Reclaiming Her Heart

Chapter 39 - Affirmations

Adam

"Well, that was all very exciting," Caden clapped his hands together, breaking the silence. "How about we all go inside and have a calmer discussion?" he suggested, leaving no room for argument.

Jadea grumbled something, but did as asked.

Inside, Caden asked her to lead us to her room.

I didn't like the bloody footprints she left, or the drops of blood from her hands and thighs. If it would have been me, I would have picked her up instead of allowing her to continue to further hurt herself. However, I had given Caden permission to lead. I was here to observe now. To learn. If I had something to say, it would be done privately. I would only show Jadea a united front with Caden.

When we got to Jadea's room, Caden told her to get a few towels. She spread one out on the edge of the bed, then set another one on the ground below her feet. "Lie down," he commanded.

Examining her wounds, he clicked his tongue. Reaching into the pack leaning against the bed, he pulled out a bottle of rubbing alcohol.

"We will discuss how this dynamic between the three of us will commence after you have gotten some rest." Caden's voice was strong, commanding. "Until then, our terms and agreements will resume immediately."

"Yes, sir," Jadea whispered.

"Proceed with your affirmation."

Affirmation? Was this different than the ones Caden insisted she practice right after she'd saved me and my children from Hans and Elam? Or were there different affirmations for different circumstances?

Tipping the rubbing alcohol onto the raw wounds of her hands, she hissed, "When I disregard my own health, my own body and needs, I inadvertently hurt those who rely on me." It wasn't one I'd heard before, which led me to believe there were different ones. I would have to ask Caden for them so I could implement them when needed.

Picking up her feet, he continued pouring the liquid over her wounds. I could feel the uncomfortable sting. "When you disrespect yourself and hurt them, what happens?" He pressed.

"Trust is broken. Mistakes happen. Wolves die," was her clipped answer. Teeth clenched when he poured the alcohol over the deep wounds of her thighs.

"Good girl," he praised. "As your Dom, and as your friend, I promise to help you be the best version of yourself you can be."

I liked this statement from Caden. I might have to make my own to say to her.

This experience so far was enlightening to say the least.

"What do you need to do?"

She swallowed hard, tears leaking from her closed eyes. "To trust you completely," she said through gritted teeth. "No secrets. No lies. To hold myself accountable when I can."

"And when you can't, I will be there to help you," Caden's promise rolled over her. "And?"

"To hold myself to the same expectations I would hold my pack mates to. Because, if I cannot lead by example, then I have no right to lead at all."

"Good girl." He pressed one soft kiss against the inside of her thigh before standing up. "Adam," he turned to address me. "Lick the wounds on her thighs closed. Do not talk to her. I will be right back."

It was interesting to see their dynamic play out before me. I knew I would learn a lot from this. While I had done my own research and spoken to other wolves about b**m and the Dom/Sub dynamic, I still felt rather green in this field.

I did as instructed. Kneeling between her thighs, I took a moment to fully see her. To see the story cut into her skin. She had a lot of scars on the insides of her thighs. Usually, wolves healed without scars. It was only when they were so malnourished and barely surviving—such as what Jadea experienced when given the toxin--when scars formed. I wasn't sure how to feel about this.

She had been cutting herself for a while. My thumbs moved over the scars and I felt another crack in her heart form. Soft sobs wracked her body when I leaned in and gently licked her wounds closed.

Caden came back in with a glass of blood. "Alright," he said, handing it to her after I was finished. "This situation you have put yourself in requires immediate attention. First off, you no longer get to be by yourself. Ever. Not when you have to pee, shower, sleep. Run. Either Adam or I will be with you at all times. Until there is such a time we can trust you to be on your own again without harming yourself. And if you do sneak off to be on your own, it will be six thwacks with Mr. Spikey." A specific paddle that was not meant for pleasure at all. Jadea shivered at the thought, the memories of that paddle rushing back to her. I winced at those memories, praying she didn't cross that line. It would be hard to allow Caden to dole out that type of punishment. "Do you accept?"

She nodded. "Yes, sir."

"You will continue your tasks like usual, with the addition of daily writing assignments and manual chores as seen fit by Adam or I. Such as tonight, before our scene, you will scrub your blood from the floor."

Scene? I glanced at Caden. Was a scene tonight necessary?

Jadea bared her teeth at Caden's task, but nodded. She really hated taking orders. "Yes sir," she ground out.

"Now, here's the important part. You do not get to harm yourself. Ever. If you have that urge, you will tell Adam or I and we will find a productive, and controlled, way to help satisfy and channel that urge."

I didn't like how he did not specify it would not harm her specifically.

"There may be some instances where blood must be drawn in order to scratch that itch," Caden explained, almost knowingly. "In allowing us to manage that, we can determine how far to take the scene and where a line must be drawn. We can make the decisions and end a scene if we decide it is too dangerous. This puts the power back in our court, not hers."

Hmm, I mulled over his explanation. While I didn't like it, I understood it. This was better than her hiding her self harm.

"We can discuss it further later tonight or tomorrow," Caden assured, turning his attention back to Jadea.

"Do you accept?" he asked her.

"Yes, sir."

"Now, I can feel how coiled you are. I know you will not be able to rest being so wound up. Would you like to engage in a scene tonight, to help release that?"

"Yes, sir," she affirmed.

"Okay. I plan to string you up by ropes on the rafters of the back porch, far enough so you cannot move to fling yourself around as I strike you. I will do this for one entire song of my choice. This song, over the course of the next two weeks—and during subsequent scenes when you want to harm yourself—will be played in conjunction with methods used to fulfill that urge to self-harm. To help condition you, so when you hear that song, your mind will automatically remember the pain you feel. This is to give you another outlet or option, in the instances when Adam or I are not available to immediately help you. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir."

I liked this fail-safe: correlating a song to the pain. Conditioning her so she had something to fall back on, because we all knew life would happen. There would be a trigger. Something was bound to set her off, and neither Caden or I would be there to help her in the immediate aftermath.

"Now, my only question is, what would you like me to use on you?"

"May I see what you brought, sir?"

Caden reached for his pack and pulled out several items, laying them down on the bed. There were some floggers made more for pain than pleasure, a couple paddles that were far more advanced than the ones I had, and a few other wicked items. Jadea stood up and examined them, touching a few before she asked, "Where are the others, sir?"

"These were the ones within your limits from our last time together," he stated clearly.

Taking a slow, steady breath she replied, "My limits have changed. I need something... More."

"What do you have in mind?"

"The cat-o-nine," she whispered.