ADDICTED TO HIS TOXIC LOVE

CHAPTER FIVE

With Nathan, I felt safe.

I felt like I could be completely vulnerable without being ashamed. Nathan would never judge me or conclude on me somehow he always tries to see sense in my most senseless actions.Calm down we would figure this out and before you know he has a solution.

“Always to my rescue” Once there is a challenge or a difficulty in anything at all.

“Nathan.”

His name comes into my mind almost immediately. Nathan listens to me.

He listens as though my problems are a manual he has been given to study, as though finding a solution to every challenge I bring to him is something he genuinely wants to do. Something he was created to do. He handles whatever concerns me as though he was fulfilling his purpose on earth by making sure there is a solution to whatever I brought on the table. He is a keen listener. I don't know if that applies to every other person out there but to me he listens intently. There is almost nothing I have asked of him that he hasn't done, as long as it is within his reach. Nathan looks like someone who could give me everything including the world if it was his as long as I can ask of it.

Or if he perceives I have a need for it. Just anything at all Nathan would give me without thinking twice. But somehow, that scares me more than a no from Michael.

It scares me more than the mysteries around Micheal that I doubt anybody knows at all. “Michael.” Although Micheal makes me feel wanted.

His masculinity. I feel with Micheal I don't need to fight anymore. He will handle all my fights and his toughness and dominance. The way he handles situations, as though he does not have emotions in him.

“Tough as his shredded body”

A smile and a giggle as I rolled my eyes to the back and quietly lay back on my bed to better fantasize his body, his chest and broad shoulders, height, and how he looks at me. The touch of his hand on my neck when he forces his long,big “half brother” into my mouth.

The uncertainty as he barely reacts to me sucking him. Snapping out of my fantasy.

“But”

The fact that I never completely know when I have his attention makes every moment I get from him feel more valuable.

But why? Everything seems very fuzzy in my head right now. I'm getting to feel hot right now touching my forehead as sweat forms. Is this A.C working?

I quickly picked up the A.C remote and it was set to cool. But why? I need to stop thinking about this. It's messing with my head right now. As I quickly walked to the bathroom to quickly shower. Nathan is the kind of man every woman dreams of. Every good woman, maybe. Maybe I'm not one. Maybe I am so toxic.

So Patient and Gentle. And highly Observant. Not to talk of how he shows kindness.

So why doesn't my heart race when he looks at me?

One glance from Michael can make me quake.

Why do I feel guilty whenever I notice how much Nathan cares about me?

And why does the man who barely seems to notice my feelings have such a powerful hold over them? Maybe I'm not a good woman. Or maybe I should learn to appreciate Michael's uniqueness just as much as Nathan's.

Michael's character has always been this way. No This is simply who he is.

Who knows, maybe Nathan is just pretending to be who he is not. Come to think of it, how can a guy be this good, almost flawless? He knows how to love, care, listen, and knows the right gifts to buy for me as if he reads my mood.

His decisions for me have proven to be the best and exactly what I needed at that moment. At least the times I had given him the opportunity to make some decisions or make choices for me.

But for Michael

“ I sighed”

I believe his intentions are pure. Maybe his problem is only the way he communicates himself. I mean, perhaps I was the cause of everything. Maybe he didn't want his girl explaining herself too much to another man.

“Hold on.”Why am I always making excuses for him? I never have to make excuses for Nathan. Instead, I feel guilty because I know I can never give him the same kindness he gives me. I stared at the closed door for several seconds.

Then my eyes moved toward the chair where Nathan had been sitting.

Empty. But I could see him seated there in the vision of my mind.

Somehow, that empty chair bothered me more than Michael's harsh words. He had even spoken up in my defense. Nathan had looked at me differently before he left.

Not angrily. But painfully, Not accusingly. Just...Hurt. The same person he was standing up for shut him down. And for the first time, I wondered if I had become so accustomed to being loved by him that I had stopped noticing the cost of it. Was I taking his love and care for granted? I hoped I wasn't. But deep down, I knew something. Michael never treated me well.

Not the way I should be treated. And that was what scared me the most. The fact that I still loved him regardless of his harsh treatment. If Nathan and I were ever to have something romantic, it would probably be love at its peak.

It would be the kind of love the world would have in their mouths. I mean he is a reputable person.

I knew that. I didn't need to second-guess it.

Nathan would treat me right. Without a doubt I don't need a soothsayer for this truth.

But Michael.

So why wasn't my heart looking for someone else? There were numerous men out there. I could simply ask Nathan out, just as I had done with Michael. So why couldn't I? Why did my heart keep returning to the same man? I think I do love Michael the way he is. I just wish he possessed some of Nathan's traits.

Especially his observational nature. Nathan knows exactly what I want and how I want it. He observes me. He studies me. To know exactly what's up with me per time. He remembers the smallest things. To their details

But Michael?

The reverse is the case. I'm the one who studies him.

If I don't remind him of dates, events and plans then that's the end. He would never remember nor will he take initiative to plan even a date. If he ever buys anything for me then I must be planning to triple the gift for him.

Because he would tell me exactly what he wants as he hands me whatever he must have bought for me.

His actions often make me feel as though all that matters is him and him alone. He can be careless and carefree with almost everything apart from his work, which he prioritizes above everyone, including me. He comes to my house and somehow leaves me with another job to do. He uses as many dishes as he wants and leaves them for me to wash. He eats and leaves the floor scattered with plates. He leaves stains on the tiles I must have mopped that same morning. Sometimes, I wonder if he even notices these things. And then there is his belief that a woman's place is to serve her man. That is completely against everything I believe. So how did it come to this?

How did I become so attached to someone whose idea of love conflicts with so many things I believe in? Why can't I get over him?That is what I don't understand.

Because the truth is… I know Michael isn't giving me everything I deserve. I know Nathan probably would. And yet, knowing that doesn't seem to be enough to make my heart let Michael go.