Delirium

Liar

On the next day I had to give mom answers to all her questions. It was harder than I thought. I tried to think of something when I took a shower before I went to bed and even before breakfast but all I could think of was what a great time I had and how much I enjoyed the day. The moments kept repeating themselves in my head and I couldn’t complain. I had to smile whenever I thought of the tiny moments between him and I. Maybe we were going to be normal friends who were doing things like these instead of the other things that still didn’t get out of my head... it was going to be easier like this. It was nothing illegal, nothing I needed to hide or be embarrassed of. Nothing that stressed me or was hard to explain. It was normal. That’s why I decided to tell mom the truth. It was better for her to get to know the situation like this. 

»So you were hanging out with Xaviar’s brother but didn’t tell him anything about it?« she asked. She seemed confused and I could understand that but I was going to explain it to her in a way that wouldn’t leave any question marks in her head. I already called Xaviar back and told him that I went to the library after The Moon because I couldn’t concentrate there and that I forgot to turn my phone on. He hesitated with believing me first but then he told me that he was glad that I was okay and that he wanted me to keep my phone on all the time. The girls were the only ones who were going to make it hard for me. I told them the same but I couldn’t convince them. I hated lying to them. I hated lying to them all but I didn’t want to destroy the feeling that this day gave me. I wanted it to stay the way it was. Of course it wasn’t easy to hide the truth so coldly but I didn’t do this to harm anybody. It wasn’t that bad that it would be horrible to tell them but it was important to me and I didn’t want them to know yet. That’s why I was going to explain them everything later. First I needed to handle mom. 

»Yes. It sounds weird but I didn’t lie when I said that it was spontaneous. We didn’t get along very well first and this time it was very unproblematic. I forgot the tell Xaviar because it was no big deal.« I explained and shrugged. I didn’t even lie. I just explained it a little bit differently. Telling her what actually happened between us would’ve made it impossible for me to survive the rest of my life. I didn’t want her to know that. It would’ve made everything complicated. »Why didn’t you get along?« she asked. I really hoped that she wouldn’t have any more questions but I should’ve known better. »Because he’s a little bit different than Xaviar. The typical older brother, you know?« I tried to play it off cool and it seemed to work. She slowly nodded. »I understand. MMA, seriously?« she asked, as if she didn’t believe me when I said it. »Yes, but he’s not aggressive or rude like you think these guys are. He’s really polite.« I tried to explain and realized how important it was to me. I didn’t understand why I wanted her to like him but I did. For some reason I was scared that she would think that he was the type of guy he looked like. »Hm. Well. If you say so.« she said and stood up. We were sitting in the living room. »Wait, am I still grounded?« I asked, hoping she would say “no” because I gave her what she wanted. She turned around and said »Yes.«

She crashed my hopes but I couldn’t argue with her. She would’ve made it worse so I just nodded. She was strict but that was okay. I understood it because she must’ve been really worried when she couldn’t reach me and even my friends started looking for me. 

»Can I at least tell the girls to come over?« I asked and she nodded. I smiled and grabbed my phone. They were already dying to see me and find out what happened. It didn’t take them long to arrive when I asked them if they would like to come over. I needed to prepare myself for at least a hundred questions. 

»Okay, where the hell have you been?« Leah asked as soon as they walked in. I lead them right to the kitchen because I thought of baking something. Even the thought of being grounded for a whole week made me go crazy and time already started to slow down so I needed to do something to make it pass faster. »Must’ve been something really rebellious to get grounded, huh?« Alex was mocking me. I stuck my tongue out to show her that it didn’t affect me. »Not at all.« I answered and sighed. »Your mom called us and I promise we both tried our best to give you an alibi but it didn’t work.« Alex said, being more serious. »That’s what I expected. Thank you.« I said and laughed. She looked like she won an Oscar. »Of course, of course.« she said and Leah rolled her eyes. »What happened? Don’t come at us with the library story.« she asked. I cleared my throat. I blushed a little because I was embarrassed. »Whatever it is, you don’t need to hide it from us.« Alex added and I rubbed my chin. Was I ready to tell them about it. Definitely not. »It’s not as deep as it seems to be. I went to The Moon first, then to the library because I wanted to study and couldn’t concentrate but that didn’t work either so I took a long walk.« I tried my best to make it sound real. I was a bad liar so I needed to pull out my best acting skills. 

»You took a walk?« Alex asked with a raised brow. I nodded. »I thought of things and it felt good.« I added, shrugging. »What did you think of? Is something bothering you?« Leah was worried. I quickly shook my head. »No, just some casual things. I needed that time for myself and I forgot to turn my phone on. That’s all.« that must’ve been my best performance because they seemed convinced. »My mom would’ve sent me back to Allah if I would’ve went “missing” for a few hours.« Leah said and I bursted out in laughter. »I’m glad I went away with getting grounded.« I responded and Alex said »I wish my parents would have time to be this strict.« and I laughed even more. They joined me and I told them that I wanted to bake something. They wanted to help me. We were hungry so we decided to order something so we could eat the dessert that we were going to make. 

While Alex was ordering I got a notification. Someone added me on Snapchat. It was Ezekiel. The name “Ezxx” made it pretty obvious that it was him. I got goosebumps and a tiny bit of adrenaline. I looked at the girls, as if they knew about it. Why was I so paranoid?

I quickly added him back and smiled. It didn’t take long for him to send me a snap. It got me so excited that I couldn’t suppress my smile. I felt like a little child that got its first gold fish. 

It was a picture of the left side of his face with the caption “I can feel your left hook...”. I had to laugh. It made me feel good. Leah looked at me for a second. I knew that they had their eyes on me. That was probably what made it so exciting. 

I looked at myself in the front camera and zoomed so I wouldn’t have to raise my phone and make it obvious that I was taking a picture because I didn’t want the girls to ask questions. I showed him the left side of my face too and wrote “You could’ve taken the chance to give me a hook too.” as the caption. I sent it to him and waited for him to snap me back. I checked how long it took him to open it. 32 seconds. He didn’t let me wait long. 

Another pic came. This time with his tongue stuck out. Seeing that made me feel some type of way. Just the way it made me feel the day before when he did it in front of Red Hood. It made me think of different things... when I saw the caption I felt my stomach drop. 

“I would love to give you more than a hook”. I took a deep breath but it felt like I couldn’t breathe at all. I felt how it was going to escalate... I knew in which direction this was going and I didn’t complain. “What else?” I asked with a pic of my whole face, trying to give back the same energy. He responded so fast that I couldn’t believe it. No letting me wait to make him seem more interesting, no leaving on seen. It was probably too early for that but the fact that he thought of me and added me gave me goosebumps. I felt honored for some reason.

I opened his snap and saw his sweatpants with the caption “my d**k, my tongue, my fingers, you choose”. I read it at least three times to check if I read it right because it seemed unreal. The heat I felt all over my body made it hard for me to react normal. The tingles in my lower abdomen made it even worse. This escalated faster than I thought. It went from zero to a hundred so quickly and it was incredible how it got me in the mood so fast. I hated how I enjoyed it. It made me feel so bad but so good at the same time. I expected something else but it seemed like he was horny and he wanted to talk.. that’s why I sent “all ” acting like I was joking but in reality I wasn’t joking.. that was stupid. It was stupid and dangerous but I couldn’t hold myself back. Why was he doing this to me? He knew that I wouldn’t be able to resist. He enjoyed it at least as much as me. 

"f**k you make me hard” was the next thing and that’s where I had to put my phone down because Leah asked »You’re about do disappear in your phone. What’s up.« and I was scared, as if she was my mom. »Xaviar sent me memes.« I lied. I hated lying. It made me feel awful but it also reminded me of Xaviar. I needed to text him. 

»Good, food will be here soon. Let’s get to the dessert.« Alex said, totally excited about it. 

We looked up some desserts on the internet but Leah came up with something Arabic that sounded and looked delicious to all of us. We were ready to learn from the pro. She said that she wasn’t sure if she could do it perfectly without her mom but I was sure that we would do good. 

During the process I sent Xaviar some motivated pictures to show him what we were doing and how amazing it already looked. He said that he couldn’t wait to see it when it was done and that he wanted to try some. I told him that I would hide some for him but that he would have to come over to get them because I was grounded. That didn’t seem to bother him because he liked coming over. Probably because he knew how much my mom liked him... and because he liked Graham. I couldn’t understand why but I also didn’t want to think of it. Unfortunately it didn’t work well because he entered the kitchen just when I thought I could stop thinking of him.  

»Hey! What are you doing? It already smells amazing!« he said, smiling like always. I hated how he was smiling. I wasn’t that negative to say that smiling wasn’t good but his smile was too much. He was too much. Why did he have to be there, always? Did he have to know whoever I knew? Even the fact that he knew Xaviar bothered me so much. I didn’t want him to get to know anybody who was coming into my life. He was with my mom and even that was too much in my eyes but he didn’t have to be close to me or my friends. He didn’t need to act like the cool boyfriend of the mom who was left alone. He was never going to be that. Being nice wasn’t helping sometimes. If he would’ve just walked past us without saying anything I probably would’ve liked him more. 

»We’re making some delicious dessert.« Alex said, smiling back, as polite as she was. They didn’t see the problem with him either. They always told me that I was too uptight and needed to let him in, accept it and that I couldn’t change it, that he wasn’t that bad, just a little bit different and that I was going to get used to it but I didn’t want to get used to it. 

»Sounds great! Need any help?« he asked. I rolled my eyes. He did not just seriously ask if we needed help. As if we could need his help while making some Arabic dessert. As if we three couldn’t handle that by ourselves. I wanted to throw the spoon in my hand after him but I held myself back. »No but thank you.« Leah said, smiling just like Alex. I turned around and tried to find something that I could keep myself busy with. I could literally feel that he wanted to say something to me but he didn’t. He just said »Alright, have fun!« and left. I was glad he did. I couldn’t control my feelings when he was around and I didn’t want them to see that. I didn’t want them to know how I actually felt when it came to this and more. It must’ve seemed like I didn’t care about them and didn’t feel bad for hiding things from them at all but that wasn’t true. 

There was a lot that I felt awful for. For example hiding everything that happened with Ezekiel. Lying right into Xaviar’s face. It didn’t seem that deep, right? I could’ve just told him about everything and made a decision, right? I could’ve asked my friends to give me advice, right? I didn’t have to guts to do any of that. I was a coward. A big coward who had mixed feelings and didn’t know what to do. These things weren’t as easy as they seemed to be. I wished they would’ve been. From the outside it must’ve looked like I was totally fine with everything but I was literally panicking and being anxious over the whole thing with Ezekiel, I was chased by guilt and sadness when I thought of Ezekiel, especially when I thought of how insecure I was about it. I felt bad for lying to my best friends who were always honest with me and made sure that I was alright and I felt like a bad person because I had desires that were huge sins in my mothers eyes. It was better for everyone to know me as the innocent, shy, kind person I was. 

The food that we ordered came faster than we expected and we ate really fast because all we wanted was dessert. It was so delicious that Alex’s eyes rolled back several times. »How are you so good at this?« she asked. »I’m mamas daughter and totally proud of myself!« Leah said and I wiped the corners of my lips with a napkin. »As you should!« 

We watched a movie together and talked until I got another snap from Ezekiel. The confidence he had with all these full face pictures was unbelievable. He was very handsome and he knew that. Of course he used that to make me weak. 

“Leaving me on read, huh?”

From the background I could tell that he was outside. I was asking myself where he was. I should’t have cared but I couldn’t control it. I even felt bad for forgetting to snap him back because the girls noticed how distracted I was. He was making me nervous. Even when he wasn’t right in front of me. I 

“Oooppss” was what I sent back with a picture of hair. 

»Right, V?« Alex asked. I looked up from my phone and nodded, although I didn’t know what they were talking about. »So you think that my brother should eat our rabbit?« she asked, noticing that I didn’t listen. I put my phone away and smiled. »Sorry.« but they seemed too suspicious. »What’s going on?« Leah asked and my smile faded. »What do you mean?« I asked. »You’re always on your phone and you’re really distracted lately.« she answered. I swallowed. »It’s just Xaviar. I’m still on my way to get used to this all. You’ll have to be patient with me because it’ll be like this for a while, since it’s all new...« I answered. It was getting warmer and warmer in the room because I felt like a piece of s**t for lying again. Right into their faces. I could’ve told them the truth but I was embarrassed for what I’ve done and what I was still doing. I couldn’t find the middle. Actually I needed someone to slap some sense in me. 

»Are you sure that it’s all? We’re just worrying because it doesn’t seem like the good type of distraction. It’s like something is really disturbing you.« 

I hated that I couldn’t hide anything from them, even when I was trying to. The fact that they both have already talked about it because they noticed it was stressing me. Even denying it now wasn’t going to convince them. They were going to know that I was lying and they were going to accept it until they would find out the truth or I would tell them by my own. 

»There’s nothing to worry about. You know that I like overthinking. That’s all.« I lied. I appreciated how they were always thinking about me. They were such good friends while I was awful. I didn’t deserve them.

»If it’s because of what we talked about last time, stop thinking so much. You deserve this. You’ve been waiting for this. Live it.« Alex put her hand on mine and I almost died because of the guilt that hit me like a brick. I felt the urge to cry and hug them but I had to hold my tears back. »Alex is right. Thinking too much is a waste of time, while you have the chance to enjoy the presence.« Leah agreed to her. I slowly nodded. I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want to lie more. 

They hugged me and that’s where I hated myself more than ever...

 ⚡︎

I ran to the door when I heard the doorbell ring, although I didn’t expect anybody to come. Mom and Graham weren’t at home and mom always told me to not open the door to anybody when I was alone but it was 12pm and I didn’t think that anybody was going to rob or kidnap me while the sun was out. Especially not in this quiet, boring, odd neighborhood. I went to open it and held my breath when I saw that it was Xaviar. »Surprise! I wanted to see you.« he said and held the flower in his hand towards me. It was a single lily. I looked at him, eyes wide open. »It’s beautiful!« I let him in and hugged him tightly. Little things have always made me happy but this one came from the person that I liked the most and it was so special to me because it was different. He could’ve brought me a rose but he brought me a lily. It was the most beautiful I’ve ever seen and it made me so happy that I couldn’t stop smiling. He definitely knew how to make my day. 

»I saw it and thought of you.« he said and I almost melted. »You can go over to the living room, I’ll be right there after I put this beauty in some water.« I said, still smiling. He nodded and I joined him after I put it in a glass of water because I couldn’t find a fitting vase. 

»Two days and I’ll be out of this jail.« I said when I sat down next to him. »Jail? Is it that bad?« he asked and I rolled my eyes. »It’s boring.« I answered and he smiled. »You could’ve called me, I would’ve made it less boring for you.« he said, leaning back. »Oh, it’s okay I talked to-...« I almost exposed myself. I almost told him that I kept talking to Ezekiel these past days. It was more than talking... one thing led to the other and soon we were having some dirty talk and sending each other pictures that were pretty private. Pictures and videos that made me feel some type of way. I told him that I wouldn’t show him any skin or go too far and he was okay with it. He accepted my limits and that made me feel comfortable. I got more comfortable with every second, with every minute, with every picture, with every video... with every joke, with every laughter.. I told him that I’ve never done that before and that I was nervous but he curved that with jokes and made it seem less of a problem and with time I started to realize that it wasn’t such a big deal. I knew that I had to be careful with these kind of things, although he made me feel comfortable. He saw me sucking on my fingers and bending over for him and I saw him touch himself. I’ve never been that nervous and excited. I’ve never felt that way before. I’ve always imagined things like these and now they got real... and it felt like I was running a marathon, my heart was beating so fast, my head was spinning and I was breathing heavily. He made me feel things I always wanted to feel. I’ve never been that aroused and I felt guilty for it, yet I didn’t stop any of us, so we ended up talking until 5am... for three days. I thought he was just texting me at night when he was horny and that’s what made me hesitate but he kept texting me during the day as well. This all actually helped me to get to know him better. He didn’t keep it all dirty. He made me feel comfortable and distracted me with funny things between all the pictures and videos. I was as careful as I could’ve been, although he got the chance to view my pictures only twice. Of course I was scared that he would screenshot everything but he didn’t. He opened my snaps so fast and replied so fast that I knew he was enjoying it instead of trying to use it against me. I knew that it was wrong but he made it feel right. Nobody has ever treated me like that. He told me that he loved it how I moved, that he loved my thighs and curves. He was soft and gentle but dominant and harsh at the same time. He didn’t make me feel like I was a horrible person because of what I was doing. That didn’t mean that I was fine with it. He was probably washing my brain and I was fine with that. That was the main problem. Thinking about him, about it, about the moments, every little moment... made me lose my appetite, feel nervous and guilty. It made me panic but whenever I talked to him, I felt safe. That was wrong, stupid, ridiculous, surreal, dumb, bad and everything else that was negative but I couldn’t explain it to myself either. It was very wrong of me to do that... to talk to the brother of my boyfriend, especially like this. It was wrong to talk to anybody like that while I was with Xaviar. I wanted to be with him, it was my choice. The universe handed me good cards for the first time in my life and there I was, playing wrong. I was doing everything wrong. 

Now I was sitting there with Xaviar, although I’ve shown Ezekiel things that only he should’ve seen. I was acting like I was the best girlfriend who was sitting at home, totally patiently waiting for her punishment to end but I was the opposite. I didn’t deserve any of this. Xaviar deserved better. I loved him with my whole heart. I finally belonged to him and I was making huge mistakes. 

»I was talking to the girls..« I finally finished my sentence with a shaky voice. He raised a brow. He wasn’t stupid. 

It wasn’t like we didn’t talk during these days. Just not as much as Ezekiel and me. I wished I would’ve texted him instead of his brother. I wished for so much but non of that was going to happen. Especially when Xaviar was looking at me like that, I felt like jumping off a roof for what I’ve done, yet I wanted it too much. I hated myself.