Delirium

You remind me of my childhood

I was combing my hair which was already dry. That’s why it was extremely difficult to get the knots out. It hurt and took a lot of time. 

I was sitting on the corner of his bed while he put a sweater on. I was still wearing his shirt and it was unbelievable how comfortable I got next to him. Although I was still very shy, it wasn’t the same as before...

»Need help?« he asked. He was smiling. I was unbelievably embarrassed, I could barely look into his eyes. He was standing in front of me and reached his hand out. I handed him the comb and stood up. He sat down and I did too, right between his legs. I had to smile when he touched my hair. He was really gentle and he didn’t make it hurt at all. He knew how to handle it. I liked his touch. I didn’t think he would be this close and this kind after getting what he wanted. He didn’t make me feel like he was using me. 

When he was done he asked me »Ponytail or bun?« and I had to laugh. Although I’ve never said anything about it, he knew that I didn’t like it open. I always put it in a bun or a ponytail. He was very attentive. I also laughed about the fact that he knew how to do it. Of course he knew how to do it but the offer was surprising. I didn’t expect that. It was really nice and he actually made me soft.

»Ponytail please.« I answered, smiling. 

I reached him the hair tie that I had around my wrist. He put my hair in a high, tight ponytail. He was doing it like my mom. It made me feel good. It was a very soft moment. He made me feel so comfortable and well... I’ve never felt so peaceful before. 

»Too tight?« he asked. I could literally hear his smile. »No, it’s perfect.« I answered and when he asked »Want me to do your edges too?« I had to laugh. I turned around and looked at him. He wrapped his arms around my body. »Beauty day?« I looked into his eyes but he leaned his forehead against mine. »More than that.« he said. He was quiet.. his voice was soft. It was unbelievable how well I felt next to him. He gave me to urge to cuddle with him. 

»You are beautiful.« he said out of nowhere. My heart almost dropped to my ass. Especially when he said »I love how you move... and how you moan...«. I blushed really hard when he mentioned it. He closed his eyes and so did I.. I listened to his words.. We didn’t even have s*x but he managed to give me the same effect with other things. I wasn’t sure if he knew what it meant to me. That I went this far was already a really big thing for me. It was a huge deal and really important. 

»I love how you get nervous around me and how you give it all a meaning...« I didn’t really understand what he meant with the last part of his sentence but I didn’t want to ask him or think about it because I didn’t want to ruin this moment. It was too beautiful to ruin it. 

I had to smile. 

»I really do get nervous around you.« I whispered back. I loved it when he was whispering, although no one was around. As if only I was allowed to hear his words. As if they were only for me. Not even the walls, not even the windows, not even the floor or the air was allowed to hear these words. 

»I know. I know how much this means to you. I know that this is a big deal to you... I appreciate how well you handle it. Good girl..« he made me weak with these words. I never thought he would say it out loud and tell me what he was thinking. I knew that he was honest and it meant the world to me. Hearing these words from him comforted me so much that most of my worries got pushed back at least for a while. He made me feel soft... like a little kid that got praised for doing good. I missed that feeling... I missed it so much.. he’s always been rough but this time he was so gentle that I couldn’t get enough of it. 

He kissed me gently... he did things to me that only lovers did... but I knew that it wasn’t love. At least that’s what I thought. We haven’t talked about feelings yet and I wasn’t planning on talking about them so fast. I didn’t want to ask him what we were because it was going to destroy everything. I didn’t want to think too much. Just like he and Alex said. I wasn’t going to think too much because overthinking was eating me from the inside and I didn’t like that feeling. 

»You know what I love?« I asked and she slowly shook his head. We looked at each other. »The thought of you doing edges.« I continued and he laughed. I liked it when he laughed and showed emotions. »Don’t try me. I’m really good at it.« he said and I raised a brow. »How? Why?« I asked and he rubbed his neck. My jaw dropped. »Hold up... you’ve been doing other girls edges, right?« I asked, trying to suppress my laugh since I needed to be mad. I stood up but he grabbed my wrist. »Nah. Come on.« 

I tried to resist and get out of his grip but he pulled me back towards him. I was standing between his legs. He looked up to me. »Don’t think of things like these...« he said and put both of his hands on my hips. He always touched me so easily while I was scared to touch him. I felt like I needed to ask for permission...

»Think of something else...« he said, pulling the shirt up again. He was doing it again... he was taking every opportunity... he always distracted me like that and I couldn’t complain. The fact that he was so close to me with his lips made me really nervous. He looked up into my eyes and I almost got a heart attack. 

He grabbed my waist, T-shirt still pulled up, and pulled me closer. As soon as his lips touched my lower abdomen, I gasped. He planted plenty of kisses on my skin and went further down... I bit my lower lip and let my head fall back...

»Ez...« I felt that he was going to leave marks... 

I was wondering why he was doing this. He wanted to make me feel good. He gave me this pleasure... without wanting anything back. He didn’t force me to do anything yet... was he just waiting for me to do something for him too? He didn’t seem like he wanted something back. He only cared about what he made me feel and what he gave me. I couldn’t figure out what he wanted. I wanted to give him something back as well but I didn’t know how... I didn’t want him to think that I was using him or taking advantage of him. 

We got interrupted by his ringing phone. He sighed. He wasn’t amused by it. It was obvious that he enjoyed it. 

»Sorry.« he let the shirt down and stood up. I quickly nodded and waved some air at myself. He left the room and I waited. I looked around a little bit. First I looked in the mirror to see how my ponytail looked and when I saw it I realized that he snapped. It looked really good. As if I made it by myself. He had skills. 

I looked around a little more and remembered that note on his desk. I didn’t want to be noisy or invade his privacy but I was bored and I wanted to know what it was since there was nothing else on his desk. 

Just when I looked at it he came back in. I turned around and looked at him, eyes wide open. He looked confused. 

»A fight? You’re having a match?« I asked, making obvious that I saw the note. He didn’t seem mad at all. He took a deep breath and nodded. He was happy about it but tried to show it off. »Yeah. Finally, after a long time.« he answered and smiled at me. I smiled back. »That’s great... I guess. Why after a long time?« I asked, hoping that he wouldn’t mind it and answer me honestly. I never knew how far I could go with him or about personal things. »Some personal problems. Had to stop for a while because I had other things to deal with.« he was honest and remembering that made his happiness fade away. It was something that was bothering him and made him sad. Something that mattered to him. 

»I’d love to see it...« I admitted and he seemed surprised. His sadness faded away a little bit. »Really?« he asked and I nodded, smiling honestly. He seemed happy about it but he tried to show it off like always. Why didn’t he just let himself be happy? Why didn’t he like showing others that he was happy? »Yes... if that’s okay for you...« I didn’t want to invite myself and I didn’t even know if I could just go there or if only members could go and watch. »If it’s okay for me? Nah, you have to come.« he said and I blushed. I wanted to say something but we heard noises. My heart dropped to my ass when he said »Xaviar. Awful timing, little fucker.« and rolled his eyes. He didn’t care but I did because all I was wearing was his T-shirt. Nothing else beneath and my clothes probably didn’t even dry yet. I started panicking. He was going to walk in, every second and he wasn’t stupid... he was going to see us and Ezekiel wasn’t bothered at all. It made me crazy. 

»Where are my clothes?« I asked him, really fast, totally anxious. He leaned against his desk and looked at me. I was asking myself if he was trying to make me crazy. He was doing it on purpose and risking it all. This time he was really pushing it to the edge. »They’re still wet.« he said. He was so calm... way too calm. He crossed his arms in front of his chest as if he wanted to see what I was going to do about it. »Ez, please! It doesn’t matter, at least give me my underwear!« it was really awkward to say that but I had to. I had no other choice. »Afraid of getting caught, huh?« he was smirking. He really enjoyed seeing me hopeless. »Yes! Now please!« time was running and he was way too slow. He put his hands on my waist and said »I want a kiss first.«. This time I didn’t hesitate because I knew that he wasn’t going to help me. I gave him a kiss and he seemed pretty satisfied. He left the room and came back with my underwear. I would’ve been embarrassed if he wouldn’t have already seen almost my whole body naked. 

He watched me as I put it on. Even when I turned around, he didn’t take his eyes off me. I knew that telling him to close his eyes or turn around or leave the room wouldn’t work, so I just hurried as much as I could. I was about to hyperventilate and faint. 

»Okay, what do we do? I’ll go down and you’ll come down five minutes later? Or-...« he cut me off. »’What do we do?’? I ain’t gon do shit.« he was scary. He was really scary. »What do you mean you ain’t gon do s**t!« I punched his shoulder but he didn’t seem affected. »Get me out of this!« I added and he raised his eyebrows. »Just an hour ago you were moaning my name and now you want me to get you out of this?« he sounded serious. That was not how I meant it and what I wanted to say but he must’ve got it like that... »You told me that you’re not a game that I can play but there’s one thing you forgot. I’m not a game either.« it was obvious that he was pissed. He got me wrong. No. He was right. He really was. 

He gave me all I ever wanted, without me having to say it out loud. He didn’t expect much back. He was nice to me... most of the time... he made sure that I was comfortable around him and all I did was using him. I was using him for my own needs. I liked how he made me feel, how he complimented me, how he was still gentle, although he was harsh. I liked how he talked to me and how I felt around him. I liked how confident and excited I always felt around him. He gave me a feeling that I haven’t felt before and I loved it. He was always the one who made the first step. He was always the one who was doing everything.

»Go downstairs. I’ll be right behind you. I’ll handle that.« he comforted me. Again. I felt really bad. He made me feel like I was taking advantage of him and that’s probably how it was. I was too blind because I was distracted by everything that was happening lately. 

I just nodded and walked downstairs, thinking of a way to explain everything to Xaviar. 

He just walked in and looked really confused when he saw me. I tried to smile but I was slightly shaking. 

»Hey... didn’t expect to see you here.« he walked towards me, still totally confused, with furrowed eyebrows but it didn’t take him long to smile when I hugged him. »What are you wearing? Is that Ezekiel’s T-shirt?« he laughed but he was really suspicious. I barely got to answer. It took me a while to say »I wanted to cook for you and surprise you but Ezekiel came and somehow... we started playing football and I fell in the pool, trying to catch the ball...« I was sure that it was a really good lie... and that’s why I felt like vomiting. I was awful. He was still suspicious but he seemed to believe it. 

»Her clothes are in the dryer. Won’t take long. I’m sorry, didn’t meant to make her fly in the pool.« Ezekiel said, coming down the stairs. I took a deep breath because he helped me to get out of it, instead of exposing me. I wasn’t sure why but I always had the feeling that he would do it... even if I trusted him... 

»What? Don’t look at me like that. You wanted us to get along well. We played football. What more do you want?« he continued when Xaviar didn’t say a word. He rolled his eyes and smiled at me. »Alright, alright. I’m glad you did.« he said and approached me, while Ezekiel sat down in front of the tv. He didn’t mind us. It was incredible how he was able to act like nothing happened so fast. He was a great actor. 

»And I wouldn’t mind if you would keep walking around like that.« Xaviar whispered. I had to giggle. I wasn’t used to hearing something like this. He came closer and put his hands on my hips. I held my breath. He looked into my eyes, as if he was asking for allowance. He pulled me towards himself when I smiled at him. It was really cute that he was careful and that he was soft. I blushed when he kissed my nose. He made me melt for him. »We’re not alone!« I whispered back and he smiled. »Shh.« he pressed his fingers on my lips and kissed my cheek. He got closer to the corner of my lips and I got really embarrassed. I couldn’t stop smiling and he liked that but something was wrong...

I glanced over at Ezekiel... I closed my eyes and thought of him. Thought of what we’ve done and what I’ve felt. What he made me feel in general and how I felt next to Xaviar. I didn’t want to compare them. That was the worst thing I could’ve done. Xaviar was my boyfriend... Ezekiel wasn’t. Comparing them both would’ve been horrible. Not just because I was scared of the outcome... but also because of my feelings. Xaviar was my boyfriend. I chose him. He was the person I needed to give all my attention to. He was the person who I needed to think of, day and night. He was the person that deserved every second, every chance, every opportunity with me. He was the one I should’ve had my firsts with... but I let it be someone else. Thinking of that made me feel so sick that I wanted to crawl in a corner and cry and vomit at the same time. I needed to tell him the truth one day. I needed to get some guts and slap some sense to me. I needed to fix myself before we all were going to get hurt. 

I was already hurting Xaviar enough and the poor guy didn’t even know about it. I was a slut. I was disgusting but Ezekiel made me feel the opposite. He made me feel as light as a cloud. 

»Xaviar... Ezekiel is sitting right there... stop..« I said, trying to smile and sound like I was happy but the negative thoughts already hit me like a brick and I couldn’t function. I was totally paralyzed. »Okay. No need to be embarrassed.« he said, kissing my forehead. I didn’t deserve that kiss. It was a very important kiss.. a very important area... and I didn’t deserve it. Especially because I was upset about that he stopped, although I told him to. Ezekiel would’ve literally forced me to keep going and he wouldn’t have stopped. I was already comparing them. It made me want to hit my head against a wall. 

»Where have you been?« I asked, hoping he wouldn’t notice how my voice was shaking. He didn’t notice. Luckily. He sighed. It seemed like his mind was busy. »I went to see my mom.« he answered. He needed to get something off his chest. So did I but his matter was more important. »How was it... and how is she?« I was glad that we changed the subject and finally talked about something that would distract me. »She’s okay. It was... interesting.« he slowly nodded, probably still thinking of how it went. »Do you want to talk about it?« I asked and he shook his head, really fast. »Not really. Thank you. Dad is not coming home tonight... so I’m asking myself.. if you’d still like to surprise me?« I could’ve sworn that he was shy and at first I didn’t get what he meant but then I remembered my lie. »Oh, yes! I’d love to cook for you!« I quickly said, eyes wide open and rushed straight to the kitchen. He followed me and leaned on the kitchen island with his elbows. 

I grabbed some bowls, a knife, a pan and opened the fridge. He leaned his chin in his palm and watched me. It was crazy how I felt like I was home. Ezekiel made me feel really comfortable here. It was all his work. 

»You remind me of my childhood.« he said out of nowhere. I raised a brow. »I do?« I asked and he nodded. He seemed happy. I knew that there was something wrong, probably because of his mother but he tried to be positive. He seemed exhausted. »You do. You make me feel like I felt when I was a child. Innocent, good, happy...« 

I melted at his words. They really made me weak and feel even more awful. I was never going to be able to enjoy his words at its fullest because I was always going to think of what I’ve done with Ezekiel. I was always going to think of how I did these things that would disappoint him... that would break his heart. He was saying all the things that I’ve been waiting to hear for so long and I was over here, doing stupid things that didn’t even fit me. He was treating me like the guys in the movies... he's the guy that every girl wanted. And I wanted him too, right? 

»That’s exactly how you make me feel.« I smiled at him and he smiled back. He sighed, as if he was looking at his favorite piece of art in a museum. I loved him. I loved him so much and every second with him was a blessing. I needed to remind myself of that and get less distracted by other things. I needed to love him and I needed to show him that. He needed to be appreciated more. He needed more from me. I needed to give him more. 

I started cutting tomatoes and he said »I’ll go upstairs, wash my face and change my clothes. I’ll be right back. All I want tonight is to cuddle with you and talk to you.« and left. He was really exhausted. I gave my best to make something delicious for him. He needed some rest and he deserved it. 

When I heard footsteps I stopped... because I knew these weren’t Xaviar’s footsteps.