Torn Between Two Olivias

An Indecisive Heroine

Throughout my teenage years, I found myself being grateful many times that others could not read my mind. If anyone could and dared, I’m certain that they would find my indecisiveness annoying and unnecessary. My problem was that I wasn’t a particularly picky person, and I needed to fully explore every option before making a commitment. Take food for example. At dinner time, I could spend $50 across three fast food places because my mouth would water over the thought of seasoned French fries, broccoli cheese soup, and supreme pizza. Before deciding on a restaurant I would visualize ordering multiple entrees and sides from the menu of one restaurant only to pass another on my way and have decision remorse I hadn’t chosen that restaurant instead. I couldn’t even make up my mind on what I wanted to be called. I had gone by my first name, Alexandria, throughout middle school but had decided as part of reinventing my image that people should call me by my middle name Paige until my grandma told me my future husband better call me Alexandria. You can imagine this trait of fully fleshing out every decision and action brings a lot of anxiety and uncertainty to every area of my life - work, relationships, and major life decisions.

Speaking of those oh-so-angsty teenage years, our story starts there. After ditching the blue-rimmed nerdy glasses and the ponytail with one long section of hair hanging down to my collarbone in the front in 6th grade, boys started to actually notice me back. I remember enjoying the attention so much and feeling obligated to give them all a shot that from 7th grade to 10th I had a new boyfriend every month. It wasn’t until I met Aaron that things started to slow down.

Aaron and I were in band together - me, a trumpet player and him, a drummer - but ran in different groups. I certainly was aware of him - blue-eyed, funny and awkward like me, and those mouth-watering abs - but I never gave him much thought. One Friday night after a football game, I’d heard that he had broken up with his on-and-off again girlfriend of a few years and felt my heart do a little excited leap. I tried to subtly join the group he was conversing with and catch his eye. The group began to head home but Aaron and I stayed. Eventually, we decided to climb into my fire engine red Ford and head to the local burger and ice cream joint to keep talking. As the place started to close at 11 p.m. I begrudgingly asked Aaron if he needed a ride home and we were on our way.

As we pulled up to his house, he asked me for my number and I tried to play it cool while I rattled off my phone number but my insides were squeeing with excitement.

As I pulled away, my phone pinged to notify me that a text from my friend Miranda came through.

M: Alex - are you doing ok? How are you handling Taylor asking Callie out tonight at the football game? It must have been hard to see her wearing his letterman jacket.

Taylor was my ex of about 8 months and it had only been 3 months since he had broken up with me to be single when he left for college in the fall. I’m not going to lie, it stung quite a bit knowing he was dating again after telling me he wanted to be single heading into college. However, thoughts of Aaron were taking over my brain and I contemplated telling Miranda about my excitement over our burgers and conversation we’d just had.

A: It hurt a little bit tbh, but I heard she puts out pretty quickly. Actually, the thought of them doing it together hurts more than him actually having feelings for her. But…

M: Eww gross. But what?

A: Aaron and I talked for awhile tonight and he asked for my number!

M: What?? I didn’t even know you were into Aaron. Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?

A: I wasn’t really into Aaron, but come on. You’ve seen those abs. And those eyes. Ugh.

A: Also, apparently they broke up.

M: Maybe, but you know she’ll have him back next week.

M: Aaron isn’t really my type, but whatever works for you.

A: He swears they’re really done this time. Eek - this is just what I need to put Taylor in my past. If he can date, then so can I.

M: Mmmm I’m not sure that’s the healthiest method of moving on. Anyway - I gotta go to bed, I have a job interview in the morning.

A: Good luck! You’re going to kill it.

As I put on an old t-shirt and some comfy shorts, I couldn’t help but let my mind wonder to thoughts of Aaron again. What it would feel like to hold his hand (were they rough and calluses from drumming? Surprisingly soft?) or to lean in and kiss those gorgeous lips. I nodded off to sleep hoping I’d wake up with a text from him.