Reclaiming Her Heart

Chapter 29 - Introspection

(Song Inspo: "Before the World Named You (A Love Letter)" by Iyana

Adam

I did not like where she went with her thoughts.

I despised Silas. Possibly even hated him. He had taken away the most important person in my life. His actions made so many I loved suffer.

I didn't want to think he had done this with another purpose. To save his own family and pack. To draw Constance's attention his way. It would give him an opportunity to escape Cerberus—if he was indeed Silas's enemy—hide, and seek help from us.

It was such a well-laid out plan.

I just prayed Silas wouldn't come looking for Jadea, asking her specifically for asylum. I wasn't sure I would be able to stop myself from killing him. And I wasn't sure how Jadea would respond to me if I acted on impulse.

Silas hurt her in so many ways. He hadn't protected her when she'd needed it. He had done something that was unforgivable in my opinion.

I kept my feelings to myself, able to stay under Jadea's radar since she was lost in her own turbulent thoughts and emotions.

As much as I wanted to stop her from going down this particular rabbit hole with Silas, I wasn't about to stop her.

Working her mind like this might help her reconnect sooner with her broken memories.

"Are you hungry?" I asked after a while. I'd enjoyed holding her like this. It had been months since I'd held her like this, and I was loath to give it up. However, I had my own tasks to keep. One of them was making sure she was fed. And, I knew she hadn't eaten anything yet.

"No," she sighed. "But I know I need to eat." She relented. She also didn't want to move. Which surprised her. She felt safe here, with me. Even if she didn't fully trust me yet.

Baby steps, I reminded myself. She was doing great. We were starting back at square one. I was working with the Jadea I met for the first time, back in Modesto, California. Before everything happened. Before everything changed. She had once taken a chance on me, and I knew she would get back there—regardless if her memories came back, or not. I just had to be patient. We had time. I wasn't going anywhere. Even if it took a lifetime to regain every ounce of her trust and love, she was my person. My best friend. My life. There was no getting rid of me.

I stood with her cradled in my arms and carried her into the kitchen. I set her on the countertop of the island before turning to the fridge to pull out some things. I noted what we were low on, and touched Garret's mind, asking him to gather a few grocery items to bring with him tomorrow.

"Why don't you say your affirmations, baby girl, while I cook? Then we will eat. And then afterwards..." My voice trailed off. I hadn't expected her to fail like this. I expected her to fail at one or two of her tasks later, when we were in the thick of it. Working with her before, she'd been so diligent and disciplined she rarely broke any task. Now for her to fail all of them so soon... It showed just how disconnected she was with herself. How broken she really was.

"I know," she whispered under her breath, sounding so submissive. So broken. In the back of her mind, I heard Lucien's voice reverberating an important message: A pack is only as strong and disciplined as its alpha.

"Talk to me about that lesson," I encouraged her. Over the years, I had only ever heard it a handful of times. Now, though, it seemed it was on repeat. Almost like a mantra.

She took a deep breath, as if contemplating what to say. "It was just after I declared I was going into the hunt. That I would follow in Lucien's footsteps. He'd instantly shifted my training, and taught me hard lessons that would not only allow my pack and I to rise to fame and fortune and keep my pack safe. If I, as the alpha, was not the rock, if I faltered in any way, if I showed weakness. It would reflect directly on the pack. Any misstep on my part could, and would, result in someone getting hurt or killed. As the alpha, I set the tone. If I cut corners, if I was not disciplined, my pack would follow suit. His strict training is the only reason I never lost anyone to the hunt." Which was an impressive feat. I could see it in her mind's eye. It was very rare there were no casualties in a hunting pack's lifetime. "I am weak now," she continued on, her voice soft. Not criticizing, just matter of fact. "If I cannot follow through with the tasks I have agreed to, then I am not fit to lead my pack. It doesn't matter if I wake up like I did this morning, in a panic, needing to get out of the house. It doesn't matter what I feel in the moment. I have to keep my head. I have to remain vigilant and strict to my morals and values. To what I have said I would do. Otherwise..."

It could cost lives.

While she wasn't in the hunt anymore, it still held merit due to her position in the council. And with every day life.

"I failed myself and my pack when I did not follow through with my agreed-upon tasks," she stated with a little more conviction. "I will do better tomorrow." I paused at her declaration, pride at her grit to keep going, to strive to do better, spreading through my chest. "I am worthy of love," She said strongly, starting her affirmations. "I am worthy of happiness. My thoughts don't define me. I am strong, even when I am scared. I am proud of myself." She faltered on proud. Taking a deep breath, she finished, "This world is better because I am in it."

Yes. It was so much better, I agreed. This world had not felt right, or whole, when she had been gone. When I thought I lost her forever to death. I didn't want to dwell on how dark my life had become during that time. I didn't want to remember the ever present pit of despair and emptiness which had been carved into my heart. Nearly swallowing me whole.

I dished out two plates of food, and handed her one. She took it obediently, ate everything without complaint, and drank a large amount of blood on top of it.

I could see the determination starting to return. The purpose in her life coming back.

At this rate, we would be able to return to the pack by the end of the month, regardless if she remembered everything. She was building her foundation again. It wouldn't take long before she could step back into her role as alpha of the Knight Necromancer's pack. To regain her title of councilor.

And to finally re-initiate the mate's bond.

Slowly, my wolf reminded me gently. She doesn't need us to put pressure on her.

No, indeed she didn't. She already expected so much of herself. We just needed to be her rock as she worked through all of this. She was already taking leaps and bounds.

"I am ready when you are, sir," she said softly, her gaze cast down in that submissive way.

This was probably going to be the hardest part. Dolling out the punishment. There wasn't anything I wanted more than to tell her she was doing great, and we could let this slide.

But, if I let it slide, it could create a monster in its place.

I had to stand steadfast in my tasks and convictions as well. I set the tone here. If I bent, especially right now, I was sure it would create a major setback. The behavior would repeat, and she would almost expect me to not follow through. It was important I followed through with my side of the bargain, to show her I would hold her responsible. That she could rely on me, even when it was hard and challenging. Even when I didn't want to, I would be a lighthouse, standing tall and firm in the storm, leading the way back home.