Delirium

I could get used to this

The next day at school was very interesting. The girls were getting inpatient because I still didn’t tell them what happened. I couldn’t tell them on the ride back home because I would’ve needed more time than a ten minute ride and I was too excited. Actually I was daydreaming about him. I thought about the whole conversation and other conversations and things I wished we would have. 

That conversation was so inspiring and so interesting that it made me think of getting a wedding dress. I was moving way too fast with my thoughts but I couldn’t control them. They were faster than me. 

»Are you going to tell us what the hell you both talked about for so long?« Alex put both of her hands on the lunch table and leaned in. Leah opened her bag with sliced apples and offered us some. I shook my head and thanked her. Alex took one. They both kept looking at me, waiting for answers. 

I felt the heat in my cheeks and took a deep breath. 

»We talked about his brother.. outfits.. school, social media, food and stuff like that..« I quietly said and shrugged. I tried to hide my excitement and I was afraid that somebody could hear it. As if it was the biggest secret on this planet. As if we had a special thing. 

Leah furrowed her eyebrows. »And..?« she knew that there was more. I tried to hide my smile but couldn’t. I quietly screamed and they joined me, although they didn’t even know what was going on. 

I took a deep breath and put my hands on my cheeks. »We’re hanging out after school.« I said and Alex screamed like I said something really scary. »Sshhh!« Leah covered Alex’ mouth with her hand.

Seeing how amazed they were by that and how happy they were for me was heartwarming. I was grateful for having them. 

»How fast! How did it-... how did you-...« Leah couldn’t continue any of her sentences while Alex gave me a seducing look. The heat in my cheeks was about to make my whole face burn. »I don’t know! We were vibing so well together, I couldn’t believe it either. He asked if I want to hang out with him after school, go eat something and stuff.« I had to giggle. »And stuff?! Damn you both must’ve been vibing very very well.« 

I knew very well what Alex meant but I shook my head. »Noo... I don’t think he’s that kind of person and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. I want to take it slow.« I said and Leah nodded. She gave me a high-five. »Yes! That’s my bestie! That “stuff” before marriage is haram anyway.« I laughed. She winked at me and handed me the last slice of her apple.

⚡︎

He was already waiting for me in front of his red mustang. I waved at him and smiled. The butterflies in my stomach were back. I tried to act natural. Totally normal. I didn’t want him to know how nervous I was or that I was one of the silly, clumsy girls who had a crush on him. It was real love. I was more than being interested in him and he was more than perfect. I didn’t want to jump into conclusions too fast or hope for things that were never going to happen but it seemed like he liked me too. At least a little bit. Otherwise he wouldn’t have asked me to hang out. 

»Are you hungry?« he asked when I reached him. I had to be totally honest with him because I was hungry and I didn’t want my stomach to make awkward noises during any possible cute moments that could’ve happened. 

»Yes!« I nodded and let my head fall back, as if I’ve been waiting years for him to ask me this. He laughed and turned to his side of the car. »Let’s go.« 

I never thought that sitting in a car with him was going to make me feel this special.  Actually it was something simple and normal... well.. maybe for other girls.. but sitting this close to him in a small place made me nervous. I didn’t want this ride to end. I wanted to save every detail of this moment in my brain and my heart. 

The grip of his hands around the wheel, how he was smelling, his floppy hair in the wind, how his chest went up and down, the veins on his hands.. especially the veins on his hands. I couldn’t keep my holy thoughts in place. I wished he would’ve grabbed me by my neck without any warning. I wouldn’t have said a word if he would’ve left me breathless. 

His taste in music wasn’t my type but that was okay. Some diversity and some deviation from my imaginations and expectations was okay. I couldn’t expect him to be the person in my imaginations when I was just about to get to know him. The fact that he wanted to get to know me too was incredible. I thought a crush liking you back was something that was not existing on this planet but it seemed like the universe gave me a chance. I wasn’t going to waste it.

We talked about how our day and the classes went and I realized once again how easy talking to him was. It didn’t make me feel like I was talking to my crush. It was more like talking to a really good friend. He made it really easy. I loved him more for being so real and humble. There was no bragging, no trying to be mysterious, no fake coolness. He was just himself. 

We arrived at Five Guys and got our food. We didn’t want to make it boring but we also didn’t know were else to go so we sat on the trunk of his car. This seemed so normal.. as if we’ve already done it a hundred times. 

»So after “meeting” your brother you said something about your dad being black at the party because you thought I was confused about your skin color?« I asked and took a sip of my coke. He swallowed the piece of burger he had in his mouth and nodded. »Yeah. Most people think I’m adopted or something because he got all the melanin. I can’t complain about being the Italian prototype. Not tryna offend anybody.« he shrugged and laughed. I had to laugh too. »That’s interesting but... Italian?« I raised a brow. »My mom is Italian.« he answered and took my breath away. A mixed perfection. This made him even more interesting and sympathetic. 

»That’s cool! My mom is from South Africa. I got all this hair from her.« I shook my head and ate one of my fries. »Your hair is really beautiful. I like it.« 

I slowed down for a second. This was the first compliment he gave me. Knowing that he liked my hair made me blush.. a lot. I tried to hide my smile but I didn’t know if it worked and I didn’t want to look like Monse from On My Block while crying so I just smiled at him. 

I wanted to give him a compliment too or tell him how much I liked his hair too but he asked me something that I couldn’t answer. 

»What about your dad? Where’s he from?« 

I froze for a second 

I don’t have daddy issues, I don’t have daddy issues, I don’t have daddy issues, I do not have f*****g daddy issues.

»My dad...« I laughed. »... he’s the type of guy that leaves to get milk but never comes back. He’s probably from a place that has a lot of assholes.« 

I looked away. I wasn’t embarrassed. I just didn’t like the bad energy that mentioning him brought with it. The bad energy that I made worse but I couldn’t handle the anger that came with it. I couldn’t hide it. It brought out the worst of me, although it wasn’t as dramatic as it should’ve been. 

»At least he said that he’s not coming back.« I shrugged and kept eating, as if nothing happened. I didn’t want an awkward silence. He also didn’t need to feel pity for me. 

»I’m sorry. I didn’t know about that...« he sounded like he was genuinely caring but I didn’t want to use this to get closer to him because of all the emotions that this brought up. »It’s totally fine. It’s been five years. All good.« I said and gave him a honest smile to let him know that it was really alright.

He looked like he wanted to say something but his phone rang and I wasn’t sure if I should be upset about it or not because on one hand I wanted to know what he wanted to say but on the other hand I didn’t want this moment to be even more awkward than it already was.

»Excuse me.« he said and answered the call. 

I kept eating and tried to be as quiet as possible to not bother him. 

»I-.. what? When?« he asked. I finished my coke and put it aside.

»What are you talking about. Ez, I really can’t right-.« he responded after a few seconds. I ate my last fry. 

»Fuck, okay. I’m coming, I’m coming, chill!« he sounded really stressed. I got off his trunk to throw the trash away. He sighed and looked at me. I already knew what was about to come but that was okay. I was a little sad about it but I was grateful for the time we got to spend together. 

»Valentina... I’m sorry but my brother has a problem and I need to go home right now. Is it okay if I take you with me? I promise I’ll drop you off after that.« he was more stressed than I thought. His voice changed and he was breathing way faster than before answering the call. He made me worry about it. I’ve never seen him like this in all these months that I watched him. Making this hard or complicated for him would’ve been pointless.

»Of course, don’t worry, it’s all good.« I said and we got in his car without wasting a second. 

The ride was way more silent than the one earlier. I saw the question marks above his head. He was somewhere else with his head. I wished I could’ve helped him and I wanted to ask him what it was about but I didn’t want to be too curious. Interfering in things that weren’t my business wasn’t my style. We weren’t that far yet. I also hoped that his brother was okay. What kind of problems could he have had? And why were these problems concerning Xaviar? I hoped it was nothing too bad.

We arrived. »I’ll be right back. Please stay here, it won’t take long.« he said before he got off the car really fast. It seemed like his hands were shaking. 

I did what he said and stayed in the car but I watched him. I saw how he walked in and I saw his brother already waiting inside.. the huge windows gave me a great sight. I didn’t want to spy on them but I was worried.. and curious of course. I wanted to know more about him and now I had the chance. He could’ve dropped me off before coming here but it seemed like it was so important that he couldn’t even waste a second.

I hoped it was going to be okay. 

I couldn’t see their facial expressions clearly from here but it seemed like his brother was really angry. He was way taller than Xaviar. He looked down at him.. was he going to hit him? Were they going to fight? I could see them both making gestures with their hands while talking. 

I sighed. 

I leaned back and looked away because watching them didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to see anything that I didn’t have to see. It even felt wrong to be here while he had to deal with something. 

I just kept waiting until he came back ten minutes later. He just sat there and didn’t say a word. He didn’t move. He just stared at the wheel with his eyebrows furrowed and kept breathing. He didn’t have any bruises... so it went better than I hoped. I didn’t know if I should ask him anything or just stay quiet. I even tried to not look at him, in case it would make him feel uncomfortable, until he took a deep breath and said »Sorry... it took longer than I thought. I’ll take you home now.« he started the engine. »Is everything alright?« I carefully asked. »He’s making things hard for me sometimes but it’s okay. Everything’s alright.« he sighed and started driving. I didn’t want to ask him more about it but I was asking myself what he meant when he said that his brother is making things hard for him.

If Xaviar wouldn’t have told me that his brother actually did have a heart, I would’ve believed that he was a typical rude guy. That’s what he seemed like when I bumped into him. Actually that’s not true at all. He seemed like he had no soul. 

He stopped in front of our house and looked at me. I didn’t know what to say but it seemed like he did. 

He turned around to me a little bit more so he could face me better. My grip around my bag that was on my lap tightened. »I’m really sorry about this all. I can’t call this hanging out. I wish we could keep going but I really need to handle this. Please let me make it up to you one day.« 

I didn’t expect him to say that. I didn’t know what I expected but that’s not what it was. He wanted to spend more time with me and not end it here. He was so kind and he kept apologizing for something that wasn’t even his fault. He didn’t even do anything bad and wanted to make it up. 

»Don’t be sorry. We had burgers and fries together. I enjoyed it. It’s alright but... I can’t wait for you to make it up.« I smiled and tried to comfort him. He let his head fall back and smiled. The view I had in that moment left me breathless... I loved it and I was about to melt. How was it possible that one single person could make another human being feel this way? With just a look? 

You are so adorable...

»How about... pizza and video games at my place? Tomorrow after school?« he asked and my heart skipped a beat. Tomorrow.. was I going to meet him every day? Was it going to be this easy? Did he really want to do these kind of things with me? Pizza and videos games.. little activities that created huge moments and incredible memories. Was this going to be something like our second date? That’s what it felt like. Was the universe playing me or why did everything work out so well? 

»I could get used to this...« 

I quietly said. I said what I thought. I couldn’t stop myself. 

»You should..« he said, also quietly. He looked straight into my eyes. Straight into my heart... I couldn’t believe what he said. He wanted this. He wanted this all. I wasn’t hallucinating. I wasn’t the only one who wanted this. 

»Alright.. I’ll.. go now. Thank you very much.« I smiled. »No need to thank me. Thank you for giving me such good vibes.« 

Vibes. That’s what it was. One wave.

I wanted to get off the car but I didn’t want to without doing something. He thought the same. It was obvious from the way he moved. Just leaving didn’t seem right anyway. Should I have given him a high-five? Gang signs? A hug? Yeah. A hug. That’s what we went for. 

We both leaned in and he wrapped his arm around my neck... I put one of my hand on his arm and the other hand on his back. I wanted to hold myself back but couldn’t, so I buried my face in his neck. He was smelling so good and his hug felt like coming home after a long time on the road. I enjoyed every second and I never wanted to let him go. I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long... it finally happened and it was so easy.. I didn’t take it for granted. None of it. 

I got off the car and opened our door. He waited until I walked in and waved at him. What an incredibly sweet moment.. he waved back and drove away. I had to hold my scream in because I didn’t want any attention from my mom or Graham. I was the happiest person alive but I couldn’t keep it myself. I had to share this happiness and luck with the girls but first I had to do something. 

»Mom!« I shouted and waited for her to react. »I’m here!« it came from her bedroom. I walked in. She was folding some laundry on her bed. »Where have you been? How was your day?« she asked and I sat down next to her. I helped her without her asking me or telling me to. »I was hanging out with a friend. It was good.« I couldn’t hide my smile so I looked down at the shirt in my hand because it was from Graham and that made me smile disappear pretty fast. 

»I’m glad to hear that. What friend?« she asked and I bit my lip because my smile came back and I didn’t want to make it too obvious or act too girly. She put the socks in her hands to the side and looked at me. »Oh. Girl! Was it Xaviar? Damn it was, right?« she said. She was so loud and happy that I had to make her shut up. »Yes, it was him!« I said and laughed. I couldn’t stop smiling when I saw how her eyes were shining. I missed that.. I missed my old mom. The freaky, funny, loud, chilled, woman.. thinking of that made me sad for a moment. 

»Ohw god, you gotta tell me everything!« she said and I planned on telling her everything but my phone rang. It was Alex. Perfect timing. »Later, gotta answer this one.« I stood up and she wanted to stop me but I moved too fast. »Between, thanks for encouraging me to go to the party! Love you!« I blew a kiss at her and left the room. 

She was the reason for this all. It only happened because she wanted me to go there. I loved her for making me do it because that’s how it all started.