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Chapter 7:Happiness Part One

November 1884, Paris

„Erik, why did you avoid me for so long?"

„Because you were angry."

„I wasn't. Why would I be?"

„You seemed angry."

„Hmm." She looked at him with confusion, furrowing her brow. „What made you think that?"

„I don't know. Your voice. And..." he trailed off. He didn't know how he knew that; he just did.

„And what did you think I was angry about?"

„I don't know", he shrugged. She sat in silence, waiting stubbornly for him to answer. „Maybe because I was... bad."

„Bad?"

„I stole the managers' sweets." Which he saw no problem with, seeing as he was surviving exclusively off of stolen things at that moment. He had nothing that he'd bought, earned, or received other than a set of clothes and one pair of gloves Antoinette gave him when she first brought him home.

„ I told you I wasn't angry about that. And you started avoiding me long before."

„I was bad long before that", he blurted out, not thinking. She was looking at him intently now.

„Don't stare at"

„How long? Tell me honestly. Since when have you been bad?"

„Always. Since always."

She shook her head, looking like she was going to cry. Maybe she finally understood the truth.

„If some other boy – someone who wasn't bad since always – was in your place, do you think I'd be angry with him? That I would have any reasonable cause to be so angry, that he'd have to be afraid and avoid me?"

„No."

„So you were afraid of me simply because you thought I'd realized you're just bad and have always been?"

He didn't want to answer that question. He got up and finished the conversation. She tugged on his shirt lightly, trying to pull him to sit back.

„Wait just a minute, and then you can go. Just listen."

Maybe he could. He was bored without her anyway, and after he left he would have to wait several days before he could speak to her again.

„I think we've had a misunderstanding. But I have an idea how to resolve those in the future."

He nodded.

„Whenever you think I'm angry or something like that, or you're just not sure how I feel, just pretend, or imagine, that instead of you I'm talking to some other boy like I just described. Someone who's not bad. And then you'll know."

„That's stupid. I'm not some other boy." Or a boy in general, he thought. I'm closer to an animal.

„I know you think that, but I don't think that. So just try. If you can't believe it, just pretend you're a normal boy I'm visiting and talking to. I promise you'll never misunderstand me if you do that. Can you try, maybe? You have nothing to lose."

„I could try."

„Thank you." She smiled. „It'll work, I promise."

November 1894, Coney Island

Erik felt so relieved on the day he finally got his arm back that he thought he might break into song and dance as the doctor took the immobilizing cast off of him. He was so beside himself that he barely even noticed that the man was too close to him and touching his shoulder. He wanted to scale a cliff with his bare hands; he had been so trapped in the cast and his head that this small victory overwhelmed him with joy. Seeing as his head was still a mess, having all of his appendages back would have to be enough for now, even if his arm might take some time to regain its previous functionality.

The past few months had been disturbing to Erik, to put it mildly. He was quite certain they had been disturbing to people around him as well. This goddamn episode had stirred some things inside him that he thought he had pushed deep enough not to ever encounter again, and yet, at the first loss of control over this safe little world he had created, they resurfaced just the same. He'd lost control over his body, over his mind, and as he had come to realize, over his heart as well.

Erik spent weeks after the robbery incident waiting for Alina to finally come to her senses and realize she needed to get out of there and out of his vicinity, but she stubbornly persisted even as he made a fool of himself in his dramatic misery. He could not fathom why she was still here, he could not imagine her thinking of him as anything but a monster now that she had seen – and heard – all of that. But she was still here, with that same warm demeanor even after she'd seen his disfigured face and as the thought finally settled in his thick skull, he'd decided it would be better if he made it worth her while.

The only catharsis that came for Erik out of that whole period was the realization that he did care for Alina. Even as he argued with her and avoided her, the thought of her leaving filled him with dread, and he had no more energy to pretend otherwise. He had to admit it at least to himself, seeing as he would never be able to admit it to her, that he loved her. It was a simple truth, but immense in its implications, and once it was out in the open it tinted everything around him with its colorful, dreadful brushstrokes. He thought about it as she left in the mornings, and he wished to take her hand and ask her to stay a little longer, he thought about it during the day when she wasn't there, and he wished to hear her voice, and he thought about it in the evenings when she came back, and he wished to bury his face in her soft, dark hair. It took an insane amount of composure not to reveal what he was thinking. He had resigned himself to simply watch from a distance, terrified of what would happen if he gave any of it away. He had already been given more than he had hoped for. He had no wish to destroy it with his greedy, selfish tendencies.

It was work that occupied Erik in the end and pulled him out of his wallowing. It provided a healthy distraction from things he could not bear to think about. He threw himself into sketching, constructing, and bringing to life numerous illusions and tricks, and it gave him a sense of competence and confidence he had otherwise been lacking lately. Having a new partner where there had only been two of them so far was a sudden, drastic change, but Jack proved to be skilled, adaptable, and smart enough for them all to find a way to cooperate. Erik had to admit everything was much easier now – nothing shook Jack; he was completely calm through situations that would send Alina or Erik spiraling into frustration and anger, and he had a certain sense of business that made negotiating and presenting Erik's ideas end up well-received most times. He was also, thankfully, completely uninterested in Alina in any romantic way. In Erik's mind, he could already see the two of them together when Alina first came to him with the idea to include Jack; it made him panic for days. It seemed, however, that would not happen at all.

Still, the dynamic shifted noticeably, and they all had to get used to it. Jack turned out to be less infuriating than they had previously imagined. Alina and Erik both had to admit they'd grown somewhat fond of his amusing presence and his constant torrent of words. Jack seemed to enjoy their company as well, even as he kept his distance and appeared to sometimes simply observe them with amusement like actors on a stage.

With all that, Alina and Erik finally had some time to breathe since the immense amount of things that still had to be done was split between three people instead of two. Alina started going on more walks and spending time with Yana again. They saved most of their money, so they could get a decent living, but the small amount she did spend, she used on new books and clothes. The small change left a great impact on her – she walked straight again, with more confidence; her eyes had a spark in them whenever she had enough time to read. The two of them also had time to talk again in the evenings, and she often asked Erik to play or sing something for her. He would often oblige, and even though he couldn't make himself express what he wanted to, it would sometimes slip out of him as a gentle shift in melodies and atmospheres. He could never tell if she noticed it or not, but she would be enchanted by the music nevertheless. She would praise him with excitement after every composition, and he shamelessly enjoyed it.

ooo

Winter came again, and one cold morning Erik woke up to see a soft white blanket on the ground.

The world has a way of coming to a standstill on snowy mornings, he thought looking out the window. All movement outside was slow, all sound was muffled. He stood quietly by the window, enjoying the scene. It was ethereal, serene, and he wanted to savor the moment.

Behind him, the door to Alina's room opened abruptly with a loud bang, and she practically ran out, in her nightdress and her hair down and messy, still holding her blanket around her. She stormed through the room to the window where he was standing in a second, opened it, and leaned outside.

„FIRST SNOW!" she started laughing excitedly, eyes sparkling and hair flowing around her face.

Erik's ears hurt, so he automatically brought his fingers to rub his temples. „Who are you yelling for? Everyone knows."

„THE SKY!" she held out her arms high above her.

„I'm sure the sky is aware as well."

„I'm expressing my gratitude!" She kept laughing, leaning through. The cold air bit her eventually, so she begrudgingly got inside and closed the window. She looked at Erik, still messy and unkempt, and so, so happy; it was so contagious. He considered for a moment grabbing her and spinning her around, but he just smiled.

„What is this sudden outburst for? You've seen snow before."

She beamed at him. „I love it! It's beautiful! This is my favorite season!" she stormed off to put water on the stove for coffee.

„I was just thinking that when you ruined my moment." Erik chuckled. „It was very romantic before you stormed in like a cavalry."

„Nonsense! I am the messenger of joy and love!" she laughed before settling down. „Amelija and I would always get a little crazy this time of year. I love snow, and holidays are coming soon, and I hope you're aware I will make a very big deal out of it all."

I'm afraid to ask. „In what way?"

„I will decorate the house, and you'll help me." He didn't care about decorating or holidays for that matter, but she was so happy he might do it. „I'll get us some nice wine for a change, and I'll make cakes, traditional ones, so if you don't eat them you'll be offending my entire culture. And then my great-grandma's ghost will come and haunt you."

„I won't notice the difference. What's one more Borichevich pestering me every day?"

She slapped his arm lightly in the same manner Antoinette used to. „That's not fair! I'm nice! Granny would just follow you around telling you to comb your hair and trying to correct your posture."

„The same, then."

Rolling her eyes, she continued. „There will be presents as well. I'm trying to think of something for Yana, and maybe Jack. I already have yours."

„I don't want - you already have it?" This took him by surprise; he wasn't expecting one and didn't know how to react to it. „What is it?"

„I'm not going to tell you, you spoiled child! December barely started, you're getting it on Christmas day like the rest of us!"

„Sorry, I just didn't think – I had no idea you'd get me something. I don't have anything for you yet." He suddenly became aware of how pathetic that probably sounds. „Why are you doing this?"

„Because I want to. You're dear to me, and you're getting a gift, and that's the end of it." She crossed her arms, trying to look strict, but he could see a blush creeping up her face, slowly and adorably. Erik couldn't help but smile at the sight.

„I'll just have to take this seriously, then. Is there anything you wish for specifically?"

„I don't know – you don't have to get me anything! But if you want to, I'll be happy, whatever you choose. It's the sentiment that counts, isn't it?"

„I suppose so." Was he brave enough to give her something that would show his actual sentiment? He would have to think about it. Meanwhile, they needed to go. „You should hurry with that coffee. Jack is waiting for us. I need to give him the new papers, and you need to discuss finances with Tilyou."

„I'll be ready in a moment."

She won't, of course. Erik took some more time to enjoy this morning while she got dressed. She came out of her room just as he decided to try knocking, wearing a familiar fur hat.

„Hello again. I forgot you had that hat."

„I forgot where I put it, which is why it took so long. I haven't worn it since February", she looked into the window to fix her hair. Maybe it's time I bought us a mirror. „It's so strange, remembering when I last had it. We had just arrived, remember? Everything has changed so much."

„You're right. I hadn't thought of it before. It's like a different lifetime."

„Yes. This city was so strange to me, you were so strange to me, when I think about it, I completely forgot about that, these days I'm much happier and much less confused around you", she said quickly in one breath, hoping she wouldn't blush again, and turned around. „Alright, we can go."

Lately, she had been planting subtle remarks like these often when she talked to him. Erik couldn't tell what she meant by them, but he savored them just the same. Maybe he could be a tiny bit more open as well, he decided. She was right: a year ago he couldn't have imagined this, the two of them as friends and her smiling at him so often. Times had indeed changed; it might be time for him to shift as well.

ooo

As the weather grew cold, the children grew jittery and tired. They wanted to be left home for the holidays; not to mention it was harder for them to get up for school on cold dark mornings. Alina could understand them. She had to think of new ways to make them interested, so she organized different activities – she made all the kids write little essays on how they celebrate seasonal holidays, and she took them on small trips around, so they could play in the snow during the day and let out the extra energy. She wanted the school to have a choir, but they needed someone to lead it, someone to teach them and someone to arrange the songs. She realized Erik could probably write them down for her and arrange them, but she'd have to let someone else lead it. Since they were all very busy already, she'd have to put that on hold for now. Especially since some kids don't even have proper winter clothing. The school had to organize and get them some; every time Alina would see a child shivering on the way to school she wanted to scream and break things. So she went door-to-door asking people to donate. She organized sales, and events in the school, to get enough old children's clothes so that they didn't have to freeze in class. She had to engage in several more arguments with her benefactors who seemed to think she was just demanding more and more nonsense from them, not realizing a child couldn't learn to read and write if they're dying of whooping cough or tuberculosis. The results were not perfect, but they were something. The worst of winter would come after Christmas, after all. If she kept pressing people, she hoped they'd have enough by then. Alina thought the poor kids' parents would complain and get offended when she offered them spare clothing, but to her surprise, they were mostly... to put it frankly, more people gave her teary hugs than she had ever expected them to. It was uncomfortable, sometimes, but Alina had to admit – she liked being appreciated for something she'd put a lot of effort into.

Jack closed his shop shortly after the first snowfall; tourists barely came this late in the year. He mostly stayed with them helping Erik or discussing nuances with Tilyou. The park was said to open in late spring; Jack was overseeing some work to make sure they were following Erik's instructions carefully. He showed Alina some of them – there was a whole attraction which was essentially a maze made of moving mirrors controlled by one hidden operator, and several other – obstacle courses, so to speak. He'd designed various buildings and a Ferris wheel, and he'd added more mechanical toys and instruments that play on their own. Alina was amazed.

„How did you learn to make this? When? This is... I don't know, I'm speechless. How are you so good at so many things?" she couldn't stop looking at them.

„I picked it up here and there. I found blueprints of the Opera building, they kept them after it was made. I watched how they made things back at the circus because I had nothing better to do. Besides, I read a lot. I always have. I used to steal all the books I could find when I couldn't get them through normal means."

„This is incredible. You're very talented." She finally tore away from the plans to look at him.

„It's nothing. I just... learned. I had nothing to do." He fumbled a bit, adjusting his mask, scratching the back of his head.

„A lot of people have nothing to do, but they don't learn to make such amazing things. Give yourself some credit."Alina was beginning to realize she shouldn't insist on complimenting him too much because he seemed to be physically unable to accept it. It still means something. We should tell him nice things more often. He doesn't seem to be aware at all.

ooo

Amelija,

I'm writing to tell you two things – first, you won another bet. I'm not going to tell you which one because I want you to suffer a little more before you find out.

Second, I want to wish you a merry Christmas. Today I woke up to the first snow of this season, and I thought of you. I'm sorry we can't spend this Christmas together – but I'll be making our traditional cookies so at least the Yankees will learn SOME proper culture. Bastards wouldn't know olive oil from lard and coffee from... whatever it is they drink. I miss real Turkish coffee. I'll be making those little folded paper stars grandma taught us how to make – if I can still remember how we made them, of course. Pray for me.

I'm going to celebrate with some friends I've made here - I wish you could meet them; I think you'd like them. Erik is very Erik agreed to help me with the Christmas celebration and I fully intend to take advantage of him. I'm inviting Yana as well – I hope her job moves from this standstill soon – and Jack, I have a feeling you'd love Jack, he reminds me a bit of you (by which I mean he has a big mouth, and he's very annoying). We should arrange for you to come to visit sometime when we get a nicer house.

How are you doing? How are mama and Tata? Send them my love if they're done ignoring me, but if they're not, just let them stew some more. I hope you'll have a nice Christmas this year; although I'd say it will be quite boring without me there to be snappy and inappropriate. Tell cousin Jelka I'm betting your hairpins on mama being the center of the first argument this year.

Love,

Alina.

Alina knew how to make the little folded paper stars. She knew how to make them; she just had to remember the steps. She'd done this a thousand times, and she still forgets it every year. I don't know how to make them anymore. I have to remember how to make them! She threw her hands in frustration, looking at the table filled with small strips of paper. Many of them were crumpled up or ripped, and others folded in unfinished star shapes. Now she'd have to clean this all up.

„Do you need any help with that?" Erik offered from his side of the table, not looking up from his drawings.

„No, I just... we used to make them every year, and every year I forget how they're made, and then I have to guess it step-by-step again. It's harder without mama and Amelija. I think Amelija knows by now." She stared at the paper stubbornly.

„You could just ask her."

„Yes, I could", she nodded, „but her answer won't arrive on time. I want to have some for Christmas."

„It doesn't matter that much. You can make other decorations, and I'm sure it'll still be lovely", he said absentmindedly.

„It does matter!" the stupid paper strips were infuriating to look at. „It matters because we all used to make them together, and now they're all thousands of miles away and I have to make them so I don't forget!" she felt her vision getting blurry.

He looked up for the first time. „So you don't forget?"

„So I don't forget what we did! No one here... on this backward continent does it the same way! I know there are Croats here but I'm not around them much! They have different habits, and different faces, and no one here knows how to make paper stars! And now I can't just go back and ask how exactly we did it!"

„Do you want to? Go back?"

Alina sighed. „No. I just want to remember where I came from. What these holidays used to mean to me and people in my hometown. I don't want to forget who I am. And these... things, these traditions, have always been important to Amelija, and... I miss her, that's all. I miss them all."

He was looking at her, but once again Alina couldn't tell what he was thinking through the goddamn mask.

„What else did you make? Aside from the stars?"

„We would put a wreath on the table with four candles, and light one each Sunday", she started to remember. Erik noticed her eyes glinted slightly. „And we'd plant wheat on st. Lucy, and then it would grow by Christmas. And we'd put a big fir branch somewhere in the living room and decorate it because no one wanted to bother chopping down a tree. And we'd sing a lot, Christmas songs and whatnot. Amelija loves to sing. We both do", she concluded, smiling.

„How do you say 'Merry Christmas' in Croatian?"

„Sretan Božić."

He repeated it back, only semi-horribly.

„That's not bad", she laughed in surprise, „ You have a good ear for languages. Maybe that's why you learned English so fast."