Ivy's Diary

Before I Left

If someone had told me that leaving home for college would change the entire direction of my life, I probably would have laughed.

At that time, I thought I knew exactly what my future looked like.

Finish school.

Enter college.

Study Nursing

Make my parents proud.

Stay out of trouble.

And, most importantly, leave all the complications behind.

Especially love.

My name is Ivy.

This is my story.

And before I tell you about everything that happened after I left home, you need to understand what I was leaving behind.

Because sometimes, the biggest changes in our lives begin with the things we think we've already finished.

I had a boyfriend.

His name was Ethan.

And once upon a time, I was completely comfortable in his arms.

I was still a virgin when we started getting closer physically, and everything was new to me. I didn't know what I was supposed to expect. I only knew that whenever Ethan touched me, my body reacted before my mind could catch up.

There was something about the way he kissed me that made the rest of the world disappear.

He knew I loved kisses on my neck.

He had discovered that weakness early, and he loved using it against me.

Sometimes, he'd pull me closer, brush his lips against my neck, and I'd immediately forget whatever argument we had been having.

He knew how to make me blush.

He knew how to make me nervous.

He knew exactly how to make me feel wanted.

And I loved that feeling.

But one particular day changed something between us.

Ethan came to visit me while I was working. I was more like a clerk at that time, so he sat there watching me correct documents and do my usual work. We laughed, teased each other, and enjoyed being together. It felt so simple and sweet.

Then his little jokes slowly became more intimate. He placed his hand on my laps and gave me a gentle peck. I could feel something changing inside me. I was beginning to feel wet, but I honestly didn't understand what was happening to my body. I was a virgin. I knew very little about intimacy, and everything I was feeling was completely new to me.

He asked if there was somewhere private we could go, and I told him about the toilet. So we went there.

Inside, we kissed passionately. Ethan was such a passionate kisser, and the closeness between us made my heart race. He kissed my neck, held me closer and whispered “Babe you really love neck kisses” I smiled and of course he continued, every new touch made me feel things I had never experienced before.

I was innocent in every sense of the word. I didn't know what was supposed to happen or what I was supposed to feel. I was simply following the moment and trying to understand my own body, then he gently pushed his hand down toward my v****a, he touched my c******s in a way that made me feel like a woman.He looked at me and said softly, “Baby, you’re wet.”

I didn’t even understand what was happening. I just smiled, confused by the unfamiliar feelings in my body but of course I was enjoying every bit of it

Then he tasted it and smiled. “Mmm… you’re so sweet.”

I smiled again, still innocent and unsure of what any of it meant.

But when he touched me again and then put my own wetness in my mouth, something suddenly felt off.

I froze.

It wasn't necessarily the physical act itself that frightened me.

It was the realization that I was experiencing something I had never experienced before—and suddenly I was expected to understand it.

I didn't.

I remember looking at him afterward and feeling strange.

Embarrassed.

Confused.

Almost disconnected from myself.

I didn't know how to explain what was wrong.

So I didn't.

I simply became distant.

Ethan noticed immediately.

He asked what was wrong.

I said nothing.

He apologized.

I still said nothing.

But from that day, something between us wasn't the same anymore.

And while Ethan was trying desperately to repair whatever he thought he had broken, someone else was quietly becoming more important in my life.

Noah.

My best friend.

At least, that was what we called each other.

Noah had liked me for a while.

I knew it.

He knew I knew it.

But because I was with Ethan, neither of us crossed that line.

We simply stayed in that strange space between friendship and something neither of us wanted to name.

Then my admission came.

I had been accepted into Westbrigde College.

Not in my city.

Not even in my state.

I was leaving.

Suddenly, the clock started ticking.

I had only a few weeks left at home.

Ethan became more desperate.

He knew that once I left, distance would change everything.

He was afraid I would meet someone else.

He was afraid I'd forget him.

And somewhere in his mind, he had decided that before I left, he wanted our relationship to become something more permanent, He wanted to be my first.

I understood what he wanted.

And that was another reason I knew I had to end things.

I wasn't ready.

I didn't want to be pressured into giving someone a part of myself simply because I was leaving.

So I walked away.

Or at least, I tried to.

Ethan didn't make it easy.

His messages came constantly.

"Please, Ivy."

"Let's talk."

"I'm sorry."

"I can do better."

Sometimes I would read them and feel guilty.

Sometimes I missed him.

Sometimes I wondered whether I had made a mistake.

But then I'd remember how uncomfortable I'd felt that day, and I'd put my phone down.

No.

I had made my decision.

Or so I thought.

Because while Ethan was trying to win me back, Noah was becoming impossible to ignore.

Three days before I was supposed to leave, Noah insisted that I come see him.

I refused at first.

My family was strict.

I barely went anywhere without permission, and if my parents found out I had gone to see a boy alone, I didn't even want to imagine the consequences.

But Noah kept insisting.

Eventually, I gave in.

I went to his house.

He was alone.

And the moment I saw him, something inside me became nervous.

This wasn't supposed to be romantic.

He was my best friend.

That was the agreement.

At least, that's what we had always told ourselves.

But agreements become difficult to remember when someone is standing close enough for you to feel their breath.

Noah looked at me differently that day.

And I knew I was looking at him differently too.

We kissed.

At first, it was hesitant.

Then the hesitation disappeared.

His arms went around me, pulling me closer, and for a moment, I forgot every reason I had told myself that this was a bad idea.

There was something dangerously comforting about being with him.

He knew me.

He knew my fears.

He knew my stubbornness.

He knew the version of me that other people didn't get to see.

And that made the attraction feel even stronger.

His kisses moved slowly, lingering around my neck—the exact place I had always been weak for.

I couldn't help smiling.

He noticed and of course he smiled

I looked away, embarrassed.

He laughed softly.

The atmosphere changed.

The friendship we'd carefully protected for so long was disappearing right in front of us.

His hands explored me gently, and every touch made my heart beat faster.

I knew where the moment was heading.

And I was afraid.

Not because I didn't want him.

That was the problem.

A part of me did.

But wanting something didn't mean I was ready for it.

So I stopped him.

"Noah."

He looked at me.

"Please."

He understood immediately.

I told him I wasn't ready to have s*x.

I was still holding tightly to the idea of being a virgin, and in my inexperienced mind, s*x was something that could completely change my life.

I was scared of pregnancy.

Scared of consequences.

Scared of doing something I couldn't take back.

Noah promised he wouldn't force me.

And he didn't.

He stayed with me until I was calm again.

But before I left, he looked at me and said quietly,

"Next time, Ivy, I'm not going to pretend we're just friends."

I didn't answer.

I couldn't.

Because somewhere deep inside me, I knew I didn't want him to pretend either.

I returned home that day with my heart racing.

My parents never knew where I had been.

I had planned everything carefully.

When I would leave.

When I would return.

Where I would go afterward.

By the time I walked through the door, I looked like a daughter who had spent the afternoon exactly where she was supposed to be.

But inside, I was carrying a secret.

Actually, two secrets.

Ethan was still trying to get me back.

And Noah was no longer just my best friend.

Then the day finally came.

The day I had to leave.

My bags were packed.

My admission letter was ready.

My parents were preparing to send their daughter away to study nursing.

I looked around my room one last time.

Everything was familiar.

My bed.

My clothes.

My walls.

My life.

I didn't know when I would feel this comfortable again.

I didn't know what would happen to Ethan.

I didn't know what Noah and I were becoming.

I didn't know whether I would remain the same Ivy after leaving.

But I knew one thing.

I was leaving.

And whatever waited for me on the other side of that journey was going to change me.

I carried my bags, said my goodbyes, and stepped into the journey that would take me away from everything I knew.

Hours later, I finally arrived.

The mighty Westbridge College stood before me.

I tightened my grip on my bag.

Took a breath.

And walked through the gate.

Ivy had entered college.

She just didn't know yet that she had also entered the most complicated chapter of her life.