The Crossing Trilogy

Chapter 11-1

Grade 12, 1994-95

Grade 12, 1994-95Dear Self,

Dear Self,Can you believe this is my last year of high school? So stoked. Can"t wait "til June. FREEDOM!

Can you believe this is my last year of high school? So stoked. Can"t wait "til June. FREEDOM!

October 3

October 3Dear Self,

Dear Self,Today is the best day of my life. CHAZ (a nickname) SPOKE TO ME! I"ve been crushing on him forever. We don"t hang in the same circles. His parents are rich and he plays football. When it comes to sports, I"m a klutz. He sits right beside me in English class. School is SO cool now.

Today is the best day of my life. CHAZ (a nickname) SPOKE TO ME! I"ve been crushing on him forever. We don"t hang in the same circles. His parents are rich and he plays football. When it comes to sports, I"m a klutz. He sits right beside me in English class. School is SO cool now.

October 15

October 15Dear Self,

Dear Self,D is such a b***h! She heard me and Pam in the bathroom talking about Chaz. Only Pam used his real name. D told him I like him. I"m so embarrassed. Now he thinks I"m a dork.

D is such a b***h! She heard me and Pam in the bathroom talking about Chaz. Only Pam used his real name. D told him I like him. I"m so embarrassed. Now he thinks I"m a dork.

November 20

November 20Dear Self,

Dear Self,Pam and I are going out to dinner with our parents and I"m sleeping over at her house. Tomorrow, some of us are going skating at the outdoor rink in Woodland Park.

Pam and I are going out to dinner with our parents and I"m sleeping over at her house. Tomorrow, some of us are going skating at the outdoor rink in Woodland Park.

November 21

November 21Dear Self,

Dear Self,Guess what? Chaz was at the rink today and asked me to skate with him. The queen b***h was soooo jealous. We held hands and once he linked his arm through mine. I"M IN LOVE!

Guess what? Chaz was at the rink today and asked me to skate with him. The queen b***h was soooo jealous. We held hands and once he linked his arm through mine. I"M IN LOVE!

December 8

December 8Dear Self,

Dear Self,Dad is driving me crazy. Since I"m dating more and going to more parties, he constantly snoops in my room and tells me to be a "good girl". I heard him and Mom fighting. She said I"m a free spirit and he said I"m wild. This morning at bible lessons, he told me to remember that God is always watching me. God sees all. Well, if God"s watching me kissing a boy or having a bath, he"s a peeping tom. Dad is spouting off more fire and brimstone and heaven and hell stuff. And talking about how God will punish me. For what? I AM a good girl. Dad"s God is mean.

Dad is driving me crazy. Since I"m dating more and going to more parties, he constantly snoops in my room and tells me to be a "good girl". I heard him and Mom fighting. She said I"m a free spirit and he said I"m wild. This morning at bible lessons, he told me to remember that God is always watching me. God sees all. Well, if God"s watching me kissing a boy or having a bath, he"s a peeping tom. Dad is spouting off more fire and brimstone and heaven and hell stuff. And talking about how God will punish me. For what? I AM a good girl. Dad"s God is mean.

January 1

January 1Dear Self,

Dear Self,Chaz and I are dating. Can you believe that? He asked me last night at the town"s New Year"s Eve party. It"s an outside party in the park. Lots of music, skating and dancing. So much fun. Mom wanted to go but has a cold. Dad would never go. Dancing is the devil"s work. We aren"t telling our parents. His parents have great plans for him. They keep telling him to not get serious with anyone until he"s done with school. He"ll be going away to university next September. I"m not going to think about that. Just be happy. Dad hates Chaz" family "cause he says they"re hoity toity. But Chaz isn"t. Still, I"m not saying anything.

Chaz and I are dating. Can you believe that? He asked me last night at the town"s New Year"s Eve party. It"s an outside party in the park. Lots of music, skating and dancing. So much fun. Mom wanted to go but has a cold. Dad would never go. Dancing is the devil"s work. We aren"t telling our parents. His parents have great plans for him. They keep telling him to not get serious with anyone until he"s done with school. He"ll be going away to university next September. I"m not going to think about that. Just be happy. Dad hates Chaz" family "cause he says they"re hoity toity. But Chaz isn"t. Still, I"m not saying anything.

February 14

February 14Dear Self,

Dear Self,Chaz gave me a heart on a chain with a picture of me and him inside. It has a long chain so I can hide the heart between my boobs inside my b*a. Dad never notices jewelry. He sure does watch what I wear though. I wish I could dress like Cindy Lauper or Madonna. I love them both. Dad took away my Madonna CD"s. He never listens to lyrics but then he heard "Just Like A Virgin". OMG…freak out. He listened to "Oh Father" and "Like a Prayer" and told me I could never play that music again in his house. At least I got to keep Cindi. I wish I were them. I don"t mean pop stars…OMG I can"t sing. I mean free spirits like them. I wonder if they ever worry that God will punish them? (That was a joke, Dear Self.)

Chaz gave me a heart on a chain with a picture of me and him inside. It has a long chain so I can hide the heart between my boobs inside my b*a. Dad never notices jewelry. He sure does watch what I wear though. I wish I could dress like Cindy Lauper or Madonna. I love them both. Dad took away my Madonna CD"s. He never listens to lyrics but then he heard "Just Like A Virgin". OMG…freak out. He listened to "Oh Father" and "Like a Prayer" and told me I could never play that music again in his house. At least I got to keep Cindi. I wish I were them. I don"t mean pop stars…OMG I can"t sing. I mean free spirits like them. I wonder if they ever worry that God will punish them? (That was a joke, Dear Self.)

March 15

March 15Dear Self,

Dear Self,Sorry, I haven"t been writing much. Last year of school is harder. More homework and stuff. Dad is making me do more chores on the farm. I hate farm life. I asked Dad why they didn"t have more kids. Didn"t he want some sons that could work with him on the farm? He got really uptight and then said because after I was born Mom couldn"t have more kids. That I"d ruined her insides. I cried myself to sleep last night. No wonder he hates me.

Sorry, I haven"t been writing much. Last year of school is harder. More homework and stuff. Dad is making me do more chores on the farm. I hate farm life. I asked Dad why they didn"t have more kids. Didn"t he want some sons that could work with him on the farm? He got really uptight and then said because after I was born Mom couldn"t have more kids. That I"d ruined her insides. I cried myself to sleep last night. No wonder he hates me.

Apr 1

Apr 1Dear Self,

Dear Self,Happy birthday to me! Seventeen. Can"t believe it. Chaz is taking me out to dinner. Dad doesn"t know. He thinks I"m meeting Pam.

Happy birthday to me! Seventeen. Can"t believe it. Chaz is taking me out to dinner. Dad doesn"t know. He thinks I"m meeting Pam.

May 20

May 20Dear Self,

Dear Self,Prepping for exams and grad night"s coming up. My feelings are mixed. I"ll be out of school soon which is hard to believe but Chaz will be moving to Vancouver to go to University. His Dad is retiring and they have their house up for sale. They"re buying a townhouse with a guest bedroom so Chaz can live at home for free while he studies. Chaz has been pressuring me to go all the way sexually. So far we haven"t but I"m afraid if I don"t he"ll forget all about me when he gets to Vancouver. Maybe I should and let him know what he"ll be leaving behind. He says he loves me and will come and see me whenever he can. On top of that, A is making me uncomfortable. He stares at me all the time like his eyes are undressing me. I"m keeping my distance from him.

Prepping for exams and grad night"s coming up. My feelings are mixed. I"ll be out of school soon which is hard to believe but Chaz will be moving to Vancouver to go to University. His Dad is retiring and they have their house up for sale. They"re buying a townhouse with a guest bedroom so Chaz can live at home for free while he studies. Chaz has been pressuring me to go all the way sexually. So far we haven"t but I"m afraid if I don"t he"ll forget all about me when he gets to Vancouver. Maybe I should and let him know what he"ll be leaving behind. He says he loves me and will come and see me whenever he can. On top of that, A is making me uncomfortable. He stares at me all the time like his eyes are undressing me. I"m keeping my distance from him.

May 29

May 29Dear Self,

Dear Self,I"m heartbroken. Chaz called me tonight to say his parents sold their house. They"re moving July 1. I"m devastated. I thought we might at least have the whole summer together.

I"m heartbroken. Chaz called me tonight to say his parents sold their house. They"re moving July 1. I"m devastated. I thought we might at least have the whole summer together.

June 5

June 5Dear Self,

Dear Self,Tonight is our grad dinner/dance. When Dad found out I was going with Chaz, he was furious. But I assured him Chaz was moving to Vancouver with his family so he"s letting me go. But not before he gives him a lecture about his expectations. So embarrassing.

Tonight is our grad dinner/dance. When Dad found out I was going with Chaz, he was furious. But I assured him Chaz was moving to Vancouver with his family so he"s letting me go. But not before he gives him a lecture about his expectations. So embarrassing.

June 6

June 6Dear Self,

Dear Self,Last night was so wonderful. After the dance a group of us went to the beach. We went skinny dipping. Chaz and I made love under the stars. Yup! It was exciting and a little scary. The first time it hurt a little and we went for another swim. The second time was so romantic and Chaz was so gentle. I didn"t see Dad "til dinnertime tonight. I was afraid to look him in the eye. I was sure he could tell something was different about me. That his little girl was now a woman. I"m on cloud 9.

Last night was so wonderful. After the dance a group of us went to the beach. We went skinny dipping. Chaz and I made love under the stars. Yup! It was exciting and a little scary. The first time it hurt a little and we went for another swim. The second time was so romantic and Chaz was so gentle. I didn"t see Dad "til dinnertime tonight. I was afraid to look him in the eye. I was sure he could tell something was different about me. That his little girl was now a woman. I"m on cloud 9.