Ways to Say Love

Chapter Twelve

When I woke up the next morning, I carried on as if nothing had happened. I had been telling myself that it was all just a dream so much that when I walked downstairs and saw the empty bottles, everything came flooding back. All of Mom’s crying and kicking everyone out of the house and Maylie sleeping over at Lacey’s, it all replayed in my head.

I couldn’t even eat anything for breakfast; I knew that I wouldn’t be able to eat anything knowing where I was going. I pulled out a pen and pad of paper from the kitchen drawer and quickly scribbled a note on it telling Dad where I was going. I didn’t know if Mom and Dad were even home, they could have gone to the rehab centre and forgot to leave a note. I ripped up my note and threw it in the trash. I could forget to leave a note.

The bottles were strewn about everywhere and there were at least two stains of wine on the floor. Maylie was bound to find out about Mom’s drinking, but that didn’t mean that she had to know how bad it was. And, if Mom was home and she saw this mess it would only make everything that much worse for her and Dad. Wetting a paper towel, I began to clean up after Mom’s mess. The bottles were stuffed in a garbage bag and then taken outside, the smell was taken care of with air freshener, and the stained were drenched in remover from under the sink.

Once there was no trace of last night leftover, I grabbed my keys and bolted out the door. Every other worry I had left my body; I didn’t have my phone, or my wallet, and I couldn’t care less about being so unprepared. It wasn’t like there would be police trolling the streets around here.

I turned the car into the familiar street that I wish I didn’t know. There were barely any cars driving around, and I figured she would be asleep. I was shitty for waking her up like this; I was just s**t in general right now.

When I finally pulled the car into her driveway, after doing four laps around because I couldn’t force myself to go up, the house looked like the saddest place on Earth. There was nothing different about it physically, but knowing what was about to happen completely changed everything.

All of the lights were off inside the house, but Aspen’s parents’ car was in the driveway. I wasn’t sure what I would do if her parents answered the door. I had wanted to meet them yesterday. Everything had been so different eighteen hours ago. Everything had been so good. I had my best friends back for a week, my dad was doing well at work, Maylie had friends, I had a girlfriend, and Mom was sober.

I built up enough courage to knock on the door, and regretted it immediately after. There was loud shuffling coming from inside the house, and the door flung open abruptly. Aspen stood there, looking at me with this look in her eyes. She looked scared, and confused, but also happy. She should not be feeling happy right now.

“Oh my god,” she was smiling at me, and I hated that she was smiling. Why would anyone be smiling right now? “Aaron, what are you doing here?”

Her fingers wrapped around my wrist as she pulled me into her house. I really didn’t want her parents to come downstairs. They would hate me.

“Aspen, we should talk.” Those were the most dreaded words in a relationship, and I didn’t expect it to be me saying them. I just wanted to get it over with; to rip it off like a band aid. “We need to break up.”

She looked up at me, and let out a large breath. I couldn’t handle knowing that I was the one that made her look like that. “Did I do something? Is this about last night? I’m sorry about that, but I don’t really understand what was going on.”

“No, Aspen, this has nothing to do with last night.” I didn’t want to have to talk about last night, and I hated that she brought it up. “I just can’t date you right now.”

“Why not, Aaron? What the hell happened that is making you say this? I thought we were having fun. Yesterday, two nights ago, the day we skipped. We had fun. Are you going to feed me some bullshit? Tell me it’s not me, but it’s you? Tell me that we can still be friends?” I could see tears welling up in her eyes, and I wanted to hold her and kiss her forehead.

“Would you please just drop it? There’s just a lot going on right now.” The way that she wouldn’t stop asking me questions made me angry. What didn’t she understand about me not being able to date her? Why couldn’t she let it go?

A single tear threatened to fall from her eye. “Would you just tell me what changed? You’re not exactly giving me a lot of information to work with.”

“Nothing changed, god dammit. I just don’t have the time to date you right now. There’s more important stuff going on, and I don’t have time for you right now.” I couldn’t keep my cool about this, and I knew that I was being too harsh, but I didn’t know what other way to get her to stop. I couldn’t handle explaining everything to her; this was hurting me more than it was hurting her.

“You’re an asshole,” she spit her words at me, and it felt like I was being stabbed. “You’re a f*****g asshole and I hate you, I hate you so much. I wish I never met you.” Tears fluttered over her eyes like a waterfall; I was definitely being stabbed.

There was no worse feeling than hearing her saying she hates me. There was nothing left inside of me; no heart, no lungs, no organs, no bones. I was hollow. I was merely a piece of paper, being crumpled up into a small ball. I was nothing.

“Don’t worry. I hate myself too.” I ran out of her porch and didn’t even bother to shut the door behind me. I just got in my car and drove away without looking back.

I was right the whole time. I knew that this would happen. I knew that Aspen would end up hating me, and I was right. She hated me now, and we were done. I had f****d up my relationship just like I had f****d up my family. I couldn’t get anything right. I didn’t even know where I was driving to. I just knew that I couldn’t go home, and I couldn’t go to Aspen. Obviously, I had lost Jay as a friend too. I had lost everyone now.

After driving around mindlessly for hours, I figured it was time to go home. I was pissed at the entire situation, but I figured Maylie could use me around. When I pulled the car into the driveway, it was empty. The door was left unlocked when I walked in, and all of the lights were still on.

The living room was left in the same clean condition I left it in, and there was an envelope taped to the fridge door. I ripped it off and opened it, finding a huge wad of cash and a note inside.

Dear Aaron,

I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am. I know I’ve messed up, and I’m going to fix that. Your father is taking me to a rehab centre a couple hours away. He’ll be staying in a hotel room nearby, so you and Maylie are going to be alone for a little while. Maylie is at Lacey’s right now, so you can pick her up whenever. I’ve left you some money for food, but if you need more call your father and he will arrange something. I’m sorry I haven’t been a good Mom; you and your sister deserve so much better than me.

If you wouldn’t mind, could you pop into the hospital at least once? I know your grandfather isn’t the ideal person to spend Christmas break with, but he needs someone just as much as you do.

Lacey’s parents said that they could watch her for a night if you and Aspen wanted to go out on a date or something. No funny business though.

Tell Maylie I said I love her, and I’ll be home soon. I’m sorry I’ve done this to us.

Love, Mom.

It all just seemed like a big prank, like I was on some reality TV show or something stupid. There was no way Mom and Dad would be leaving us for Christmas, and not even say goodbye. I knew everything was bad, but how could it have gotten like this? Twenty-four hours ago I thought I had the best life ever, now I’m stuck with this bullshit.

Maylie probably had no idea what was going on, and I knew she’d be scared and confused, so I decided I needed to go and pick up Maylie. She had probably been there for way too long.

I felt selfish for doing it, but I checked if Aspen’s car was there before I walked over. We hadn’t even been broken up for six hours, and I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing her after six months. Maybe I would get lucky, and Mom would say that we had to move again. Then I would never have to see her face again and I could just go to a new school and only talk to like two guys, just like I did at every other school.

A tall dark lady with bright blue eyes and long braids answered the door. “Well you must be Aaron. Please, come in.” Her voice was soft and she sounded like she was scared her words would break me in two. I was glad she talked like that, though. I felt like I would break.

“May and I are going to go home now. Thank you for taking care of her.” I heard the pitter-patter of little feet running, and Maylie appeared at the stairs and ran down into my arms. She didn’t look scared, or sad, or even confused; she looked happy. A part of me wishes that she had been sad, because then I wouldn’t have to be the one to ruin it for her. But now I did. Now I was ruining it for Maylie, too.

Maylie said her goodbyes to everyone, and then she skipped out of the house in front of me. Her being so cheery made it all worse, and I wasn’t sure I could trust myself to stay calm right now. I had promised myself that I would never let Maylie go through everything that I went through, but now she was. Now she was going to spend Christmas without her Mom, and have to go and see our asshole of a grandfather, and have to go to family counselling sessions. Now when she was fifty years old, her childhood memories would be toxic.

I wasn’t sure how to start this conversation, because I didn’t know what Maylie had already been told. “Maylie, can you come here for a second?” She sat down on the couch across from me, and the way that she smiled as if nothing was wrong made my heartbreak.

“Are you going to tell me where Mommy and Daddy are?” She looked at me with wide eyes, and I wished she was old enough to just read the letter Mom wrote.

I sucked in a deep breath, and decided to just spit it out. “Mom’s not feeling too well right now, May. She and Dad have gone to a special centre to help her get better, so they’re not going to be around for a little while.”

There were tears in her eyes, and I wished I could tell her I was joking. “But they’re going to be back home soon, right Aaron? Mommy and Daddy will be home for Christmas?”

“No, May. They won’t be back for Christmas. But I know where the presents are, and we have money, and I can take you to the store and get your favourite cereal for breakfast. I promise you we will still have a good Christmas.”

Her face scrunched up and she began crying, really hard. “I don’t want to have a good Christmas with you! I want Mommy and Daddy!”

Before I could say anything to her, try and comfort her, she had run upstairs and locked herself in the washroom. I didn’t know if I was supposed to leave her alone or go upstairs and try to make everything better. No matter what I did, there was no way I could make anything better.

My promise to Maylie meant nothing to her, and I couldn’t blame her. I was almost eighteen years old, and I hated the situation we were in. Obviously a four year old couldn’t have a good Christmas while her parents were away at some rehab centre trying to fix her alcoholism. When I was younger, there was never a time Mom had missed a Christmas. Sure, she may have been drunk through all of it, but at least she was there. Now Maylie was forced to be alone with me, the guy who ruined everything good in his life.

There was no way Maylie would be having even a remotely good Christmas, and it was all because of me.