Delirium

Creeping on you

He pulled a chair next to me and sat down. Not too close so I could see his face well without having to turn my head around completely. 

I didn’t expect him to come back. That was probably the last thing I thought of. For a second I thought I was hallucinating and he wasn’t actually there but he was real. He was really sitting there and looking into my eyes with his tilted head. He leaned in and leaned his elbows on his knees. I looked into his eyes. For some reason it seemed unreal. I couldn’t accept the fact that he left his friends to come back and sit there with me in silence. 

»Sup?« he asked and I almost smiled but I was too paralyzed for that. At least in that moment. I shrugged. I didn’t know how to answer. I didn’t get a word out. He must’ve seen that I was hurt because I was so bad in hiding it. I didn’t plan to talk to him, especially because of what he said but nothing went how I planned it anyway. I also couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling. That stressed me a little bit because I wanted to figure out what he was planning. He was the only person that never failed to confuse me. He always did unexpected things. I couldn’t even try to guess what was going to be his next move.

»I’m sorry.« he whispered and bit his lower lip. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion because I was asking myself if he was kidding but I could see how honest he was. He was speaking to me with his eyes. I could’ve sworn that he got emotional or it was just me. I couldn’t believe my ears so I kept listening to check if his words were real. I couldn’t move or open my mouth to say a word. 

»I’m sorry for being so disgusting when I should’ve comforted you.« he continued. His raspy voice gave me goosebumps. He must’ve felt guilty too. He was just good in hiding it. I didn’t think that he would feel like this, although he’s already showed a few times that he wasn’t heartless. I just didn’t expect him to make a step towards me. Especially the fact that he left his friends and came back to me was unbelievable. It was hard to believe. 

»I know that this is stressing you, but it shouldn’t.« he added and I took a deep, shaky breath. »I don’t want to feel like a whore.« my voice was shaking and it sounded weak. He smiled softly. »You would have to do way much more to be a whore.« he said, softly shaking his head. »Don’t think too much. Don’t push it all away, as if you’re doing something illegal. I already told you. Game over is game over. You just need to say it and I’ll leave you alone.« 

There was something in his words that made me feel unbelievable lonely. His words made me feel something that I couldn’t explain and when it came to being lonely... I had so many people around me who were there for me, yet I was still alone. 

I nodded and a tear rolled down my cheek. I didn’t even realize that my eyes got wet or that my hands were shaking. 

He leaned in even more and wiped the tear that already reached my chin, away with his thumb. His furrowed eyebrows showed me that he was worried. He cared. I just looked at him, not saying a word. I bit my lower lip. My chin was shaking. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me into a hug. I didn’t push him away or back off. I leaned on his chest and his hug tightened. My salty tears kept rolling down my face, although I didn’t even feel that I was crying. They were just flowing, on their way to drown me. 

I felt small in his arms. Small and safe. He was warm and he smelled good. I was tired and sad. He placed one hand on my head and that made my heart melt. We stayed like that for a while and I closed my eyes until he whispered »Do you want me to take you home?«. I shook my head and whispered »You can go back to your friends. I don’t want to take your time.« back. He gently kissed my head and the urge to cry got worse but I bit my lower lip again to hold the tears back. My wet face stained his shirt. »Come on. Grab your stuff.« he said and I nodded. I let him go and put my books in my backpack. We stood up and left The Moon. 

We got in his car and I had to think of what happened last night. I had mixed feelings about it all and now I really felt sick. 

I almost disappeared in the seat and he noticed that. 

»Are you cold?« he asked and I shook my head. I watched him. He was calm but distracted. His grip around the wheel and his thighs that moved when he pressed the pedals. I had to smile but I didn’t want him to see it so I looked out of the window. 

We arrived and I already realized that I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to sit in his car in silence for a while. 

Unfortunately it all didn’t go as planned because Graham was in front of the house, watering the plants in front of our windows. He was wearing gloves. He must’ve been working in the garden again. Ezekiel’s dad did the same last night but he looked way cooler and not as cringe and old as Graham. I was so embarrassed that I wanted to disappear in that seat but I had to get out and surprisingly Ezekiel got out of his car as well. I looked at him, trying to figure out what he was doing. He was looking at Graham. His eyebrows were furrowed. I didn’t know what that meant but definitely nothing good. 

He approached me and quietly asked »You good?«. I looked up at him and nodded. Graham walked towards us. His stupid smile embarrassed me even more. I wanted to hide behind Ezekiel’s car. I was asking myself how one person could be that cringe. How did he manage to carry that all on his back? Wasn’t it hurting? 

»Hello!« I looked away for a second. »Hi.« I said. Ezekiel didn’t say anything. He just looked at him from head to toes with a raised brow... he was waiting for something. I hated that moment because it was awkward. The silence was awkward. Graham was awkward. »This is Ezekiel.. Ezekiel.. this is Graham. My mom’s boyfriend.« I said, because Graham was too stupid to introduce himself. He literally waited for me to introduce them to each other. 

»Oh! You must be Ez. Xaviar’s brother!« Graham said, totally motivated and happily. I ran my hand through my hair and looked at Ezekiel, who said »Ezekiel. Not Ez.« coldly. I snorted but kept in my laughter. I looked at the ground and covered my mouth with my hand, giggling quietly. I loved it. It was the best thing that happened to me that day. It literally made my day. He didn’t let everybody call him like that.

»Okay, Ezekiel. Thank you for dropping Valentina off.« Graham said, not showing how pressed he actually was. I enjoyed it at its fullest but tried to hide it because I didn’t want mom to be mad, since I knew that he was definitely going to tell her about this. 

Ezekiel just nodded and I looked at Graham, waiting for him to understand that I wanted him to leave us alone. He probably expected Ezekiel to leave since his “job was done” but I wanted him to leave. He finally got it and turned around. He went back to his flowers and I smiled. They didn’t even get to shake hands. It was really amusing. 

»What the f**k? Who the f**k is that weird fucker?« he asked quietly, still looking at him. I had to laugh. »My mom’s boyfriend, remember?« I said and he rolled his eyes, as if he was pissed. »Mad.« he said and I nodded. 

I liked that we shared the same opinion about him. I remembered how Xaviar was amazed by him. Ezekiel realized immediately how weird he was and that something was off about him. He felt it too, without even knowing him before. I really liked that. He wasn’t blind. 

»Alright. I’ll leave now. Call if...« he didn’t end his sentence because he didn’t know how to. He rubbed his neck and shrugged. »Call Xaviar if you need anything.« he said and made me feel like my stomach dropped. It actually made my whole body go cold but I tried to show it off. I just nodded, actually hoping that he would hug me again but that didn’t happen so I walked inside and he left. He always waited until I was inside, even if I was right in front of his eyes. 

»Where have you been?« mom asked, totally curious. She had laundry in her hands. »I was at The Moon.« I answered, putting my backpack on the ground. »So long?« she asked. I ran my hands over my face and nodded. »You don’t look good. Are you sick?« she kept asking questions. »Maybe a little bit.« I answered. She knew that I didn’t go to school. She was strict but not when it came to that. 

After my dad left us I had some days on which I was really sensitive and weak. Even after years. These days were really hard for me because I was overthinking and feeling too much, so she was fine with me staying at home, as long as I didn’t take advantage of if. It wasn’t one of these days but it was similar to that. 

»God, no. I can’t risk you getting sick and infecting us all. Wouldn’t want to miss church, huh?« 

I felt this heavy feeling in my chest when she mentioned that. Church every Sunday. I loved our religion but I felt like I wasn’t good enough for it. I was a bad sinner. Or at least someone who was ready to sin. 

I shook my head. 

»Go to your room and put some thick socks on. I’ll make you granny’s tea and a healthy soup. Got any fever?« she put her hand on my forehead and shook her head. »Not yet but we’re not going to wait.« she smiled and the urge to cry came back again.

I couldn’t tell her about what was going on. She was talking about church while I sent a guy thirst traps and did things with him that would’ve made her pray to god so he would heal me. She would’ve been ashamed of me. She would’ve blamed herself for not raising me good enough. That made it all worse. The guilt got worse. The urge to disappear got worse. I couldn’t turn back in time and change things, I couldn’t erase what I did and I was ashamed of it when I thought of what mom would’ve thought if she would’ve known. 

»Okay.«

I smiled back and went to my room. I did what she said and almost disappeared in my bed. My blanket was a great partner to cuddle with and it was really warm. It made me feel a little better. Especially the random Netflix movie that I put on distracted me very well. It didn’t take mom long to come in with all the things she has listed earlier. The soup was delicious and after I finished it, the tea had the perfect temperature. It warmed my hands and made me think of the days when dad was still at home. 

He loved tea. He enjoyed making it and drinking it. These days were good. Actually everything was good. It just got worse with time. 

I watched another movie and almost fell asleep when the sun went down and the room got dark but then my phone rang. I grabbed it and answered the call without checking the screen because I already closed my eyes. 

»Hello?« 

»Vale.« the Spanish accent he liked to say my name with made me open my eyes really fast. 

»Ezekiel?« 

»I’m there in five.« he said and I pushed myself up so fast that my head started spinning, although I had no iron deficiency. »What? Why?« I was already putting a thin jacket on because I didn’t want to freeze like last time he showed up in the middle of the night. It wasn’t the middle of the night but almost 11. That was late enough for my mom. 

He hung up and my heart started beating so fast that I almost collapsed. Actually my stomach started hurting of anxiety. I thought of everything. 

Xaviar must’ve found out about everything, he must’ve leaked my pictures without wanting it, I must’ve done something wrong. I did everything wrong. Why was I surprised about this now? 

I was sweating because I was panicking 

I quietly walked out and waited in front of the door. I hoped that he would change his mind and wouldn’t come but then I saw how he arrived. He parked right in front of me and got off the car without even turning the engine off. I walked towards him and he walked towards me and although the streets lights weren’t enough to light everything up so I could see his face clearly, I still noticed how angry he looked.

»What happened? Why are you here?« I asked, already breathing like I ran a marathon. »You know, I went home and chilled and after a while it started clicking. I almost freaked out because it didn’t come to my mind earlier, when I dropped you off.« he explained, looking down at me and pointing at his head. He was furious and impatient. »What?« I was impatient too because he was making it way more mysterious than he should’ve. »That weird ass awkward guy, your mom’s boyfriend.« he continued and got me so confused that I just looked at him with furrowed eyebrows. I had no clue why he thought of Graham and scared me so much when it was just about that man. He acted like something really bad happened and made my anxiety go crazy. 

Maybe he knew him from somewhere and wanted to tell me something about him. 

»What’s with him?« I shook my head. »Is he...« he didn’t continue his sentence because the words got stuck in his throat. »Ezekiel, what?« I grabbed his arms and tried to shake him, unsuccessfully, since he was a heavy monster. »Is he... inappropriate towards you?« he asked and my jaw dropped. I saw how hard it was for him to end his sentence. I looked at him, totally shocked and slowly let him go. »Is that the reason why you don’t like him? Why he’s so awkward?« 

He knew that I didn’t like him. Of course. It was obvious. But I never though that he would think of this or that it would look like that from the outside. I expected everything else but not this. He surprised me again. I didn’t even know what to say because my body went cold. 

As soon as I got myself back together, I quickly shook my head. »No, no!« 

He didn’t seem satisfied with my answer. »Be honest. I’ll kill him right now if-...« I cut him off because it as getting ridiculous. »Ezekiel! Nothing like that has ever happened. He may be awkward, weird or cringe but he is not a creep. Believe me. I wouldn’t stay silent about something like that.« I quickly said. He was still extremely mad and suspicious. »Swear.« he looked right into my eyes. »I swear.«

I didn’t like Graham. But he could’ve never done anything like that to me. He held his distance, knowing that I wasn’t fine with him being my mom’s partner. He knew that I didn’t get used to it and he didn’t force it. 

Ezekiel backed off, took a deep breath and ran his hand over his face. Seeing how anxious and nervous he was about it confused me. His behavior didn’t fit him. It was unbelievable that he actually thought of it and came here to ask me about it. He wanted to make sure that I was okay. I was sure that he really would’ve killed him if my answer would’ve been different. He was worrying. 

»Please calm down.« I said, approaching him again. »I am calm.« he didn’t seem to tell the truth. The thought of it must’ve made him go crazy. »You didn’t need to come here for that.« I quietly said, putting my hand on his arm. He got closer and looked right into my eyes. He grabbed my chin and made me look up at him »Of course I did. If I would’ve been right with my thoughts I would’ve sent him to another dimension.« his deep voice came to the surface again. »Even the fact that you thought of it and came here to check really means a lot to me.« he needed to know that I appreciated it. I didn’t take it for granted. 

He let me go and rubbed his chin. »It’s not normal for me that a girl keeps my mind this busy.« he was nervous and restless. His words did something to me. My heart was pounding really fast. He got all my attention. The street was silent. He was the only noise. The only thing that mattered in that moment. 

»It’s not normal for me that a girl gets on my nerves so much.« he said and he sounded really fed up and pissed about it. I looked at the ground. »I never meant to get on your nerves.« I said and cleared my throat. »You sure? Doesn’t seem to me like that.« he said and I looked up at him. I furrowed my eyebrows. »Wasn’t this conversation about something else?« I reminded him of why he was actually here. How did he go from caring to attacking me? His mood swings were unbelievable. »Whatever.« he said and looked away. I waited a few seconds for him to keep talking. There must’ve been something else that he wanted to say or do but I waited so long that I got tired of it and his behavior pissed me off so I turned around and walked towards the door but he must’ve changed his mind because he grabbed my arm and pulled me back to himself. Before I understood what he did, he pulled me into a close hug. I couldn’t understand why he was doing that. His words were the opposite of his actions. He was really good when it came to confusing me and I was sure that he knew that. 

I didn’t move at first but then I hugged him back. It seemed like these hugs were making him feel good. That meant I wasn’t the only one because they made me feel good too. I remembered when I hugged him when he came in the middle of the night because of Xaviar. It softened him. He probably needed these hugs. He made me question him. Again, I realized that I didn’t know anything about him. We never had a real conversation about normal things, only about all this crazy stuff. I never really got to know him. Maybe I was going to, one day...