Delirium

Dinner in heaven

I was on FaceTime with the girls while I was getting ready for the dinner that Xaviar’s dad invited me to. He said that he would cook for us and I was really excited. It seemed like his dad already liked me but I didn’t want to embarrass Xaviar, although he didn’t seem to care about these kind of things.

I told them about what happened between him and I. How we made out for the first time and how long it took. I told them every detail and they listened and watched like I was telling them the most interesting story of their lives. 

»Looks like V is going to be first of us to lose her v card.« Alex kept hyping me up during the whole thing. She was enjoying it. Leah supported me, although she wasn’t really amazed by it. »She will, if Xaviar hurries with his proposal.« Leah said. I laughed but the thought of it was really cute. »I’m not sure if he’s the type to propose. He’d probably say “yo, wanna get married?”« Alex tried imitating his voice but failed miserably. »No! He’s totally romantic.« I protected him and applied my red lipstick in the mirror in front of me. I was in the bathroom. 

»I think so too. I feel like he’s the beach type of guy who would put candles in the sand and take advantage of the sunset.« Leah added and I tried to imagine it but I couldn’t. 

My mom knocked on the door. 

»Valentina!« she shouted my name. 

»I gotta go. I’ll call you later and tell you how it went.« I hung up and unlocked the door. She looked at me from head to toes and smiled. »Wow! You look stunning! A little too stunning, young lady. I swear if his father starts creeping on you-..« I cut her off immediately. »Oh my god, mom! Thank you but he’s not! He’s really cool! Don’t worry about it.« 

She was worried because I was wearing a short baby blue dress. The red lipstick fit the dress surprisingly well. I put my hair in a ponytail and wore my favorite sneakers.

»Just saying, honey. Being this pretty can be dangerous. Now hurry, don’t be late.« she said making me get out of the bathroom. I grabbed my phone and got my purse from my room. 

»Be safe and be home by eleven!« she said and kissed my forehead. I smiled and hugged her. »I will. Thank you.« I said and she opened the door for me. »Be safe!« I heard Graham shout from the living room but I acted like I didn’t hear him.

I arrived and saw that Xaviar was already waiting for me. I greeted him like always and we entered. Although I’ve already met his dad, I was nervous because sitting around a table with him and having enough time to talk about things in detail was pretty exciting. I really hoped that he liked me. I forgot to ask Xaviar if he said anything about me after he met me. What he thought of me was really important for me and our future.

I saw that Ezekiel was leaning against the wall near the pool, talking to someone on his phone. He noticed me. Actually he looked right into my eyes but he didn’t move. He just kept talking. No nodding, no waving, nothing. As if I wasn’t there. That didn’t bother me anymore because I finally seemed to understand how it all worked for him. He was only using his chance when we were alone and when we weren’t, he was acting like we never really talked to each other. That was okay. It was good like that but one thing that wasn’t good was how I was dying to find out who he was talking to in a silent corner. Just like yesterday before he disappeared. He was probably talking to the girl he slept with. They probably didn’t get enough of each other. I was asking myself if he was going to see her again, maybe after the dinner or if he already met her before I came. 

Actually this all was totally f****d up. He was talking to other girls. Not only that. He was f*****g other girls and he was trying to do the same with me. He gave me a taste of what it would be like to be with him because he knew exactly what I liked. He enjoyed playing with me. He wanted my body, not me. I needed to realize that. I needed to realize that I was nothing to him. I was just a body and he had many of these bodies. He made me feel good with compliments and showing me that he wanted me but I was never going to be the only one or the one who he enjoyed being with. I was f*****g stupid for letting him do it with me. It wasn’t his fault. He tried and I let him. He kept going when he saw that I was ready for it. I would’ve done the same if I would’ve been him. I would’ve taken every opportunity that every little weak girl gave me. I would’ve used my charm and confidence too. 

That moment just was a huge reality check for me. He loved to play but I didn’t and I was going to end it right there. He wasn’t even going to notice. 

Their dad was already in the kitchen. He was making lasagna. »Is there anything we can help you with?« I asked after greeting him but he seemed like he enjoyed working on it by his own. He gave me a smile and said »You both could set the table. That would be enough help.« he answered and I nodded. He was totally concentrating on his work. 

»Seems like he loves cooking.« I said to Xaviar when we brought the stuff to the dining table in the room next door. »He does. He should be a cook instead of an architect. He’s pretty good at it.« he said and I had to smile. 

When I placed a plate on each place I noticed something. »Uhm... is your mom joining us?« I hesitated to ask but I had to and at the end of the day he had to talk about it anyway. I didn’t want to pressure him or go too far but I always felt like he wanted to talk but couldn’t or had nobody that he could express his feelings to. 

He stopped for a second and slightly furrowed his eyebrows. He got distracted. »No.« he answered shortly and quietly. He was sad. That broke my heart. I wanted to know why and I wanted to be there for him. He didn’t need to tell me, keeping it to himself was his right but talking could’ve helped.  »Is everything okay?« I asked, hoping he would answer honestly. He rubbed his forehead. He was stressed. Then he took a deep breath and cleaned his throat. »She probably won’t join us ever again.« he answered and I gasped. »No, she’s good, she’s alive!« he quickly said and I felt a little bit relieved but not satisfied yet. I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t going to join them ever again. Was he trying to tell me that she wasn’t going to come home? 

»She’s just... a lot happened between her and my dad..« he added and confused me. His dad didn’t seem like there was such a problem. I didn’t know him that well but he seemed like a really happy man. I could’ve made a hundred theories up in my head but none of them were going to be close to the truth so I waited for him to tell me about it instead of making things up in my head. I had a million questions but I was going to wait until he wanted to talk. 

»I know what you think but dad has a great way to handle things. He’s fine.« obviously Ezekiel wasn’t the only one who could read thoughts or I was making it too obvious. I smiled and tried to comfort him with putting one hand on his shoulder. I didn’t know what happened but I knew that his dad was very strong and that he was probably the reason why they were so strong too. I didn’t even notice that there was something wrong in their family but I hoped that it was going to get better soon. 

»I’m here if you want to talk.« I said and he gently grabbed the hand on my shoulder and kissed it. I had to giggle. »I know. I really appreciate it.« he said and smiled at me. It made me feel good. He made me feel good. 

We set the table and waited in the living room. We talked about the puzzle and when we were going to finish it. I asked him how he put it away and he promised me that it was just the way we left it. 

After a while his dad called us to the table. It already smelled amazing and it was really lovely to see how he enjoyed making food. We sat down and I had to smile when Xaviar sat down across from me until I realized that the seat next to me was empty and that one person was missing... Ezekiel was going to sit down next to me. He did. Just as I thought. It was a bad idea to sit across from Xaviar so I could see him better and have him in front of my eyes. I thought of standing up and sitting down next to Xaviar but that would’ve been awkward so I kept sitting there but I was sure that Ezekiel could feel that I wasn’t amused by it. He didn’t mind. He made it even worse by sitting so close to me, as if he had no space. His shoulders were already wide enough. I was about to tell him to f**k off because I knew that he was doing it on purpose. His arm touched mine and I was asking myself if he was this stupid, if he wanted to prove me something or if he was just acting like he was stupid.

»I hope you’re not a vegetarian because I didn’t think of that.« his dad admitted and I quickly shook my head. »No, I’m not. No worries.« I said when he filled our plates. It was so sweet that he was doing it for us, although there was no need to. »I could swear that the salad is better than the lasagna.« Xaviar said and started enjoying his food. I started to eat and I was positively surprised by how good it actually was. His dad was more talented than I thought. 

»Wow! It’s perfect.« I let him know. »I wish you would look at me the way you look at that piece of lasagna.« Xaviar said and I smiled at him. I blushed and wanted to keep eating but I also wanted to say something. »I looked at you way better than I look at it.« he seemed to love my respond to that but Ezekiel didn’t because he cleared his throat and said »Gay shit.«. I turned around to him so fast that I almost broke my neck and gave him a death stare. »Ez, come on.« his dad said, a little disappointed. He just laughed and kept eating. They started talking about something but I was still pissed about what Ezekiel said. He had no right or reason to be this rude. 

I thought he couldn’t make it any worse but then I felt something warm on my thigh. It was his hand. I pushed it away as quickly as I could, trying to not make it obvious. I wasn’t surprised because I kinda expected it but I didn’t think that he would really do that. He was bold to take this opportunity and do it right in front of his father and his brother but he already showed me that he wasn’t afraid of doing that. I hated him. 

I glanced over at him, making sure that the others wouldn’t notice. He wasn’t looking at me but I still noticed the tiny smirk on the corner of his lips. I wanted to punch it off his face. 

I wanted to keep eating, as if nothing happened but he put his hand on my thigh again. That wasn’t all. He stroke and squeezed it... I took a deep breath and my grip around the fork in my hand tightened. I was about to attack him with it. I tried to push his hand away again but he grabbed my thigh really tightly and I couldn’t try too hard because I didn’t want the others to notice. They were having a deep conversation but that didn’t mean that they weren’t going to notice it. I clenched my jaw and took a sip of the cold water in front of me. 

He went further up between my legs and I held my breath. I couldn’t let him do that. It just couldn’t happen. Not there, not in that moment. Not like it was in all the books and movies. This wasn’t going end well and I knew it. He needed to stop. I looked at him, trying to tell him with my eyes that he needed to stop but he didn’t mind.

He tapped on my inner thigh two times with his index and middle finger. I knew what that meant. I knew what he wanted. I knew what was going to happen if I wasn’t going to let him do whatever he wanted. That’s why I slowly spread my legs. He went further up until he reached my sensitive spot. 

I let the breath out that I kept holding in and that’s when I caught the others attention. My stomach dropped but Ezekiel was relaxed. He kept going. 

»Is it too spicy?« Xaviar asked and I quickly shook my head. »No. It’s really good! I like it when it’s spicy.« I said, trying to show off how nervous I was. I was literally shaking under the table. 

They started talking again and I tried to get myself back together. 

This was something else. He was touching me. He was touching my skin, my most private part. He was going too far. My head was burning and a hundred thoughts went through my head. I had no clue what to do. 

He was gently rubbing on me. I grabbed his wrist and tried to make him stop but he was stronger than me. I saw that he looked at me so I looked back at him. He was smiling softly. I hated that smile. 

He kept looking at me and slowly pulled my panties to the side. I tried to warn him with my watering eyes but that didn’t work either. He was enjoying it on the maximum. I’ve never been this nervous. I’ve never been this anxious. I couldn’t believe that it was happening. He knew that no one has ever touched me like that and that’s why he took his time. That’s why he did it when I expected it the less. It crossed my mind but I didn’t think it would happen. I never thought it would happen like this. I thought of another place and another moment and another person but this was more intense than everything else. 

I looked at my plate and tried to concentrate. I didn’t think it would give me the urge to cry. I didn’t know if it was a good or a bad feeling. 

When he inserted his fingers in me I couldn’t control my shaking hands anymore. I swallowed and tried to keep quiet so I bit my lower lip. Two fingers without a warning. He had no mercy. He didn’t care about anything. He didn’t care about the way I felt, how risky it was, what could’ve happened if they would’ve noticed it. He only thought of himself. He was the most selfish person I’ve ever known. And I didn’t even know him but it was the wrong time to think of that. 

In that moment all I could think of was him and what he made me feel. He really took his time. He went slow but passionately. How the hell was he passionate about it? I could literally feel that he was giving his best without even trying it. He wasn’t just getting in and out of me, he was playing with me, as if I was his favorite toy. Then he went faster and I felt awful when I realized how it felt. It was pleasing. It felt way better than I thought it would, better than I daydreamed about it but it was wrong. I grabbed his wrist again to push his hand away but he went harder when I tried it so I let my hand on his and almost guided him. I took another deep breath. This time I was whimpering. I’ve never tried so hard to be quiet. I was embarrassed. More than that. I was awful. 

The feeling that I had got worse with every second. I got goosebumps and felt like someone gave me a little taste of cocaine, just so I would crave more. It was like someone pumped adrenaline into my blood. Tons of it. The knot in my stomach got tighter but just when I thought that I was going to experience how it felt to head to heaven he stopped. I was breathing heavily. I looked at him, totally shocked. He couldn’t do this to me. He couldn’t give me a little taste and let it be just when it was going to end right. He shouldn’t have done it in first place but he did and I expected a fair end. He made me want it and he stopped.

He smirked at me and gently pulled his hand away. I was asking myself what he was going to do. I wanted to know what his next step was going to be. How was he going to act now? As if nothing happened of course. I watched how he gently licked his fingers, as is he was trying to taste the food from them. I couldn’t believe him or my f*****g eyes at all. My jaw dropped but I had to get myself back together really fast. I tried so hard but somehow it got worse. I started panicking. Probably because I was overthinking. What happened a few seconds ago didn’t seem real. I couldn’t accept that it happened. I couldn’t accept that I didn’t stop him because I was too scared that he would expose me. That was the problem of giving someone important things in their hand. Things that could destroy you or your life.

I lost my appetite but I didn’t want to be disrespectful so I forced myself to eat. I was slow and numb but that was the calm before the storm. I tried so hard to be a part of their conversation but I couldn’t because I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened. Luckily they didn’t notice because I got to play it off better than I thought. 

I hated him even more now because I couldn’t even enjoy the food that his dad made with all his love. He put so much effort in it and Ezekiel destroyed it. 

I was confused and irritated. He crossed my lines. I could’ve stopped him but that’s not what it was about. It was about something else... 

Somehow I survived the dinner and helped them to clean up while Ezekiel did whatever he did. I didn’t pay attention to him because I was about to explode. One look of him and I was going to stab him with a kitchen knife. Xaviar noticed that something was wrong but he didn’t ask me about it. I was stuck in my own thoughts, I could barely act like I was totally fine. He triggered me so much that it opened my eyes and now I was ready to change something. 

That’s why Xaviar pulled me into a quiet corner and asked »You’re not okay. What’s going on in your mind?« I hated that I was a mood killer. I needed to find a way to handle this nicely, without making him notice anything. »I feel a little sick.« this time I didn’t lie. I felt extremely sick. He furrowed his eyebrows. »Shit, was it the food. Was there anything that you didn’t like? Hey, you don’t gotta act like you liked it just because-..« I cut him off because I didn’t want him to think that this was his or his dads fault because it wasn’t and I had enough of him blaming himself or anybody else when it was just me. »Believe me it wasn’t the food. I think I’m just getting sick. Happens sometimes. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to ruin the mood.« I said and he shook his head. »Nothing you would do could kill the mood. Do you want me to take you home?« he asked and that’s exactly what I wanted. Everything went just the way I planned it. That’s when I finally looked over Xaviar’s shoulder to Ezekiel. I looked right into his eyes. I knew he was watching us. I looked at him and hoped that he understood what I was trying to tell him. 

»I can take her home. You can stay and help dad.« he did understand. Ezekiel wasn’t stupid. Xaviar looked at him with a raised brow. He was asking himself why. »I’m gonna drive around a little bit anyway. I can drop her off.« he added. 

I knew he would find a way.