Delirium

Chain reaction

Driving to his place already seemed almost normal, although it was only the third time. The difference this time was the fact that he invited me to something like a date and going over to a guys place meant something. We were probably going to be alone because he wasn’t going to introduce me to his parents yet. It would’ve been embarrassing anyway. I didn’t want to move that far. Not yet. I still wanted to spend more time with him before all of that. I didn’t even know if he was that type of guy who introduced his girlfriends to his parents.

Of course I told mom about this so she wouldn’t worry if I would come back home later than planned. She was fine with it, although she was worried because she didn’t know him or his parents. Actually it took me a while to convince her to let me go when she found out that we were going to be alone in his house. She didn’t like the idea of us being alone, or me meeting a boy at all but she knew how important this was to me. I promised her I would take it slow so she didn’t have to worry about me being pregnant in the future or anything similar to that.

Alex made me do things that I didn’t even think of. She told me to shave because “I knew exactly what’s going to happen”, although I didn’t. I knew what she meant but I didn’t believe that it would happen and it was better like that. I knew that he wasn’t that type of guy and I wasn’t that type of girl either... but I still shaved...

We arrived and walked in.

This house seemed so much bigger without people in it. It was clean and minimalistic but most importantly really warm. The entrance was leading straight to the living room which had a fire place in one of the corners. The stairs on my left were probably leading to their rooms. We walked further in and only now I realized that the open kitchen wasn’t that far away from the living room as I thought on that night at the party. I could see that they had a conservatory... actually it was an indoor pool. That was nice. The best thing about it all was how it all seemed so classic. Not too luxurious or wealthy. It was very comfortable. 

»Would you like to drink something?« he asked and I had to smile. I had a small déjà-vu. »I’ll get whatever you get.« I answered. »Get comfortable. I’ll be right back.« he disappeared in the kitchen. I saw that he was low-key excited. Was that real? Did he like me back the way I liked him? Was that possible? How did it come that he started being interested in me? I must’ve done good in that conversation at the party. Thinking about that made me really happy. Too happy. I almost believed that there were hidden cameras and that this all was a prank or something similar to that. 

I sat down on the big white sofa. It was really soft and so clean... it must’ve been new. I had to admire it because white sofas were really risky. Especially in a house with two guys who liked to throw parties with a lot of people who could spill anything over it. 

He came back with two glasses. »Hope you like cranberry juice.« he smiled and handed me the glass. I nodded. »Of course. Thank you.« 

He sat down next to me and just watched me for a couple of seconds. That made me nervous.. every time he looked at me I felt the heat in my cheeks and my head. 

»I’ll let you choose the game.« he said and I got confused for a second because I forgot what was going on but then I remembered that we wanted to play video games. »Uhm.. I’m not really sure. You choose.« I smiled and he smirked. »Alright, look... I don’t want to sound like a jerk or something but have you ever played any video games...?« he asked. I was a little offended and couldn’t stop my jaw from dropping. »What? Of course!« I laughed. »I don’t know I just.. thought that because you’re a girl and you know...« he seemed a little embarrassed. I looked at him, eyes widened. »What does that mean? What are you trying to say? That girls don’t play video games? Or that they’re not good in it?« I was trying to hide my smile because I wanted to act mad but I couldn’t. 

He laughed and shook his head. »No, no...« it was cute how careful he was.

I nodded. »Okay. I got it. Go. Choose whatever you want. I’ll beat you.« I was really confident in that moment. Totally convinced of myself. He probably liked that. »Oh, really?« he seemed surprised but I knew he liked it. I nodded. »Challenge accepted.« he said and I knew that this was going to be good...

⚡︎

We probably played five games and I beat him in two of them. It was really heated and passionate. It felt like we’ve been friends for years and this was one of our favorite activities. I wish it would’ve been like this. I enjoyed every single moment and time passed faster than I thought it would. I lost all of my senses until we took a break and he said that he’s hungry. That made me realize how hungry I was as well. It was way more exhausting than I expected.

We ordered pizza, just like he said. Luckily it came fast. I offered to pay but he didn’t let me. That was very nice but not fair. I told him that he didn’t have to do it every time but he made me shut up really fast with just a look. 

It was already dark. We ate together and cleaned up together. It was nice with some music in the background. We talked about music and movies. 

»Seriously? They are so long and all they do is dance and sing. There’s so much drama I always forget what the movie actually is about.« that’s how he reacted when I told him that I liked Bollywood. I snorted. »That’s true but come on... it does make you emotional, right? And the actors really do be hitting different.« I said and he rolled his eyes. Even the way he rolled his eyes was incredibly hot...

»Okay, but you know what’s cool?« I asked. He shook his head. He seemed curious. He gave back the same energy and I loved it. 

»Animes.« I said and he raised a brow. »Animes?« he asked, as if he didn’t hear me. »Animes.« I repeated.

I loved Animes. They were one of my secret obsessions. Old or new didn’t matter at all but it had to be crazy. I was extremely into psychopathic animes that messed with my brain and gave sensitive people nightmares or made them feel uncomfortable in any way. Everything that had something to do with blood, psychology, nudity, awkward or s****l stuff that didn’t made any sense to most of the people was something I loved to death. Not only in anime. I always had the weirdest fantasies. Fantasies that almost made me believe that I’m sick and need some help. Fantasies that I’ve never told anybody about.

I probably did need some help because these thoughts were f****d up but that was okay because I could control them and my actions. No. I could only control my actions. I was good in hiding it all. Not even Leah or Alex knew about it. They knew I liked Animes but that’s all...

He continued. »Seriously? I’m not really into Animes but...« and that’s when my heart broke into two pieces. Two big pieces... I knew everyone had their own taste in stuff but it still made me a little sad to know that we didn’t share the same love for it. Or love at all. »...that’s cool I guess. What kind of?« he asked. This was the moment.. should I tell him the truth or not? I was really considering to tell him about what I was into.

He was going to think that I’m a freak. A huge freak with some mental health issues. It probably would’ve wracked his whole image of me. He would’ve seen my with different eyes. I was sure about that. Nobody could’ve known that I was actually a messed up freak who was the opposite of what I seemed like.

I still gave it a chance. I decided to tell him the truth. I decided to be honest to see his reaction. I wanted to know what he was thinking about all of this. Maybe he was secretly a fan of all this too and it was the same with him as it was with me. That would’ve made me believe that this all was set up and there were really hidden cameras.

»I’m totally into freaky stuff. Anything aggressive, forced, scary, dark and bloody is totally my thing. The freakier and worse the better.« I took a deep breath because it felt like a huge confession. It kinda was. I was into all this stuff but I didn’t seem like someone who was. It was all on the inside. Somehow I couldn’t show it and I didn’t think making something like this was obvious. I just enjoyed it in silence for myself. 

The way he furrowed his eyebrows showed me that he didn’t expect me to say this. I didn’t know what he was expecting but it was definitely something else and I didn’t even give him details or names. It seemed like he was trying to figure out if I was kidding or not. It actually made me feel a little bad about it. He probably expected me to say that I was into soft aesthetics... 

I saw how irritated and confused he was. I didn’t think that this was something that would actually shock him. Even a little bit. Actually I did. That’s probably why I never told anybody about it. Animes weren’t the problem. It was more than them. I enjoyed everything that I listed to him... not only when it came to Animes. My interest in receiving pleasure through pain was very high... although I’ve never lived that lifestyle. 

»Oh... really? I never... uhm, expected that. You never seemed like someone who would enjoy that kind of stuff. To me at least.« he was trying to smile to play it off nicely, in case I wasn’t kidding. I felt the heat in my cheeks.. he must’ve thought that I was a loser, although I gave him less than one percent of the huge cake. If he already thought that this was weird, I was going to make myself less attractive with telling him more about it. So I took it back. 

»God, no.« I laughed. Shortly. A little nervous. It was fake but it helped. It was too early to tell him this kind of stuff about me. »At some point, yes... but actually I’m more into stuff like.. One Piece.. you know.« 

One Piece? Seriously? 

Luckily he didn’t seem surprised anymore. At least not negatively. 

»I know tha-...« he started a sentence but couldn’t complete it because he heard noises. I heard them too. Someone came through the front door. We heard laughter. It was more than one person. For a second I thought his parents came back home and almost got a heart attack because I wasn’t ready for it but it was someone else... two males. 

»Must be my brother.« he said and took a step towards the door but stopped because his brother already walked in. Ezekiel. With a friend. They were playing with a football, throwing it across the room, trying to catch it and didn’t even notice us. 

Suddenly I didn’t know how to act. For some reason I got a little nervous. I was just standing there but it turned into something like the way you forget to walk when you think about the fact that you’re actually walking. 

We watched them both run further in the house, as if they were already football professionals. They were enjoying it. Was kind of cute. They rushed past us.

»Ez!« Xaviar tried to make them notice us. They probably already did but didn’t care. »Hah! p***y! Start catching footballs instead of cases!« Ezekiel said and threw the football right towards his friend but missed him. It flew past him, right into my direction and before I could react or step aside, it hit my head. My temple. Luckily not my face because that probably would’ve ripped my face apart. I always loved to exaggerate but this one probably would’ve really made me go blind or broken my nose.

I gasped because somehow I lost my ability to scream in that moment. All I could do was feel the pain in my head and the blood that rushed straight to my ears. I put my hand on my temple and tried to take a deep breath. It was an awful pain that I couldn’t describe. I never thought something like this could hurt this much. I was close to fainting.

I heard how Ezekiel inhaled sharply and said »Ou.« as if he just saw something unbelievable. I wasn’t sure if he was bothered at all but I couldn’t concentrate on that. My chin started shaking but I didn’t want to cry because of something stupid and simple like this. I could take this pain. »Shit!« his friend snorted and tried to not burst out in laughter. That made me kinda angry but I couldn’t be mad about it because I probably would’ve done the same if I would’ve been in his position. It was just a little embarrassing. 

»Valentina, are you okay?« Xaviar seemed to be really worried. He was probably the only one. He gently grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand away from my head. I looked up, right into his eyes and tried to focus on him. It got harder to concentrate when he slid his thumb over my temple and cupped my face with his other hand. 

I forgot about the pain. The way he looked at me made me forget about the pain, his brother and his stupid friend. He was so close to me... only inches away from my face... and he was so worried. I was about to melt away. My heart was beating way too fast. 

It took me way too long to answer. I was way too distracted by his eyes... by his lips. Everything about him distracted me. I wanted this moment to stay but the pain came back.

»Oh. I’m okay... I think. It hurts a lot... but it’s okay.« I nodded but that made the pain even worse. »I’ll get you some ice. Maybe it’ll help. Wait here.« he was genuinely worried. It was lovely but I didn’t miss the death stare that he gave his older brother. For some reason the other guy followed Xaviar and I was left alone with the big meanie. It was the most awkward moment in my life. I didn’t want to look at him but I knew that he was looking at me and acting like he wasn’t there would’ve made everything worse.

How was I supposed to act? Smile at him? Give him a death stare? Yell at him? Act like everything was okay and normal? It was already awkward enough and I was nervous. Being around him gave me a weird feeling that I couldn’t explain. It was overwhelming and made me feel uncomfortable. Especially when I knew that he was staring at me. Why was he able to make me feel that? It bothered me and I didn’t want to let this awkward silence take over so I stared back at him. 

Right into his eyes. 

He took a step towards me and put his hands in the pockets of his black bomber jacket. He clearly tried his best to not smirk. I hated how unbothered he was. If I would’ve been him I already would’ve checked on me a hundred times and apologized two hundred times. 

He walked towards me and scratched his chin. »I’m sorry.« he said. At least he did apologize. I didn’t want to start an argument or tell him to be more careful next time or anything similar to that. I didn’t want to talk to him at all but I didn’t want to be disrespectful either. 

»It’s okay.« I kept it short. I looked away because the closer he got the harder it was to focus on his eyes. 

»Really? I didn’t mean to... you know.« I looked at him again when he said that and this time he couldn’t hide his smirk. I wasn’t mad at him. I didn’t care at all. Maybe a little bit.

I still felt the pain. That was all I wanted to concentrate on but I couldn’t because he approached me and that made me even more nervous. I held my breath and looked at him when he actually came closer and said »Let me look.«

My heart made a flip when his hand got closer to my face. The thought of him touching me seemed like jumping off a cliff in that moment. That thought was about to get real. I backed off. It was a reflex. Why did I start breathing faster? Was it because his hands were so big? Or because he was who he was? 

»Wow. Really? I’m not going to hurt you.« 

Why couldn’t I believe him?

»Hard to believe.« I responded. He was grinning. It didn’t seem to bother him. It was awkward to watch him being calm and careful when I remembered how he was earlier and at the party last time. 

Another attempt to touch my temple. 

This time I didn’t move. I didn’t push him away or backed off. I just looked at him.. at his hand.. into his eyes... and tried to breathe normally. This was going to be a normal situation. Nothing special. No big deal. A simple check on my temple because of a tiny damage he caused..

I got powerful goosebumps when his thumb touched my temple and his other fingers got lost between my hair. I closed my eyes. Another reflex. I almost gasped but held it in. His fingers were warm and soft. His touch was soft... he slid his thumb up and down my temple a few times. It was like I felt his touch all over my body. My eyes almost rolled back.

»You don’t even need ice. Is it still hurting?« 

I opened my eyes when his hand wasn’t close to my face anymore.

I was wrong. He did care. And I let myself go for a damn second that felt like a whole hour. What the hell was that? Why did I react like that? Why did my body react like that? I needed to get myself back together. This wasn’t normal. I was glad that he was the one who let go first.

I quickly shook my head and answered »Uhm.. no. Yes. Maybe a little bit. It’s okay.« I looked away because his eyes were hypnotizing me and I couldn’t stand that. I couldn't stand the way it made me feel. 

»Here.« Xaviar came back with the ice. I didn’t look at him either. He asked me if I was okay and I told him that everything was fine. I couldn’t help but glance at Ezekiel one last time. He pressured his lips and took a step backwards before he disappeared out of my sight within a few seconds...