Ways to Say Love

Chapter Eight

“Well look whose back again,” I heard a croaky voice call out as I entered the room behind Mom. “I figured I’d get at least one day without you nagging me about my health. Oh, and you brought my grandchild too. I don’t even think I’ve met this little one.”

“My name is Maylie, and you’re Grandpa! Hi Grandpa!” Maylie skipped over to his bed, completely oblivious to the way he spoke to Mom.

His hair was white, not that there was much left of it, and his eyes were angry, He wore big, rectangular glasses over his eyes. The majority of his body was covered in blankets, and if looks could kill us, we would all be dead. I stayed hidden behind the curtain, not wanting to have to speak.

“Hey there Dad,” my mom walked over to his bed and put her hand on his shoulder, “how are you doing today?

“I’m doing the exact same I’ve been doing for the past five times you’ve asked me, Jackie. I am tired, and I want to go home. I don’t need you or your husband watching over me for seven hours every bloody day.”

“Maylie is in kindergarten, so maybe you could sensor yourself? Just because you’re miserable doesn’t mean you need to make everyone else miserable. And my mom is just caring for you, maybe you could lighten up.” It was as if I had left my body for thirty seconds, and someone else took over. I hadn’t noticed that I was speaking until I was standing beside his bed, and everyone was staring at me wide-eyed.

“Well, Jackie, your kid’s got more balls than your husband does. He gets that from me.” Grandpa pulled his hand out from under the blanket and held it out for me to shake. His grip was strong despite his old age and weak health. “Nice to see you, kid. I wish I could say I remember you when you were young, but I was pretty drunk back then. Doctors here haven’t let liquor touch my lips in four months, its bullshit I tell you.”

Maylie’s jaw dropped as Grandpa cussed in front of her again, and I was Mom wince when he talked about being drunk.

“Anyways, Dad, how were your tests today? Did your blood come back alright?” Mom took up a seat in the far corner, and her leg shook anxiously as she spoke.

“My blood is fine and my tests are fine. Jackie this is absolutely ridiculous. I have been here for God knows how long, and I am better now. So please tell these doctors to get off their asses and actually release me from this hellhole. How does that sound?” Grandpa snapped at Mom, and she quickly hopped out of her seat. For a second she looked like she was going to say something back to him, but instead she just smiled and walked out of the room.

Maylie stood beside Grandpa’s bed staring up at him. This was obviously not what she expected, it wasn’t what I expected either, and I knew she was struggling to find something to say. When I found out Mom was pregnant, I had promised myself that Maylie would never have to have a childhood like I had. Seeing her staring up at Grandpa like a lost puppy only reminded me of how badly my childhood was, and how much Maylie deserved better.

“Hey May, why don’t you go and tell Grandpa about how you’ve just started kindergarten?” You could practically smell the snarky tone I carried. This guy was an asshole, but Maylie didn’t need to know that.

“Okay,” her solemn face lit up instantly, “well I’ve just started JK, and I met a lot of new kids! My new best friend is named Lacey and we play with a girl named Kelly. We used to play with Rachel, but then she started liking Derek and now she ignores us. I don’t like boys yet, they’re icky and they have cooties. Except for Daddy and Aaron, they don’t have cooties because they’re my family and they’re both in love! Did Mommy tell you Aaron is in love? Her name is Aspen and—”

“That’s nice,” Grandpa cut Maylie off mid-sentence, “but I don’t need your life story, okay dear? Maybe we could talk when your mother gets me out of this god damn hospital.”

Mom came rushing back in when Grandpa called her name, and there was a tall black lady in a white lab coat following quickly behind her. She had a kind smile on her face, although her eyes were tired and long. The way she continued to smile despite her exhaustion reminded me of what Mom always does.

“Dad,” Mom’s voice was strained and she looked scared to be talking, “this is Dr. Linda, she’s going to do some more tests to see if you’re ready to leave or not.”

“God dammit, Jackie! I think I’ve been in this hospital long enough to know which bloody doctor is which. Why don’t you do something useful and leave me alone, please!” I saw the doctor’s smile fade as Grandpa snapped at Mom, again, but she didn’t seem shocked by the way he spoke. I suppose she was used to him talking like this after having to deal with him for so long.

I could see that Mom was trying to restrain herself from crying; she was blinking rapidly and I heard her gulp at least twice. It was obvious that Mom didn’t want to cry in front of Grandpa, and probably not in front of Maylie either. I didn’t exactly take Grandpa to be the kind of man who was sympathetic to crying.

The way that he spoke to Mom made me wants to hit him, or scream at him at least. But when I saw the way Mom was fighting back tears, and kept trying to make the visit pleasant for Maylie, I knew I needed to bite my tongue. And so I did, for the most part. But when Grandpa started telling Mom how she was a horrible daughter, and the only reason she was here was to make up for being so shitty when she was a child, I lost it.

“She’s your daughter, and in case you haven’t noticed she’s the only person that actually cares enough to sit around here and listen to you whine all the time! If I was your doctor, I guarantee my priority would be releasing you so that I wouldn’t have to listen to your bullshit sob story anymore. Maybe you could try thanking my Mom instead of blaming her for your poor life, and actually try to pay attention to your grandkids while you’re at it.” I took Maylie’s small hand in my own without giving Grandpa a second to respond, and pulled her out of the room. I didn’t see any need for any of us to sit around and listen to any more of what this guy had to say. Maylie wasn’t even protesting about having to leave, even a four year old can see how much of a miserable low-life he was.

I didn’t even look behind me to see if Mom was coming with us, but when I turned around she was walking two steps behind Maylie and me.

Mom’s head wasn’t hung as low when we reached the car and her shoulders weren’t as slouched when they were when we were first driving up here. I knew I had said what Mom had been aching to say but was too scared to actually come right out and say it.

The drive home was silent except for Maylie’s CD. She wasn’t even singing during the drive home but instead just sat quietly waiting for someone else to speak, which was very rare for Maylie.

“I’m sorry,” I exhaled the second that Maylie was out of earshot and in the house, “I mean I’m not sorry for saying those things to Grandpa, they needed to be said and I knew you wouldn’t, but I’m sorry that I exploded like that. I should’ve kept my quiet when May was around; I know how badly you wanted her to have a relationship with him.”

“There’s no need to apologize,” Mom reached over and squeezed my arm, “you were right about all of it, kiddo. I never would have said that to him, and tomorrow I’m going to be going back to the hospital and not saying anything like that. Although, I don’t think a relationship between your sister and him is going to happen. I think your sister is just a little bit to bubbly for the old grump.” Mom’s eyes creased as she smiled, and it gave me some ease.

“He shouldn’t be around Maylie, Mom, and you know that I’m right. There’s no need to give her crappy memories of a jackass grandfather.” Her gaze dropped from my eyes to the floor. I think she had known that before we went, but she didn’t want to admit it. “You’re doing a great job, Mom.”

“Yeah,” her tone brightened a little and her tired eyes began to soften, “I did make some pretty good kids, didn’t I? C’mon, let’s go make something good for dinner. Or you could just go upstairs and call Aspen; she could join us if you like.”

I could feel the corner of my lips pull at the mention of Aspen’s name and I shook my head to the ground as if it could shake away the feeling.

“I think I’m good, actually. I’ll call her later tonight. But I’d rather just have dinner be us tonight, as a family. Is that okay?”

“Kid, that is more than okay.” Mom gave me a kiss on the head and walked inside the house. She flicked off her shoes and tore off her coat, before ruffling up my already disastrous hair. “Actually, I think that just may be the best thing I’ve heard all day.”

Mom made her way to the kitchen and pulled out a big bag of curly fries and hamburgers, one of my favourite meals. Maylie and I sat on the living room floor listening to her Disney CD’s while Mom made dinner. Our whole house suddenly felt happier than it had when we first moved in, and I was in such a good mood that I even sang along to Maylie’s tacky music. Granted, my singing was even worse than Maylie’s was.

Our house had felt like this strange hotel we were stuck in, like a lot of the new house’s do, but tonight it felt like there was a sense of home. Everything was working out pretty well, for the most part. Dad’s job was going great and he was getting plenty of hours, I practically had a girlfriend, Maylie had a new best friend, and school was easier than it had ever been.

Things felt a lot better than they had felt in a really long time, and it was easy to just sit back and let things happen. I didn’t feel the need to make everything organized and perfect all the time. Instead I was actually able to enjoy myself.

The house smelt delicious and I took in three big breathes to fully absorb the smell. Maylie and I were racing to the dinner table the second that our food was out. Mom just ate a small salad, so there were plenty of curly fries and hamburgers for Maylie and me. Of course, May only ate one small burger though; her appetite wasn’t even a quarter of what mine was. I ate three hamburgers and had two big servings of French fries; being around Grandpa for so long had made me hungrier than normal, and I was already always hungry.

Maylie suggested that we play a game of Crazy 8s, and although she didn’t know how to play, we still managed to get four rounds in before it was time for Maylie to go to bed. I still think that Mom was handing Maylie cards under the table, but they’re both playing innocent.

When Mom was upstairs tucking Maylie into bed, I went upstairs to get ready myself. I ran into the washroom to get changed, but it was too cold for me to sleep in my usual boxers and muscle tee so I had to settle for red flannel pants and a muscle tee.

My phone buzzed from my bedroom, and I ran back in quickly to see who it was. I wasn’t sure if I was more excited to see Aspen or Reese. I slid the button across my phone and held the call up to my ear as I flopped down on my bed.

“Long time, no talking,” Reese’s confident, sarcastic voice bellowed through my phone, “have you got yourself a job or something, man? I’ve barely talked to you since you left. I’m considering not even visiting you next week, since it seems we’re no longer friends anymore. Just so you know, I can guarantee I am funnier, better-looking, and taller than any of the guys down there.”

Reese has always been able to make me laugh, no matter my mood. It got to the point where I could no longer drink chocolate milk around him because I would end up laughing so hard that I would shoot it out of my nose.

“I’ve been waiting for you to call me and tell me when you’re coming down here, dude! Will you be here by Sunday? I really miss my car.”

“Wow, okay,” I could perfectly picture the way his face looked, “the car is the priority in this friendship, alright. It’s not like we would chill every day and I was the highlight of your junior year or anything. You should’ve picked up and called me, man. Have you gone soft on me or something? This new school must be changing you.”

“Shut it,” there was never anything as easy as joking with Reese, “I’m actually taking a fitness class, and I skipped class yesterday. I’m a whole new dude.”

“Who’s the girl?” He spoke quickly and I could hear him laughing after his question. Reese knew me better than anyone I’d ever met.

“There’s no girl, moron.” I could feel my cheeks heating up as pictures of Aspen flashed across my mind.

“Aaron, the fitness class I can understand you taking, but there’s no way you would ever skip class unless there was a girl.” When Reese first started dating Charlotte he missed two auto classes, and Reese never missed auto. “Is she cute?”

“Of course she’s cute,” I scoffed, “but that is beside the point. I just skipped because I felt like getting away for a while.”

“Okay,” Reese dragged out every syllable and I thought he was finally done talking about it until he asked, “so where did you take this secret girlfriend? Were you making out under a tunnel for four hours? Charlotte and I did that once.”

Unfortunately I remembered it all a little too clearly without Reese’s reminder. He wouldn’t stop talking about how her lips tasted like pineapple and how she wouldn’t stop kissing him if others walked past. For the next week after their little session, they would both shoot each other looks across the lunch table that screamed that they were dying to jump each other. It made everything extremely awkward for the rest of us.

“No, you moron, we just talked.” I smiled mindlessly at the memory of sitting on the park bench with her. I was sure that with the way her warm hand held my cold one, there would be a big hole right through my palm. “We kissed, once, but that’s it.”

“Dude,” I could hear loud ruffling in the background and I imagined Reese was pacing like he always does when he talks on the phone, “isn’t that your first kiss? You’ve never kissed a girl, right? That was definitely your first kiss. This girl was your first kiss, and you didn’t even bother to call me.”

“Hurry your ass up here, bring me my car, and then we can talk about my girlfriend. Later, Reese.” I ended the call and threw my phone on the floor. I had called Aspen my girlfriend, my girlfriend. It was the first time I had ever said it aloud before, and it felt pretty weird.

Was Aspen calling me her boyfriend? Had she told Jay we were dating? Did this mean I had to start buying her chocolates and putting a heart beside her name in my phone? Should I be telling my parents she’s my girlfriend? Will I be meeting her parents? There was a definite chance that I would embarrass myself in every way possible if I met Aspen’s parents.

They both probably looked like fashion models; you would have to be incredibly good-looking to be the parents of Aspen, no one is just lucky enough to look the way she does.

My mind was a highway during rush hour; there wasn’t enough room in my brain to handle all of my thoughts and everything turned into a great big traffic jam. Every second a new thought was popping into my head, or a new worry about how I may embarrass myself in front of Aspen.

The night turned into a stressful blur, and I could feel my eyes growing heavier by the second. At least this time I was actually wearing my pajamas. I tiredly turned out my lights and fell face first onto my bed. My eyes shut for a second, and everything went black as I drifted into sleep.

Suddenly, I was awake. Only I wasn’t in my bedroom, or even in my house. I wasn’t anywhere near my neighborhood, but instead I saw that I was surrounded by people sitting in chairs. The walls were wooden logs and covered in cobwebs, and everyone looked as if they had just sound out that their dog died.

“Aaron,” there was a faint voice coming from behind me, but I couldn’t locate the speaker. They sounded like they were hurt and that they needed me to help them. None of the people were reacting to the voice; they were instead just staring up at an old lady talking to them.

I began running to where the voice came from, and I saw that there were positive messages posted on the walls everywhere. Things like you can do it and it gets easier! It reminded me of the school hallways and guidance office. I knew that I had seen this place before, but I couldn’t figure out where.

The voice calling my name began getting louder, and the hallway kept getting darker as I ran closer to the voice. I stopped in my tracks at the sight of a woman staring back at me with anger in her eyes. All of the lights suddenly began to flicker, and I recognized this woman as my mother.

Only, my mother didn’t look like my mother. It was obviously her, but she didn’t look like she does now. She looked the way she did when I was younger, when she wasn’t sober. It was scary for me to see her this way, so tired and out of it.

“Aaron,” her words were slurred and her eyes were heavy, “pass me my drink, please sweetie. Pass Mommy her drink.” Her sentence was something she used to always say to me when I was younger, when she was too drunk to get up and get herself more alcohol.

“Mom, you can’t drink.” My voice was unstable, and it came out as more of a gust of air than words. “You’re an alcoholic, Mom, you can’t drink.” The lights turned on fully, and I finally recognized where we were. We were at one of mom’s AA meetings; she used to take me when she didn’t have the money for a babysitter.

My mother’s eyes welled up with tears, and her words grew harsh. “You are a parent, you’re a child. Listen to what I say and hand me my drink, you worthless son. I used to enjoy life, go out and have fun. Then you came around, and now I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it; all because of you, Aaron. You’ve ruined my life for me, ruined it.” Mom lifted up her hand and slapped me across my face, sending a stinging sensation pulsing throughout my entire body.

Everything went pitch black, and I shot up from bed; it was only a dream. There were beads of sweat falling down my face, and I couldn’t catch my breath. You’ve ruined my life for me, ruined it. My mother’s words played over and over again in my mind; the dream felt all too real. I had never even heard my mom mention wanting to drink since I was seven years old and this dream brought everything flooding back in an instant.

Did Mom feel I had ruined her life? Did she regret having me? Am I the reason that she started drinking in the first place? I had always worried that I was the reason Mom started drinking, that having me as a child was all too much for her and she needed some way to escape me. I had been able to push away the thought for a short amount of time, but now it was a pounding headache that no medication could take away.

I let my head fall back onto the pillow. My thoughts ran on the racetrack to see which one could worry me most, and every thought that I had came tied for first. The dream felt as if it was my reality, and my mother was standing right in front of me spitting out her hatred. I couldn’t shake the way I could feel her slapping me.

Mom only ever slapped me once, when I was five. She was really drunk, and the day after it happened Dad sent her away to rehab. Once Mom came back she couldn’t stop apologizing for it, and I know that it still haunts her the way it haunts me.

My worries sent my mind on a rollercoaster, and it was exhausting. As I tossed and turned and kicked, my eyes grew tired at some point. I could feel myself drifting into sleep again, and I mumbled a soft wish to be able to get some sleep without any more dreams. And I did.