Beyond Her Beauty

CHQTPER 41 (Hesitant√)

I looked at his face, hoping there was an answer in his eyes. But it was blank and unreadable.

“You make an excellent point, Lily.” Then he was quiet.

I thought over everything I said as well as his response.

He sighed. “This really wasn’t what I was hoping we’d talk about tonight.”

“What did you have on your mind?”

Kaden looked up at me as if I must be crazy. “You, of course.”

I tucked my hair behind my ear. “What about me exactly?”

He changed positions, angling his chair so we were a bit closer and leaning in as if he was whispering a secret. “I thought that after you saw that Liezel was fine, things would change. I was sure you’d find a way to care about me again. But that hasn’t happened. Even tonight, you agreed to see me, but everything about you is standoffish.”

So he did notice.

I ran my fingers across the table, not looking him in the eyes. “It’s not exactly you I have a problem with. It’s the position.” I shrugged. “I thought you knew that.”

“But after Liezel—”

My head popped up. “After Liezel, things kept happening. I’ll have a grasp on what being a princess will mean one minute and lose it the next. I’m not like the other girls. I’m the lowest caste here; and Elise might have been a Four, but her family is way different from most Fours. They own so much, I’m surprised they haven’t bought their way up yet. And you were raised in this. It’s a serious change for me.”

He nodded, his endless patience still there. “I do understand that, Lily. That’s part of why I wanted you to have time. But you need to consider me in this, too.”

“I am.”

“No, not like that. Not like I’m part of the equation. Consider my predicament. I don’t have much time left. This philanthropy project will be the springboard for another elimination. Surely, you’ve guessed that.”

I lowered my head. Of course I had, I put my palm on his cheeks. I don't know if it's appropriate but I still did.

“So what am I to do once it’s down to four? Give you more time? When it gets to three, I’m supposed to choose. If there are only three of you and you’re still debating if you want the responsibility, if you want the workload, if you want me … what am I supposed to do then?”

I bit my lip. “I don’t know.”

I removed my palm on his soft cheeks.

Kaden shook his head. “That’s not acceptable. I need an answer. Because I can’t send someone who really wants this—who wants me—home if you’re going to bail out in the end.”

He's right, I can hear the sadness in his voice.

My breathing picked up. “So I have to give you an answer now? I don’t even know what I’m giving an answer to. Does saying I want to stay mean saying I want to be the one? Because I don’t know that.” I felt my muscles tensing, like they were preparing to run.

“You don’t have to say anything now; I'm not pushing you, but by the Report you need to know if you want this or not. I don’t like giving you an ultimatum, but you’re being a bit careless to me.”

He sighed before continuing. “That wasn’t where I wanted this conversation to go either. Maybe I should leave.” I could hear in his voice that he wanted me to ask him to stay, to tell him this was all going to work itself out.

“I think you should,” I whispered.

He shook his head, irritated, and stood. “Fine.” He walked across the room in quick, angry strides. “I’ll just go see what Kriesha is doing.”

And the moment he leaves my room. I'm stuck.

…

I WENT DOWN FOR BREAKFAST on the late side. I didn’t want to risk running into Kaden or any of the girls alone. Before I made it to the stairs, Bridger came walking up the hall. I made an exasperated sound, and he looked around before approaching me.

“Where have you been?” I quietly demanded.

“Working, KITTY. I’m a guard. I can’t control when and where they schedule me.

But of course I always visit your door, your room.”

I wanted to ask why, but this wasn’t the time. “I need to talk to you.”

He thought for a moment. “At two, go to the end of the First at the dark hallway. I can be there, but not for long.” I nodded.

He gave me a quick bow and went on his way before anyone noticed our conversation, and I continued downstairs, not feeling satisfied at all.

I don’t know why I was hesitant last night. Is it because I left one that I haven't fixed yet. Or I'm just afraid someone will get hurt.

I wanted to scream. Saturday being a day-long sentence to the Elite’s Room was really unfair. When people came to visit, they wanted to see the queen, not us. When one of us was princess, that would probably change, but for now I was stuck watching Kriesha pour over her presentation again. She's doing great again and again. The others were reading things, too, notes or reports, and I felt sick to my stomach. I needed an idea and fast. I was sure Bridger would help me figure this out, and I had to start something tonight no matter what.

As if she could read my thoughts, Rhiana, who had been visiting with the queen, stopped by to see me.

“How’s my star pupil?” she asked, keeping her voice low enough that the others wouldn’t notice.

“Great.”

“How is your project going? Do you need any help fine-tuning?” she offered.

Fine-tuning? How was I supposed to tweak nothing?

“It’s going great. You’re going to love it, I’m sure,” I lied.

She c****d her head to the side. “Being a bit secretive are we?”

“A bit.” I smiled.

“That’s fine. You’ve been doing wonderful work lately. I’m sure it’ll be fantastic.” Rhiana patted my shoulder as she headed out of the room.

I was in so much trouble.

The minutes passed so slowly that it was like a special kind of torture. Just before two I excused myself and went down the hallway. At the very end, there was a burgundy upholstered couch underneath a massive window. I sat to wait. I didn’t see a clock, but the minutes passed too slowly for comfort. Finally Bridger came around a corner.

“About time.” I sighed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, standing by the couch, looking official.

So much, I thought. So many things I can’t talk to you about.

“We have this assignment, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t think of anything, and I’m stressed, and I can’t sleep,” I said spastically.

He chuckled. “What’s the assignment? art painting?”

“No,” I said, shooting him a frustrated glare. “We have to come up with a project, something good for the country. Like Queen Karmilla’s work with the poor family and disabled.”