Glimpse

IV

After what seemed like a minute of pause, the guy grins beside him as he shifts his position to properly face the teacher.

"Hm..." The guy scratches his chin. "Naranasan mo na bang ma-inlove, sir or maging intimate sa isa’t-isa? May someone special ka ba these days?" He asks, which catches the teacher in surprise.

His eyes pours guilt and regret from them, as he shakes his head "no".

No matter how long he tries to think about it, the more mysterious the word "love" sounds. It was incredibly unfamiliar to him, and he doesn't know what it truly means to love something... or someone.

He was a puppet — made only to entertain his mother.

The guy nods continuously, as a smile begins to form on his lips once more. He reaches for the hem of his enormous yellow jacket and slowly takes it off him. Underneath, his moderately slim body with enough tone comes out, covered in a black t-shirt that embraced him tightly.

The teacher could not help but stare for a fraction of a second and admire it, until he instinctively looked in another direction.

The jacket finds its way on the teacher's torso, as the guy covers him with it.

"Yan! Medjo maiitago tayo nitong jacket ko." He whispers.

The teacher now feels hot on his face. He does not know what will happen next, but he decides to stay quiet and wait patiently for the guy to initiate something.

"Nga pala, sir, naranasan mo na bang... makaramdam... sa lalaki?" The guy asks. The teacher's face turns warmer at the question, as he shakes his head as an answer. He is so embarrassed that the guy could not help but giggle as he looks at him.

"Grabe, sir, ngayon sure na talaga akong type kita." He chuckles heartily, looking at the still embarrassed figure of the teacher, who's now looking outside. "Ang cute mo."

"A-ano ba kaseng gagawin mo?" The teacher tries to change the topic, now feeling like his head is smoking out of the warmth of his face. "Tsaka isa pa, can you drop the "sir", please?" He says nervously. The guy chuckles in response.

"Okay, okay. Simple lang naman... Pagkakatiwalaan mo ba ako?" He giggles, knowing that the question is ridiculous. The teacher now looks at him directly, and immediately starts giggling on the rear side of the van.

How on earth can you just ask someone if they trust you after an hour of getting to know each other? That is reckless and dangerous. But also, the teacher feels as if it's too late to back down now.

He has decided to be free, even if it's only in this van — even if it's only inside this confined space — with a stranger. Even though it's absurd to think about. Even though it doesn't make sense.

In the end, he nods in response to the question. The guy grins at him.

"Yon!" He softly punches the air, earning a nervous giggle from the teacher.

This moment... This moment shall surely linger — not only in the teacher, but in the guy as well.

The van remains silent. The passengers are deep in their own slumber, tired by the events of this rainy day in Lucban. They had their own duties to perform, after all. They have mouths to feed, books to learn, things to be curious about, and maybe a lone life to survive.

The van is a temporary place for them to rest, and the rain is a gift to provide coziness for this night, no matter how troublesome it is sometimes.

But, the two of them were awake amidst it, completely unshaken and brave enough to appreciate the beauty that the cold brings, and the light that they held for each other, wondering if it could be good enough to save them both from the pain of loving too much or not being able to love at all.

The guy shows his hand in front of the teacher, as if he was a teacher himself, showing a kid how to do something. "Pahiram ng kamay mo."

With a little hesitation for what is going to happen, the teacher offers his hand to the guy underneath the enormous jacket. The guy holds it gently, like it is the most fragile thing in this world, beneath the callous skin of an educator under the fabric. The teacher flinches as a response to the touch and feels as if electrical currents are being sent throughout his body.

"Naramdaman mo din ba?" The guy asks with a smile, his focus still on both of their hands. He slowly intertwines their fingers together, and the teacher now feels like he's melting from the guy's touch. He never complained, though.

"O-oo." He shyly replies.

"Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko tinanong kung naranasan mo na bang magmahal, kase hindi ko din naman maiituro sayo kung paano." The guy mindlessly says.

"Maraming mukha ang pag-ibig, eh. At itong ginagawa natin — wala pa 'to sa kalingkingan ng kung ano talaga yun." He shakes his head to himself. "Pero at least, alam kong nararamdaman mo rin ang nararamdaman ko." He smiles a bit as he locks eyes with the teacher, whose face is now warming up again.

"It's warm... And my heart — it's pounding really fast..." He feels his chest as he says that. And then, his eyes widened in embarrassment. "I-I just thought... You should know..." He looks away, earning a chuckle from the guy.

The guy reaches for the teacher's other hand, and puts it on his chest. "Nararamdaman mo?" He asks, and just then, the teacher's eyes widen once more, in shock of what he felt.

The guy's heart was thumping loudly, too — almost in sync with his own.

This is the first time in his life that the teacher felt something more than lust for another body.

This is the first time he could feel something like this, in his 29 years of living his controlled life. It feels so emotional and passionate — intentional yet unexpected.

It is something new, yet he feels as if he longed for this feeling all his life.

"Hanggang ganito na lang ba talaga ang kaya kong gawin?" The guy suddenly says after a few minutes, as the teacher’s other hand rests on top of his chest beneath the jacket. The teacher blinks at him. "Laging panandalian na lang?" He smiles bitterly.

The teacher doesn't know what to say once more.

"I don't know much... pero hindi naman siguro..." He honestly says, shifting his head away from the guy. "Hindi mo pa lang siguro nakikita yung taong iintindi sa'yo... And yung kayang i-reciprocate yung pagmamahal na kaya mong ibigay." He adds, looking at the guy now.

The truth is, the guy wants to believe what the teacher just said. But no matter how hard he tries — he couldn't. But, in respect to what the teacher said, he smiles at him, albeit with a hint of sadness.

He already tried almost a dozen times — with both sexes — and failed every time. He already lost confidence. That is something difficult to regain. And that trust on making people stay beside you for a very long time — it faded long ago.

He erases the thoughts as the van starts accelerating. They both feel its speed picking up, and realize that the time is ticking swiftly.

The guy notices the teacher looking outside with worry on his face. He smiles gently and squeezes his hand.

"Ilang minutes pa bago ka bumaba?" He calmly asks. The teacher turns to him.

"Mga 15 minutes na lang." He confirms. The guy nods at him, squeezing his hand gently.

"15 minutes pa. Mahaba pa yun." The guy assures him with a smile. Their intertwined hands made their way back to their sides. The guy slowly puts his head to the teacher's shoulder. "Pwedeng pasandal muna bago ka bumaba?" He asks while staring ahead.

"Sige lang." The teacher softly replies. He also leans on the guy's head, and closes his eyes.

"Ngayon mo lang to naranasan?" The guy asks with closed eyes.

"Yes... Ngayon lang talaga." He answers.

"Sorry kung sa'kin mo pa naranasan." The guy chuckles bitterly. The teacher shakes his head as he leans to the guy. He gently closed his eyes.

"No... Thank you... Dahil sayo ko naranasan." The teacher says reassuringly. The guy turns quiet for a while before he chuckles once more.

"Hindi lang yun ang pag-ibig, ha?" He laughs. "Marami pa. Sana mahanap mo." He adds. The teacher remains quiet as they share the moment, before speaking amidst the silence.

"Bakit hindi na lang sa'yo?" The teacher asks casually. The guy chuckles at his side.

"Siguro... Sa ibang pagkakataon?" He shrugs while smiling. "Malay mo..." He grins.

The teacher gulps at his own suggestion.

He can't be something with this guy. Never.

A few minutes pass with them staying at that same position. It would have been enough, but it feels like something's missing.

He wants something more.

After all, there’s a chance that this won’t happen again.

And so, he pulls the jacket to cover both their faces with a hesitant smile across his lips. The guy turns to him almost immediately in shock of what he did.

"Can I...?" He does not finish his words, but the look he gives towards the guy's lips hints the words he wants to say. The guy chuckles and looks at him with a grin.

"Sige lang." He nods.

Almost immediately, the teacher pulls his cheeks for a kiss on his lips.

He is right.

It feels different.

It feels like nothing he had ever felt his entire life.

The guy kisses back, and the last few seconds felt like eternity for both of them.

"Thank you..." The teacher says. In his eyes glistened a melancholic glitter, which was matched by the longing eyes of the guy beside him.

The guy chuckles. "Salamat din... Galing mo humalik, ah..." He jokes, which warms the face of the teacher again, making him turn away from him, and then make the guy giggle harder by the cuteness.

And then, the teacher looked outside, and saw that this is his stop now. Although, he could barely make it out because of the moisture caused by the rain on the window. His eyes widen and turn to the driver, completely uncovering himself from the yellow jacket.

"PARA PO!" He breathlessly yells, completely taken back to reality. This causes the passengers to slowly wake up from their slumber.

The driver struggles to brake for this stop, which was convenient for the both of them.

With one final effort, the teacher pulls the guy for a hug. The guy is shocked in a daze as he pulls back, but he manages to lock eyes one more time with the teacher.

He saw how the teacher's eyes were filled with relief.

For once, he feels proud of himself.

"Mabuhay ka sa paraang gusto mo." He says as he taps the teacher's back as he walks to the door.

Suddenly, the lights inside the van are turned on by the driver, as the words left the teacher's body frozen for half a second, making him smile tiredly as the words reverberate.

He put his bag in front of him to reach for his umbrella, and then opened it immediately as he reached the open door of the van.

He looks around and realizes that it is too far away from the actual stop he was supposed to come out. He then watches as the van accelerates and leaves him alone in the dark, and with the guy inside it.