Ways to Say Love

Chapter Five

I fell asleep quickly that night. Apparently having a whipped cream and water fight can make a person very exhausted.

I was able to get up early this morning, and I had time to sit on my front porch with a cup of hot cocoa and a bowl of oatmeal. The sun wasn’t even close to rising, so I sat in the darkness for a little while. The breeze was really strong, and I had to wear a sweatshirt and hat with my pjs to stay warm. It had snowed throughout the night, and the roads were covered in ice and slush; Aspen would be scared to drive this morning.

It felt like I was lying to Aspen, like I was only telling her the smallest fraction of me and my life. I knew that Aspen would hate me if she found out about my mother, and I knew that I was being mean by not telling her, but I couldn’t tell her knowing that it would instantly end our friendship. It normally took me a couple of weeks to make good friends but here I had been here for a couple of days and was already friends with Jay and Aspen, and I was going on a date with her. My mother had affected my social life so much while I was growing up, although it was selfish, I didn’t want to lose my new friends so early.

“You are up much earlier than I expected,” my dad startled me as he stepped out on the porch in his work clothes, “I’m leaving for work now and I’m going to be home late since I went out with your mother yesterday, okay? Tell your sister I said hello, and goodbye.”

“Okay,” I called as my dad got in his car, “bye Dad!”

I made my way inside and threw my empty cup and bowl in the dishwasher; Mom was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in her hand.

“Good morning, sweetie,” Mom croaked out groggily, “did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, actually, I was pretty tired. What about you?”

“It wasn’t too horrible I suppose,” Mom let out a short laugh, “I was worrying about your Grandpa a lot, but no need to fret. How about I make you some cereal?”

“I’m alright, I already had some oatmeal. Have you eaten anything yet?”

“No sweetie, I’m not feeling very hungry today.” Her face looked long and her eyes were tired.

“Mom—”

“Aaron, sweetie, I’m okay. It’s just a small appetite, no need to fret.” When Mom first started getting sick she was barely eating anything, so Dad always told me I needed to watch for signs that Mom was relapsing since she rarely talked to him about her addiction.

Mom went to an AA group back in Niagara and she said that she will be going to a new one here in Port Hope, but not for another week. Normally Mom finds a new group as soon as we move somewhere else but this time she’s been so focused on Grandpa she’s been taking time off from her groups, when she really shouldn’t be.

“Hey, Mom,” I put my hands on her shoulder, “you know that you can talk to Dad and I about your addiction right? Just because you struggle from time to time doesn’t mean that you’re not still strong, alright? Dad and I are always around to help, and I can guarantee Maylie is more than willing to play with you if you need a distraction.”

“Hey,” Mom let out a sweet laugh and squeezed my hand on her shoulder, “when did you get so grown up? I thought I was supposed to be the parent around here.”

“I’ve been trying to tell you guys, I’m actually a genius.” I kissed my mother’s head and she let out a laugh.

“Alright then, you’re a genius. Is your girlfriend picking you up again today? Your father said that she seemed good for you. I’m sorry I was asleep when she came over, but maybe you could invite her here next time?”

“She’s not my girlfriend, Mom. Aspen and I are just,” my voice trailed off and Mom smiled proudly to herself. “We’re just hanging out right now and we’re going to a party soon, I don’t even know when it is, but I’ll get Aspen to swing by the house before we go. Does that work?”

“That sounds lovely,” Mom smiled genuinely and released my hand, “now go get ready for school. We can’t have you being late for your classes, or for Aspen.”

“Okay, Mom.” I left the kitchen and walked towards the stairs, where Maylie was sitting alone. “Hey May, you’re up pretty early. Mom’s in the kitchen, okay?”

“Aaron,” Maylie’s voice cracked and her lower lip pouted, “is Mommy sick again?”

“Maylie, were you listening to our conversation? Mom is doing just fine; she’s just a little tired today. How about you go say good morning to her, I bet that would make her feel much better.”

“Okay!” Maylie’s eyes lit up and her smile appeared. She ran into the kitchen loudly and I went up the stairs to my bedroom.

My clothes were all practically the same; plaid shirts with khakis and dark tops, occasionally worn with a beanie. Whenever I saw Aspen she looked completely different than she had before, everything about her felt exciting and unpredictable.

I threw on a dark blue sweatshirt with my black jeans and checked myself in the mirror. My hair looked more messy than normal, so I threw on the beanie my parents bought me last Christmas to hide my disastrous hair.

“Aaron,” Maylie’s voice echoed through the hall as she jogged up the stairs into my bedroom, “Mommy said to ask you if you could watch Lacey and I after school? I want her to come over and have a playdate with me. Can you ask Aspen if she will bring her over, please?”

“Is Mom going to be at the hospital again?”

“Yeah, she said she’s going to be home late. Please, Aaron, please can you invite Lacey and Aspen over?” Maylie gave me puppy dog eyes and she rubbed her eyes as if she was crying. Maylie had always been very good at pulling the sad face to get what she wanted, and she knew how much I hated disappointing her.

“Okay, Maylie, I’ll check with Aspen today when I see her.” I ruffled Maylie’s hair and she flashed me a big toothy smile.

“Will you go ask her now, Aaron?”

“What? Maylie, I can’t text her, I don’t have her cell number.” Aspen let out a soft giggle and pointed towards the stairway.

I didn’t understand what Maylie was saying, but then I heard Aspen’s voice coming from downstairs. Maylie looked at me with a big smile and ran back down the stairs, with me following after her.

Aspen was sitting on a couch with my mother and they were talking. My mom looked happier than she had earlier this morning, and Aspen looked happy and gorgeous. Mom had thrown her nice robe over top of her pajamas, and she had tied her hair up; she looked more like herself. Aspen had a dark red tank top on, covered by her green flannel, with light grey baggy pants and a black toque with a rose stitching on her head. Her lips were painted a dark red and she was wearing black eyeliner, which she normally doesn’t wear.

“Hi sweetie,” Mom smiled at me and stood up, “Aspen swung by early and I couldn’t just leave her outside in the cold, so I decided to introduce myself.”

“I was up really early this morning,” Aspen explained, “so I figured I would just wait in your driveway, but then your mom saw my car and invited me inside. If you’re not ready yet I can wait, we’ve got plenty of time.”

“No, I’m ready now. I was up early too.” My voice sounded shaky as I spoke and I cleared my throat.

“Well why don’t you stay here for a few more minutes?” Mom pressed her hand on my shoulder so I was sitting closely beside Aspen, “If you two have plenty of time I’m sure you can spare a few minutes so that Aspen and I can get to know each other. I’m going to go grab a coffee, but I’ll be right back.” Mom hurried into the kitchen excitedly, and she was grinning way too big.

“I’m sorry about my mother,” I sighed, “she’s just very excited to meet you.”

“Don’t worry about it, I like your family.” Aspen smiled at me and grabbed my hand. My stomach twisted where she touched me, and it felt weird holding her hand around my family.

“You look really nice today by the way,” I gave Aspen’s hand a small squeeze. “I like the hat, it suits you.”

“Thanks,” Aspen’s cheeks went rosy, “this is my first time wearing it.”

“You should wear it more often,” I tugged on the edge of her hat a little and Aspen stuck her tongue out at me.

“Oh my god,” we broke apart as my mom came rushing back with a cup of coffee in her hands, “you two are so cute! Aaron never brought girls over back in Niagara.”

“Mom,” I let out a sigh as Aspen covered her mouth to stifle a laugh, “are you going to show Aspen my baby pictures too?”

“Aaron, don’t be silly, we don’t have enough time for that. You can just show Aspen when she comes over after school today.” Mom sat down on the chair across from Aspen and I, and she was looking at us as if she just won the lottery.

“What?” Aspen gave me a confused look.

“Maylie was hoping that you and Lacey could come over after school today so the girls can play together,” I explained to Aspen. “Apparently I’m no longer enough fun when it comes to playing with dolls.”

“Yeah that works. They’re having a playdate and we’re having a babysitting date.” Aspen wiggled her eyebrows at me and I stuck my tongue out at her.

“You two are just adorable,” Mom gushed watching us, “you remind me of your father and me when we first started dating. We were so smitten with one another; your father looked at me exactly how you look at Aspen.”

I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks, and I watched the way Aspen buried her face in her hair as she blushed.

“So,” Mom continued talking, “Aaron says that you two are going to a party together. When’s that going to be?”

“Yeah, it’s being thrown by this guy on the football team. It’s Saturday night, at his house. He has these parties often and they’re always in control, you have nothing to worry about Ms. Benson. I can pick Aaron up since he doesn’t have his car yet, and I’ll bring him home.”

“I wasn’t worried,” Mom smiled warmly at Aspen, “and please, call me Jackie. Now, you two should probably get going if you don’t want to be late.”

“It was really nice to meet you, Jackie.” Aspen stood up with her hand still holding mine.

“Nice to meet you too, Aspen. I’m assuming you’ll be around more often; Bailey and I would love to see you around more, and I know Aaron would too.” Mom winked at me and I heard Aspen laughed under her breath.

Aspen released my hand as we made our way to the front and put on our boots and jackets. A white and black checkered scarf was wrapped around Aspen’s neck, and it brought out the colour of her lips.

We waved goodbye to Mom and then went to Aspen’s car; it looked weird seeing her car parked in my driveway, but it looked like it belonged there.

“You’re really good at that,” I chuckled as I opened her car door, “talking to parents, I mean. I’m surprised my mother didn’t just invite you into the family.”

“I like your mom,” Aspen began to pull the car out of the library, “she’s very straightforward. Also, I think she’s planning our wedding as we speak. She seems more invested in this than we are.”

“I am so sorry about that,” I let out an embarrassed laugh, “my entire family thinks that we’re dating, and they don’t seem to understand me when I inform them of the truth.”

“It’s fine,” Aspen let out a shaky laugh as she began to drive, “it’s really icy out today.”

“Yeah,” I exhaled as I saw how tightly Aspen had wrapped her fingers around the steering wheel, “do you want me to drive? I promise to not crash your car.”

Aspen hesitated, but then pulled the car over to the side of the road.

“You can start driving from now on,” Aspen exhaled as she switched seats with me.

“When Reese drives my car down I can start picking you up places, and I’ll be able to actually take you out somewhere.

“Well aren’t you a gentlemen.” Aspen poked me in the ribs, and I saw the colour return to her cheeks when she fastened her seatbelt.

“Yeah, well if you get to be this mysterious girl who’s all perfect and everything, I get to be a gentleman and at least hold a door open for you or pick you up to take you out.”

“You don’t have to do that, you know. Also, I’m not perfect. Have you seen me drive?”

“Okay, that’s true. Anyways, I already have an idea of where we’re going once I get my car back.”

I pulled the car back onto the road, and we continued to drive towards school. I thought about how boring the rest of the day was going to be. My classes were all really easy, except for fitness, and I would be spending the entire day just waiting to get to fourth period so I could see Aspen.

“Are your other courses really easy? Mine are really easy.”

“Yeah,” Aspen laughed, “I’m always bored out of my mind because I get the work pretty quickly. Usually I just read under my desk.”

I drove the car straight through the stoplights, passing the school parking lot.

“Aaron,” Aspen let out a hesitant laugh, “you went the wrong way. You should have taken a turn at the stoplights.”

“I was thinking,” I felt my lips fold into a smirk, “why don’t we go somewhere fun today? We can still be home to pick up the girls, and you just said that all of your classes are super easy. I highly doubt you’ll struggle to catch up.”

“We have classes today, Aaron!” Aspen’s voice rose as she spoke and we eyes were wide.

“That’s the point,” I laughed, “we’re skipping. If you really don’t want to I’ll turn around. I just thought it’d be much more fun to spend all day talking rather than one period. We’ll be back in time to pick the girls up and bring them back to my place, I swear.”

Aspen fiddled with her hands in her lap, but eventually I saw a small smile crack.

“You promise that we’ll be back in time?”

“I swear on my baseball card collection.”

I let a faint smile spread across my face, and after a moment Aspen smiled back.

“Okay,” Aspen nudged my arm, “so what fun place are we going? I took us to the playground, so you have to pick this time. You do know where we’re going, right?”

“Have a little more faith in me, huh?” Aspen laughed as she turned on the radio, and flipped through the channels until she found a station that she liked.

“I love this song!” Aspen smiled as the sound of a guitar rang through the speakers, and a low voice began to sing. Aspen tapped her fingers on her knees and hummed the words to herself. “My grandmother used to sing this song to me whenever I couldn’t fall asleep. One time when I was nine years old there was a really big thunderstorm. I was hiding under my blanket because I was so scared! She came into my room and sang the song over and over again until I fell asleep. It’s always been my favourite.”

“So you’re okay with talking about her, then?”

“Life would be too quiet if we didn’t talk about the sad things, Aaron.”

Aspen made me think of my mother. She is strong, and I know that she is strong, but it still feels like I can’t talk about her and her addiction. It feels like this huge, horrible secret that needs to be kept quiet. At my old school it was no big deal; it’s never a big deal. But I’ve never had a new friend whose grandmother was killed by a drunk driver like my mother was. There’s never been a girl I’ve felt this way about; this feels different.

“I really like talking with you,” Aspen smiled at me and I felt my stomach flip a little, “you’re really great.”

“Thanks,” I managed to breathe out, “you too. Do you mind if we go somewhere quiet?”

“I would really, really like that. It’d be nice to get to ask questions without hearing my idiotic cousin’s voice shouting nonstop.” Aspen’s hand fell to her side, her palm facing upwards. I wanted to reach out and hold it, but I wasn’t sure if she wanted me to.

“Yeah,” my voice shook as I talked, “that still seems weird to me. You two are polar opposites. He’s such an asshole and you’re so, you.”

“I’m so me? I’m going to assume that you mean that in a good way?” Aspen laughed softly, and she began to fiddle with the ring on her finger.

“I mean, everything about you is completely different from him. You’re incredible. The way you think about things is so much different than anyone else I’ve ever talked to, and you manage to be practically the top in all of your classes yet you still have time to help out Lacey’s moms and babysit every single day. You’re so good with kids, and you manage to be funny without ever hurting anyone’s feelings. We’ve known each other for basically no time at all, but you just seem like you have the capacity to change the world.”

“You’re quite the confidence booster, aren’t you Benson?” Aspen pushed her elbow onto the glove compartment and rested her head in her hand, looking at me adoringly. “Is this normally how you would woo the girls back at your other schools? You’d tell them they can change the world?”

I pulled the car into an empty parking lot that I found on the side of a long road. There were squirrels running around and they all scattered as I parked the car across two faded parking spots.

Aspen opened her door and climbed out of her car. The ground was a sheet of ice, and I held onto my door as I struggled to stay standing. The wind was strong, and I felt goosebumps crawling along my neck.

“You had no idea we were coming here, did you?”

“Nope. I figured we’d find someplace along the way.”

“Yeah, you just got lucky.” Aspen leaned against the back of my car and crossed her arms over her chest. “Alright, so what do you want to know first? My favourite colour? My most embarrassing story? Who my celebrity crush it?”

I grabbed my school bag from the back of my car, and pulled out my notebook and a pen. Aspen took the notebook from my hands and flipped it open to my list of questions.

“You really put a lot of thought into this, didn’t you Benson?” A small smile spread along Aspen’s face, and she had small dimples form.

“I don’t know,” I stood in front of Aspen and took her hand in mine, “there’s a lot that I want to know about you. I didn’t want to forget any of the stuff that I want to know. I’m curious about more than just your favourite colour and celebrity crush, although I can guarentee my embarassing story is much worse than yours.”

The snow blew in the air as Aspen and I walked around the parking lot, kicking more snow up with our feet. Aspen’s hand interlocked with mine, and my other hand sat in my jean pocket. My thumb slowly brushed over a small beauty mark on her hand and Aspen’s hand warmed in my own, her fingers tapping against the back of my hand.

“Alright then,” Aspen smiled and pulled me over to a snowy bench near our car, “what’s your first question?”

Aspen handed me back my list of questions, and my eyes grazed over them until I landed on the right one.

“What was the best thing that you did over the summer?”

The wind blew snow up in our faces and Aspen’s hair blew back, revealing bright, rosy cheeks. Her eyes crinkled as she recalled a memory.

“Jay and I created our own little waterpark in his backyard. We had this huge tarp and covered it with water and made a slip n’ slide, and we set up a hose spraying water down a slide. His grass was so soggy and ruined after that, but it was worth it.”

The thought of Aspen and Jay having a waterpark in his backyard made me laugh. Jay seemed like a big partier.

“That sounds like a lot of fun. How long have you two have been friends for?”

“Yeah, since we started high school. We’ve eaten lunch together every day since grade nine, and we hung out a lot last summer. Oh actually,” Aspen pulled her phone out of her pocket, “I should probably text him so that he knows we aren’t going to be around for lunch.”

Aspen fired off a text to Jay, and then put her phone back in her pocket.

“Hey,” Aspen looked up at me and her eyebrows furrowed, “I just realized something. You never texted me after I gave you my phone number.”

“Oh,” I let out a short laugh, “I sort of lost your phone number. Well, not lost actually, but the paper got smudged and I couldn’t read it.”

“You should have just asked for my number again, silly.” Aspen nudge my shoulder and her dimples came back when she laughed. I felt myself smiling back mindlessly; it was almost impossible to not smile when looking at Aspen. “Here, give me your cell phone. I’ll type my number in, that way you can’t lose it.”

She held her hand out to me, and she released my hand when she held my phone. I had forgotten we were still holding hands, it felt natural to hold her hand. Aspen typed in her number on my phone contacts and sent herself a text. She passed my phone back to me, and I slid it in my pocket.

“Now you won’t lose my number again, and you can actually text me this time.” The leafless tree branches rustled all around us and Aspen shivered beside me, moving in to sit closer beside me.

“If you’re cold we could sit in my car, it’s warm in there.” I took both of Aspen’s hands in my own to warm them up.

“No way,” Aspen leaned her head on my shoulder and her knee was pushed up against mine, “I like it exactly where we are.”

Despite the cold weather, I felt warm. Aspen seemed to have that effect on me; she drove me crazy, made me say and do things I normally never would, and she made me warm. Her hands were buzzing under my own, and I felt my heartbeat increase at her sudden closeness.

“I like it too,” I felt my lips fold into a smile, and I imagined Aspen doing the same. “What’s it like being related to Charlie?”

Aspen’s laugh echoed in my ear, and it sounded even more beautiful up close.

“That’s what you’re thinking about right now? We’re sitting here together, having a moment, and you’re thinking about my cousin?”

“How was I supposed to know this is a moment?”

“This was a moment,” Aspen lifted her head off my shoulder and stuck her tongue out at me, “Anyways, it can be annoying. His parents don’t have a clue about what kind of jerk he is. One time when the principal tried to suspend Charlie for getting into a fight, my uncle told the principal that he was going to sue. They’re ridiculous; they think he’s perfect.”

“He seemed to listen to you in the cafeteria pretty quickly. What’d you do?”

“Well,” a mischievous smile spread across Aspen’s lips, “I may have told him that I found all of his playboy magazines at thanksgiving, and I would show them to his mother if he didn’t stop. She may think he’s not a jerk, but she would flip if she found him reading that kind of crap. Want to know the best part?”

I nodded my head yes and Aspen’s smile turned even more evil and suspicious.

“I didn’t even find any magazines. I just took a lucky guess that he would read that bullshit, and I was right. Typical Charlie; he’s actually really predictable.”

Aspen threw her head back in laughter, leaning into my shoulder.

“Is he from your mom’s side, or your dad’s? Do you have any other cousins?”

“It’s just Charlie and I, our moms are sisters. My dad was an only child, and my Aunt stopped after her perfect Charlie.” Her tone changed when she said his name, like even his name was a horrible thing.

“Yeah, I don’t have any cousins. My dad is an only child too, and so is my mom. That’s another reason why I was so thankful for Maylie; I was always the only kid at the family gatherings. What were you like when you were little?”

“It was very loud and extremely hyper. I have this one memory,” Aspen laughed softly, “I think I was four or five years old, and it was the summer time. We had just gotten a little inflatable pool from Walmart, and I decided it would be a good idea to use the sides to bounce on. I broke the pool within less than a week. My parents were pretty mad, but my grandmother thought it was so funny. She couldn’t stop laughing when it finally popped, which only encouraged me.”

“Okay, so you were still exactly the same, only younger?”

“Hey!” Aspen shoved my arm and stuck her tongue out at me. She crossed her arms over her chest and buried her face to hide her obvious smile.

“I never said it was a bad thing!” My hands went up defensively, and Aspen interlocked our fingers.

Aspen’s fingertips were cold and white, and her cheeks grew pink from the cold.

“Are you sure that you don’t want to go in the car? We don’t have to leave, we can just sit there and listen to more music and talk.”

“It’s so pretty our here,” Aspen’s teeth chattered while she talked, “I’d say frostbite is worth the view.”

“You’re ridiculous, you know that right? You’re shivering; we’re going in the car.”

Aspen pulled my hand close to her chest, and I could feel her heartbeat. Her breathing was deep and cold on my neck. Her lips looked soft and her eyes were wide. My hand was cold in her freezing hand, but it was the warmest I had ever felt.

“Are you holding my hand because it’s cold out or because you want to hold my hand?” Aspen’s breathe cooled my face when she talked.

“I’m holding your hand because I want to hold your hand, Aspen.”

“Okay, then we can go in the car.” Aspen smiled proudly as she stood up from the bench, pulling me up with her. I couldn’t stop my stomach from feeling funny when I realized how she wouldn’t go to the car because she just wanted to hold my hand.

“You’re ridiculous,” I laughed as she pulled me back towards her car. The snow began to pick up speed as we crawled in the backseat of Aspen’s car, and there were flakes of snow tangled in her hair. My hand felt cold when she let go of it; I hadn’t realized how numb my hands were until I wasn’t holding hers.

The car doors slammed as we shut them behind us, and I reached my hand to the ignition to plug in the keys. The faint humming of the heaters filled the car, and Aspen’s teeth stopped chattering as she settled back into the seat.

“What’s your biggest accomplishment?”

“Probably convincing my parents to get a dog. They love Lulu now, but they were really hesitant about getting a dog first. What about you?”

“Nope, these are my questions. You’ve already had your turn to ask about my life story, now it’s my turn. What’s something that cheers you up?”

“Sitting in my room listening to music really loudly always puts me in the best mood. Especially when it’s really sunny out and the sun makes my carpet all warm. I think that’s one of the best feelings ever.”

“Do you turn everything poetic?”

Aspen’s lips curved, and there was a small sign of dimples. God, I love her dimples.

“Do you think that you’re an easy person to get along with?”

“It depends on the person. I get along with you well, of course. But there have been some people at school that have seriously ticked me off.”

“Yeah,” I scoffed, “like Charlie. He doesn’t seem too happy to have me around.”

“Don’t worry about him; he’s just jealous of you. You’re the new kid, so there was a lot of attention on you. Charlie gets mad at anyone who gets more attention than he does, it’s ridiculous.” Aspen’s shuffled in the seat, and her leg was now against mine. I could feel her body heat burning a hole in my pants, and I wanted more than ever to reach out and touch her.

“Do you have any bad habits?”

“I’m skipping school with the cute new guy at school, does that count?” Her lips pouted when she talked, and she was constantly biting the inside of her lip. There was a strand of hair covering her face, and her cheeks turned rosy when I tucked it behind her ear. Her skin felt hot when I my hand brushed against her cheek.

“Would you consider yourself to be outgoing?”

“Completely.” Aspen took her winter coat off, and there was a small spot of her stomach showing between her pants and her tank top. The way her body curved looked like the waves of an ocean. Everything about Aspen seemed new and beautiful.

“What’s one of your guilty pleasures?”

“Watching reality tv shows, even though I hate them. They’re all ridiculous and horribly scripted, but I am still dying to know what’s happening in the lives of the Kardashians.”

“That’s a horrible guilty pleasure. You should definitely feel guilty for liking to watch the Kardashians.”

“You’re not supposed to judge someone’s guilty pleasures!” Aspen hit her fist against my shoulder.

“No, you’re not supposed to tell people guilty pleasures. Judging your guilty pleasures is the entire point.”

Aspen’s laugh echoed over the buzz of the car, and she leaned her head on her hand. Her hair was lying to the side, and it revealed another beauty mark along her jaw that I had never noticed before.

“What’s your idea of a perfect day?” My voice felt calmer than it had when we first started talking, but I was more nervous than I was when I had first met Aspen. Now I knew what she was like, and I knew that I wanted her to be impressed by me.

“I don’t necessarily have an idea of a perfect day, I kind of just go with what happens and try to make things perfect if I can.” Aspen scooted to sit closer beside me, and her body was leaning against mine with her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her back, and I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. My palms felt clammy and I could feel my breath growing short. “Right now feels pretty perfect to me.”

I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to cup her face in my hands and kiss her. Before when we were sitting beside each other I wanted to hold her. Now I am holding her, but now I want to kiss her.

“Don’t you want to know about my love life, my dark past, or something a little juicier?” Aspen took my hand in hers and played with my fingers while she talked.

“You have a dark past?” I couldn’t hide the scoff in my voice, the thought of Aspen having a dark past seemed almost humorous.

“Once when I was seven, my parents took me to the toy store to buy me a new doll, and I stole a lollipop. Of course, I didn’t know I was stealing it. I thought they were there for anyone to grab. When my mom saw me eating it she took me back to the store and I had to apologize to the manager. I was crying so badly, so he just gave me another lollipop.”

“Wow, what a rebel.”

The car began to shake as the wind grew strong, and the trees outside looked as if they were about to fall down. It was a good thing I convinced Aspen to come in the car when I did, we would’ve gotten frostbite by now.

“Can I see your list again? I’m really curious about what you want to know about me.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out the crumpled up list, handing it to Aspen. I hadn’t asked very many of the questions that had been written down on my list; every second I was thinking of new things I wanted to know about her.

Aspen reached into her schoolbag, pulling out a pen and taking off the cap. She crossed off all of the questions that I had already asked, and dragged her finger down the list of questions.

“This is a good question, ask this one.” Aspen smiled and pointed to a question far down the list.

“You’re reading it on the paper right now; you already know what the question is.”

“Yeah, but,” Aspen titled her head up to meet my gaze. Her eyes looked soft and her smile made her look even more beautiful, “I like listening to your voice.”

“Oh.” I hadn’t been thinking very much about how my voice sounded around her. I was worried about how I couldn’t stop blushing around her, or how I could fall on my face any second, but I had never put much thought into the way I spoke. I didn’t think she would like my voice the way I liked hers. “Okay, have you ever been in love?”

“I thought I was in love during my freshman year. When Jay and I first met, he invited me over to his house one time and his cousin was staying with him for a couple months while his parents went to Europe. He is three years older, and a total badass. I tried to go over to Jay’s house every single day just to see him. I would sit on his couch and just stare at him and his leather jacket. Now that I think of it, I really don’t understand how I was attracted to him. He didn’t read books, didn’t like dogs, and he listened to rap music.”

I pictured a big muscular guy who barely fit into his tops sitting with Aspen, and I hated it. Aspen seemed like she should be with someone more compassionate who wears knit sweaters and likes to sit by the fireplace cuddling, like Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower.

“But besides that, there hasn’t been anything. Although I would consider myself to be in love with Ezra Miller and Robert Pattinson, but I unfortunately don’t see those relationships going anywhere anytime soon.”

“Do you want to be in a relationship?”

“With Robert Pattinson? Of course. With someone from our high school? Possibly.”

“I think you’re really great, Benson.” Aspen turned to smile at me and it felt as if there was a swarm of bees inside of my stomach. “I also think that food is really great, and it is very close to lunch. Do you want to go out somewhere? I know a great coffee shop not too far from here that also serves the best chocolate croissants in town.”

Aspen opened up her car door slightly, but the wind blew it fully open. We both crawled out of the backseat and into the front, Aspen in the passenger seat and me in the driver’s. The seats were toasty warm, and Aspen sat on her hands. I pulled the car out of the parking spot, and began driving where Aspen told me to go.

The snow was coming down harder than it had been before, and it was almost too snowy to actually see where we were going. I could see that Aspen was nervous, even though I was the one driving, and I reached my hand out to place it on her leg.

“Thank you,” she smiled faintly at me, “I’m sorry for being such a menace in the car.”

“Aspen, you’re not a menace. I get it. If someone that I was really close with died from being hit by a car, I think I’d be nervous as well.”

If someone that I was really close with died because of a drunk driver, I don’t know how I’d react if the girl I was going on a date with had an alcoholic for a mother. It’s like I have to choose between staying close with Aspen but lying to her, or telling the truth and risking everything.

My fingers tapped a pattern on Aspen’s jeans, and it felt natural to touch her. Her skin was soft and warm against my own clammy hands.

“Would you have talked to me if we hadn’t met when Maylie ran over to meet Lacey? Do you think you would have said hello in the halls or something?” My question had been aching to be asked since I first met her, but I was almost worried to know the answer.

“I’m not sure. You’re still a mystery to our entire school; everyone wants to know what the new kid is like and who you’ll. I like to think that I would have, but I don’t know if I would have been confident enough when the time rolled around.”

“What do you mean you wouldn’t be confident enough? Why would you not be confident?” Aspen was still this picture perfect, strong, confident girl to me that it didn’t overly make sense to hear her talk about any insecurities or worries she may have.

“You’re the cute new kid, every single girl in our school is curious about you. We’re filled with hormones and curiosity; it can be quite disgusting honestly.”

There was a hint of red lying under her cheeks when she called me cute, and I knew there was much more than just a hint of red under mine.

“Jay and I made a bet before you came to school. I had been dating this college guy for a couple of weeks over the summer, because I found the guys at school absolutely intolerable. I still do, for the most part. Anyways, Jay bet that you would be this really great guy and not like the others. Personally, I think he was just saying this to make me feel better about that college guy and I breaking up.”

“Okay, so I’m the cute new kid who you and Jay bet on? I really hope that Jay is winning this bet, it sounds like you didn’t have too much faith.”

Aspen leaned her head against the cool window, letting out a sigh. I hadn’t noticed how defined her collarbone was, and the skin over it looked soft and tan.

My statement was left hanging in the air, with no response coming from Aspen. Her head was pressed against the window, her eyes faintly shut.

I turned on the radio and an old jazz song played softly through the speakers. Following the signs along the highway, I soon found the old coffee shop Aspen was referring to and pulled into a parking spot in front. The words Tilted Top Cafe blinked through the window, and I shook Aspen’s knee to gain her attention.

I could feel my beanie being weighed down from the snow, and when I took it off to shake out Aspen couldn’t hide her goofy smile.

“Is my hair that bad?” I let out with a dreaded sigh.

“I love your hair, and I hate how you cover it up. You should leave your hat off, it looks better that way. I like how you look without it.” I could hear her smile in the way she talked, and suddenly it didn’t feel so scary to leave my messy hair uncovered.

The warm air hit my face like a ton of bricks when we walked in, and I instantly removed my big, heavy coat. The walls were painted a dark green, and the wood of the furniture was old and brown. The cafe reminded me of a family cottage; homey and comfortable. This seemed like the kind of place Aspen would come to on a Sunday morning, and sit alone just drinking her coffee and reading for hours.

Aspen and I shuffled to a quiet table in the back corner, and I pulled out the seat for Aspen to sit in before throwing my coat on the chair across from hers.

“I think I’m going to get a hot cocoa and a chocolate croissant, what do you want?”

“I’ll get the same thing, thanks.” Aspen reached into her pocket and pulled out some cash. She tried to hand it to me, but I refused. “Benson, you don’t have to pay for me.”

“You didn’t have to show me around school on the first day, but you still did that. I’m paying for your order, and you’re going to love it.” I stuck my tongue out at Aspen and made my way to the front counter.

A tall man with dark blonde hair stood behind the counter organizing milk cartons. His hair swooped to the left, and there was a hint of blue dye showing. He smiled at me politely as I walked up to the counter, and I reviewed my order in my head repeatedly.

“What can I get for you?” His voice was husky and gruff, very different from mine. Did girls prefer a husky voice for a guy? Would Aspen prefer a husky voice over mine?

“Two medium hot cocoas and two chocolate croissants please. Oh, and could you add extra whipped cream to both of the hot cocoas please.” I stuttered over my words, and I bit my tongue twice when I asked for whipped cream.

The barista, I saw that his name tag read Jake, looked over my shoulder to Aspen. His eyes widened when he saw her reading on her phone and his gaze flipped from me to her and me again.

“Are you with her?” He asked with obvious shock as he pointed towards Aspen.

“Yeah, her name is Aspen.”

“I know who she is, she’s here almost every single week. Are you two on a date? I’ve asked her out several times before, and she’s always said no. She’s said no to every guy who I’ve seen ask her out, and there’s been a lot.” Having to hear about other guys asking Aspen out made my jaw clench.

“Oh, no I don’t think it’s a date. Could I just get my order please?”

“Yeah, sure.” Jake began to make our drinks, and I tapped my fingers nervously on the counter. He looked back at Aspen four times while he made the hot cocoa, and another two when he was putting our croissants in a bag.

“You have no idea how lucky you are. That chick turns down guys more than any other girl I’ve seen.” I handed him a twenty and mumbled a thank you before racing away with my head down.

Obviously I’m lucky to be hanging out with her. That was a stupid thing for him to say.

“Here you go,” I slumped in my chair and passed Aspen her drink and pastry. Everything smelled really good, and I hoped Jake was better at making cocoa than he was at talking about chicks.

“This smells delicious. Thank you, you didn’t have to do that.” Aspen took a big sip of her cocoa, and didn’t even flinch at how hot it was. “What did you think of Jake?”

“You know him?” I couldn’t help the way my voice wreaked of jealousy.

“I come here often, and he works here often. We talk from time to time, although he’s usually the one doing the talking.”

“He seems very fond of you. He was telling me about all of your many suiters, apparently you’re quite the bachelorette around here.”

“Are you jealous of Jake?” A small smile spread across Aspen’s face, and she failed to hide it behind her foam cup.

“No, obviously not. Do you want me to be jealous?” I could feel the heat in my cheeks, but I wasn’t sure if it was from my usual embarrassment or because of what that Jake guy had said.

“You’re ridiculous.” Her lips smiled softly at me as she took a bite out of her chocolate croissant. I followed suit and tried mine, and I swear on my book collection I have never tasted anything so good. It was all soft and fluffy, and the chocolate was so sweet and rich.

“Oh my god,” I gaped with my mouth full, “this is delicious.”

“Yeah, I know.” Aspen smiled smugly and took another bite of her croissant as I took three.

I tried a sip of my hot cocoa, and although it burned my tongue I couldn’t stop drinking it. It was as if everything in this cafe was made by five-star chefs.

“Okay, don’t choke. I still need you to take me to that party.” A mumbled sigh escaped my lips at the mention of the party, and Aspen shot me a playful glare across the table.

“I’m really not that much of a partier, Aspen. I don’t really talk to anyone at school besides you and Jay, and I can’t dance to save my life.”

Aspen’s arm brushed against my own, and she left it there just a second too long. Suddenly I was hyperaware of the way our feet were touching underneath the table, or how I only had to lean in the smallest bit and I could be kissing Aspen.

“Dancing is much easier, and way more fun, when you have a partner. You and I can dance together, we can talk all night, and I promise to not leave your side. You’re going to have fun, don’t worry.”

“Okay,” I sighed. Aspen did a happy dance in her chair, and I’m not sure I had seen her look so cute or so happy. I love seeing her happy. “Which year was the best year of your life?”

“Every year feels better than the last. I get to read new books, find new music,” Aspen reached across the table and interlocked her fingers with mine, “and I get to go on new adventures with new people.

“We’re going on an adventure?” The way my voice shook was obvious, thankfully Aspen seemed more focused on our hands.

“I’d like you to be more than just an adventure.” Every other person in this cafe had disappeared. Jake, the other customers, they had all vanished. It was only Aspen and I, sitting together in the back corner of this new cafe. She was leaning closer towards me, and I was leaning closer to her. Her eyelashes were long, her pupils were big, and she was breathing heavier than I was. Her gaze flashed from my lips, to my eyes, and then back to my lips. Her tongue grazed softly over her lips, and her cheeks were pink and tan. “I really like you, Benson.”

A bell rung in the background, and I saw an old lady enter out of the corner of my eye. Aspen’s grandmother flashed across my face, and I scooted my chair back from the table. Our hands tore apart, and I dropped my gaze to my empty palm.

“I’m sorry,” Aspen sounded hurt, and it hurt to hear, “I wasn’t trying to scare you. I shouldn’t have said that.” She quickly took the last bite of her croissant, and then raced out to her car with her jacket and hot cocoa.

“Aspen,” my voice was brittle as I called after her, and she was already sitting in the car by the time I made it outside. Her cheeks were bright red when I crawled in the driver’s seat, and she covered her face in her hands the instant I sat down.

“That was so stupid,” Aspen laughed sheepishly, and I pulled her hands down from her face but she buried her face in her shoulder. “Can we just ignore the past ten minutes and go back to gushing about how delicious the croissants are.”

“No, Aspen. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I don’t know why I did that, I’m sorry. I really like you too, I just freaked. Let’s start driving back now; it’s a long drive and we have a babysitting date, remember? C’mon Aspen, I’m the stupid one.”

I began to pull the car out of the driveway, and it wasn’t until we had been in the car for a solid fifteen minutes before Aspen finally stopped looking out the window. Her lips were pursed together and she twisted the ring on her finger repeatedly.

The image of Aspen’s face so close to mine replayed in my mind like a broken record. Her nose was practically touching mine, and I could feel her breath against my neck. She had been staring at my lips, and I could have kissed her. I could have kissed her.

The roads were more snow than ice, and I wanted more than ever to hold Aspen’s hand. I am an i***t, and I need to tell Aspen about my mom.