Delirium

A cold blade

Of course I expected to see Ezekiel when I turned around. My heart started beating faster when I saw him and how he looked at me with his slightly furrowed eyebrows. »Do you want something?« I hesitated to ask but he looked like he was waiting for something and it was making me nervous when he looked at me like that. »Yes.« he answered and I was ready to help him out but when he added »You.« I got totally confused. It actually shocked me. How honest he was.

Earlier he made me believe that he was mad at me... he still seemed mad but not at me. »Huh?« it escaped my mouth. He sighed, a little bit annoyed and walked around the counter, right towards me. I wished I would’ve known what he was up to or what he was thinking. 

»Here you are, in my clothes, cooking for my brother and still rejecting him.« his brutal honesty was killing me. He loved to slap me with the truth. He didn’t care about how I was going to feel about it because he was real. He was the truth. »Rejecting him?« I asked cleaning my hands with a towel. I really wanted to know what he meant with that. There was something he wanted to say and I wanted to know what. 

That was the perfect opportunity for him to grab the knife with one hand and my neck with his other hand. He pushed me against the kitchen counter and held the knife to my throat. The wet blade felt really cold on my warm skin and it gave me goosebumps. I was shocked to witness something like this and it actually scared me to the core. Something like this has never happened to me. Nobody has ever held a knife to my throat. I didn’t know what his purpose was and I didn’t even want to know. I wanted him to stop. He was actually going to kill me. 

I almost screamed when the point of the knife was digging into my skin but he warned me with his eyes, so all I could do was whining.. He didn’t hesitate to hurt me. I knew that he could go far but I didn’t think that he could go this far. That he would actually hurt me. I barely got to say something. My hands were shaking. The way he was looking at me already scared me enough but the knife scared me even more. He was horrible. He was terrifying. He was ready to do anything, any second. I thought I was stupid but I was even more stupid than that, to trust someone like him. Once I already thought that he could be a psychopath and he didn’t prove me wrong...

»He kisses you but you don’t want him to, he comes closer but you can’t take it, he tells you how you make him feel but it triggers you... why?« he was talking through his teeth. His tight grip almost hurt more than the knife that kept digging itself in my skin. He was crazy. I thought of screaming for Xaviar but he probably would’ve killed me. I should’ve asked Xaviar if Ezekiel had any issues. I should’ve known. 

»Because of me. You’ll think of me every time he kisses you, every time he touches you, looks at you, speaks to you. You’ll think of me. It’ll never change. You’ll always think of me.« he continued. I couldn’t tell if he was mad about it or not. Actually I couldn’t tell what he was doing and what he wanted at all. Was he mad because it was the truth or was he enjoying it. If he would’ve been mad, it probably would’ve looked worse. If he would’ve been mad about it, he wouldn’t have touched me in first place because he wouldn’t do it to his brother... but there was something else and I wanted to know what. I was dying to find out but I was in pain. 

»Ez, you’re hurting me...« I said, whining and whimpering. My eyes started burning. I could feel the blood dripping down on me... my head was spinning. It was a disgusting feeling. My knees were getting weak. 

»Good... you’re not even embarrassed of doing this in front of me, right? All you think of is me and how much you want me, yet you’re still lying to him, every... single... day...« he pushed the knife a little more and tears started rolling down my face. »You would spread your legs for me but can’t look into Xaviar’s eyes. Don’t you realize... that you’re a cheating... filthy whore...« 

Ding ding ding...

His words hurt more than the knife or his grip. He wanted to make me feel bad... feel guilty and disgusted and he succeeded... I was tired of his mood swings. He didn’t know how he was damaging me. It was my fault in first place but he was hurting me on another level. He was toxic and this needed to happen so I would finally realize it. He was telling me the truth right into my face, like nobody else did it. 

I wanted to push him away, I wanted to say something, tell him that he couldn’t blame me for everything but he had a knife and I was bleeding. He wasn’t scared to use it. I was too scared and too hurt. 

I thought of just pushing his hand away or moving away but then he added »...and I love it.«. I was breathing heavily but with this sentence I stopped breathing. I held it and looked into his eyes. His eyes were blank. I couldn’t find anything in them. No emotion, no anger, no fear, no passion... it was all gone... or I was too dizzy to see it. 

»I love how you get weak for me, every damn time. I love how strong you are, how you keep doing it, although you feel bad. I love how you don’t disappoint me and how desperate you are for me. I love how you are only mine and nobody knows about it.« 

My head was aching. What was he trying to do? First he insulted me and made me feel bad and now he was making me compliments and speaking softly. He was comforting me. He definitely had issues and it scared me. I couldn’t tell if he really meant it. I really didn’t know what was right and what was wrong. He was irritating me.

»Ah! Ez... you’re hurting me, please stop...« I begged but he kept going. Where was Xaviar? What as taking him so long? How was I going to explain this to him? How was Ezekiel going to explain this to him? He was literally stabbing me, slowly. I wished I would’ve known what he wanted from me. 

»I can’t, because you make me go crazy.« he said and let me go. I took deep and long breaths when he backed off. The cut was deep and the blood already reached my chest. It made me feel sick. I wanted to vomit to get rid of this feeling and I was too afraid to touch the wound. I was too afraid and dizzy to move... but then he came closer. I wanted to stop him but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even let it all sink so fast. 

He did something unexpected again, like always, but this time it showed me what kind of person he really was. It completed the imagine that I created of him in my head. It completed it. 

He stroke my head and put his free hand on my cheek. Then he tilted his head and slowly got closer. I thought he was going to kiss me but he went deeper. He licked the blood from my skin and I flinched when he sucked on the open wound. I was burning like hell. I froze. I couldn’t move while he was in that state of mind. He could’ve done anything. I’ve never been so scared... and so aroused at the same time... he shocked me so much that I got my feelings mixed up... but there was one feeling that I was sure about. I felt sick. 

I turned around and vomited right in the sink. He had the audacity to come close and hold my hair up. My arms where shaking. I could barely hold on the edge of the kitchen counter. My eyes were watering and my throat was burning. I spit the rest out and started crying. I didn’t look up but he was still holding my hair while my tears got mixed with the vomit in the sink. He turned the faucet on and let it all wash away. Then he wiped my mouth with his hand and washed it. He was taking care of me. As he should, after hurting me. My whole body was trembling and I felt awful. 

Ezekiel didn’t say a word until Xaviar came back. He had my clothes in his hand. »They’re already dry and still very warm-... what happened?« he panicked when he saw us. He also saw the blood and my position. I tried to get myself together but it was really hard. I had a panic attack and I was in pain. 

»Somehow she cut herself, probably swung the knife a little too fast and had to vomit. She didn’t even scream but it looks like it hurt a lot...« Ezekiel explained. His voice and his facial expression made me drop my jaw. How was he so good at lying? Why was he doing that? He lied straight to his face... he was hiding the truth when it was right in front of their eyes. He was merciless and cold. I could’ve told Xaviar everything. I could’ve told him what a psychopath his brother was and that he was the one who did this to me but I couldn’t because of several reasons that were stronger than the pain but my revenge was going to be worse. My boiling blood almost made me punch him but I held myself back. He still had the nerve to look into my eyes. I wanted to kill him. 

»Fuck, how?« Xaviar was extremely worried but all I could concentrate on was the asshole in front of me. I hated him but I also didn’t. Looking at him made me realize that. I hated him but somehow I wasn’t as mad as I wished. If I would’ve been as mad as I should’ve been... he wouldn’t be alive anymore. He wouldn’t have been able to hurt me in first place but I let him do it... probably because I wanted to know what it felt like, because I wanted to know what he was going to do, how it was going to be. I found out and I didn’t even open my mouth and tell Xaviar the truth. 

»Get the first aid kit!« Ezekiel said, acting worried. I could barely swallow. I felt like I was drowning in a deep sea that I was never going to get out of. That sea was like a black hole that almost made me disappear in it. Ezekiel was that black hole and I knew it. 

Xaviar put my clothes on the kitchen counter and ran back upstairs. Ezekiel took the opportunity to wipe my tears away with his thumbs and hug me. He hugged me really tightly and put his hand on my head, trying to comfort me. 

»Sshh baby, it’s going to be fine..« he whispered, holding me tightly, very close to him. Only then I realized how fast I was breathing. I was weak to my knees. I felt it because I was getting softer with every second... or I was just tired and his body was very soft and warm? I felt like laying down on the ground and sleeping for the next few days. What happened within these seconds? Didn’t I want to rip his head off, just a minute ago? I did.... but his touch was making me forget about it all. It made me calm down... even if he was the one who hurt me. He was the only cure.

I leaned my head on his chest and closed my eyes for a few seconds until I wasn’t shaking so much anymore. He stroke my head and kissed it. The comfort it gave me was extreme... the comfort he came me was unbelievable.

He slowly backed off when Xaviar came back. 

»Sorry, took me a while to find it. How are you? Does it hurt too much?« he was still genuinely worried. I could see how anxious he was and the sadness in his eyes. He approached me and looked at the wound. I realized that I forgot to answer him. »It hurts...« I replied, quietly. My voice was weak. »We’ll handle that.. don’t worry. I’ll make sure it doesn’t hurt anymore..« he said, already starting to take care of the wound. I flinched a few times. »It’s clean tho. You didn’t lose much blood.« he said and I glanced over at Ezekiel, who just smirked. 

‘Yeah because your brother just licked it clean.’ I wanted to say but I couldn’t. 

»Please sit down, I’ll handle the food.« he said and I got lost for a second ago. It took me a while to let it all sink because it felt like my mind was playing with me. Now I was sure that they both weren’t planning this. They weren’t playing with me or testing me. Nobody could’ve been that bad to accept something like this. Xaviar’s reaction showed me what it meant to him and if he would’ve known about it, it would’ve looked differently. There was no need to be paranoid. Ezekiel was the only reason to be paranoid. He was the only person who made me feel paranoid, crazy and weak. 

I felt really dizzy so I did what he said and walked towards the big sofa... »Don’t worry about her... it’ll be fine.« Ezekiel said and followed me. I didn’t want to hear his voice... I did. No. I didn’t. I wanted to be mad at him. I wanted to hate him and tell him to get the hell away from me. I wanted him to keep his distance. Even on the sofa. I sat right across from him, far away, in the other corner. I didn’t look at him but he was all I could think of. What he did was all I could think of.

He stood up and one side of me was glad that he was gone while the other side wanted him to come back as fast as possible because it felt better with him around... 

He came back with a glass of water. I barely looked at him until he handed it to me... he stroke my hand with his thumb while he gave it to me. He took every opportunity. Then he glanced over at Xaviar and when he was sure that he wasn’t looking, he bent down and kissed my hand, quickly, yet passionately. I looked at him, unable to believe him and what he was doing. He was confusing me and getting my feelings all mixed up. I wanted it to stop. I wanted this mixed feeling to disappear. I wanted to understand what I wanted and how I was feeling. 

He sat back down across from me and kept looking at me. I felt sick again. I wanted to drink the water he gave me water but I couldn’t drink. I was sure that it wouldn’t go down my throat but I gave it a try. He watched me the whole time and I felt so uncomfortable, knowing that Xaviar was standing in the kitchen and cooking for me while his brother was watching me after cutting a line in my skin. I was totally done and he saw that. I needed to get out of this situation. 

My thoughts kept me so busy that I didn’t even notice that Xaviar was already done and wanted to hand me a plate of the mashed potatoes and salad. I looked up at him, eyes widened, as if he held a knife in front of me instead of food but then I took it and thanked him. He sat down next to me with his plate. Ezekiel already started eating. I wasn’t sure for how long I’ve gone off in my thoughts. I was tired. 

»How do you feel?« Xaviar asked. His voice was so quiet... as if he was scared of asking me that because I was too fragile. It felt like I had a huge accident and almost died but that’s not how it was. It was the opposite... it did something else to me. 

»I’m okay. It was just a little accident.« I responded, knowing that Ezekiel looked at me right after I said it but I didn’t have the guts to look back at him. Especially after how Xaviar was looking at me. His look made me notice how close we have gotten in a short time and that he was a really good friend to me. He was so nice. He was so positive and lovely. All I was was a horrible cheater. It was eating me from the inside but I wanted it. If I wouldn’t have wanted it, I wouldn’t have done it in first place and that made it even worse. It made me even worse. I wished I would’ve had the strength to just stop and tell him that it wasn’t right. We both already knew that but we couldn’t stop. It felt good and I liked it and I couldn’t deny that. 

Even that cut. Even the wound that he gave me… he made me wish for it to be permanent. He made me want to have even more scars of him. He made me want him to slice me into pieces. I wished I would’ve known what he was doing to me and what this feeling was, what this all was because my brain didn’t function when it came to him. I never wanted someone to stab me. It was psychotic behavior and it scared me. It triggered me so much that I was about to lose all my patience and control. It wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t cool or freaky, it was dangerous... but when he licked my blood and sucked on the wound... I got goosebumps all over my body and I wanted him to keep going. I wanted more and I wanted to look into his eyes while he was doing that. It was a feeling that made me feel so guilty, yet so pleased because I’ve always imagined these kind of things to happen to me with a certain person and he made all these dreams and thoughts come true.

He made even my worst nightmares come true.