You Came Back

Pain

Is he out of his damn mind? Did he seriously just ask me out? Like, on a damn date? What the hell? 

All sorts of emotions swarmed in my body. From lust and wanting, to anger and resentment. How am I supposed to answer that when my head screams hell no, but my body is saying f**k yes? Which part of me do I listen to? The young girl, who remembers the times before all this happened? The girl who would follow a younger Jax wherever he went? Or the grown woman, who knows he wasn't there when I needed him most. When Matais needed him. 

"Nikita?" Jax whispered, making me glance up, into his eyes. His eyes were searching mine, like he was trying to find all the answers in them. And he must have, considering he heaved out a breath and shook his head. "Walk before you run Jax" he mumbled out loud. But the way he spoke, made the walls around my heart crack. He sounded disappointed in himself. 

I didn't know what to tell him. He knows. He knows what all I went through. He knows the pain I've been going through. Doesn't he? Doubt crept into my mind, but I quickly dismissed it. I pulled my hair down and ran my fingers through what I could. 

"Jax," I started, but he quickly shook his head. "Don't Nikita." he said, as he looked past me. "It's ok. One of these days, we'll be there." 

Does he really think that? Does he really think it's that easy? 

I wanted so badly to correct him. To tell him how wrong he was. But when he stared back into my eyes, I saw his pain. The longing and sadness was creeping up in the corners, making that wall chip away a little more. He quickly looked away and down to his watch. "s**t. We need to get back, before Niko has a heart attack." 

I nodded my head and gathered all the trash and took it to the bin. When I turned back around, Jax was already making his way to his bike. When I finally made my way to his bike, he offered me his helmet. 

"Uh.....I think I'm going to walk. It's not that far, and I need to clear my head." He pulled the helmet back and nodded his head. "I don't want you out here alone, Kita. Not at this time at night." "I'll be fine, Jax. This is my town." I rolled my eyes. 

He grabbed my wrist as I turned around towards the sidewalk. "The only way I'm letting you walk is if we swap numbers. I need to know you're safe." 

The balls on this dude. 

Reluctantly, I agreed. I typed my number into his phone, as he did the same to mine. As soon as that was done, I turned on my heel and headed to the sidewalk. 

Knowing Niko's house was to the left, I decided to make a right. I need to walk away my stress. I've been here for not even two full days, and I feel like the walls are closing in. For the past five years, I haven't had to talk about it. I haven't had to deal with what happened. 

But now, the pain is in my face, taunting me everywhere I look. The pain is like nothing else. It grips at my heart, and tears it into shreds. It yanks on my soul, stripping it from body and tossing it to the side. This pain, it's real. It's the demon I'm now facing. I don't know what to do. How do I heal from loosing him? How do I move on? 

I walk aimlessly for over thirty minutes, and when I finally look up, I realize I'm at my mother's house. All the lights are off, and there aren't any noises coming from inside, so I grab the hide away key from under a stepping stone and let myself in. 

As I enter the house, it remains quiet. Is mom even home? Yes, her car was in the drive way. I slowly take in the house, while it's empty. 

It's the same as I remember. Like as if she didn't upgrade anything, maybe hoping for someone to return?  I walk slowly up the stairs, making sure to miss the steps that creak. I memorized them from when we use to sneak out. The wall to the right was covered in family photos, all the way to the top of the stairs. 

Photos from family vacations, to graduations and birthday parties and everything in between. I stop a couple of times, and smile as I reminisce of the past. I let a few giggles escape when I spotted the photo mom took when I was ten. Niko, Zain, Mari, and me in capes and we were all mostly wearing goggles. We were covered in paint, from head to toe. Zain and Niko had this amazing idea to have a water balloon war, but instead of water, we filled the balloons up with different color paints. It took a little over a week to get all the paint out of my hair, and mom was pist. But it quickly grew into a tradition of ours, the kids. We continued to do it all the way till I was fifteen. We even got some of the neighborhood kids to join, and even Jax when he began to come around.  

That feels like a whole life time ago. A whole different person ago. I wonder if I'll ever be as free as that girl once was. If I could ever smile and find joy in the little things, like she did. 

I shook my head and continued up the stairs, and made my way into my old room. 

I stopped in the door way and let it all in. Looking from the outside in could maybe prepare me, maybe not. 

I let my eyes slowly graze around the room, taking in every detail. Like I said, mom did not change a thing. I walk over to my desk, and grab the baby blue blanket off the back of the chair and make way over to the rocking chair in the corner, next to the crib. 

I wrapped myself  in his blanket, and rock myself to sleep as silent tears rolled down my cheeks. This, this was what I needed. Him.