Delirium

Rachelle

Running around the block seemed like a good idea to free my mind and feel better. I needed to get active because being a little piece of disappointment didn’t suit me and I couldn’t stand that I let myself fall like that. That’s why I spent the whole next week with running. I was just running. Going for a walk didn’t work for me. Plugging me earphones in and running around the city felt way better than laying at home like a dead person. Even mom was thanking god because I finally started to do something good. She still couldn’t believe her eyes. I had no hobbies or talents, that’s why she was amazed by me doing something for my health.. 

My phone rang but I couldn’t look at it because I still had almost a mile in front of me. After a few minutes, I realized that the person wasn’t going to give up so I stopped for a second and checked my phone. It could’ve been mom, so it was important. It was Alex. I answered her call, totally out of breath. 

»What’s up?« I asked.

»V, you need to come over, I need to tell you something! Leah is going to come too.« she sounded really excited. Almost euphoric and nervous. I was asking myself what got her this quirky again. »I can’t.« I replied, realizing how sweaty I got and that my mouth was dry. »Where are you?« she was confused because of my cold voice and my direct answer. »On a run.« I answered and heard her sigh. »Again? Your going to collapse.« she was exaggerating. It wasn’t that deep. I was running every day but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t do it without dying because I wasn’t used to it and not really athletic. 

»Nah. Is it something important?« I asked, remembering that I didn’t have to let everything out on her. I didn’t want to be cold and distant because I was irritated in general. It wasn’t their fault. »I’ll be there after I take a shower.« I continued before she even got the chance to explain what it was about. This all was going to turn me into a really bad friend and I didn’t want to be selfish. »Yay! See you later!« she said and hung up. She was happy. I didn’t want to destroy that or bring her down with my stupid mood. They didn’t have to pay for my flaws. 

I changed the song to On My Own by Trevor Daniel and started stretching myself. I planned a route in my head, noticing that I was near to the forest way that I liked so much. I walked a little bit because I was really exhausted. Luckily there weren’t many cars. I just didn’t like the thought of how they could be staring at me, although it was no big deal. That’s why I always stared at them first, to check if they were looking. It was just an overthinking thing. 

Just when I wanted to start running again a car that seemed pretty familiar to me passed. As soon as I realized that it was Ezekiel’s car I thought of hiding behind a tree or turning around but then I saw that he wasn’t alone... he drove past me with a girl on the passenger seat. 

And if I don't move on, think I'll end up dead

I keep hearing your voice in the back of my head

I shook my head and swallowed my saliva that felt thicker than usually. My heart was heavy. I did everything wrong. I knew it because it hurt me. Seeing him with other girls hurt me. Actually I couldn’t decide if it was pain, anger or jealousy or if it was all at once but I knew one thing. That it was too much for me to handle.

I ripped my earphones out of my ears.

»Fuck this, f**k it, f**k it, f**k it.« I mumbled to myself and decided to go back home. I was out of breath again and this time it wasn’t because I ran. My heart was running. My head felt warm. I could literally feel how my scalp got hot. This feeling was making me anxious and I was tired of it. I was tired of feeling like this because of one person. I forgot about my value. My pride, my honor, my feelings... everything was lost. 

I arrived at home and walked to my room immediately. I grabbed my stuff and locked myself right into the bathroom. Even while taking my clothes off, he was all I could think of. Even though he was with other girls. Why did I think I would be the only one he was driving back home? Or driving to fuck... I shouldn’t have been as shocked as I was. I needed to get used to it. To see him with females. I didn’t even have the right to be mad. Especially because he said it to my face that day... 

I turned on the water and some music to relax. Of course it didn’t work, so I turned the music off before I got in the shower. I chose silence. I got in the shower and I was quicker than usually but one thing made me slow down. It was the moment in which I looked down at myself and noticed my thighs... there was nothing special about them. Just the sudden urge to cut them...

Ezekiel said something about cutting them and licking my blood, up to my... 

His bloodlust was exactly what I was looking for. It was all I thought of for all these years. Someone who would be as psychotic as me. Someone who would romanticize all the bad things... someone who would make me feel less crazy. Who would be just like him. 

I shook my head, noticing how my eyes started to burn because I let the water rain on me. My thoughts paralyzed me. He paralyzed me.

I wasn’t in love. It wasn’t love. 

I loved Xaviar.

I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my body and another one around my hair. I took a deep breath and looked into the mirror. I could barely recognize myself. What did I turn into? What did I do to myself. I wasn’t the type of person who would cheat, lie, hide things and do even more than that. Changes. I needed changes. Back to who I was. To how it was. 

I got dressed as quickly as possible and put my hair in a bun, not even wasting time with blow drying it. There was not a minute that I had. No time to waste. 

This time I took the car because mom and Graham were at home and not planning on leaving the house. They started asking less questions but that wasn’t important anymore because they were my tiniest problem. 

I got really used to coming to their house. It didn’t feel strange anymore. Not like it did at the beginning. Nothing was the same as it was in the beginning. I wished it would’ve been.

I parked the car somewhere and walked to their door. I was almost running. This time it took me a lot of strength so knock or ring the doorbell. It was like I was going to end my life with it but I had to do it, although I knew very well what was going to happen after it. 

Xaviar opened the door and my blood pressure hit the roof. I forgot all the words that I prepared while coming here. For some reason he seemed as shocked as me. Probably because my hair was still wet. That’s probably why I was shaking. At least I hoped so because it wasn’t a right time for an anxiety attack. This time I couldn’t push it away or let it wait. 

»Xaviar... I need to tell you something.« I said and held my breath. I wanted to continue but he was faster than me. »I need to tell you something too.« he said and my heart dropped to my ass. Was it possible that Ezekiel felt the same as me and already told him everything? I was about to collapse. 

I opened my mouth because I wanted to explain myself faster than him but he was way faster than me again.

»My mom is here.«

What? 

That’s not what I expected. I let the breath out that I was holding in. I furrowed my eyebrows, remembering what he told me about her. She wasn’t coming home because she wasn’t on good terms with their dad. That’s why it must’ve been so special to him. He seemed happy. His smile appeared within minutes. My head was burning but I needed to concentrate. I needed to be there for him.

»Please come in.« he said, already pulling me in. I couldn’t tell him anything. Everything that I planned had to be thrown away, at least for a while because before I could even get myself back together a woman with long, blond, wavy hair, red lipstick, perfect tan an honey brown eyes was standing in front of me. She was wearing a white shoulderless puff dress that reached her knees. She looked really young.

I felt awful because I came here with baggy clothes and wet hair. I wished to meet her differently. Not in these clothes, not in this state of mine. Not while I was about to tell her son that I was cheating on him with his brother. 

»Valentina.« she said, with a soft smile. She seemed surprised too. She had an accent... and the voice of an angel. She knew my name. Of course. Xaviar must’ve told her about me. He was taking this all serious. Way more serious than me. He was ready to introduce me to his whole family while I was betraying him. 

»Let me introduce you to my mom. Rachelle.« Xaviar was way more excited than we were. I tried to smile. 

»I’m so glad to finally meet you, pretty girl!« I thought she would shake my hand but she went in for a hug. It got me confused for a second but it seemed like she was comfortable like this. That’s why I hugged her back because she already made me feel comfortable too. She was giving me good vibes. 

When she let me go she grabbed my hand and pulled me on the sofa. I had no clue what was waiting for me because my brain wasn’t working. I didn’t function. Not a bit, yet I tried my best to not act the way I looked. 

Xaviar sat down across from us and his smile comforted me, although I still felt very uncomfortable when I thought of how I looked and felt. I couldn’t think of a worst moment to meet her. 

»Tell me a Little bit about yourself.« she said. She was smiling and I realized how beautiful her hands were. She had a lot of birthmarks. I already loved her accent so much. It suited her voice perfectly. 

I told her about myself and tried to not make it basic or feel like small talk. Somehow talking to her was very easy and felt really good. She knew how to keep a conversation going and I also got to know a lot about her. She was a ballet teacher. I would’ve never thought of that but imagining her in a bellet class didn’t seem that strange at all. I was sure that she had the discipline and patience for it. It also seemed like she loved to tell stories. She even told me some stories from Ezekiel’s and Xaviar’s childhood. I loved listening to her and finding out how these both were when they were little. 

She told me that Xaviar was a loud crybaby which needed a lot of attention while Ezekiel was quiet and liked to be lonely. It was weird to see how they were the opposite now. Crazy how life took turns.

She kept talking and somehow I couldn’t stop thinking of Ezekiel as a baby, as a little kid, as a child, as a teen... and the person he was now. I was asking myself when he got the tattoos in his face and when he turned into the person he was in that moment. I was asking myself so much about him, wishing he would read my mind again and answer my questions but that would’ve meant that he had to be here. 

God must’ve done that job for him because he walked right through the door, a few seconds after I wished for it. It was incredible how my little manifestation worked out so quickly. I knew that I was manifesting the wrong things but somehow I couldn’t hold myself back from it. As soon as our eyes met I thought of him and the girl in his car and that heavy feeling came back again. Suddenly I couldn’t stop imagining him with that girl. It made me sick. What was happening to me? 

I wasn’t sure if he already saw his mom that day but he didn’t seem interested in her appearance. He didn’t seem bothered at all. There was this emptiness again. That emptiness that I hated because I couldn’t get through to him. It was like I was always looking into his eyes, hoping to find something there but I needed to learn that he knew how to shut his feelings off, as if he was a machine. I didn’t give up. 

He looked at his mom and it seemed like the world around him stopped. He didn’t show us what he felt, he didn’t say a word or move. He just stood there and looked at her. I wasn’t sure but it almost seemed like it did something to him that he couldn’t handle. 

Rachelle stood up to greet him but he still didn’t move an inch. He just looked at her like she was a stranger. He definitely didn’t expect her to be here. I expected him to be happy and glad to see her but it must’ve been the opposite because he walked straight to the kitchen when she walked towards him. 

»Ezekiel...« I heard her say quietly. That’s when I finally saw something in his eyes... in his face.. for a second his chin started shaking. He must’ve wanted to say something but couldn’t let it out. His shield was about to break... 

It was interesting to see how close Xaviar was to her while Ezekiel didn’t want to have anything to do with her. He was literally avoiding her. She must’ve been really hurt but she was good at showing off... and she didn’t give up. She slowly walked to the kitchen and we all heard the noises her heels made while hitting the clean floor. I could literally see how Ezekiel started breathing heavily. I wasn’t sure what I was about to witness but I was sure that it wouldn’t take him long to put his guards down. 

He grabbed something out of the refrigerator and warmed it up in the microwave. I started to understand that he liked eating in the kitchen, alone. He must’ve been hungry after the long time he spent with that girl. That meant that they didn’t go and eat... or he was eating to distract himself so he wouldn’t have to talk to his mother. I was really curious about why he was acting like this. As if she didn’t exist. He didn’t even greet us. He didn’t say a word since he entered. 

After I glanced over at Xaviar I was sure that I was right with all of my thoughts. He was watching them too with furrowed eyebrows. It seemed like he didn’t know what was going to happen either. He was curious but worried. 

I turned back around to them, trying to be quiet, as if turning my head would make a noise. I didn’t want them to feel like we were watching them, although that was exactly what we did.

»How are you...?« Rachelle asked, almost afraid to speak to him. Was she scared that he would lose it? 

He grabbed his food out of the microwave and placed it on the kitchen counter in front of him. I was sure that we all were thinking he wouldn’t answer but after a while he said »I don’t wanna know where you’ve been and you don’t wanna know how I am.« looking straight into her eyes. He was giving her a death stare. My blood went cold. He was literally telling her to not even start. I couldn’t understand why he was treating her like that. No matter what she did... she was his mom and he needed to respect her. If I would’ve even looked at my mom like that I would’ve been dead. She would’ve shipped me to Africa. Either she must’ve done something really bad to upset him like that or he was just really sensitive and disrespectful.

»I came so we could spend some time together and maybe... talk.« she was still trying to smile but her shaky voice told us all that she was struggling a lot and giving her best to stand tall in front of her sons. My heart was breaking. I didn’t know what happened between them but watching them made me sad. Especially seeing how cold Ezekiel was.

»I wasn’t planning on waisting my time.« he replied. If he would’ve treated me like this I would’ve felt awful. She was so nice and he was just acting like an asshole. This wasn’t right, even if she did something really bad. He didn’t need to be so rude. Watching them almost put me in pain. 

»I understand that you’re not ready yet...« she mumbled and I hated how small she was in front of him. She was so nice and patient and caring and he was just hell on earth. 

»Then why are you still talking to me?« he was totally done with her. How could someone be like this? Someone who could be this cold to their own mother, was ready to do anything. I tried to not judge him about this because I didn’t know what happened but it seemed like Xaviar handled it very well, since he was on really good terms with her. The issue was probably between Rachelle und Ezekiel. I was dying to know what happened but asking wasn’t a choice because it wasn’t my business. I didn’t want to seem nosy. Even sitting there felt wrong. I wished I didn’t come. 

Xaviar took the opportunity in the silence and stood up. »Mom... do you want me to drive you home?« he asked, trying to smile. He tried to save her out of this situation and she was appreciating it. She slowly nodded, knowing Ezekiel wouldn’t talk to her. He didn’t even waste a second to look at her. He just kept eating and typing something in his phone. I wanted to say that he was heartless but that wasn’t true. He must’ve had his reasons. That’s what I always reminded myself of. People had their reasons for their actions. It wasn’t my right anyway to judge anybody. 

»I’ll drop her off real quick and be right back. Can I leave you here, alone with him?« he quietly asked, as if he didn’t want them to hear it. I shrugged and nodded. Ezekiel wasn’t dangerous and Xaviar didn’t need to worry... well, maybe about something else but at least not about Ezekiel killing me or something similar to that. He was still believing that we didn’t like each other at all... I felt bad. Really bad. Especially remembering why I came here in first place. I promised myself I would tell him as soon as he would come back... he even wanted me to stay because he wanted to see me after that. 

He smiled and kissed my forehead. That unexpected move gave me tingles. I didn’t expect him to do that... it was a really big move for me and really meaningful. It made me smile and comforted me in an unexplainable way, yet made me feel all the guilt that I’ve been carrying around in these past weeks. 

I said goodbye to Rachelle and she said that she would love to see me again soon. I told her that I would love that too. I was really hoping that Xaviar would bring us both together soon again because she was a very nice person and being around her made me feel special. She made me wish to spend more time with her. Especially because I wanted to get to know her better. 

When they left, I waited a few minutes and when I heard noises from the kitchen I turned around. Ezekiel cleaned everything up and made his way to the stairs. That showed me that he didn’t want to talk because otherwise he would’ve come up to me to talk or do something. I could feel that awkward energy around him but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to rest if I would just let him go like that now. It wouldn’t have been okay to not check on him. No matter what happened between us, I knew that even the grumpiest people needed someone to talk sometimes. 

»Are you okay?« I asked and watched him freeze on his spot. I couldn’t tell if he was annoyed because I didn’t leave him alone or if he just didn’t expect me to ask, although it was something that he could take for granted. 

He slowly turned around to me and walked towards the sofa. I looked up at him and stood up because I was sure that he wouldn’t want to sit down. Otherwise he already would’ve done it.

He shrugged and shook his head, replying »Of course. You?« as if nothing happened. I wasn’t sure if he did that to not give away how he really felt or if he really was done with it. He seemed like he closed that chapter. It confused me a little bit. He couldn’t tell me that he didn’t care about it. I didn’t even expect him to talk about it, I just wanted to know how he was feeling. He already seemed like he was having a hard day. 

»Yes.« I shortly answered and let an awkward silence take place for a few seconds. I waited for him to say something. I hoped that he would feel free to open up but it didn’t seem like he wanted to. I didn’t want to ask him too much because I didn’t know how he would react so I changed to subject to distract him and free my mind. 

»I saw you... on the road in the forest.« I said and swallowed. I sounded really stupid. Nervous, desperate, frustrated, although my blood was boiling in that moment I saw him with that girl. Somehow it all faded away and I was too afraid to ask him about it because it wasn’t my business but I had the right to know because of what happened between us. 

»Oh, yeah.« he said, not caring at all. I had no clue how to continue or how to not look stupid and make me look small in his eyes but I just talked, without being able to hold myself back. »You weren’t alone...« I scratched my neck, hoping I could hide how much it was actually bothering me and how much I was actually thinking about it. »Ah... I see...« it seemed like that changed his mood a little bit. He didn’t seem as cold as before. He licked his lips and rubbed his chin. It wasn’t the right time and place to think of that but he looked really hot when he did that. I couldn’t control my feelings and thoughts. It made me weak. 

»You wanna know who she is.« he continued and I started panicking a little bit. I actually blushed because he said it out loud and I wasn’t ready because I didn’t know what to say. Did I really want to know? Did I really care? Did I need to know? I did. All of it.

It almost looked like he was happy about it. It seemed like that made his day but he was trying to control his facial expression. The more I knew him and the more time passed, the better I got to know his facial expressions and what his words meant. 

»Are you jealous?« he asked, almost smiling. I blushed even more and I wanted to cover my face with my hands but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let him know how I was feeling about it, although he probably already did. My pride was way too important. That’s why I didn’t say anything. Luckily he kept talking. He decided to explain. He took a deep breath and said »Just a girl... that won’t get off me.«. I wasn’t sure if I should believe him but there was no reason to lie to me. There was a girl that didn’t want to let him go... what did that mean? Did he want to get rid of her or was he fine with it? I didn’t want to ask him about it. Too many details wouldn’t have helped either. 

»Okay.« that’s all I said and he probably expected me to give him more but I wasn’t going to do him that favor. I wasn’t in control of my feelings in that moment. That’s why I spoke as less as I could. It made things easier. He didn’t say anything either... he just looked around and took another deep breath but this time it sounded like he couldn’t breathe and I could see that he wasn’t alright. He definitely wasn’t alright. He said that he would be okay but that wasn’t the truth. It was obvious that it was bothering him and that it took him a lot of strength to act like he was fine. 

I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine. He understood what I was trying to tell him... he slowly furrowed his eyebrows and I could’ve sworn that I saw pain in his face. He couldn’t hide it anymore. Something about him changed in that moment. He didn’t look that ignorant and cold anymore. 

»I’m so tired.« he said out of nowhere. I was surprised. I felt bad for him. He wasn’t trying to tell me that he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. He was tired of the universe. Tired of everything. I was surprised because he told me that. He didn’t feel the need to hide it. He felt the need to share it with me. It was the first time that he shared his feelings with me. I knew that there was more behind this whole image that I got of him. There was so much more than a guy who was spending his time with different girls every weekend, who was cold sometimes and manipulative. 

I didn’t want him to think that I would leave him alone with this or don’t understand him. So I slowly opened my arms, inviting him to a hug because I didn’t know which words I could use to make him feel better since I didn’t even know what it all was about. I didn’t know how else I could comfort him. He accepted my invitation and hugged me. He wrapped his arms around my waists and rested his chin on my shoulder. He was holding me tightly. I knew that it was just what he needed...