The chronicles of Layla

Another shade of him!

The pain felt of being judged of something you didn’t do was far worse than something you did. Emotions make humans. They are uncontrollable. Sometimes you feel them but when it’s too much to handle, you don’t anymore. My life before now had an adjective. I planned for the future. Now, I’m a passenger of my own feelings. No matter where it took me, I followed without a word uttered. I didn’t have the strength to fight the battle anymore. Perhaps Dr Beth just did her job. Offering compassion to broken souls. She didn’t know me. I wish I knew myself too.

Walks with Ummi were the highlight of my day. We haven’t been out lately and I was beginning to miss it. Ummi was diabetic and she hasn’t been keeping well for the past week. Today I decided to visit Grandma Blue. I told Uncle Ash about My plans and he told Adam to accompany me. Now I was at the base of the staircase waiting for him to get ready.

“You’re good to go” I heard him say from behind.

“Yes. I’m all set.” All giddy and ready to see her

“You’re happy today. I’ve noticed you’ve been off since your visit to the Doctor.”

“No, it’s nothing. And I’m happy because I can’t wait to see her.”

“We don’t make you happy.” His hands on his chest like he was in pain. I never knew he could be so dramatic. I laughed. A chuckle kind of laugh

“No. You do. Very much. I’m just extra happy.”

“Did I just see you laugh? Did I just make you laugh?”

“Yes. You did. I never saw this side of you.”

“Which side?”

“The playful one.” He laughed and walked pass me saying “You haven’t seen any side of me.”

Yes I haven’t. I was always oblivious to everything around me. I replied to myself. I followed behind him while walking in long strides trying to catch up his pace. I told him to slow down which he kindly did. We walked side by side each in our own worlds till he cut the silence with a question.

“Can I ask you a question?” Weirdly I Always didn’t like that question. It always felt serious. It’s serious. I was freaking out but but I tried to play it cool and muttered a Yes you can.

“You’re tense. It’s nothing serious. Just wanted to know when you plan on going back to school.” I let out a deep breath I didn’t know I was holding. I had a feeling this wasn’t the question he wanted to ask.

“Well I never thought of it. Wanted to handle things step by step.”

“I thought it will keep your mind of things. Like when you’re occupied with school activities.”

“No. I think I’ll just fail. I just want to concentrate on my baby.”

“That makes sense. Take your time.”

“So it’s my turn to ask a question.” He seemed amused but he answered.

“Yes of course. It’s not necessary that you should ask because I did but go ahead.”

“What do you think of me? I said meekly and smiled and held the hem of my dress. He stopped in his tracks and turned to look at me. His hands were now on my shoulder which he used to turn my whole body to face him. The moment was so intense. I couldn’t read his face. This was the Adam I knew. The expressionless one.

“I think of you as a winner. A strong woman who wants to pass this test. The girl I knew has blossomed into a mature lady who wants to fight but have no idea how too. The outspoken Layla has got her wings clipped. But it’s something that takes time to grow but it does. Believe me it does. There might be bruises and scars but the end justifies the means. You know Layla. A lot of people have asked me why I bother less about things anymore. I always told them, God has promised me With every hardship comes ease. I believed in it. I found peace. When you believe in fate, life becomes easier.” He looked at me deep into the eyes with so much sincerity. A tear dropped from my eye as I listened to him. He used his thumb to wipe it away.

“Thank you Ya Adam. “

“It’s okay. You know I’m a motivational speaker at our weekend ta’aleem in the mosque”

He playfully pat his shoulder.

“Wow. I’m just knowing. I’d love to listen someday.”

“Don’t worry. You can come with me this Sunday. We use a sound system so you can hear from the ladies section.”

“InshaAllah(if God wills). I look forward to it.

We had small conversations till we reached Grandma Blues door. It had a garland of lilies beautifully placed with a welcome calligraphy written in the middle. It wasn’t here last time or I haven’t noticed. This was the longest conversation I had with Adam since a long time. I could remember we used to play as kids before they moved to England. But today, it was different. It’s like meeting a stranger and then talking about anything and everything.

Inside, the woods were burning by the fire place which gave it warm cozy feel.

“Oh Layla it’s good to see you again. And thank you for reuniting with my long lost boyfriend.” She wasn’t looking at Adam but he laughed before approaching us and engulfing her with a hug.

“Girlfriend, Ive been so busy I couldn’t stop by but I promise I’ll change.”

“No it’s okay. I’m completely over you. Someone special has taken up your space.”

“Wow. Tell me you’re joking. You can’t find a guy like me. I’m rare.”

“Well I did mind you. It’s not guy that filled up the space. It’s someone I met once. There’s something about the persons aura. So calm and peaceful. So don’t mind trying to get back.”

“Gosh. I’m deeply hurt.” He fell on the chair as we moved more into the sitting room. I watched them with eyes full of amusement.

“I can see you two are best buddies.” I chipped in. She looked at him with a warm look in her eyes and smiled. “Yes Layla. Adam is the best human I know. When my son left for the army and they went on a mission where rumors came back that some people passed away. I was devastated. I always sat by the lake and threw pebbles in to pass away time. Guess who was there always! Adam. He never said anything. Just threw pebbles in like I did. He sat ten feet then he started getting closer and closer by the days. On the last day, we threw pebbles and stood up to leave. He walked me home thou I could see the agitation on his face with my tiny steps. But he still went through it and brought me home. While he was leaving, he asked me what I believed in. Was my son dead or not? I told him I didn’t know what to believe in. He smiled and bade me goodbye. I thought everything throughout the night. The next day I told Adam I believe he’s still alive till I see his dead body. He said that’s hope. It helps you survive.” The tears in her eyes and the smile on her face were a mixture of the adoration she has for Adam.

“You know I will do anything for the woman who gives me the best foods in the world.” Adam said laughing. He was embarrassed. He is so compassionate. His words few but strong.

“Sit and I’ll serve you the best beef and vegetable casserole you’ll ever taste.” The thought of it made me more hungry. Adam moved to the dinning table while I went to the kitchen to help bring the plates and cutleries out.

“No layla. I can do this.” She said brushing me off.

“I’m just going to bring the plates out. Where are they?” She showed me the drawer and I pulled them out. The table already had a floral tablecloth perfectly laid out as I went back to the dinning room.

“I can’t wait for y’all to try this. I added a few ingredients to the dish today.” Grandma said as she approached us. We all sat around the table and got a fair amount served onto the plates. It was accompanied with an orange juice. My taste buds tingled as I ate the first bite. I hummed in appreciation. Adam complimented her through out the whole meal.

“Layla. Are you busy this week?” Grandma blue asked while I was helping her clean up the kitchen after we were done.

“No! Why do you ask?

“You know I volunteer at an orphanage right? Ella, the other volunteer called me and told me she won’t be able to make it again. She’s moving to Cardiff. Was wondering if you’ll be interested.

“I’ll be delighted. I’ve been lazing around for long. It’s not me. Time to work it out.”

“I’m glad you look forward to it. They are good kids.”

“I love kids. Good or bad. They are adorable.”

“I can see you have one on the way.” She said winking.

“Yeah. So the bump is out already.” I let out a nervous smile. She held my hand for a while and we both didn’t utter a word. I almost forgot about Adam’s existence their if he didn’t break the silence by coughing. He was there all along. He didn’t understand him. One time he was all out and open and the other he was there but falling in oblivion.

It was getting darker so we bade Grandma goodbye with a promise of meeting on Saturday morning. She teased Adam about who her rival was that she wanted to be prepared for a fight. He laughed a brushed her off. Outside her warm crib was a brewing storm.

“I think you guys should stay here for tonight. I don’t think you can make it in this cold.” I looked at Adam as if waiting to here what he had to say. Giving him the chance to decide what our fate was going to be tonight. He denied her offer and and said it was going to be okay. I felt naked with a thousand of ice cubes placed on me. Adam placed his hands on mine through the gloves and brought it to the pocket beside his jacket. I didn’t know what he was thinking. He could have just wrapped my whole body in his jacket then I will know he was taking responsibility. We started taking few steps at a time. I realized he didn’t do it to reduce what I felt. In every situation in life, when you have a companion close by, it’s better. It showed me that the two of us will get through it. I leaned in closer and we took few steps till we reached home.

Everyone was seated in the parlor waiting for our arrival. I guessed so by the way they all approached the door after Adam unlocked it with his key.

“Oh My God. Look at you both. Drenched to cold. Please hurry and get changed. This will surely lead to a fever. Oh God Layla, you need to take care of yourself. You’re with a child.” Ummi scolded as she dragged me to the room I shared with Aisha. I sheepishly apologized for my carelessness before entering the bathroom. The hot water cascaded down my back as the shower rushed. I wished to stay there forever.

I saw a think cotton pajamas on the bed and a pair of socks. Ummi is such a darling. I wore the clothes and moved closer to the heater. The instant warmth cocooned me. I took out my phone from the sling back and went through the call log till I found the contact I was looking for. Mama. Constant delivered calls but no received or missed ones. Does she really hate me that much to the extent of not answering any of my calls? The last time I talked to Baba was a day after I reached England. The thought of the conversation made my skin crawl. The coldness in his voice made me freeze.

I heard a soft tap on the door before I could finish drowning in my sorrows. I knew it was Ummi. Everything about her was calm. She knocks as if she didn’t want to hurt it.

“Come in.” I cleared my throat while saying. She came in with a tray with a mug placed on it and Aisha hot on her heels. I thanked her and collected the hot mint cocoa from her. The first sip relaxed my nerves and I leaned in more on the couch beside the bed. She asked about my health before leaving the room. I felt fine except for the slight cold.

“Ahmad’s parents are visiting next week.” Aisha blurted out. I’ve never seen her like this. Shy and quiet.

“ Really?! I’m so happy for you Habibty. But why do you look like that.”

“Like what?”

“You look confused and unsure. Is everything okay?”

“Layla. I don’t know. This is the biggest decision I’ve ever taken in my life. I’m choosing my life partner. The person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. The man whom is going to father my kids. I know I love Ahmad. In fact it was love at first sight. We are really cool but I don’t know if there’s more to what he shows me. I’m kinda scared about marriages these days. I don’t want to be a victim. We talked about these things and he has assured he’s non of that. I held her shoulders and pulled her into a hug.

“I’m sorry Aisha. You should be happy. You don’t need to freak out. All necessary research has been done about him. We all know he’s a good person. Everyone loves him. He’s responsible and he loves you fisabilillah. Has he ever given you any reason to doubt his loyalty or character? No! Then please don’t be a pessimist and pray earnestly for you new life. Everything is going to be okay. All you need and will ever do is God. He never disappoints.” She was sobbing by the time I was done. Talk about the devil. Aisha’s phone rang and it showed Ahmad’s picture with the name Amour. She picked the call and when out to the balcony. Was always shy of talking to him in front of others. I heard a tap on the door and I rose to open it. To my surprise it was Adam holding a glass of water and a bottle of Aspirin.

“Ummi said I should take responsibility and I thought this might do.” He said handing it out to me with a small smile on his face. I held out my hand and he placed two tablets in it. I collected the glass and gulped down the warm water and aspirin. I handed back the cup to him. We stood there in awkward silence before he crooks his neck to the side and looked more intently into me. As if he could see right across me.

“You look red Layla.” He said it curiously. Like he has never seen someone looking reddish before. Like a child seeing something for the first time. His heated gaze made me laugh nervously. I was speechless. Yes! I turn red sometimes due to different reasons and circumstances: But I don’t know. I’m I supposed to say that? He tilted his head to the other side waiting for a reply. To agree or to disagree? The door being slapped shut was the last thing I thought of doing. But I did. Adam was one curious cat. Today was a different day. In a bright light. Hope tomorrow will be better. Those were the thoughts I slept with as I laid on my side of the bed after my nightly routines.