Reclaiming Her Heart

Chapter 36 - The Secret's Out

Jadea

I was feeling raw.

Drained.

Balancing on the fine edge of sanity.

I wasn't sure how much more I could give today.

"We are almost done, baby girl," Adam soothed, feeling the fraying edges of my mind. "You will feel better when it's all out."

I prayed he was right.

"What happened right after you learned of Lucien's death? What did you feel?"

I clammed up immediately, knowing this was a big crux of mine.

Adam knew we were at a tipping point. I was going to fight tooth and nail over this.

"Jadea, I can't help you if you won't tell me," he started gently, trying to coax it out of me.

I shook my head, refusing to focus directly on the answer so he couldn't latch onto anything specific.

"Alright," he growled. "Spanking it is. Count them."

The first hit knocked me out of my tailspin. "One," I ground between clenched teeth. "Two," I hissed, the pain centering me. I continued to count, clearing my mind and calming my emotions.

"What did you feel, Jadea, after learning of Lucien's death?" he asked again, calmly. Steadfast.

I caved. Partially. "I felt lost. Hopeless. Like my world was caving in around me. Like... How could I have repaid all of Lucien's kindness and love and compassion by not showing up when he needed me most? It didn't feel right, but I didn't have the resources to disprove what Silas said."

In the silence hanging between us, I prayed Adam would take what I gave and move on.

"There's more," he stated confidently. Through the haze and fog I'd thrown up in my mind, he still caught onto the remnants of what I was trying to hide.

Shit!

I snapped my mouth shut, and forced my mind to be a blank slate.

"You have something to tell me." He caught onto the tendrils of my secret. Of its destructiveness and inherent hold on me. Even after escaping from Silas.

He tried a few more times to crack me open before grabbing the flogger. He tucked my shirt up, exposing the skin of my back and bit, "Count."

The first few strikes weren't too hard, and Adam realized it wasn't having the effect he wanted. When the next one came, it hit hard. Harder than I anticipated. The bite of the strands against my skin stung and made me cry out with pain. A pain I associated with when cutting...

The lashes abruptly ended, and I knew Adam caught onto my last thought.

Fuck!

I knew this was going to be bad. Especially when I reached out through the bond and felt the wall he'd erected in its place.

The pit of my stomach churned when Adam's face loomed in front of mine, his eyes wild with pain, fear and something else. I was too panicked. I couldn't focus on him, on his mind. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest it was reverberating through my whole body.

His hands made quick work of the ropes binding my lower body. His hands shaking with trepidation.

"Adam?" I whispered, wanting him to look up at me, so I could see how deeply I'd hurt him. To see if what I'd done was too much. Irreparable.

I hated how the fear of losing him constricted around my heart and I cursed myself for being so weak and selfish not to say anything before we came to this.

Once my lower body was free of the ropes, his hands gripped my pants and ripped them off my body. His wolf was driving him hard, and I knew there was some part of Adam's past where this struck home. It struck something so deep, it could forever change our relationship. Our bond.

The adrenaline and nerves took hold. I was vibrating so hard as they crashed through me. Tears streamed down my face when he knelt before me forcing my thighs open. And there he saw the carefully placed bandages. He tore them away and stared blankly at the angry red wounds, still not fully healed.

"You wanted to die that night, didn't you?" he breathed, his thumbs moving so softly and gently over the cuts, my breath caught in my throat. How could he be so filled with rage and anger and still handle me with such gentleness and care?

My chest cracked. "Yes," I panted, my vision swimming before my eyes because I couldn't get enough air into my lungs. "But I felt like death was too easy."

"So you're hurting yourself?" he asked angrily, his gaze snapping up to mine. I could see the fear and disappointment mixing together.

"Punishing myself," I corrected, holding his gaze even though I wanted to hide from it.

"I can't continue this scene." He stood abruptly, untying me from the rest of the ropes with a few tugs. Taking my shoulders firmly in his grasp he said, "You need to promise me you will not do this again!"

"I can't!" I wept, knowing myself too well.

His growl reverberated in the air, his alpha bearing down on mine. But, he was at a disadvantage because he'd sworn the oath to me. And we had not performed the mate's bond yet. I could feel his frenzied anger, fear and frustration melding in a whirlwind of emotions coursing through his veins, cursing our situation that bound his hands.

He let me go and backed away. His whole body vibrating with the adrenaline coursing through him. "I need a couple of hours to process this. I need a little bit of time. Alone," he stated as calmly as he could. I felt him pull away and disengage from me. The gaping emptiness he left behind nearly debilitating. I almost doubled over from the ache. "Agamemnon will stay with you. You will stay in the same room with him, or so help me, Jadea..." A red hue clouded the blue in his eyes. "If I come back to you and there are more..."

There would be hell to pay.

I wrapped my arms around me, trying to find some kind of comfort, my gaze falling to the floor. I nodded submissively as my body quaked. "Okay," I whispered in a shaky breath.

And then he was gone.

I fell to my knees, my sobs filling the silence until my throat was raw.

I couldn't stay here, within these walls. They were suffocating.

On unsteady feet, I made my way to the porch and shifted. Behind me, I could feel Agamemnon's presence, but he did not stop me.

As I ran, I prayed harder than I ever had Adam would come back. That he didn't think I was too much. That I was incapable of being saved. Unlovable.

I had broken his trust.

My inability to be completely truthful, to trust in him indefinitely, would be my downfall.

I ran the perimeter at a grueling pace, trying to race fast enough from the thoughts in my head. But there was no respite.

I ran until the cuts on my thighs broke open and seeped. I ran until the pads of my feet were cut, raw and bleeding. I ran until all I felt was numbness.