Dabria

Chapter Eight

His lips mold to mine and I surprise myself by not immediately pulling away. His hand slides behind my waist as he pulls me closer, like he has done this a million times. My mouth moves with his, intensifying with every passing moment. 

I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I know I’ve felt this attraction to him since I saw him at school that first day. This felt as natural as breathing. Being close to him like this...in his arms... I wasn't sure exactly what I was feeling, but it felt right. It felt like a piece of me was missing and he made me whole.

His hand moves to the back of my neck pulling me even closer. I had no longer had control of my body, despite the red flags rising in the back of my mind. Instead of pushing him away, I tangle my hands in his hair wanting more. 

Suddenly he breaks the kiss like he just realized what we were doing, and this drops my back into reality. My head was spinning, trying to make sense of what just happened. We just stand there for a moment and I can feel his stare on me. The only sound is our heavy breathing as he still holds me close. I needed a moment to sort out my feelings; to think clearly. He reluctantly lets me slide out of his arms as I put some much needed distance between us and lean against the wall on the far side of the kitchen.

"Dabria," He says cautiously. I'm sure he can't gage my feelings. Hell, even I can't. "Say something?" 

I let out a long breath. "I don't know what to say." My voice was barely a whisper. 

"What are you feeling?" He asks, taking a small step towards me.

“That wasn’t the first time we’ve done that, was it?” My voice was barely a whisper as I voiced my thoughts. He doesn’t answer immediately, giving me my answer. I was right. 

Suddenly something clicks and I know Malakai sees it on my face. I think back the conversation we just had and everything seems to fall into place. "The ball… I was supposed to get engaged." I pause, giving him a chance to tell me the truth but he just looks down at the floor, running a hand through his hair. "It was to you, wasn't it?" Without lifting his head he gives a small nod. Why wouldn't he just tell me that? Why keep it a secret? There had to be more to the story. He’s still keeping something from me. He was my fiancé and he never told me. How am I supposed to react to that? I was angry that he didn’t tell me but, if it were true, that would mean at some point I loved him enough to want to marry him. To commit the rest of my life with him. "I need some time to think." I say folding my arms around myself. 

He doesn't move and we hold each other's stare for a moment. I don't think he quite understands what I was trying to say and I rub my hand across my face, as if trying to wake myself from this dream. "I think you should leave."

A pained expression crosses his face. "Please just let me explain." He takes a step closer to me.

"I'm sure you'll explain it another time." My voice grows stronger as the anger begins to take over me. He never explains anything, why would he start now? 

I turn, and make my way down the hall to my room. I'm beyond confused and just need to be alone with my thoughts. He's on my heels, "Please, just listen. I'll tell you everything!" I slam the door on his face and lock it. I suddenly felt bad for lashing out. My feelings were all over the place and I just can't comprehend even being engaged let alone to someone I have only known for a week. I sigh and rest my forehead against the door. I fight the urge to open it and let him in.

The silence leaves a ringing in my ear and I'm almost sure he left. Just as I was about to open the door to check, I hear his voice. "I can't," he pauses, the emotion clear in his voice, then starts again. "I can't keep the truth from you anymore. I tried to, but my feelings got in the way." He stops again and I'm not sure if he's waiting for a response.

"What's the truth, Malakai." I say through the door. 

He doesn't answer right away. "You're right. Your father was going to announce our engagement. Being your protector... I was around you for most of the day, everyday. It just… it happened. It wasn't supposed to, it was forbidden actually, but it did. We fell in love."

My heart thumps hard in my chest at his words. I stay quiet as I think this through. The feelings I have been trying to figure out are becoming clearer. I think back to when we first met, I had never really been scared of Malakai when every alarm in my brain was screaming to run away. I trusted him, even when he never fully disclosed the truth. These feelings have always been there, buried deep in my tainted memory, I just never realized it before. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"I was waiting for the right moment. You just met me, I didn't want to scare you away." 

After one more beat of silence I open the door, flooding my arms around myself. The expression he wore made me want to hold him, but I stood my ground and waited for the truth. "I'm sorry. I should have told you everything from the beginning. I just..." he hesitates. "I still have all of those memories of us. I still have these feelings for you. And it kills me that you don’t remember because I took that away from you. At school, the day you figured out who I was, what I had done, you were so upset... you can't imagine how I felt knowing I made you feel that way, that I was the cause of your pain. And before that, when I had to keep my distance from you for so long... I can't do it anymore. I don't care if I'm being selfish." He takes in a deep breath to stop from rambling. "My point is that I can't hide it anymore. I can't act like I feel nothing for you. I won't. I'm sorry." His voice falls to a whisper. 

He reaches out to wipe a tear from my cheek but I move from him and wipe it away myself. I'm still confused and angry. Angry that my past has to be told like a story because I can't remember it. Angry that I can't sort out my feelings. Or maybe I was angry because I knew exactly how I felt and was too scared to admit it.

After a moment, I finally reply. "I know I’ve had feelings for you before. I’ve always felt... safe around you, when I certainly should have been running away.” I let out a small laugh and he returns it with a sad smile. "I want to remember." My voice is barely a whisper but he finally looks up at me. I pause, getting an idea, then take a step closer. "Give me back my memories."

He sighs running a hand through his hair. That must be a nervous habit of his. "You still don't understand. Before was only a small memory and you felt  how intense the pain was from it. Now we are talking about nineteen years worth of memories. It will hurt, to say the least. The pain is a hundred times worse than the dream jumping. There's risk..."

"Then just another piece." I beg. "Something."

He studies me a moment, contemplating something. He seems to be going back and forth with the decision. "I can show you my memories." 

Malakai pushes past me and down the stairs with new determination. I follow him. "You can do that? Why haven't you suggested it before?"

"It's a complicated process." He digs through the bag he had left in my room and pulls out two vials of the familiar blue liquid. He downs one and hands the second to me.

"Why?" I ask, drinking the salty liquid. 

"Memories don't just consist of images. There's feelings attached to them too. Also, you may be able to hear my thoughts." He flashes a grin that makes my heart beat hard. "I can't exactly control my thoughts." I roll my eyes and he chuckles,  succeeding at making me smile. He grabs my hand and pulls me to the couch. The feeling of his hand in mine felt like electricity coursing through my veins. It felt different than before.

Everything will be different.

He turns to face me and I face him, mimicking his action. "This shouldn't hurt for you." He pulls his hands up to my temples but I grab them before they touch.

"Wait, will it hurt for you?"

"I'm used to it." I have to stop his hands again.

"That isn't an answer."

"Okay, yes. It is painful, but I’ve done this before." He pushes my hands out of the way and grabs the sides of my face. He rests his forehead against mine and at its touch, I'm thrusted into a dream world.

The sun is bright and my eyes take a while to adjust to my surroundings. I realize I'm in the meadow that Malakai had taken me too after I was pulled into his dream. Suddenly the overwhelming feeling of happiness fills me. I can't help but smile as I hear giggles in the distance. A young girl comes running out of the woods, glancing behind her. She's in a long, dark red summer dress and her brown curls bounce with every step. Malakai comes chasing after her from the woods. He's dressed casually in dark jeans, a black shirt and a black jacket. My breath catches when I see him with his blonde hair, and the blue in his eyes so intense as he looks at the girl. It was exactly how he looked when I dreamed of him.

He catches up to the girl and wraps her in a hug, making them trip and fall, but the two laughed the whole way down. Then they just laid there in the grass, looking at each other. The happiness I felt earlier was being overpowered by love. The love I could clearly see between the two. The girl rolls over on her stomach and scoots closer to Malakai. The gaze in her eyes showed nothing but love. My stomach turns with butterflies, adrenaline pumps through me. The girl kisses Malakai sweetly, then lays her head on his chest. Everything is so peaceful.

“Marry me.” The girl says, nonchalantly.

Malakai sits up, forcing her to do so too. “What?” Confusion courses through me, but also excitement and love. I could tell he wasn’t expecting this. There was something else there too. Almost a nervous feeling, fear maybe, that made my heart beat faster.

“Marry me.” She plays with the hem of his shirt.

“But your father-”

“I will do whatever it takes to convince him to announce you as my fiancé next week. I don't want anyone else but you, Malakai.” She cups his face in her hands and smiles warmly. “All you have to do is say yes.”

Malakai pulls her hands down. “I’m the one that's supposed to be proposing.” He smiles at her.

She scoffs. “We don’t need the traditions, or a ring. I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. That’s all that matters.”

He kisses her again. “I love you too.”

The images go black and I’m left with a head rush. I open my eyes to see Malakai with his face scrunched up in pain. His voice strings through my mind. I hear words very faintly like pain, hurt, love, truth, pain.

His hands are on my shoulders and he squeezes them as his face scrunches up more. A groan escapes him. “Malakai?” I say growing concerned.

“I’m fine.” He says, but his lips don't move.

“No you’re not. What can I do to help?”

“Nothing.” His voice is strained and tired. “We just have to wait it out. It won’t last long.” I touch his cheek and feel that his skin is burning hot. I can see the seat start to bead on his forehead. Without thinking I start to undo the buttons on his shirt. “What are you doing?” His voice rings through my mind.

“You’re burning up.” I explain.

His eyes open slowly and he tries to stop me. I push his hands away, not sure why he was fighting me. I manage to get three buttons done, then see why he didn’t want me to undo his shirt. When he realizes that I have seen it, he stops his efforts to keep it buttoned. I undo the rest of his shirt and pull it to the side to look at the scar that stretches from his left hip all the way to the top of his right shoulder. He refuses to look at me.

“What happened?” I ask.

He doesn’t answer me, but I can still faintly hear his thoughts fading in and out. “...deserve it...I did...so stupid...truth...can’t lie...deserve to die…” My heart clenches at the last words I hear. What could he possibly have done to think he deserves to die? 

“Who did this to you?” I ask, but again he doesn’t answer. His gaze is fixed on the window and his breathing becomes harder. I realize he is attempting to keep me from his thoughts. I grab his face to force him to look at me. “Malakai.” I say softly.

“No one. Just forget about it.” He says, no longer using his mind. My hands fall back in my lap and he begins to button his shirt. When he does, I begin to hear his thoughts more clearly again. One word stands out to me. “Father.” Did his father do this to him? “...king...punishment...treason…”

Not his father. Mine.

“The king.” I whisper. “My father did this to you?” He freezes on the last button and won't meet my eyes.

“Its nothing.” He says finally. Anger swells in me.

“Nothing?” I demand. "This is nothing?" I try to stand but he grabs my arm.

“Nothing compared to what I deserved. I lied to him and to you about who I was. Look, Dabria…” He sighs and I sit back down. “There's a lot of things you still don't know about me. Things I’m not proud of.” He  buttons up the last button.

“The girl in the meadow, that was me, right?” He nods. “She loved you. And I’m her so deep down, I love you. So tell me what is so horrible about your past.”

“Not yet.” I stand and walk away, frustrated at never getting any answers. He tries to follow, but is still too weak and falls to the ground. I can’t help but go to him, even though I’m still angry. I help him stand and realize how tired he is. The last time he slept was yesterday when he pulled me into his dream and it couldn't have been for very long. I suddenly feel guilty. “I can’t tell you everything yet. Trust me when I say I will. I just got you back. I don’t want to lose you over a past I didn’t choose." I help him sit on the couch. “So please. Not yet.” His eyes plead for me to comply.

“Fine. But you have to tell me. Soon.” Malakai lets out a breath of relief. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, but I must go soon. I have things to do, plus I haven't really slept in two days.” I can't help but wonder if it will be safe while he's gone. Zak could come back, or someone else Cerberus sent. Someone else that's better, stronger. “You worry too much.” He says. I smile, contemplating if he really could read minds or not. “I will know if you're in trouble.” He touches the necklace. “And I doubt he will come back here tonight. He likes to toy with his prey.”

"Don't call me that.” It made me feel like an animal.

“That's what you are to him.” He pauses, glancing at me. “He won’t hurt you. Even if he does take you. Which he won’t.” I’m not sure if this made me feel better or worse.

“Thank you.” I say, realizing it was way overdue.

“For what?” He says with a sad laugh. “All I’ve done is lie to you.”

“You’ve been so good to me.” I smile and add, “My protector.” He laughs at the title. “All I’ve done is question you and yell-”

“You just met me.”

“But you’ve known me, and have always been there whether I knew it or not. You’ve saved my life only God knows how many times.” He laughs again weakly. “I just wanted to say thank you.” 

He doesn’t answer for a moment, then gets a thoughtful look on his face. “I can think of a way for you to thank me.” I glance at him unsure what he meant. He drew closer and suddenly I understood. My stomach flutters and I swallow hard.. He moves so slowly giving me an ample amount of time to pull away, but I already decided I didn’t want to. He watches my every move, as I find myself moving closer to him like a magnet. I meet him halfway but he stops when our lips brush together. I wait impatiently for him to close the distance but instead he just smiles. He pulls away, clearly teasing me, but this time I know what I want. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull his lips to mine. He chuckles against my lips before kissing me back. His lips are soft and patient and sent my heart thumping. 

I can understand why I fell for him.