LOST TO LUST

WHAT CHANGED?

"It was amazing, I don't know, it's just been so long since I felt so connected with Dan, Do you know what I mean? I explained still looking away from Walter, just as I have been avoiding his look since the start of the session.

"Of course I do" Walter replied, with his hands in his small jotter — his usual practice...

"I mean it's not as if Daniel and I don't make out, to tell the truth, we actually make love at least once a week but it just isn't the same"

"Dan and I went on a camping trip sometime last month — the twins stayed with Sonia... the trip was peaceful and... nice. That's it, just nice... "Nice" is the most positive way I can describe life with Dan these days. And it bothers me so much because every moment I think about Tobe or I spend time with him is one million times more exciting and euphoric than "nice". I said with a slightly shaky voice and I winked my eyes a lot just to fight the tears and prevent them from rushing down.

"But you sound like you regret and want it to stop," Walter asked before I interrupted him.

"Of course I do want it to stop..." I replied still fighting back the tears

"Alright, I know, I just wanted to hear it come from you" He replied this time he dropped the small jotter right on too of his laptop on the table, adjusted well into his seat, and crossed his legs.

"Dan does not deserve this and I don't think my marriage will survive this if he finds out" I added

"Anna, you are a good person, I know this because you are here with me right now. You wouldn't be if you do not think you made a mistake or did anything wrong and it takes so much courage to do what you are doing presently. I really admire your strength..." Walter said and took a pause

"Like I said in one of our past sessions that it is okay not to be perfect. No one is perfect, we only try to be the best version of ourselves, same thing applies to marriage. No marriage is perfect, I'm not at liberty to disclose my client's issue, I would have given you real-life marriage instances that are discussed in this office. Yours is not the worst, in fact, yours is still a child's play when compared to some" he paused again and continued almost immediately.

"You made a mistake, good, now you are trying to retrace your steps and make things right, even better. The next question now is do you really mean it? Are you ready to do whatever it takes? Think very deeply before you answer Anna" he asked and stared so much at me that I had to look at him, he noticed this and smiled.

"I'm absolutely sure, I mean it and I'm ready to do whatever it takes, anything at all" I replied and smiled too

"You know, most people come to me not because they really want to stop their affair or whatever it is they are doing, they come to me so I can give them reasons to justify their actions. Don't get me wrong, they already know all these reasons but they need validation from someone else preferably from an expert..."

"They want to hear things like — oh! It's okay to have an affair outside your marriage, if your husband isn't doing it right, you are free to seek satisfaction elsewhere, of course, it's fine to leave your husband and marriage. You can't be with a person forever and so on. And while all these instances are very right, I'm just trying to make good use of our time. If you are in any of these categories, then you already have your answer, — you are right and I agree with you... So you don't have to book another session or waste another buck here." He said with so much action, his hands were flying in the air as he explained while I just sat there listening attentively.

"But if you are really ready then let's get down to business"

"I'm really ready, I'm very certain. I have a beautiful life, a beautiful husband, and beautiful children... Or I, did, but I'm, um... optimistic" I said obviously confused.

"Anna, trust me, you still do, your husband is still yours... to have and to hold." I laughed when he said the last statement, It made me remember my wedding day when Dan was saying the vows, he missed a couple of phrases and people just burst into laughter — I did too...

"So moving forward, when was the last time you saw Tobe?" Walter continued

"Last week, we Uhm... It was our three-month anniversary then, so... Uhm... We Uhm... went out together" I said while stuttering

"Be free Anna, you don't have to be shy or ashamed here like I always tell you. I won't... No, I can not judge you, it's against the ethics of my work. If you don't bring your problem to me, then I won't be here. You pay me to listen to you and to get a good return on your money, you need to talk to me. So, please, be at ease" he said as he put a short call through to his reception to get him a cup of coffee — he asked me if I wanted to, but I told him I was okay with the bottle of water with me... The reception came in few minutes after with the coffee which he sipped before signalling me to go on.

"I'm at ease, I'm just struggling, I can't believe I'm at this junction already, I thought it would be a smooth ride all through. You know, just sneak around about two or three times and then walk away but now I'm stuck..."

"I understand how you feel, how often do you see and speak with Tobe?"

"We talk every day, he calls me every day, I don't call him often cause I really don't have to. He always calls... He would never go a day without calling."

"We... Uhm, we don't see every day, we meet on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays. My husband is always busy on these days so he doesn't notice if I get home late as I mostly get home before him."

"What about the children, do you think they have noticed your recent lateness?"

"Of course, they do. I mean, they should. If I remember well I think Patricia asked me a few times why I got home late but I just told her that we have lots of work to do now in the office, that we have new clients come in every day and I quickly changed the topic"

"They are now used to it so it is not a problem" I replied.

"Have you ever been bothered they would or have informed their dad?

"I don't think so, my children trust me so they just believe me when I tell them anything. And I believe if they have told their dad, he would have asked me about it."

"Okay, you have your children's trust, your husband doesn't have a clue about what's keeping you late at night, and permit me to ask you this, do you want to keep it like that or do you want to tell him about it?"

"Honestly, I don't know but I don't think I can ever summon the courage to face him, look him in the eyes and tell him that I've been f*cking another man for the past three months... No, no, no, it will kill him" I said with so much hurt in my voice

"But he will heal" Walter said calmly

"I can't, no I can't" I said back

"What happened at the anniversary last week, why this sudden change of heart towards Tobe? I mean throughout our past sessions, you always sounded so sure, what changed?" He asked and took another so of his coffee

"Everything changed at the beach, we went to the beach to celebrate our anniversary. Firstly, it was odd, I mean... Celebrating with another man just months after I celebrated my fifteen years of marriage with my husband. Going out with Tobe was suppose to be and remain just s*x, along the line, I agree that things changed, I started to question my feelings for Dan, but never did I imagine that Tobe would go that far — not even in a million years." I replied, it was as if I was reliving that night while I explained, I could see the whole picture clearly in my head.

"What did he do?" Walter inquired with much curiosity

"Getting to the beach, we had a nice time, we cuddled, we even had a quickie — it wasn't really a quickie in definition but compared to what we've had in the past, it was a quickie...

"Afterwards, we talked for a while before we started packing, and voila, I looked back, and there he was, on one kneel — looking all shiny with the help of the sunset... with a ring box."

My whole world stood still, the moment he opened the box and I SAW THE RING...