Shattered Window

Chapter 23: Even If I Can't Save Myself, I Want to Keep You Safe

After the trip to Alki Beach, the relationship between Lin Yuanzhou and Shen Zhi grew another layer closer. But closer as it was, neither of them broke through that final sheet of paper. Tina was right — they were both holding back. He held back because of his own inferiority — no visa, no job, no savings — what right did he have to speak? What Shen Zhi was holding back, he didn't know, but he could feel that she was waiting for something.

Those two days, Seattle was unusually sunny. The rain stopped, the clouds scattered, the sky was a blinding blue. While making deliveries, Yuanzhou saw several people standing on the side of the road taking photos, as if a sunny day in Seattle was some kind of rare treasure.

But Shen Zhi's state wasn't right.

She started checking her phone frequently. Not scrolling — looking. Pick it up, glance at it, put it down. A few minutes later, pick it up again, glance again. Like she was waiting for a message, or like she was confirming that there was no message. Yuanzhou asked her what was wrong. She said "nothing," but her expression said otherwise.

Friday afternoon, Yuanzhou finished his deliveries early and came back. When he pushed open the bookstore door, Shen Zhi was standing behind the register on the phone. Her back was to the door, her voice was low, but he still caught a few words.

"I told you... stop calling... I'm not going..."

Then she hung up.

After hanging up, she stood there, hands braced on the counter, shoulders tight. Yuanzhou stood in the doorway, not making a sound. After a few seconds, Shen Zhi turned around, saw him, and froze.

"When did you get back?"

"Just now." Yuanzhou looked at her. "Who was that on the phone?"

Shen Zhi hesitated. "Wrong number."

When she lied, her eyelid twitched. Yuanzhou noticed, but he didn't call her out.

"Okay. I'm going upstairs."

He went upstairs, changed clothes, and sat in the living room drawing. After about ten minutes, Shen Zhi came up too, carrying a glass of water. She sat on the sofa, put the glass on the coffee table, picked up her book, flipped two pages, then put it down again.

"You're not going out today?" she asked.

"No. Not many orders this afternoon."

"Oh."

Silence. Yuanzhou drew a few strokes, then looked up at her. Shen Zhi was staring out the window, her finger unconsciously tracing circles on her knee. Since she'd started wearing the knee pads, her knee had felt better, but Yuanzhou knew that what hurt wasn't just her knee.

"Shen Zhi," he called her.

"Yeah."

"Is something wrong?"

Shen Zhi's finger stopped. "No."

"You've been looking at your phone a lot the last couple of days. That phone call just now — it wasn't a wrong number."

Shen Zhi didn't say anything. She looked down, her finger starting to trace circles on her knee again.

"Was it Chen Zhiyuan?" Yuanzhou asked.

Shen Zhi's finger stopped abruptly.

"Did he call you?"

A long silence. Shen Zhi nodded. "He said the dance company has a performance next week. He saved me a ticket. He wanted me to come."

"Did you go?"

"No."

"What else did he say?"

Shen Zhi looked up at him. Her eyes held something Yuanzhou had never seen before — not fear, not anger. Helplessness. The kind of "I don't know what to do" helplessness.

"He said he knows where I live. That he'll come see me often." Shen Zhi's voice was very flat, but that flatness was forced — like a rope pulled to its breaking point. "He said I'm still pretty. That the scar on my face doesn't matter."

Yuanzhou's fists clenched.

"He also said..." Shen Zhi took a deep breath. "That my leg could get better. That he knows doctors. As long as I'm willing to go back."

"Go back where?"

"Back to the dance company."

Yuanzhou stared at her. "Do you believe him?"

Shen Zhi shook her head. "I don't believe him. But I'm afraid of him."

"Afraid of what?"

"Afraid he won't let me go." Shen Zhi's voice finally began to tremble. "Three years. I thought if I moved, changed my number, he wouldn't find me. But he found me. He knows where I am, what I'm doing, who's around me."

When she said "who's around me," she glanced at Yuanzhou.

Yuanzhou understood. Chen Zhiyuan didn't just know where Shen Zhi was — he also knew there was a man by her side.

"How did he find out?" Yuanzhou asked.

"I don't know." Shen Zhi looked down. "Maybe someone from the old company told him. Maybe some other way. He knows a lot of people. He has eyes everywhere."

Yuanzhou leaned back on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. That water stain was still there, like an old map. He remembered what Shen Zhi had said the night she got drunk — "He stood at the edge of the stage and watched me fall." He remembered that image, and something clogged his chest.

"Shen Zhi." He sat up straight.

"Yeah."

"I won't let him touch you."

Shen Zhi looked up.

"I'm not anyone important," Yuanzhou said. "I don't have money, I don't have status, I don't have a job. I can't even keep my own visa. But as long as he's around you, I won't let him touch you."

Shen Zhi looked at him, her lips moving, but she didn't speak.

"Before, you said I shouldn't have bought you knee pads, shouldn't meddle in your affairs." Yuanzhou's voice wasn't loud, but each word was steady. "You were right. Those things weren't my business. But it's different now."

"Different how?"

"Now I want them to be my business."

Shen Zhi stared at him for several seconds, her eyes slowly reddening. But she didn't cry. She turned her head away and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

"You can't even save yourself, and you're worried about me," she said, her voice a little hoarse.

"Can't save myself or not, I'm still worried."

"What about your visa?"

"I don't know. We'll cross that bridge later."

"You have less than two weeks left, and you're still saying 'later'?"

"Shen Zhi." Yuanzhou interrupted her. "Your problem is worse than my visa. The worst thing that can happen to me is I go back to China and start over. What about you? Where do you go back to?"

Shen Zhi didn't answer.

"You don't have anywhere to go back to." Yuanzhou said. "You left the dance company. You moved. You opened this shop alone. If you retreat again, where else can you go?"

Shen Zhi's hands gripped the throw pillow, her knuckles white.

"So don't retreat." Yuanzhou said. "Stay here. If he comes, I'll stand in front of him."

Shen Zhi lowered her head, and finally the tears fell. Not loud sobbing — the silent kind, the kind you try to hold back. Tears dropped one by one onto the throw pillow, soaking small dark patches.

Yuanzhou didn't hand her a tissue. He sat there, watching her cry. He knew what she needed wasn't a tissue — it was someone to tell her "it's okay to cry."

After a long time, Shen Zhi took a deep breath and looked up. Her eyes were red, tear drops still clinging to her lashes.

"Lin Yuanzhou."

"Yeah."

"Why are you helping me?"

Yuanzhou thought for a moment. "Not helping. Protecting."

"Is there a difference?"

"Yes. Helping is temporary. Protecting is..." He didn't finish. Because what he wanted to say was "protecting is forever." But that would have been too heavy. He was afraid he couldn't carry it.

Shen Zhi seemed to understand. She didn't press. She looked down and wiped her tears dry with her fingers.

"About your visa, that lawyer friend of mine..." She paused. "Are you really not considering it?"

Yuanzhou looked at her. "Have you contacted him?"

"Not yet. But if you want me to, I can."

Yuanzhou was quiet for a few seconds. "I don't want you to ask favors for me."

"He's not just anyone. He owes me one."

"What kind of favor?"

Shen Zhi hesitated. "I helped him before. A big favor. He said if I ever needed anything, I could come to him."

Yuanzhou looked at her. He knew Shen Zhi wasn't someone who asked for favors easily. She wrote "thank you" on sticky notes. She hesitated before accepting knee pads. If she was willing to reach out to that lawyer, it meant a lot.

"Don't contact him yet," Yuanzhou said.

"Why?"

"I'll keep looking. If it really comes to it, we'll talk."

Shen Zhi looked at him like she wanted to say something, but didn't. She nodded.

—

That night, Yuanzhou lay in bed, tossing and turning.

His head was full of Shen Zhi's words — "I'm afraid he won't let me go." "He knows where I am, what I'm doing, who's around me."

He thought of Chen Zhiyuan standing across the street. Immaculate suit, gentle smile. But beneath those eyes, there was something else.

Yuanzhou rolled over and buried his face in the pillow.

He wasn't not afraid. He was very afraid. He had no status, no resources, no money. With one word, Chen Zhiyuan could have the police after him, immigration watching him, him thrown out of the country. But what he was even more afraid of was — if he did nothing, there would be no one beside Shen Zhi at all.

He picked up his notebook, flipped to the last page, and wrote: "Today Chen Zhiyuan called Shen Zhi again. She was very afraid. I said I would stand in front of her. I don't know what I'm going to use to do that, but I have to."

After writing, he stared at it for a long time. Then he closed the notebook and turned off the light.

In the darkness, he heard a very soft sound from the next room — not crying, the sound of someone tossing and turning, unable to sleep.

He lay awake in the darkness for a long time.

Before dawn, he made a decision. No matter how many days were left on his visa, no matter whether he could stay, as long as he was in this city for one more day, he would not let Chen Zhiyuan get within arm's reach of Shen Zhi.

Even if he couldn't save himself.