Reclaiming Her Heart

Chapter 13 - Prolonged Suffering

Jadea

After a nice, long bath, I stared at myself in the mirror. Truly looking at myself.

I looked like absolute hell.

The prolonged exposure to demon's blood had taken its toll on my body. There were deep purple circles under my eyes. My skin looked ashen. I was thin, too thin. While I had done a lot of running and extra training during my capture, I had done well to replenish myself for the most part. Until the end, I admitted to myself.

I would have to be careful, to make sure I continued to eat, get enough rest, and recover. Otherwise ... I would end up like I used to be. Anorexic. Anemic. Close to death.

I closed my eyes and knew without someone here to hold me accountable, I would indeed fall into those old patterns. Not eating enough. Barely sleeping. And running. Running until I collapsed from exhaustion. I already knew I was having a hard time eating. I was forcing myself to at least drink blood. I had no energy to hunt or make meals. The fridges and freezers were fully stocked by Constance before we arrived. They were filled mainly with blood and meat. Which meant we didn't have to hunt for a while. I was thankful for her generosity and kindness.

The past two days, I forced myself to stay in the cabin. To stay in bed. To allow my body to rest, even if my mind was racing a mile a minute. I fought the urge to run. To exert myself until I couldn't go any further. I allowed myself to go over everything that happened to me at Silas's and everything Constance had shown me. So much conflicted with each other. I was privy to believe Constance over Silas, but there were still tendrils of doubt in the recesses of my mind.

It was maddening.

Finally, on the third day, I allowed myself to exercise slightly. I ran the perimeter for a short while, before retiring. Agamemnon joined me for lunch that afternoon, and we had a nice, easy conversation.

"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he asked.

My shoulders tensed, wondering what he wanted to know. I nodded my head for him to ask.

"Why haven't you let your pack and mate know you have been recovered? Why are you prolonging their suffering? And, subsequently, yours? I know what it is like to be an alpha, to have made lasting bonds with others. I also know what it is like to lose them as well, and how utterly debilitating it is to lose that connection."

I mulled over his questions, listening to his ramblings with an open mind and heart. "While Constance's memories show I was deeply in love with my mate, and on good terms with my pack, her memories were from months before I was captured. A lot could have happened between us. I could have done something to lose my pack's trust and my mate's love... I guess, to answer your question in a simpler way: I am afraid there is merit to what Silas said, that I hurt them, and if they did disband me, reject me, I want to live in the blissful unknown for a little while longer. I don't think I am strong enough to accept their rejection if I go to them now."

"Hmm," he hummed across from me, a curious expression in his gaze. "Waiting only prolongs the suffering. Either way," he stated, not in an argumentative way. "If you wait, and they reject you, you will have allowed yourself to hope. Which will then have greater and more devastating consequences to your mental health. On the other hand, if you wait and everything you fear is a lie, and they welcome you with open arms, you would have waited in vain."

An interesting take.

"You do not have to heal yourself, Jadea. You do not have to hide your darkness, your weaknesses, in order to be loved. You do not have to go back to them a whole wolf. You deserve to be loved and accepted for where you are, regardless if you are whole or not. You do not have to go through this alone."

Tears leaked from the corners of my eyes and my lower lip trembled as his words hit a deeper chord within my chest. It was as if he was able to read the deepest parts of myself.

"You also realize," he continued on, as if he hadn't bared my soul, "You may have an easier time remembering and recalling memories if you are around your mate, and those you were close to, such as your pack. Not only being privy to their minds and memories, it will help repair the pathways to the axons that were destroyed."

I heard of something like this happening with memory manipulation spells. Where, when someone who suffered from such a malady was exposed to their mate, or close family/friends, their memories came back faster and easier than those who never saw a familiar face.

"Do you mind going on an adventure with me tonight?" I asked Agamemnon. There was one thing I wanted to do before I let everyone know I was alive and safe.

***

That night I snuck onto my father's land.

I knew the perimeter well and knew how to sneak on and off the property without getting caught. I'd left Agamemnon a half mile away, so he wouldn't set off the alarm.

I wanted to visit Lucien's final resting place.

It was deep into the night. Almost one in the morning. No one, but the perimeter wolves would be up. This would be the most opportune time to come without being caught. Especially since I would be exposed out in the open.

I stood on the edge of the large clearing where training commenced. On the edge, nearest the apartments where most of the pack stayed, I saw the small memorial that was erected in memory of my father. In the moonlight, I walked over to the simple stone, tears clogging my eyes and throat the closer I got. My chest tightened, and I forced the wail of sorrow to stay in my chest. I fell to my knees right before it and allowed silent tears to fall at the foot of the cold stone.

Within Constance's memories, I found out how Lucien passed. Harley, my half brother, had shape-shifted into someone Lucien trusted, and he had killed him and his mate right here, within Lucien's very home. Harley and I shared a mother, but our fathers were different. Where I was descended from Ariat Lykaios, Harley was descended from Hans Campbelle. Harley's extremely rare gift came from Elam Valentino, our grandfather. Elam had once been associated with an older generation, Phoenix. Constance, and her guard, had been tasked to retrieve him as part of a deal they'd made with the goddess, Fate. Since I was also descended from Elam, Constance asked me to take point on this. I hadn't known then that Elam was after me as well. He served Cerberus, the evil that rose against Constance, and they were determined to capture me and use me to aid in their wicked plight. Due to my unique bloodline within the primitive wolf packs, I would be able to unite the warring clans. I could sway them either towards the Phoenix, or Cerberus.

Lucien and his mate had been casualties of this plight.

While I knew the story, it didn't lessen the blow of losing Lucien a second time. Of being robbed of those intimate memories during that dreadful time. Of any last, precious moments with my adoptive parents I may have had. And it wounded me greatly, not knowing if their love for me had run just as deeply as mine had for them; or if they had cursed me in their final moments; or had embraced me like their own daughter. Or, if they simply passed before we could say our final goodbyes.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps approaching.

There had been no lone wolf's howl in the night, alerting the compound of a possible intruder.

These footsteps were non-urgent.

Just someone who was up late, unable to sleep. Much like I was.

And those footsteps were headed straight towards me.

I bolted into the forestry just behind the memorial and hid myself in the dense brush there. Moments later, Ty, my brother, emerged looking rather haphazard. His hair was longer than I remembered and unkempt. He had a five-o-clock shadow. His glasses were askew. There were deep circles under his eyes. He looked so lost and forlorn, it broke my heart. Where was the happy-go-lucky Ty that never allowed any situation to get him down?

He stood before the memorial, gazing upon it longingly. His hand reached out to the cold stone in a loving caress. "I wish you were here, father. You would know what to do. You would know how to find her," he whispered, his voice breaking as he tried to keep the tears at bay. "We are all worried. We are all sick with fear for her. I can feel it within her pack and mine. Even Caden's pack is being affected by this news." He took a steadying breath and cried out softly, "If you are truly looking over us right now, please, please bring her home safely. Remind her she has something to live for. She has a home to come back to, a family who loves her, a mate who is broken without her, children who long for their mother, and a pack who is lost without their alpha."