Reclaiming Her Heart

Chapter 35 - Pain

Jadea

After I retreated into my room, I did my best to keep all the rioting emotions from spilling out. It wouldn't take much to alert Adam to my destructive tail spin.

And I wasn't ready to face myself. To face the lowest depths I'd fallen to.

While I knew the story of Lucien's death was different from how Silas told it, I still felt responsible somehow. I still felt unworthy of the Knight name. I felt unworthy to be called his daughter. He deserved someone who could have offered so much more. I hated myself immensely for letting him down.

I deserved to feel pain, my treacherous mind told me. Pain was the only way I could repent for the damage I'd caused.

I found myself back in the shower, hovering in the corner, the knife cutting into my raw and healing skin. The cuts from last night still jagged and red; still not entirely healed. I cut deeper. Longer. More.

I deserved this pain for what I'd done.

And while I knew it was a bad thing to do, a dark and terrible path to go down, I couldn't stop.

I knew I needed help, but I didn't know how to ask for it...

The next day, I met Adam in the scene room. I was dressed in yoga pants and a shirt, bound strongly by the ropes. They felt so welcoming. Soothing. Like a giant hug. I could relax into it and feel all the weight of the world falling off my shoulders.

Adam's presence in the room didn't go unnoticed. His eyes moved over me, over his work, in admiration. Those hot and heavy eyes brushing over my skin as I hung suspended in the air.

I knew the questions would come.

I prayed I was strong enough to answer them all.

Today was going to be harder.

Both for me, and for Adam.

After going over the basics, Adam jumped right in. "Did you really feel like you were a part of the family? A part of the pack?"

Taking a deep breath, I allowed the question to infiltrate my mind. To cut through all the hazy memories and emotions. They all felt fuzzy due to the toxin I'd been subjected to, which made it all that much harder to decipher the deeper emotions hidden there. "On the surface, yes," I started, closing my eyes to better focus. "I think Silas, others in the family and also within his pack, accepted me. They treated me like one of their own, especially after I'd protected them from the Lykaios alpha."

"But?" He pressed, knowing there was more.

Such an intuitive being, I mused to myself. He was excellent at picking up on the little nuisances in my mind. "I felt like Silas held me at arms length. I felt like he wanted to accept me, and love me like a daughter, but he wouldn't allow himself to do so."

"Do you think he related you to his daughter? That he was afraid to get too close?"

"Possibly. Or, because I had not said the oath and bound myself irrevocably to him, he couldn't allow himself to hope. He couldn't allow himself to feel such emotion until I made my choice."

"You're doing good," he praised, running his hands through my hair, his lips moving over my neck. I hummed at his approval and attention. "What do you think would have happened to you had you not bound yourself to Silas and become part of his pack?" He breathed against my skin, his hands roving over my body.

Keb's face flashed in my mind and I winced. Adam paused in his ministrations as he digested the flashes of memories he'd seen.

"Breathe, baby," he commanded gently. I imitated his breathing, taking a long slow breath in, then out. I followed his lead until my racing heart was back under control. "Let's try that again," he encouraged softly.

I was safe here, I told myself. No one knew where I was. No one would be able to find me here. Taking one last deep breath, I whispered, "I think I would have been another casualty of the underground trafficking ring," I admitted.

"Do you know who he is, Jadea?" Adam asked.

"His name is Keb, and I know he is one of the big players in the underground trafficking of immortals," I whispered, afraid if I spoke too loud, I may conjure him out of thin air. I was not ready to face him yet.

Adam felt my hesitation, and paused. "Your altercation with him came later, didn't it baby girl?"

I nodded. "It was right before I fled."

When he didn't say anything else, I peeked my eyes open and saw his contemplating expression. "I don't want to get too far off the timeline, unless you would like to delve into this particular rabbit hole?" he asked, those stormy eyes holding mine intently.

"I'd rather wait." I wasn't ready to open that can of worms just yet.

"Okay." He agreed. Stepping away, he grabbed one of my favorite chocolates and fed it to me, chasing it with a kiss. I hummed my approval. "Are you ready to continue?"

I nodded.

"Do you, or did you, have feelings for Mateo?"

Was that a hint of jealousy I felt at the edges of his mind? "No, I do not, and have not, harbored any feelings for Mateo. He... is repulsive to me," I answered honestly. "At least when it comes to a romantic relationship. I see him more as a brother."

He chewed on his next question. "You didn't tell me everything from your night out bowling."

I wasn't surprised he picked up on that. Licking my lips, I said, "Mateo bought me an outfit, since I did not have anything else to wear other than the plain, borrowed clothes I'd been provided upon my arrival. He picked them out." Which meant he'd not only imagined me in them, but could have fantasized about stripping them off of me as well. "When we returned that night, he ... Kissed me."

The jealousy and anger that surged through Adam was surprising. He was usually so good at remaining calm and stoic. Of being in total control of his emotions, especially when it came to handling me. Feeling them did not scare me, though. It was relatable.

"I did not like it when he kissed me," I told him, my gaze holding his intently. It was important for him to know.

"Who's do you enjoy?" The tone of his voice dropped several octaves as he stepped closer, a few knuckles curling under my chin to tip my head up to his. Both his wolf and himself were possessive and did not like the idea of anyone else touching me in such a manner.

"Yours," I breathed, feeling myself surrendering to him. It wasn't something I was used to doing. However, I felt insurmountably safe with Adam. Even if I couldn't begin to understand the entirety of why. Yes, we were soul mates; but I had been so adamant about never allowing myself to fall into such a reckless trap. And love was a trap.

Just not the kind of trap I believed it to be.

Adam's lips brushed mine softly, his mind fully melded with mine, seeing and hearing every one of my thoughts. When he deepened the kiss, I closed my eyes in bliss, allowing myself to fall further into him, into his safety and comfort. "Good girl," he whispered against my lips when he broke away from the drugging kiss. I knew he didn't want to stop. Heck! I didn't want him to either. But, there was still so much more of the scene we needed to unpack and unravel.

Forcing space between us, Adam took several deep breaths, ran his hands through his hair—mussing it up enough I wanted to fix it, to run my fingers through his hair and--

"Jadea," he growled admonishingly over his shoulder.

"Sorry sir," I groused, forcing myself not to pout.

I could feel his amusement through our bond at my response and I too found the humor in it.

With his back still turned, he asked the next question, "How did it feel when your one connection, the photo, was taken away?"

Closing my eyes, I fell back into those dark memories. "Upset. Like a part of me was taken. My only lifeline back to a past I didn't have. I didn't want to give it up because of how you looked at me." I admitted, tears stinging my eyes. "It's strange to say out loud, but I could feel the love you had for me pouring off that photo. And it helped to have it. To have you there during that time."

Adam's warmth surrounded me as the tears came unbidden. He praised me and held me as I mourned the loss of that connection.

"You left out something when Silas whipped you," he stated after I calmed back down. "What was it?"

Biting my lip earned me a sharp slap to my backside. My knee-jerk growl was brought up short when his hand closed around my neck.

"You don't get to bite your lip, baby girl. You don't get to harm yourself like that. Now, answer me, or I will spank you." Ten times, I reminded myself of the first punishment.

Through gritted teeth, I admitted, "I tried reaching out to Lucien." Tears once again pricked my eyes, but I forced them back. This was going to be hard to admit. Hard to get through. The bile rose in my throat, the bitterness clouding my tongue. "He was always there for me. Even when I wasn't deserving of it. He never abandoned me, and never would. When I called, no matter where I was, no matter the circumstances, he always came." I bit my lip again, knowing I would get punished for it, but I couldn't stop it.

The paddle landed hard on my backside. Adam struck harder than usual, making sure it was felt through the fabric of the pants. I cried out softly.

"If you bite your lip again, baby girl, I'm going to give you twenty of these. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," I whispered, gritting my teeth.

"What happened when you reached out?" he pressed.

"Nothing!" The dam within my chest broke. "Nothing happened," I wailed. "There was only darkness. I could not reach him. I was alone. All alone in that place," I sobbed brokenly, hating how weak I felt suspended in the air, as if floating through space and time without purpose.

And then Adam's mind latched onto me, grounding me. Giving my mind an anchor. It was strong. Pure.

It knocked the very air out of my lungs with its impact.

My eyes flew open, meeting his gaze head on.

He wouldn't let me drift away. I knew there was no place I could ever go where he would not follow.