The Crossing Trilogy

Chapter 11

11

Grade 12, 1994-95

Dear Self,

Can you believe this is my last year of high school? So stoked. Can't wait 'til June. FREEDOM!

October 3

Dear Self,

Today is the best day of my life. CHAZ (a nickname) SPOKE TO ME! I've been crushing on him forever. We don't hang in the same circles. His parents are rich and he plays football. When it comes to sports, I'm a klutz. He sits right beside me in English class. School is SO cool now.

October 15

Dear Self,

D is such a b***h! She heard me and Pam in the bathroom talking about Chaz. Only Pam used his real name. D told him I like him. I'm so embarrassed. Now he thinks I'm a dork.

November 20

Dear Self,

Pam and I are going out to dinner with our parents and I'm sleeping over at her house. Tomorrow, some of us are going skating at the outdoor rink in Woodland Park.

November 21

Dear Self,

Guess what? Chaz was at the rink today and asked me to skate with him. The queen b***h was soooo jealous. We held hands and once he linked his arm through mine. I'M IN LOVE!

December 8

Dear Self,

Dad is driving me crazy. Since I'm dating more and going to more parties, he constantly snoops in my room and tells me to be a 'good girl'. I heard him and Mom fighting. She said I'm a free spirit and he said I'm wild. This morning at bible lessons, he told me to remember that God is always watching me. God sees all. Well, if God's watching me kissing a boy or having a bath, he's a peeping tom. Dad is spouting off more fire and brimstone and heaven and hell stuff. And talking about how God will punish me. For what? I AM a good girl. Dad's God is mean.

January 1

Dear Self,

Chaz and I are dating. Can you believe that? He asked me last night at the town's New Year's Eve party. It's an outside party in the park. Lots of music, skating and dancing. So much fun. Mom wanted to go but has a cold. Dad would never go. Dancing is the devil's work. We aren't telling our parents. His parents have great plans for him. They keep telling him to not get serious with anyone until he's done with school. He'll be going away to university next September. I'm not going to think about that. Just be happy. Dad hates Chaz' family 'cause he says they're hoity toity. But Chaz isn't. Still, I'm not saying anything.

February 14

Dear Self,

Chaz gave me a heart on a chain with a picture of me and him inside. It has a long chain so I can hide the heart between my boobs inside my b*a. Dad never notices jewelry. He sure does watch what I wear though. I wish I could dress like Cindy Lauper or Madonna. I love them both. Dad took away my Madonna CD's. He never listens to lyrics but then he heard 'Just Like A Virgin'. OMG…freak out. He listened to 'Oh Father' and 'Like a Prayer' and told me I could never play that music again in his house. At least I got to keep Cindi. I wish I were them. I don't mean pop stars…OMG I can't sing. I mean free spirits like them. I wonder if they ever worry that God will punish them? (That was a joke, Dear Self.)

March 15

Dear Self,

Sorry, I haven't been writing much. Last year of school is harder. More homework and stuff. Dad is making me do more chores on the farm. I hate farm life. I asked Dad why they didn't have more kids. Didn't he want some sons that could work with him on the farm? He got really uptight and then said because after I was born Mom couldn't have more kids. That I'd ruined her insides. I cried myself to sleep last night. No wonder he hates me.

Apr 1

Dear Self,

Happy birthday to me! Seventeen. Can't believe it. Chaz is taking me out to dinner. Dad doesn't know. He thinks I'm meeting Pam.

May 20

Dear Self,

Prepping for exams and grad night's coming up. My feelings are mixed. I'll be out of school soon which is hard to believe but Chaz will be moving to Vancouver to go to University. His Dad is retiring and they have their house up for sale. They're buying a townhouse with a guest bedroom so Chaz can live at home for free while he studies. Chaz has been pressuring me to go all the way sexually. So far we haven't but I'm afraid if I don't he'll forget all about me when he gets to Vancouver. Maybe I should and let him know what he'll be leaving behind. He says he loves me and will come and see me whenever he can. On top of that, A is making me uncomfortable. He stares at me all the time like his eyes are undressing me. I'm keeping my distance from him.

May 29

Dear Self,

I'm heartbroken. Chaz called me tonight to say his parents sold their house. They're moving July 1. I'm devastated. I thought we might at least have the whole summer together.

June 5

Dear Self,

Tonight is our grad dinner/dance. When Dad found out I was going with Chaz, he was furious. But I assured him Chaz was moving to Vancouver with his family so he's letting me go. But not before he gives him a lecture about his expectations. So embarrassing.

June 6

Dear Self,

Last night was so wonderful. After the dance a group of us went to the beach. We went skinny dipping. Chaz and I made love under the stars. Yup! It was exciting and a little scary. The first time it hurt a little and we went for another swim. The second time was so romantic and Chaz was so gentle. I didn't see Dad 'til dinnertime tonight. I was afraid to look him in the eye. I was sure he could tell something was different about me. That his little girl was now a woman. I'm on cloud 9.

June 15

Dear Self,

In the middle of exams. Almost done.

June 30

Dear Self,

NO MORE SCHOOL! Wednesday night we had our grad ceremony. Mom was so proud. Dad said now I have to pull my own weight.

July 05

Dear Self,

I'm heartbroken. He's gone. Every night I cry myself to sleep. We love each other and Chaz says we'll make it work. His uncle came to help them move and Chaz confided in him that he loved me. Know what he said? Listen here, nephew, never, never marry your first piece of tail. I'm so scared I'll never see him again. Mom knows I'm sad and she is trying to make me feel better. Dad is happy Chaz and his family are gone. He doesn't care about my feelings. Chaz says he'll write to me when they've settled in.

July 10

Dear Self,

I'm working part-time at the coffee shop in Stoney Creek and helping Dad on the farm. A is pissing me off. He looks at me like I'm a piece of meat. As far as I'm concerned A is for Asshole. In my spare-time, we kids go to the lake swimming. Every day I wait for Dad to pick up the mail but so far no letters.

July 15

Dear Self,

I'm so ashamed. Last night Pam and I went to the Stoney Creek Summer Fair which included a carnival. The carni that ran the ferris wheel reminded me of Chaz. He was older, maybe twenty-six or so. His name is Danny. He kept flirting with me and made me feel good about myself. When the carnival closed for the night, Pam and I were wandering around the park and he came up to us with some of the other workers. They invited us to party with them. I can't tell you how much I needed last night. But I got drunk and next thing I know Danny and I made out in his trailer. This morning he told me he's married and has kids. What a jerk! But it was my own fault. I feel like such a tramp.

August 8

Dear Self,

I couldn't find the motivation to write to you. Still no letters from Chaz. Six weeks gone. I don't even get pleasure waiting for the mail anymore. Dad says I'm moping around too much and have to forget the rich kid. He says he's forgotten me because I'm not good enough for his family. Maybe he's right. Maybe I shouldn't have gone all the way with Chaz. Maybe I should have let him wonder what he was missing. And maybe he never loved me at all. Maybe I gave him what he wanted and Dad's right. He'll find someone richer and smarter than me at school that his parents approve. His uncle's words keep echoing in my ears: Never, never marry your first piece of tail. Is that all I am?

August 15

Okay, it's time for me to get over Chaz and get away from Stoney Creek. If he loved me it wouldn't matter if we made love or not. I enjoyed it as much as he did and s*x isn't supposed to be used as a pawn. He's obviously moved on. Pam and I are talking about going to Kelowna and sharing a place together. We both want to get more schooling. I think I'd like to train as a lab technician. On Monday, I'm going to make some calls and check out student loans.