Scarred till you

Chapter 4 - Jerrica

OMG, I have never had anyone affect me the way Sean has. My heart seems to have forgotten how to beat correctly and it feels like it is about to jump out of my chest and let’s not forget the heat from between my legs where I can already feel the wetness saturating my panties. Everything in me was screaming to run back out to his car and let him take me. I have never had a man make me feel so wanton.

Dylan and I had met in my first year of college and he had been charming, but my body never reacted to him that way. He wined and dined me and never once pressured me for anything. I thought I had found the perfect man. The one drawback is my dad hated him. He was decent to him only because I had chosen him.

I was the envy of all the girls on campus and, while I didn’t usually care about what others thought, I was secretly ecstatic that I had found someone who cared for me. I had been teased while growing up because I wasn’t stick thin and didn’t conform to the normal definition of a girl. I was never fat but I did have issues with my self-image. I had always thought my breasts, hips and butt were too big and it didn’t matter what type of diet I tried, I never lost anything in those areas. That, along with my wanting to play sports, hike, fish, and hunt, didn’t fit in with the cool girls in school so I was teased mercilessly by those who didn’t understand me. I learned early on to let it go and not let it affect me, but at night, alone in my room I would go through the events of the day and I would pour my emotions into my diary. It was the only thing that helped keep my emotions in check. Now I was the envy of all these girls because I had the hot-shot football player wanting me.

His true colors came out only after my dad passed away. He had battled melanoma that had traveled to his brain and the tumors ended up taking my father away long before his death. In the end, he couldn’t communicate with me and the pain he was in before his passing had him drugged out on morphine. I had been praying to God for him to die peacefully in his sleep and then chastising myself for wishing death on someone. I had never seen my dad so weak and to watch this once virile man become a shell of who he used to be was another form of torture.

After the funeral, Dylan pushed to get married. He had graduated and was ready to settle down and wanted me by his side. He had a job lined up with the Sherriffs office and he wanted to get started on showcasing the perfect image to his employer. It was a huge fight because I still had 2 years to go before I had my bachelor’s degree and I wanted to wait. But after my dad died, I felt remorse for not being able to have him walk me down the aisle and Dylan used those exact words against me until I finally gave in and agreed to marry him.

We went to Hawaii on our honeymoon. It should have been perfect, but it ended up being a hint of what my future was going to look like. We were staying at one of the resorts on the beach and were having a nice dinner when I accidentally spilled my wine. The red liquid moved along the table towards Dylan and ended up dripping on to his favorite pair of white shorts. I know wine is hard to get out, but the shorts were like $20 at any retail store. We could have easily picked him up a new pair, but Dylan lost it. He was yelling at me and telling me what a klutz I was and how could I be so f*****g stupid when the restaurant manager stepped in to try to defuse the situation. I was so humiliated I grabbed my purse and ran up to the hotel room. When Dylan came in later, he smacked me so hard against my cheek that I saw stars and had to fight to to not lose consciousness. He told me I embarrassed him tonight and that he would never accept that from anyone underneath him. He slammed out of the room and didn’t come back until the next morning. I sat in the bathroom all night with the door locked shaking, crying, and scared.

When he came back, he had sat me down to let me know how sorry he was. He finally had everything he wanted, and he said he was feeling the pressure to provide for me and was scared that he wouldn’t live up to my expectations. That I was worth so much and that he was so afraid of losing me that he just snapped. He was right, I was stupid because I accepted his apology and his promise that it wouldn't happen again. He then took me to bed and had s*x. I was a virgin at the time and while everything I knew about s*x was what I had read or watched on tv, I knew this wasn’t it. He busted through my hymen with no words of undying love or caresses. Once he finished, he rolled over and went to sleep. That was the day after our wedding and my first introduction to s*x with Dylan. I couldn’t understand why everyone thought it was so amazing. To me it was something to do to keep your man satisfied and I did it only to avoid fighting with him.

The next 6 years were hell and each time I would forgive him for whatever he did. I was miserable and sinking into a depression that seemed to never end. When I had heard from a friend that they had seen Dylan at one of the higher end restaurants in town with another woman, I snapped. I had finally had enough. I wanted us to be over before he killed me because it was fast approaching. I called my best friend, Shay, and told her what was going on. Her screams were heard all around Missoula without the help of any cellular device. She was the one that started helping me with a plan to break free from the slimeball abuser I had been duped into marrying. It took 6 months of savings and hiding stuff in a storage unit till I had everything together. Luckily, I had a great job as an ER Nurse at the hospital and the pay was great. My checks were supposed to cover the car payments, credit cards, and other incidentals, but I let Dylan know my hours had been cut at work due to staffing issues and while I had to hear an earful about how I was lucky I still had a job, he started covering some of those expenses. I was able to squirrel away enough money to get a rental truck, pay for the gas, and put down a deposit and first and last months rent on my new home. I even had extra money when I cashed out my 401K. I would have to take the hit on taxes, but it would be worth it. Shay didn’t want to know where I was going because she didn’t want Dylan to know anything. She was willing to let me go without any knowledge just so I could be free.

Now here I am day dreaming of this guy like a teenager and wondering why my body was reacting so differently. Maybe it was because he was being so polite. He hasn’t touched me at all and has been the perfect gentleman by taking me home and offering to pick me up tomorrow to bring me back to get my car. Oh crap, my car. I needed to find my keys. I walked into the kitchen and found them sitting on the counter. Why I put them there I have no clue. Maybe I should take a lesson from Sammy and start writing stuff down I chuckled to myself. I picked up the phone to call Sean and let him know I had found my keys and ended up with an invitation to breakfast.

I walked into the bedroom and looked at the mattress sitting on the floor. Well, time to pull up my big girl panties and get to it. It isn’t going to get done on its own.