Reclaiming Her Heart

Chapter 28 - Reflection

(Song Inspo: "Before the World Named You (A Love Letter)" by Iyana

Jadea

Those stormy blue eyes held mine intensely, waiting.

I swallowed hard, making my move on the chess board before sitting back and crossing my arms. I hated this feeling, of being so exposed and vulnerable mentally.

However, I knew the importance of opening up and talking about the trauma. It never ended well if it was kept all bottled up inside. I had been there, and done that, bought the T-shirt and didn't want to go back.

"I am angry," I stated, identifying one of the many emotions I'd felt earlier. "Angry because I want to hate Silas, yet I feel as though I am being robbed of the justification for my anger. I am angry because I don't want to feel sorry for him, or understand why he may have done what he did."

Adam nodded, moving one of his knights into play.

I moved a rook, contemplating what I wanted to say next.

"In my memories, I saw Silas's daughter being sacrificed. Elam chose her out of spite and some kind of vengeance because Silas didn't want to partake in Elam's violence and evil agenda. Elam kidnapped her. He hurt her. He ..." My voice caught as tears threatened to fall, because something like that could easily happen to Aidan or Anika. I was a councilor. I'd made a lot of enemies. If any one of them wanted to get back at me...

"Jadea," Adam's voice pulled me out of that tailspin. "Breathe."

I took a slow deep breath, held it, counted to five and let it back out.

"I think part of my issue is how," I fumbled for the right words. "How easy and plausible it would be for something like that to happen to us." I swallowed hard, my gaze dropping away from Adam's. Fear gripping my chest hard as the words caught in my throat. "I'm afraid this very real and conceivable possibility will drive you away. I'm afraid," my voice continued to get quieter as I spoke, the unshed tears thick in my throat. I wasn't sure if I was talking coherently enough for Adam to understand, though all he had to do was connect with my mind and see the vast fear of darkness consuming me. "I'm afraid you will reject me this time around. You will reject me and walk away from my life in order to keep your children safe. I am afraid I will never get to experience the depths our love can go if you do reject me," I admitted, hating the taste of insurmountable fear on my tongue. It was rare I tasted such emotion, and it made me feel weak. Less than. "And, I wouldn't blame you if you did leave in order to keep your children safe," I added in a breathless, broken whisper. A prayer caught deep within my soul, praying he wouldn't leave me. And, at the same time, hating how I allowed someone to have such a hold on me. With tears on my lashes, my gaze met his as I spoke that last sentence. I had to see his honest reaction. To see if what I said held any merit.

It didn't.

Those intense blue eyes held mine intently, never once faltering, flinching or looking away. He did not shift uncomfortably, even when he caught onto that deep-rooted bitterness and distrust I still had buried in my chest. Rather, he looked back at me with such love and tenderness, I was taken aback. "To know you would not harbor any ill will towards me or my children if I decided to leave, speaks volumes about the depths of your love for us. I will not lie and say I am not scared, Jadea," he continued strongly. "However, I'm not going anywhere. Being with you, and your crazy pack of mutts," he said lovingly with an adoring smile in his eyes, lips tilting up as fond memories flooded his mind, "Is worth all the endless, scary possibilities that could happen. The love you can give, the healthy environment you have created, the safe space you built brick by brick ... that is priceless, Jadea. Our children are gaining so much from the beautiful world you've built for yourself, your pack, for us and for them. Love is worth taking risks for. It is worth knowing even if it does not last."

He'd said our children.

Our children...

There was no stopping the tears. I pulled my knees up to my chest to keep myself together as I started falling apart at the seams.

Adam was there, picking me up in his arms before settling back down on the couch with me cradled against his warm, bare chest. His arms banding around me tightly, holding me together through the storm.

Since Hans had a hysterectomy done on me, I knew I would never have the ability to have children of my own. It was something I had come to terms with long ago. Something I mourned and healed from. Then, due to my skewed view on love, I had sworn off true love forever. Love, for me, was something that could be used to manipulate and hurt with. It was a tool used to make another compliant, to accept the abuse because they were hoping their efforts would be rewarded with love; or praying to be spared their wrath disguised as love. The word always scared me due to how Hans, and Elam, abused that sacred bond.

At a very young age, I accepted the fact I would always be alone. That I would never find the one other soul that matched mine perfectly. And, even if I did, I accepted the fact I would be rejected due to my inability to have children. It was a whole cycle I had gone through.

Yet, fate placed Adam, and his children, directly in my path.

And they loved me despite everything. Despite my flaws. Despite the danger they would always be in due to their affiliation with me.

I didn't know what I did to deserve such a gift. However, I was determined to do my best to keep it.

Time didn't matter as I stayed tucked safely in Adam's warm embrace. My head resting on his chest, my ear pressing over his heart. I closed my eyes and listened to its strong, rhythmic beat.

"Silas made a choice, Jadea," Adam's voice broke the silence after a good, long while. "You deserve to feel angry. You deserve to feel betrayed. Scared. Upset. You don't have to feel compassion for him at all," he continued on. "He chose this life, Jadea. He chose to hurt you."

But what if he hadn't chosen?

The question popped into my mind without warning.

What if Silas felt he didn't have a choice? What if Elam or Cerberus threatened to kill his mate? His entire pack?

If I was backed into a corner... I might have chosen to bide my time. To bend to Elam's will if it meant keeping my mate, children and pack safe. Or at least keep them alive until I found a way for everyone to escape.

"He could have asked for help from the council, or from Constance." Adam countered my thoughts.

I shook my head, sitting up, my mind a whirlwind. "Constance was still under the memory manipulation spell at the time Elam performed this ritual. And, if Silas had gone to the old, corrupted council for aid, I don't know if he would have been received kindly. Or if they would have helped at all, since they were all vile beings themselves. There may not have been anyone Silas could trust to help him and his pack without fear of retaliation." What if he had gone to the old council and been found out? What if he was under constant scrutiny and this opportunity gave him the chance to get out from under it?

Maybe capturing me had been his last cry for help?

He could have attacked Ariat when I went to him for protection. Yet he didn't. He pulled back. He disappeared. The chaos I created upon my escape gave him the chance to run.

But where had he gone?

And where would he show up?

If I had to guess, he would find me somehow. I was a councilor. I had granted asylum and forgiven other primitive wolf packs in order to build a stronger community. Maybe he would come to me, seeking some form of protection.

The only question was, would I be able to give it?