Reborn

Chapter 4

Most call it a pity party. On any other day, I would too. Today though I call it my reality. Waking up in the morning and realizing you just can't pretend to be okay anymore. You don't want to pretend any longer. Some people can take you back to the moment it all went downhill, or at least back to the day. I never could. It feels like I woke up one day and I wasn't okay anymore, then I forgot what okay felt like. All I knew was that I didn't want to feel like this anymore. 

What do I feel like, you may ask? Well, sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean and I can't swim, but somehow I'm not drowning. I'm just stuck in a constant state of anxiety. Some days I'm numb, completely removed from everything. I know how I want to feel but I just can't seem to be capable of feeling that way.  The feeling is stuck behind an impenetrable wall.  But if I'm lucky, I simply exist. I'm tired. 

******

Days like these I would spend inside my head until I learn how to breathe again. That brings questions though. So I get up from bed, take a shower, get dressed, put on my smile, and let the world see what they want to see. It works quite well for me, this trick. No one wants to see ugly, you see. So if I put on a smile, happiness is what people will see. Even with tears running down my face, they'll hear my laugh, not my pain.

The old lady in front of me is speaking. I can't hear her; I can't read her lips either. Sore hip? No, the way she's stomping her foot suggests otherwise. Back pain? Possible, she is a little hunched forward. One thing is for sure though, she wants to see David.

" Please have a seat, Ma'am. The doctor will be with you in about 30 minutes."  

She stops talking, looking puzzled, "You've been listening to me."

I keep smiling at her.

"Alright, then I'll wait for him, dear. A few minutes is not gonna kill me. I understand he is busy. "

"Would you like something to drink?"

"No, thank you, dear. I'm alright."

I dismiss her as soon as she sits down. Looking at her filled-out form I try to get an idea of what her visit is about. Chest pains. Wouldn't have guessed that one. I process the folder and put it on the corner of my desk for David to take when he comes out to call grams over there inside.

"What's wrong with you?" 

I look up to find Tania standing over me, looking ready to commit me into the nearest psych ward. 

"I didn't know there was something wrong with me. Seems to me you stand a better chance at answering your question than I do."

"That's exactly what I mean. The Amanda I know wouldn't bother with such a long-ass answer, she'd just roll her eyes at me."

I roll my eyes at her. I'm guessing I'm too late though; because she jumps over my desk. Yes, I said jump. Because apparently walking over to my side would've taken too long. This time I do roll my eyes without prompt. 

"I'll ask again, what's wrong with you?"

"I know it doesn't take much to bring your crazy out. But what brought this on?"

"Dave called me. You haven't made one mistake today, haven't misspelled one name, you haven't given him grief all day. Most of all, you haven't asked him about his friend the other day, even though you must be dying to do so."

Remember when I said people see what they want to? Well, there are exceptions to that. People who genuinely love and care for you tend to see beyond your cover-up smile. Most of the time they choose to let you keep your secrets until you are ready. If you haven't noticed, Tania and David don't let anything slide. It's both a blessing and a curse. 

"I don't have an answer for you, Nia." I sigh. Hoping the plea in my eyes will get through to her and she'll let this whole thing go. It doesn't.

"I know something is wrong and you are shutting me out again." She looks like she's ready to cry and I wouldn't put it past her to do exactly that to get me to talk. Innocent, she is not.

"Please don't cry, B"

"I don't want to and I'm out of options."

"I truly don't have an answer for you."

"You have an answer though."

I sigh, "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"b***h, you make use of the whole bed. There is no wrong side for you to wake up on."

"Very funny."

"I'm clearly not gonna win this. Go out with me tonight then."

"What, so you can get me drunk and start the interrogation all over again."

This she laughs at, "No, Ams. I'll let you drown your sorrows."

"That's not healthy," I say dryly. 

"It hasn't been done right." She winks, "You'll do it right."

I chuckle, giving in, "Alright, we can go get me started on my road to alcoholism. "

"So dramatic. I'll see you at seven!" She calls out, walking out from my side of the desk. Having decided that jumping is too much work apparently. 

****

"Remind me again, why did I agree to this?"

"Because you didn't want to part with your secrets and I wasn't going to let you lock yourself up at your place and wallow in misery for the rest of the night," Tania answers way too happy for my liking. 

"David, you snitch. You couldn't keep quiet, could you?" I glare at David. 

"We both know she would've found out about you and then she would've killed me." 

"Liar. She would've refused you s*x for a week." I roll my eyes.

"Exactly!"

Tania laughs at that and I can't help but join in. 

I look at them and my heart swells. These are my people and they care about me. I may never be able to share everything with them, but they have accepted the me they know and I'll forever be grateful to them for it. 

With that thought going through my mind, I decided to let go and have fun. 

"Nia, you promised to turn me into an alcoholic. So far, you're failing."

Not one to like failing at anything, she's out of her seat and off to the bar without a reply. David just shakes his head, knowing he's in for a long night if I'm getting drunk. 

***

"This isn't a strip club."

"You are not a stripper either."

I'm sure my friends thought their words would stop me from actually getting on that bar and taking off my clothes. Honestly, they should've known better by now. 

"I'm drunk, aren't I?" I asked Nia.

She laughed, "Nope, just tipsy hon."

I rolled my eyes at her. The b***h was lying and we both knew it. I still loved her for trying though. 

"Time for me to sober up. I'll go get myself some water on my way from the loo."

"I'll come with you." She started to get up but I stopped her.

"No, don't worry, I'm good. You can see the toilets from here. No need for you to come with me."

"She's right, love. We can watch from here." David piped in. Obviously happy for a few minutes to get his tongue down her throat. 

I laughed, giving him a look that told him I was on to him. He looked back at me innocently. Rolling my eyes, I left them to it. 

After bumping into a few people who were in my way, I finally made it to the toilet. Without wasting any time I took my dress off as soon as the door closed behind me.  I was getting on that bar, one way or another. With my lace underwear and heels, I felt decent enough to pull the stripper look off.  My hair was a mess, wild and untamed. Perfect. The stripper gods were cheering me on, I swear. 

Knowing I had only one chance at this, I was running as soon as I opened the door. I headed straight for the bar. I was already using one of the bar stools to help me get on the bar by the time Nia and Dave noticed what I was doing. By then,  they were too late, the bar patrons were cheering me on and there was no way I was stopping. 

"Please turn up the music over there, love." I winked at the stunned barmaid.

I wasn't sure she'd do it but she grinned at me and turned the music up. I told you, stripper gods. 

I spied my friends struggling to get to me but the crowd wasn't giving. I winked at them and let the song take over my body. Some guy singing about giving a Katalina and having her shake her booty for him. Clearly, this was meant to be. 

I've always believed that when it comes to the art of seduction, the trick is to tease. That's why my underwear remained on. I mean, there wasn't really much of it anyway. At some point during my amazing performance, I wanted a daddy too. The guy singing the song made it sound very appealing. My audience was the best. They were throwing money all over me. Ha! Not a strip club my ass! 

Suddenly, hands grab my waist and I was hauled off the bar. They were obviously male hands, and the owner smelled really good. I decided that the stripper gods were rewarding me for making them proud. 

"Are you going to be my daddy?" I purred into the guy's neck. 

I felt his laugh all over my body. 

"Are you gonna share all your secrets with me if I say yes?"

What an odd thing to say.

"Why would you wanna know my secrets? I just want you to be my daddy, not my priest."

He laughed again. Maybe I should drop David and take up comedy. I obviously missed my calling. 

As if my thoughts summoned him, David was by my side with Nia right next to him. 

"You said you were going to the toilet!" He glared at me.

"And you believed me?"

"Momentary stupidity." He grumbled.

"Is that what we call being horny these days?"

"Shut up, Ams. Let go of Mr. Destan so we can go get your clothes." 

I froze. Nia said Destan. She had to be mistaken. 

But even as I thought that I knew I was lying to myself.  I pulled my arms away from around the guy's neck and looked up into Caden's amused eye. 

"Hi mami." He winked. 

Everything went black.