Pulling Through

COMPARISONS

It was almost noon when Ally parked outside Jo´s place, she rushed to the door and started pounding at it.

It took a few minutes, but the knob finally started turning open.

-C´mon hun, let´s go! I´m starvin… - Ally paused, frozen as her eyes landed on Jo´s sickly features, her face unnaturally greenish – What is it Jo?

Jo went to speak but her eyes widened immediately in panic and she bolted for the bathroom, where Ally heard her vomit her guts out all the way to the entrance of the house.

She let herself in and closed the door, taking Jamie´s hand into hers and heading for the living room, sitting on the couch. She passed him a few of the big Lego blocks lying around and she helped him build a tower as she waited.

When Jo finally came out from the bathroom, her face looked a little less pale than before.

-You´re pregnant again, aren´t you?- Ally asked, raising an eyebrow and staring at her.

-Yeah- Jo sighed spreading on the couch- we just found out a couple days ago, It´s the worst timing ever, Saul has been struggling a bit at his firm, children are just so expensive to have and well… I was just starting to think I was through the worse part of raising an infant and now I have to start all over again.

-Are you kidding me? I would kill to get pregnant and you´re complaining about it, for fuck´s sake Jo! Why can´t you see how lucky you are? You i***t.

Jo stared at her for a second before reaching to grab Ally´s hand. Giving it a little squeeze.

-Hey, I know hun. It´s just, motherhood is not precisely a walk in the park. Trust me, we all have this romanticized idea of what it should be. But when you´re stuck twenty-four seven raising a kid and being terrified about screwing it up, it just gets so frustrating… You´ll see it for yourself in no time, girl, just don´t give up.

She smiled at her and Ally´s eyes watered as she held her gaze.

-I don´t know Jo, I wouldn´t be so sure about that. Right now, I am not even capable of f*****g my own husband. We haven´t had s*x in weeks and I don´t think I even want to anymore.

-W-why?- Jo frowned as she held her shoulder-You just couldn´t get enough of him, what changed?

Ally´s eyes traveled to her lap and she felt her tears run down her cheeks.

-This- she sobbed pointing sadly at her belly- My f*****g womb got in the way and I´m feeling as such a failure right now. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and stay there forever.

She paused and wiped her face, sniffling a little and looking at Jo.

-Then this happens- she sighed- I don´t think I told you yet… but even my brother got his girl accidentally pregnant. And now you are pregnant too… so, it seems like everyone can do it effortlessly except for me, and that just crushes my soul.

-Ok, you need to stop it already with all the self-pity kiddo. We all have our own problems, life is not a bed of roses. You better start seeing the whole picture and stop focusing on the things you think everybody has but you don´t. Just quit making your damn comparisons between you and everyone else.

-Yeah- Ally groaned throwing her head back on the couch- I just don´t know how. It´s just like these f*****g thoughts are always lurking in the back of my mind, ever ready to make me feel like s**t. I don´t know how to make them stop.

-Well, maybe you need something else to keep your brain busy with, hun. Why don´t you pick up a hobby? What about starting writing again? You always seemed so happy when you wrote for that rock magazine back in the day.

-Yeah, that was nice- Ally said, giving her a half smile- Good times, huh? We had such a blast in all those concerts I covered as press.

-See? You could always do that again if you wanted to.

-I don´t have the time or the energy anymore, Jo- Ally replied thoughtfully- but you still might be on to something here, I like the writing part. I do have a couple ideas for a book I´ve been postponing for a while now. Maybe I should revisit those.

-There you go- Jo cheered happily as she patted her arm- You do that and who knows… maybe you´ll find yourself a cathartic way to cope with all the emotions you´re feeling right now.

Ally winced when her thoughts went back to Gus and their current situation. She´d been turning him down every time he´d tried to make a move on her and she felt guilty as hell. But whenever he touched her now she would end up inevitably thinking about how useless her p***y was and that had become a major turn off. So, her libido was totally f****d up by now.

-What about my s*x problem?- she whispered- How do I get my desire back? I don´t want to keep pushing him away, but I can´t help it. I just recoil at his touch and his heart breaks every time, I can see it in his eyes… I just want my s*x life back! But I don´t know how to fix this.

Jo gave her a sympathetic look and sighed a bit- Well girl, I think you need to identify the root of this first, why do you think this is happening to you?

-Well- Ally breathed out- to be honest, it started slowly. Like a worm, it began eating my mind out little by little. I guess all those doctor´s appointments, all the treatments I´d been going through have been taking my self-confidence away with every failure. The scheduled s*x, the hormones… Then the thought that I´m not enough of a woman to bear life is just tearing my brain apart.

She paused for a moment and scratched her head mindlessly, tugging at her hair.

-And, don´t get me wrong, I want him… a lot- she sighed- he´s still as great as ever when it comes to the art of pleasuring. He´s such an amazing lover and this is definitely not his fault at all. This is all me, I know it. I´m lacking something and that makes me feel like a freak. I can´t get this intrusive thought out of my head that, because of this condition, I´m less of a lady. That somehow, I´m not at his level anymore. So he should be looking for someone better.

Ally turned to face Jo and she found her piercing eyes looking at her in anger.

-That´s the stupidest conclusion anyone has gotten to, ever since flat earthers became a thing. First things first Ally, what is it with this archaic view you´re having about s*x just as a mean for reproduction?- she rolled her eyes- I thought better of you.

Jo crossed her arms over her chest and puffed.

-Listen to me kiddo, you need to separate your p***y from that messy brain of yours. The sack is the worst place possible to be thinking about all your damn s**t. Just focus on your pleasure and leave everything else out of it, or you´re gonna keep on having a dry v****a and a crappy s*x life.

She stood up and picked James up from the floor,then grabbed her purse while Ally remained seated roaming on her words.

-C´mon Ally- Jo called her from the door- I just barfed all my breakfast out and I´m starving to death, let´s go already before I end up killing you and having you for lunch.