The O’Connells Books 10 - 12

Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

Iris couldn’t remember the last time she had worn black.

She stood in the most uncomfortable heels in the cold as the snow started to fall. The cemetery was empty except for the small group around the fresh grave. Her children, her family, were standing with her, along with a minister she didn’t recognize, who was talking about a man he didn’t know.

Raymond was the love of her life.

He’d broken her heart, then come back only to open the wound that hadn’t healed, and then he’d left her again. Now, the words being spoken for a man she’d cried for eighteen years earlier didn’t seem to touch on who he really was.

He was a secret. He was theirs. These were his children.

Raymond O’Connell hadn’t been who he said he was, but now she knew he really had loved her and the kids. He’d held her and kissed her, then walked away with his sons, and it seemed as if everything in her world had come full circle. She was having to remind herself again and again that he’d put himself between danger and his family.

She took in the coffin being lowered into the ground, then Brady, who was standing between Karen and Suzanne, their arms around him, even though he was taller than them. His youth really came through in the hollowness and sorrow of his face. She needed to talk to him, but she couldn’t, not after hearing the way he’d broken down.

“Mom, you okay?” Marcus said. He was holding Eva’s hand, and Charlotte’s, and they were looking at her as if they thought she was fragile and broken.

But Iris was stronger than that. She’d had to be. Instead of saying anything as Marcus waited, she found herself seeing how much of his dad was in him, from the way he walked, to his expression. Even the way he eventually looked away was so much like Raymond. She had to turn from him, shrugging, unable to find a reasonable thing to say.

Early winter was upon them.

“It’s cold out here,” she finally said. “You should take Charlotte and Eva to the car.”

Then she walked around Marcus and over to the grave, where she picked up a handful of dirt, even though the ground was starting to freeze. As the casket was lowered, she tossed the dirt on top.

She took in the hollow expression on Alison’s face. She was sandwiched between Ryan and Jenny, holding their hands. There were cuts on her forehead from where the glass had hit her. She leaned against Ryan, who put his arm around her and pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head.

She hadn’t taken any time to talk to her teenage misfit or to anyone at all. For reasons she couldn’t explain, the loss of Raymond was so much worse than anything she could bear. Maybe it was because this time, she knew it was permanent. He was gone forever and was never coming back.

Jack had taken her arm and was leading her to his car. Karen was behind them with Brady, and Harold and Suzanne were following, as were Owen and Tessa.

“You don’t have to walk me, Jack. You should go look after your wife,” she said, though she didn’t have to look over to him to know that he wasn’t about to listen.

“You know Karen is worried about you,” he said. “We all are. And yeah, I do need to walk you. That’s what family does.”

She slipped into the backseat after he held the door open, and then Luke was there in the doorway. He pulled something from his jacket and pressed it into her hand—an airline ticket.

“What’s this?” She took in the ticket and how Luke’s blue eyes, his dad’s eyes, took her in.

“It’s a plane ticket,” he said. “You need to take some time for yourself right now. It was the last thing Dad gave me. He told me to give it to you. He had rented a place on the beach in Barbados, paid for it and everything. He was planning on taking Brady there. Then this…”

She just stared at the ticket, feeling the ache that wouldn’t go away, which pulled at her chest. The tears that burned her eyes threatened to fall again. Jack was standing in front of the car with Karen and Brady as if he knew what was happening, and the last thing she wanted to do was cry anymore in front of her kids, so she bit her lip hard, taking another second to will herself to pull it together.

She was stronger than this. She had to be there for her kids, her family. She clutched the ticket and felt Luke’s hand over hers. He squatted down and glanced to the side. She wondered how uncomfortable he was.

“Go, Mom,” he said. “The flight leaves tonight. Dad wanted you to have this. You deserve it. Spend a few weeks on the white sandy beach, drink a beer or a margarita, read a book, put your feet in the warm baby blue of the ocean, and just take time for yourself. Do it for Dad.”

She had to press her hands over her face, as she couldn’t hold back the tears that fell. She felt Luke’s hand on her back, and he said, “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

He just let her cry for a minute. When she pulled her hand away, taking in the ticket he’d given her, she could feel how different this ending was.

“This isn’t fair,” she said, finally finding the words for something she didn’t know how to say.

Luke glanced away again and pressed his hand to her leg, then held the door, saying nothing. He closed it just as Brady climbed into the back with her, and Karen and Jack got in front.

She tucked the ticket in her pocket and turned to the gravesite they had just walked away from. It was so final. She reached over to the young man who sat quietly beside her and squeezed his hand, then patted it, but she didn’t say it was going to be okay. Instead, she said nothing.

Jack started the car and pulled away, and she wondered this time how long it would take for the overwhelming sorrow, which had stolen all her energy, happiness, and joy once before, to fade. Would she be able to put her feet on the floor in the morning and get out of bed again instead of wanting to crawl back in and pull the covers up over her head?

It had taken days, weeks, months before. She told herself it should be better this time, but for a reason that didn’t make sense to her, it now seemed far worse.