Delirium

Troublemaker

My brain decided to repeat every word, every touch and every moment everyday for the past two weeks. I tried to understand it. I tried to understand what happened to me. My mixed feelings were about to eat me from the inside and I hated it. I hated the feeling of guilt that got followed by the thoughts and emotions that I had when I thought of Ezekiel. It wasn’t him who made me feel this way. It was his words and his actions. I didn’t know him well enough to feel anything for him and I didn’t want to get to know him. I wanted to punch myself for letting him do this with me. I could’ve pushed him away, I could’ve told him to back off and leave me alone, I could’ve told the girls or Xaviar but I didn’t do any of that. I let the brother of the guy that I love do this with me and it felt good. I hated myself for feeling this way. I was such a bad person and I felt dirty. I was never going to be able to tell Xaviar about it. Not because Ezekiel was right with everything he said, but because I didn’t know how to explain that I didn’t stop him. Even the fact that I had to lie to him, look into his face, knowing how close I got to his brother, and didn’t say anything was so disrespectful. I wished I could’ve changed what happened. No matter how much I enjoyed it because I let myself go, it was wrong and I needed to forget it. I already hated him because he has the nerve to talk to me like that. But it was my own fault. I allowed him to do that. I shouldn’t have given him any attention but he triggered me. I needed to learn how to control myself and I needed to stay away from him. 

»I’ll be right back.« Xaviar said and got off his car. We were hanging out but he forgot something at home so we came to pick it up. I waited in the car and checked my phone. The girls wanted to meet in the evening. It was a good idea because I needed distraction. I didn’t tell them about what happened either. 

I closed my eyes with the thought of how I hid it from them. I never hid anything from them. They knew everything about me and I knew everything about them. I couldn’t explain why it was so hard for me to talk about it with them. It was complicated. I was complicated. Alex would’ve asked me if I was stupid and Leah would’ve thrown hands. I hated hiding something from them but it was going to be alright. I was going to forget about it. It was no big deal..

I flinched when someone knocked on the window on my side. I turned around and saw Ezekiel. I’ve spent the past two weeks that I’ve spent with Xaviar with avoiding Ezekiel. It worked really well and even when I saw him I acted like he wasn’t there. 

I rolled the window down and looked away. He bent down and looked right at me. I took a deep breath through my nose and waited for him to say something. 

»Why are you running away from me? Do you think avoiding me will make you want it less?« 

Why was he like that? How was he so comfortable? He was talking to me as if we’ve known each other for years. I hated that he was so close to me. Acting like he knew everything about me but he didn’t know that he was not the main character in a book or a movie. On the other side I forgot that the world got faster and that teens didn’t want to waste any time while talking to people. I’ve witnessed it myself. It was the same with Xaviar and me. A lot of things happened in a short time and it felt like we’ve known each other for years too. I tried to take it slow but it didn’t work out very well, so I should’ve known that it was going to be the same with Ezekiel and me but I didn’t want it to go slow, I wanted it to stop.

»I’m not running away from you. I’m not avoiding you.« I answered, looking at my hands which were laying in my lap. »Then look at me.« his quiet voice had a loud effect on me. I didn’t want to but I looked at him because it would’ve been disrespectful to not look at him while talking to him. »I missed you.« he said out of nowhere and my heart skipped a beat. He put his hand on my cheek and my heart skipped another beat. Did he really miss me? He probably didn’t... why did I wish he would? I looked into his eyes and he slid his thumb over my lower lip again. This time he was gentle. His hands were soft and warm. 

»Please stop.« I said, almost closing my eyes because I couldn’t keep them open, since my eyelids felt heavy. He made me weak and sleepy but excited at the same time. »Why does it sound like you don’t want me to stop?« he asked and I looked into his eyes again. »Because I don’t want you to stop.« as soon as the words rolled off my tongue I regretted it.  My stomach dropped and I wanted to push his hand away but he said »My beautiful girl...«. What was happening with me? He couldn’t just say that. I couldn’t believe my ears. The way he just complimented me made me so soft that I wanted him to say more. The fact that he said “my” drove me crazy. 

Don’t let him fool you... who knows how many girls he’s calling like that... why am I thinking of that? It’s not like it would bother me, right? I didn’t care about him. I love his words and actions, which I shouldn’t, but I do and that is all. I don’t care about his girls.

I gently pushed his hand away from my face and said »You can call every other girl like that but not me.« I said after clearing my throat. He snorted and slowly nodded. »That’s the problem?« he asked and slowly leaned in. »Wanna be the only one who gets f****d by me?« his question made me think but I shook my head. I wasn’t going to give him what he wanted. 

»So it wouldn’t bother you if I would give other girls the pleasure?« he continued. For some reason I could feel my blood boil. I couldn’t explain why I had this heavy feeling in my chest. 

Shut up. Don’t you dare to give a f**k about him. He has too many hoes and even if he wouldn’t have any, you don’t care about him. You belong to someone else, you’d never be the only one for him. Don’t get mad.

»If they would ride me and get me hard? You really wouldn’t mind?« he asked and I clenched my teeth and looked into his eyes. »Stop. Enough.« I said and I sounded way angrier than I thought I would. »If I would f**k them hard...« he added and I almost lost it. At this point he was testing me. »Ezekiel!« I snapped. He smirked. »What. Does it make you mad? Thinking about it is driving you crazy, right?« he was so confident that it was making me nervous. He knew that he was right. That was probably what made him so confident. 

I took a deep breath to calm down and get over the fact that thinking of him with other girls really made me furious. That was not how it should’ve been but I couldn’t change it. We barely knew each other and I already felt too close to him. Way too close. 

He turned to his left. Xaviar must’ve been coming because he slowly backed off. It should’ve made me feel comfortable and better but it didn’t. I wanted him to leave but at the same time I wanted him to stay. 

»I love how you say my name, baby.« he whispered and left. He was crazy. More than that. He gave me a second heartbeat and left. For the second time. I wanted to hate him, I wanted to hate him so much but it didn’t work. Besides that, I was wondering why he didn’t tell his brother about it. I expected him to tell him about how fake and desperate I was but it seemed like Xaviar didn’t know about anything. Somehow I couldn’t believe that. Siblings mostly told each other everything. They were probably testing me or I was paranoid but the possibility that Ezekiel was messing with me was still alive. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about how he called me “baby”. My concentration was gone. Even when Xaviar got in the car again, I knew that he would keep my mind busy but I needed to change the subject because otherwise he would’ve seen how nervous I was and I didn’t want him to ask questions that I couldn’t answer.

»Uhm, the girls want to hang out later. Do you want to join us?« I asked, noticing that something bothered me a lot. I knew that the whole thing with Ezekiel was irritating me but it wasn’t that. It was something else that made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe it was the guilt or the anxiety that got comfortable right inside of me. »Sure. Sounds like a good idea. I’d love to get to know them more. I need to get along with them if I want to spend more time with you, right?« he asked with such a cute smile that comforted me, as if he knew that something was wrong. I needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him about it. Lies never brought someone far and I wanted this to work. 

I also thought that it was cute that we had the same mind. I tried to get along with his friends because I thought the same too. He was really adorable. He had a big heart and I didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t deserve it and I didn’t want to disappoint him. I’ve been waiting for this for so long and I couldn’t ruin it just because a jerks libido was too high.

I smiled back and opened my mouth to say something. I wanted to tell him about it but he started the engine and I thought it wasn’t the right moment. The more I thought about it and the more time passed, the more stressed I got. I wasn’t sure about what was going to happen if I was going to tell him about it. He was probably going to be really really mad at both of us and I didn’t want to get between them or be the reason for them to fight. He could’ve cut me off easily but Ezekiel was his brother and I didn’t want any bad blood between them. That made me want to keep it to myself forever. I didn’t want to cause any trouble. I wasn’t a troublemaker. 

We drove around a little bit and got some ice cream for us and the others and he promised me that he would take me out one day on a frozen yogurt date. That made me really happy and I couldn’t wait for that day. 

We arrived at Alex' house and I prayed that we would have fun instead of awkward silences and uncomfortable moments because this meant a lot to me. Just as much as meeting his friends meant a lot to me. I was asking myself if he was nervous too. He seemed calm but what was he thinking? He already knew the girls but I asked myself what he thought of them. 

»Ice cream! That’s so kind. Thank you so much!« Alex said. She loved ice cream more than she loved her mom. That’s why her eyes were shining. I had to laugh. We walked to the living room together and on the way Leah gently grabbed me by my arm and made me stop. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. 

»Is everything alright?« she asked. She seemed worried and I couldn’t understand why. »I am. Why?« I asked. She probably wanted to tell me something. That’s how she always did it. She always used to handle things in silence instead of in front of everybody. She was always respecting the fact that I didn’t like talking about my feelings or other stuff about me in front of everyone. With everyone, I didn’t mean Alex. Xaviar was the ‘new’ one. 

»You look like there’s a storm in your head.« she answered and I held my breath without letting her notice it. She knew me too well and I didn’t want to lie to her but I had no other choice in that moment. I was going to tell them about everything later but not now. Not while Xaviar was around. »I’m alright. Really. My mind is just a little busy.« I answered, putting my hand on her hand that already let go of my arm. She wanted to know more but I couldn’t give her more in that moment. »I’ll tell you about it but not now, okay?« she seemed more satisfied with this and I was glad because she let it be for now. 

We joined Alex and Xaviar while they were talking about why Alex was being called Alex instead of Alexa, although that was her name. 

»And after a while sss Alexa came out and I did not enjoy that!« she explained, scooping her ice cream. He laughed and said »I’d never think it would have such an impact on it.« he said and she licked her lips but didn’t get to reach the spot on her chin where she still had some ice cream. »Me neither.« she said and he looked at me. He smiled. He seemed to enjoy it. It was obvious that he liked them and that made me feel really good. 

We spent some time together and left around 9pm. We got in his car and he wanted to say something but his phone rang. He answered the call and I put my seatbelt on. 

He seemed a little stressed. I was asking myself who it was. 

»Why?« he quietly asked. He didn’t seem happy. »I don’t care.« he continued and I wished I could’ve heard the other person. »Seriously. Handle it by yourself and don’t worry about me.« he said and hung up without saying another word. I was confused but mostly worried. »Who was that?« I asked. He shook his head. »My brother.« he answered and started the engine. »He doesn’t want me to come home tonight because he’s busy.« he continued and I was surprised that he told me about it by himself. I was glad at the same time because I loved how he felt comfortable with telling me about it. 

It seemed like Ezekiel was making trouble again... or it was something else. Was he having a girl over? Did he need the house to be empty because he wanted to be alone with her? Did he have a girlfriend? I just realized that I didn’t know anything about it. We barely talked about him and when we both talked, we talked about things that made me nervous. I couldn’t explain myself why I felt a certain heat all over my body but that heat made me feel uncomfortable and it made it hard for me to breathe. The thought of him with another girl made me furious. I had to admit it and I hated it. I hated everything about it. He was right again. I hated that more than anything. He had too much control over me and my feelings and it made me crazy. 

I shook my head and the thoughts away and asked »Does that happen often?« that was one way to find out at least a little bit about him. »Mostly. But this time.. it’s complicated.« he said and started driving. »I understand. Xaviar, how old is he?« I asked and hoped that it wasn’t weird. »Twenty one.« he answered and I noticed that he was really distracted but finding out that he was three years older than me made me feel like I got punched in my stomach. I was going to turn eighteen that year. He must’ve been going to college... it was awkward... did he even know how old I was? He probably did and it didn’t bother him. 

»You said you won’t go home. Where will you stay?« I got back to the real problem. He probably had friends and all but I was worried about him. »I’ll ask a friend. Won’t be a problem.« he answered and I hesitated to say it but I still did. »You could... stay with me. Only if you want to.« saying that made me nervous because I was afraid of what he would think about it. He looked at me. He was surprised. »Would your... mom be okay with that?« he asked, not believing she would. She probably wasn’t going to be amused by that since she didn’t even get to know him and she didn’t like the idea of us sleeping in the same area. She was probably going to freak out but I was going to handle it.

»I’ll handle that.« I said and he gave me a crooked smile. That was so cute that I almost melted. Thinking of us sleeping so close to each other gave me goosebumps.