage.

He thought for a moment. "Soft limit," he replied gently. "Your limits have changed, it seems."

I nodded after a moment's consideration. "Yes. I just don't know by how much," I added.

"We can always integrate other ... Items as needed. If needed." In his mind's eye, I saw him mentally preparing for the items he would bring with him back from Ty's. Plus, the ones he would have to purchase. "After the month is up, we can determine how you are feeling. Then, maybe we can start making visits." To slowly re-introduce me to everyone and everything without it being too overwhelming. "To start easing you back into your life so you can be around the kiddos."

Tears instantly clouded my vision and my throat clogged as a sob shook my shoulders.

I never thought those words would ever be associated with me.

"I think that is what I am most looking forward to," I admitted to him, leaning on him as he held me, his mind brushing mine soothingly.

Once I was calmed down, Adam continued. "I will give you one more day with your pack before sending them off to Ty's." That would give him the time necessary to gather what he needed. "I will go and talk with Ty in the morning, after everyone is up, and let him know of our plans. I intend to stay there for the night, to visit Aidan and Anika and explain, in such a way they will understand, that I will be gone for most of the month."

"I don't want you to travel by yourself," I stated. Not with Silas and his pack at large.

Adam agreed. "We can speak with Agamemnon for tomorrow specifically. Maybe he could send one of his hounds to travel with me." Not only for tomorrow, but during this month-long process.