Delirium

The king

»Okay, so, we went to the movies and in the middle I thought he was reaching for the popcorn while he was actually reaching for my hand! He wasn’t even trying to hide it! My head started burning when I realized it and when he was holding my hand I had to smile so hard.« I told the girls about what happened the day before. It’s been two weeks since I watched his game and our relationship changed a lot after that. We got closer with every day and I was overwhelmed, although I enjoyed every second of it.

»Wow. What did he do after that?« Alex asked, totally curious and amazed. Leah was listening with sparkling eyes. They looked at me like I was telling them a fairytale. It felt like a fairytale but it was real and I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long. »He looked at me and smiled. I wasn’t even embarrassed. He made me feel so comfortable.« my hands disappeared in the sleeves of my sweater. I was about to act like one of these psychotic fans that swore to never wash their hand because their idol touched it. »Does that mean you’re dating?« Leah asked. She seemed really happy about my situation. They were just as excited as me. That hyped me up even more. Knowing that they had my back and enjoyed it with me made the situation even better than it already was.

»I don’t know.. even if... I’m not sure if we would put a label on it. Things went really fast and so easy. Too easy..« I felt the weight on my chest with the thoughts that came with the sentence. »What do you mean?« Leah asked. They seemed worried because they felt my lack of excitement. »I loved this boy from a distance... for a whole year and now we are so close after such a short time. It happened so fast and way too easy, you know? No arguments, no secrets, no burdens, no ghosting, he didn’t even leave me on read once, nothing like that. Things like these only happen in movies or books or dreams and imaginations. It’s too perfect and I’m scared that something is going to destroy it.« I admitted and felt a lot better after telling them what’s been going through my head for so long. 

Leah looked at me with puppy eyes and laid her head in my lap. We were sitting on her bed in her room. It was a safe place.

»Damn, V. You said if by yourself. It took one year and now the time has come. You’ve been patient for so long and you deserve this all. You deserve the unproblematic time you spend with him. You should be glad that it’s going so fast. Seems like the universe won’t let you wait anymore. Don’t wait for anything to happen, just enjoy the time you spend with him.« Alex was right. I knew that she was right but believing it was hard sometimes when being around him felt like a dream. »I know. You’re totally right. I’m just nervous about it sometimes. Thank you.« I kissed her cheek and slowly moved Leah’s head because I wanted to stand up. I got off her bed and grabbed my backpack. We came here right after school. 

»I’ll leave now. Still need to get dressed. I don’t wanna be late.« I said and smiled at them. »Oh, you’re going to meet him, right?« Leah asked, giving me a crooked smile. I nodded and felt the warmth that came with the thought of him. »Yes. We’re going to hangout with some of his friends and their girlfriends are going to be there too, so...« I blushed. »That’s awesome... but don’t forget us when you get too close with your new gang.« Alex said. I knew she was joking but there was a truth behind it. I bent down and gave them both a kiss. 

I left them and quickly went home. I changed my clothes and did my hair. I chose a short, rose dress, in which I felt really comfortable, and a choker with tiny stars. I grabbed my sneakers and walked towards the door. I wanted to look cute. Not to impress anyone. He was the only one I wanted to impress and I was finally going to meet his friends properly. It seemed like something simple but it was really meaningful to me. Getting to know the people he spent most of his time with was a huge thing because I wanted to be a part of him too and I had to get along with these people. 

Unfortunately I crossed Graham’s way. I sighed when he walked towards me with his hands in the pockets of his ugly pants. They made him look like a grandpa. He didn’t fit my mom a bit.

»Where are you going?« he asked with a soft smile. I wanted to leave without saying a word or throw the vase with flowers on my right at his face but I remembered what my mom told me and what it would mean to her if I would just be polite and respectful. »Meeting some friends.« I kept it short. »You look good.« he said. If he was going to creep on me then I was going to throw hands. I didn’t say a word and started to put my shoes on so he would notice that I didn’t want to talk to him and that this conversation ended right here. He wasn’t going to gain my attention or trust or love with compliments. »Have fun and take care of yourself.« he added when he realized that I wasn’t going to give him attention. I looked at him and nodded. I grabbed my keys and my purse and left. 

When I arrived I noticed that some of his friends were already there. I got a little nervous when he let me in and hugged me. His hugs lasted longer than at the beginning of this all and I still enjoyed every second of it. I hoped that they were going to last forever one day.

»You look... beautiful.« he said after looking down at me. He was smiling. That compliment meant a lot to me and it made me soft. Especially because I saw how honest he was. He was speaking with his eyes. I thanked him and when he kissed my cheek I needed to suppress the tingles in my stomach because otherwise they were going to make me scream. 

We didn’t kiss yet but that was okay. Although I already had crazier and more intimate things on my mind, I knew that it was too early for that. I needed to be patient. I didn’t want him to think that I was a desperate, horny mess 

We joined the others and I noticed immediately what kind of people they were. Positive, funny, chilled people. Most of them were from school so I knew them a little bit. It felt like I entered another world because each of them had different vibes and aesthetics. These people were different than my friends and other people around me.  

I got to know them better after having good conversations with them and after a while the rest of his friends joined us too. We were definitely going to spend the whole evening together and play games or drink something. They were really kind and just as funny as I thought. We didn’t have the exact same humor but that wasn’t a big deal. I got along with the girls very well and enjoyed talking to them. We talked about music and makeup while the guys talked about something else until our conversations collided. We couldn’t decide if we should order food or eat outside. One of his friends mentioned going to an arcade and in my opinion that was a good idea but I couldn’t give them my opinion on it because I was thinking of something else.

I was asking myself if Ezekiel was home... I kept an eye out on the stairs... asking myself if he was up there and if these stairs were really leading to their rooms. It was more like I was waiting for him to walk down there. I couldn’t control it. I didn’t want it. I was just curious. 

»Just like when you spent that night at the police station? I’m sorry but that was kinda funny.« one of them said and ripped me out of my thoughts. I turned to Xaviar and looked at him with raised eyebrows. He was trying to show off that he wasn’t amused by it. It probably made him feel uncomfortable but I had to ask him about it. »The police station?« I asked him and I notice that he didn’t feel like talking about it at all. I wanted to know if there was a badboy in him. If he wasn’t as innocent as he seemed. If he had some secrets and if he was actually troubled. If he was getting in danger sometimes... the most important thing that I wanted was him to be safe. 

»Yeah... just another sleepless night that Ezekiel caused.« he said and put his hand on my thigh. I wasn’t sure if he did that to distract me from the actual subject or because he felt comfortable with it. I did. I definitely did and if he wanted to distract me then he succeeded. His hand on my thigh was like a dream and I wished he would’ve went down a little more. His hand was warm... it wasn’t that big but it was warm and it felt good on my bare skin. Even the fact that he touched my skin made me shiver.

»Uhm, when was that?« I asked, although his hand was all I could think of. I just wanted to know more about it. He tried to change the subject again but his friend snitched on him. »Last week.« he answered and Xaviar gave him a death stare. I was asking myself what happened. Was it so awful that he didn’t even want to mention it? I wished he would’ve felt comfortable enough with me to talk to me about it because it seemed like they all knew about it. 

»Don’t worry, Valentina. The big boss always gets him into trouble. Nothing new.« the other one said and made them laugh. Xaviar smiled but I knew that smile wasn’t real. »Speaking of the devil. There he is. The king.« I looked up when one of his friends mentioned him. My heart started pounding all over my body when I saw him. He walked in and smiled. He was always smiling in that way.. so naturally and real. Smiling fit him. 

»Did you just call me the devil? Are you gossiping about me?« he asked and greeted the guys with handshakes and the girls with nodding shortly. He barely looked at me, what irritated me a little bit because I had other expectations but it seemed like he knew the guy that talked a lot about him very well. Seemed like he was a friend of him too. 

He was wearing a plain black T-shirt with black sweatpants. He had Nike’s that seemed limited. They were shining and I couldn’t spot a crease, as if he was floating around instead of walking like a normal human being. Was he always wearing black? 

»What are you doing here?« Xaviar asked him. I couldn’t tell if he was mad about it or if he was just acting different around him. His mood definitely changed. »I’m living here too, idiot.« Ezekiel answered and made some of them laugh. »I’ll eat something and then I gotta go and exercise.« he added, answering seriously this time. He seemed exhausted. As if something else was on his mind. Xaviar nodded and Ezekiel walked towards the kitchen. I could still see him since there was no wall between the living room and the kitchen. I couldn’t keep watching him. I couldn’t risk it and let them notice that I somehow couldn’t take my eyes off him, so I looked away. 

Xaviar wanted to get us more to drink but I told him that I would do that for him. I stood up and walked straight to the kitchen, trying to not look at him... but I still noticed that he had chicken and rice on his plate. He was eating and typing something in his phone at the same time. 

I got the bottle of cranberry juice and ginger ale out of the refrigerator and noticed that he looked up from his phone without moving his head. He looked at me.. from head to toes. He didn’t say or word or smile or anything else. He just kept chewing and looking at me. I waited a few seconds in case he would say something. Actually I was hoping that he would say something. I wanted to know what he was thinking... what was going through his head. I didn’t even know why I was expecting him to say something. He probably wanted to be left alone. 

Just when I wanted to leave the kitchen he cleared his throat and I knew that it was on purpose. The excitement that it caused inside of me should’ve been illegal. I turned around to him and raised my eyebrows. He took the napkin next to his plate and wiped the corners of his mouth. He looked at me. From head to toes. Then he took a sip from the liquid that was in his glass. I was sure that it wasn’t alcohol. He swallowed and said »Turn around.«. His deep voice was raspier than before. I wasn’t sure if he did it on purpose but I was sure that he knew what it made me feel very well. He didn’t need to know me well to know that. I was still trying to figure out why he wanted me to turn around while he was still looking down at me. Either my dress got dirty and he was going to tell me or he wanted to stare at my butt. Probably the second thing. I expected him to say something else. I still did what he said and slowly turned around. My heart was pounding so hard that I thought it was beating on the outside of my chest. The others would’ve been really confused if they would’ve seen us. I didn’t even know how I would’ve explained it to them if they would’ve seen us because it probably looked stupid. I was waiting for him to say something. Why was I even doing this? Why did I turn around without questioning him? 

»Turn back around.« he said after a few seconds and I did what he said again. I looked at him, expecting him to say more or at least explain me why he wanted this but it seemed like he wasn’t going to give me the honor to hear more words out of his mouth. He just clenched his jaw and started eating again. Was that all? He was weird. I rolled my eyes and noticed that he furrowed his eyebrows. 

I left the kitchen and walked back to the others with the bottles in my hands. I was totally distracted and couldn’t concentrate on them anymore because I couldn’t control my mind. My body was with them but my mind was in the kitchen with Ezekiel. It bothered me so much that I actually wanted to slap myself but I didn’t want the others to think that I belonged into a mental hospital. I just wanted to know why I was feeling this way and why this was happening whenever I was around him. 

»Are you okay?« Xaviar asked when I sat back down next to him. I was irritated so I couldn’t answer him as fast as he expected me to. »Did he say anything that made you feel uncomfortable?« he asked and I quickly shook my head. I wasn’t sure why he expected him to do that. Was he doing that often? Making other people feel uncomfortable with his words? Especially girls? I was thinking too much. »Who? What? No. Everything is alright.« I answered. He seemed satisfied by my answer and let it be. I was glad about that. 

I tried to catch up with their conversation instead of thinking of things that were irrelevant. They were talking about going on a trip and hiking and all that stuff that was a little boring in my eyes and I tried to look interested but I wasn’t sure if my acting skills were good enough for that. I’ve never been a good actress or a liar. I wished I would’ve been. 

Whenever I got mad, annoyed, sad, embarrassed or excited my face gave it away immediately and I couldn’t control it. Every emotion was visible on my face. It was annoying that everybody knew what mood I was in, just by looking at me. Even my body language gave it away. I’ve never been good when it came to hiding my feelings. That was one of the reasons why I couldn’t lie to my mom about anything. She knew immediately what was going on and that was really unfavorable sometimes. Unfortunately I was a little sensible too. Triggering me was really easy sometimes. Hitting the right spot or crossing my line made me show my true colors. It wasn’t in my hand.

»Losers.« Ezekiel’s deep voice ripped me out of my thoughts. I turned around and saw that he was standing there and looking at us. »Party. This Friday.« he kept it short and this time he looked at me. Longer than I expected. In a way that made me so nervous that I looked away. »Clear instruction.« his friend said. 

Did he invite us all like that? Right after calling us “losers”? How uninterested and emotionless he seemed this time almost bothered me. His smile was way more appealing.

He left without saying a word. 

»I love his parties. They are so cool.« one of the girls said. I looked at her. Her name was Vivian. She was right. I loved his parties because that one time was the reason why Xaviar started talking to me and I had a lot of fun. 

»Are we going?« one of them asked. »I have no other choice than being here.« Xaviar asked and they laughed. I smiled at him and he looked at me. »I want you to come.« he said and my brain almost exploded. What he said and the way he said it almost made me scream. It wasn’t the fact that what he said made me feel some type of way because I thought of something else, it was the fact that he wanted me to be there. I wasn’t going to be just there. I was going to be there with him. A lot has changed in this past month and it was getting better. 

»I’d love to come.« I said and put my head on his shoulder when he put his hand on mine. It felt right. That was all that mattered. Everything felt right with him.