The chronicles of Layla

Picking up the pieces!

My phone call with Lisa brought all the memories I didn't want to remember. Memories I want to forget forever. The ones I can't remember happening. They came flowing like a river. I saw the images, I heard my cries and his sinister laughs. He found joy in my helplessness.

Psychologist call it repressed memories. They are memories that have been unconsciously blocked due to the memory being associated with a high level of stress or trauma.

But I call it forgetting and healing.

My body shook as I remembered his hard grip on my thighs or how he took his time to strip me naked while I struggled against the ropes around my hands. I've never felt more exposed in my life. I dragged my body to the toilet and laid in the bath tub with the shower washing away his dirty self. I cried till no tears came out. Then I heard Aisha's voice by the door calling out my name.

"Layla are you okay? We're so worried out here"

"Layla Habibty, please come out. It's all going to be okay." That was Ummi. She sounded like she was about to cry anytime soon.

I wanted to tell them it's okay, they didn't have to be worried about my broken pieces. I felt like anytime soon, I was going to hurt myself with a part if I didn't mend them properly. Steady and slowly. Doctor Beth told me, she might not be a psychologist but she knows I'm going through something but I'll survive it because I have the will to live. That's all one needs.

I moved closer to the door and muttered an incoherent "I'll be out in a minute."

"Okay. Take your time. We're out here if you need us." Ummi's voice was laid with concern. The reflection in mirror was hideous. I opened the tap and splashed a handful of water on my face. It felt refreshing. I repeated the action a few times before closing the tap. The towels were neatly arranged on the rack so I picked one and tied it around my chest after I removed My wet clothes. The hand dryer was already plugged to the socket. This has to be Aisha's doing. Ummi always scolds her for this. Their morning banters always made me laugh. I switched it on and dried my hair.

When I came out, Ummi and Aisha were on the bed both in their own thoughts. I said the dua(prayer) when leaving the toilet. It never was a daily thing for me but Nadiya always does it loudly. Good habits I wanted to pick up.

"Ummi, I'm sorry." I said a bit apologetic. I promised not to cry. I made a vow to tell her when ever I had a problem. I broke both.

"Oh My dear, What have you done to yourself? What are you doing to yourself? I hate to see you like this. What do you want us to do? Did anybody offend you?" Ummi pulled me into a warm hug. I felt tears rolling but this wasn't a sad one. I was happy. The coldness in my heart wasn't doing me any good. I needed a warm hug. Like this one. I felt happy.

"I just had a mental breakdown Ummi. I think I'm okay now." Aisha stood up from the bed and engulfed us all in a hug. The twins came in too and shouted "girlies hug" they rushed and joined in too. It was winter in London but at that moment, it really felt summer. What an odd expression!

Later in the evening, Ummi suggested I join her for her daily strolls in the Park. She more like dragged me saying it was good for her grand baby. For some weird reason, I blushed every time the word "baby" is said out loud.

I opened Aisha's cupboard to get a warm coat and a pair of gloves.

"You need to go winter shopping Layla." Ummi said as she strode in with a basket from the laundry.

"Yes Ummi, I'm embarrassed of using Aisha's clothes everyday.

"What nonsense? Aisha is your sister. You can use her clothes as much as you like. Just thought it will be fun and you can get to choose according to your style. Hurry up now. Let's go. I want you to meet someone special." She finished with a soft smile.

"Thank you Ummi. You're so kind." I grabbed Aisha's knee length boots and Ummi put a muffler around my neck. She held my hands and led my outside.

"Honey, we're going out." She called out to Uncle Ash.

"Okay. Come back soon."

I loved their closeness. It wasn't all out and romantic. They respected each other and showed love through subtle ways. I call them couple crush. Not that I think of it, but when I look at them I just wish for something just like theirs.

She held my hands and led the way. The temperature was a little over zero degrees. It sent chills down my spine.

"How can you come out everyday in this cold?" My teeth were cracking.

"It's cold but it's refreshing. It helps me think things through."

"Well my brain is frozen now." That made Ummi laughed.

"Don't worry you'll get used to it."

"We're going to do it again."

"Yes. As a matter of fact, everyday. It helps with the baby."

"Ummi, why haven't you said anything about the baby yet?" Embarrassment marred my face

"What do you want me say? I don't say anything when I have no idea of the full story. I trust you. You can talk to me when you're ready." She said fondly while pressing her hands.

"Hello Mrs Asiya." An old woman with a radiant face said waving at us as we reached a house.

"Hello Grandma Blue." Ummi waved back too. "We are here. Let's go in Layla"

"You make Me feel old. I'm as young as the twins." She said teasingly

"This is my daughter Layla." Ummi introduced me. Grandma Blue Pulled into a hug.

"I'm Catherine. This naughty daughter of mine keeps calling grandma Blue because Blue is my favorite color. And indeed she was wearing a blue gown. Ummi laughed and she invited us inside for a cup of hot cocoa with mint and freshly baked pumpkin pie. The yummiest I've ever tasted. We chatted our way through out till we decided to leave.

"Visit me soon Layla. We can bake pumpkin pies together.

"Thanks Grandma Blue. I will soon."

"She likes you. No one is allowed close to her kitchen but you're going to help her bake. You're a gem Layla. Ummi's words warmed my heart. I hugged her before replying.

"I like her too and You're also a gem Ummi. I'm glad I came out with you today.

I got to know that Grandma Blue's husband died along time ago and her only son left for the army. She stayed alone but volunteers at an orphanage on weekends. Ummi met her during one of her walks and they became friends. I can't wait to meet her again.