Lost

Complicated

                                                                                        ASHER

                    Resting my chin on Bailey’s shoulder as she leans against my chest, her scent fills my nostrils and the melancholic smell of cold thunderstorms and loose dirt is almost entirely gone, leaving her with her natural scent of cherry blossoms, pomegranate, and summer rain.

                    With my arms wrapped around her waist, she holds the letter from her mother up so both of us can read it together.

                    I never knew how lucky I could feel just to be in the background of a moment like this. Just to hold her while she cries, and while she picks herself back up, and while she pushes forward.

                    Her letting me be here for this means more to me than I ever thought a moment could.

After reading the letter with Bailey, I reread it twice more, still trying to make sense of it.

                    I hope she understood that better than I did… this is so important to her, please Moon Goddess, don’t let this disappoint her. Please let it be the answer she was looking for.

                    Bailey sets the letter back on the floor, resting one hand on my knee and holding her necklace with the other. The spot where her fingers touch my skin starts to tingle, like a thousand little pinpricks all at once.

                    Focusing on Bailey, I ignore the feeling that comes with her touch.

                    Come on, Ash. Focus on Bailey. It doesn’t matter how good her touch feels, she’s letting you be a part of a moment that’s important to her. Don’t f**k it up with your own feelings.

                    She abruptly spins in my lap, eyes so wide they resemble an owls, but most noticeably… she’s smiling. Wide and filled with genuine happiness, her cheeks are dimpled and I can’t help but smile back.

                    “I know where to go!” she squeals before throwing her arms around my neck, knocking me onto my back by the unexpected motion.

                    Laying on the ground, her arms around my neck and mine around her waist, this is one moment I’ll remember for the rest of my life. The feel of her body against mine, her beautiful smile and gorgeous eyes looking right down into mine. The happiness exuding from her…

                    She could never understand just how happy she makes me, just by being here. Seeing her like this, though… there’s no words to accurately describe how grateful and happy I am that she feels like this. I would do anything to make her feel this happy every day…

                    “Where do you need to go?” after our laughter calms down, I try to focus on what Bailey found out instead of my feelings.

                    The last thing I need is to let my feelings get carried away. If I made Bailey uncomfortable or scared her off, I’d never forgive myself. I’d rather suppress my feelings for the rest of my life than lose Bailey.

                    “Home.” Is all she says.

                    As I sit up, she climbs off my lap and sits across me on the floor. For a moment all I can do is sit there, frozen at the thought of Bailey leaving.

                    Home.

                    It replays in my head, over and over again.

                    I thought this was home now…

                    Is she gonna stay there?

                    Will I ever see her again?

                    Will she come back?

                    So many thoughts invade my mind without my permission, my heart breaking more and more with each one.

                    It doesn’t matter.

                    No matter what Bailey chooses to do, I’ll be on her side, supporting her decisions. She deserves to be happy.

                    Waving her hand in front of my face, I snap back into the present.

                    “You okay?” the worry in her voice is almost amusing in a way, how quickly the tables turned.

                    “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry,” I smile, not wanting her to lose any of the happiness she just found. “when… are you leaving?”

                                                                                        BAILEY

                    “Well, I’d like to go as soon as possible,” even though his lips are turned up into a smile, his eyes are filled with a sadness that wasn’t there a moment ago. “do you think that’d be alright?”

                    “Yeah, of course.”

                    “Great, let me know when you’re ready!” throwing my arms around his neck again, I impulsively press my lips to his cheek. Caught up in the moment, I let my feelings carry me away. Pulling back instantly, my cheeks burn a bright red and the tips of my ears burn with embarrassment, but the sadness in his eyes is gone and his smile is a genuine one.

                    “You, uh, you want me to come with you?” he trips over his words, making me giggle.

                    “Of course I do!”

                    Isn’t that obvious? Why wouldn’t I want him to come?

                    “You’re not gonna stay there?” he sounds almost disbelieving, and… relieved?

                    “Of course not,” I mock outrage, before a smile takes over. “how could I ever leave you?” quickly realizing how that sounded, I try to save myself but I’m pretty sure I failed miserably.

                    “A-And your dad, and Val, and – I, I mean, you’re all like family to me now, ya know?”

                    He’s not paying attention is he?

                    Well, thank the Goddess.

                    At least that embarrassing moment will only live on in my head.

                    “Pack enough for a week, I’ll go pack some stuff, too. I gotta talk to my dad before we leave.” He tells me as he walks out of my room, smile spread wide across his face.

                    After I shove clothes into my bag, I make sure to pack both of my parent’s journals and my cellphone charger.

                    I should text Val and let her know I’m gonna be gone for a week.

                    Sliding my phone out of my back pocket, I open my messages with Val.

                    To Val: Hey, just wanted to let you know, I’m gonna be gone for a few days, maybe a week. Sorry, I’m gonna miss going out this weekend.

                    Putting my phone back in my pocket, I grab my bag and go into the bathroom to pack my toothbrush and some other essentials. On my way downstairs, my phone vibrates.

                    From Val: No problem, girl. I hope you have a good time! Keep me updated, and let me know when you’re coming home so we can go out! xx

                    Telling myself I’ll text her later, I put my phone away. Smiling as I walk through the kitchen, I end up crashing into Ash. Grabbing my arms to help steady me, I take a step back and look up to him smiling.

                    “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” I say sheepishly, taking a step back. “Thanks.”

                    “It’s alright, I’m gonna go grab my bag, I just told my dad we’d be gone for a bit,” fishing his keys from his pocket, he hands them to me and nods to the door. “go put your bag in the car, I’ll be right there.”

                    A few minutes later, Ash slides into the driver’s seat and we leave. Nerves fill me, not sure what I’m going to find.

                                                                                VALENTINA

                    Even though I’m a little bummed Bailey’s gonna miss this weekend, I’m excited to hear what happens.

                    Pulling into Town Hall’s parking lot, I go to open my back seat and grab my bag filled with the monthly questionnaire. Closing the door behind me, I hear footsteps and turn around, smiling when I see Kali walking up with an extra iced coffee.

                    “You’re the best!” I take the cup with my free hand, so excited I almost knock it out of her grasp, making us both laugh. Sitting on the hood of my car, waiting for the others to show, we talk about this weekend and I tell her that Bailey won’t be able to make it.

                    “Well look who it is, the pack slut and the pack queer.” The sharp clack of high heals hitting the blacktop follow the high pitched, nasally voice that I wish I could erase from my mind.

                    Looking over to Kali, we both roll our eyes and mentally prepare for what’s to come.

                    “Well look who it is, the pack psycho. Did you finally get therapy for your delusions?” I shoot back with a smile.

                    “I wasn’t seeing a therapist, I was visiting my friend!”

                    “Good for you. What do you want, Tessa?” Kali asks, trying to speed this along so she’ll leave already.

                    “First why don’t you tell me how Ash is doing? I haven’t seen my man in a while and I miss him.”

                    Oh my Goddess, girl. Get a grip. If you pout any more you’d be stuck looking like a depressed duck.

                    “Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but Ash isn’t ‘your man’. If you really wanna know though, he’s actually been really happy lately,” I see Kali looking over to me in my peripheral, smiling because she knows where this is going. “yeah, ever since Bailey has been living with him.”

                    Take that, you egotistical b***h. Not everyone – actually out of everyone I know – no one wants you.

                    “Yeah, and I think it might also have something to do with the fact you haven’t been around.” Kali adds, sounding so sweet and innocent.

                    “Bailey? There’s no Bailey in this pack,” crossing her arms over her chest, she stares straight into my eyes trying to find the lie.

                    Keep looking, but you’ll only find the truth, sweetie.

                    “you’re just trying to piss me off. Just admit it. You’re mad that I broke both of your cousins hearts when I left them and got with Ash, and you wish you could be with him.” Sticking her nose up in the air, she just pretends she’s right.

                    Movement catches my attention off to the left and I see Elias and Enzo walking up.

                    Perfect.

                    “Hey guys, can you clear something up for me?” I call over, catching their attention.

                    “Sure, what’s up?” Enzo asks.

                    “How would you describe Ash’s mood lately?”

                    They look at each other with confusion, but answer the question anyway.

                    “I mean, he’s been pretty happy. Why?”

                    “Oh come on, ‘he’s been pretty happy’,” Elias mocks Enzo, making everyone except for Tessa laugh. “he’s been the happiest we’ve seen him in years, literally drooling over Bailey. When he’s not with her, he’s always talking about her to us. Dude’s definitely got it bad.”

                    “Thanks, I just wanted Tessa here to know I wasn’t lying.” Turning to face her with a smile, her cheeks turned beet red in anger and jealousy. She’s barely holding it together, and I’m barely holding back a laugh.

                    Her life motto still is, “Appearances are everything.”  Even when she wasn’t such a raging b***h and we were friends, she was like that. She’d never show any kind of ‘unacceptable’ emotions in public. Some things I’ll never understand about her.

                    “So are you gonna just say they’re lying too?” I nod toward the boys, daring Tessa to say it. When she looks like she’s about to explode, I go just a little bit further for the fun of it.

                    “oh, and guys, did either of you ever sleep with Tessa? Did she ever break your hearts?” I ask, like I don’t already know the answer.

                    We could make a game out of this. ‘How far can we push until she finally breaks her ‘I’m perfect’ attitude in public?’

                   It’s so much fun, especially when she’s acting like the boss b***h, like she’s gonna be the Luna of the pack or some bullshit.

                    “Gods no, I’d never sleep with her. She’s probably got some kind of shifter STD from all the guys she’s been with just to use them. I’d rather die before letting her touch me.” Elias laughs, and we look to Enzo who seems uncomfortable and ashamed.

                    “Well,” rubbing the back of his neck, he looks down to the blacktop while he talks. “when I got really drunk one night I might have slept with her, but I’m not entirely sure. She insists we did, but I don’t remember much of that night. It’s possible, but it’s more likely she’s lying. I just can’t say for sure.” Shrugging, he adds, “she sure as hell didn’t break my heart though, I’d have to actually care about her for that to happen.”

                    Elias claps him on the back in support and whispers something to him, making them both laugh.

                    “Wait, I have a question,” Kali says to the guys. “do you know if Ash ever slept with her?”

                    “Nope,” Elias smiles, shaking his head. “they dated for like two weeks tops last year, but he got tired of her attitude real quick. He told us she kept trying to pressure him to do it, but he wants to wait until he finds his mate.”

                    “Yeah, me and Elias have a bet going on. You want in?” Enzo asks with a mischievous smile, making me and Kali laugh.

                    “What’s your bet?”

                    “We both think his mate is going to be Bailey, obviously, so we put money on how long it’ll take them to get together. Elias says another month, I say four months. You and Kali choose when you think it’ll be, whoever’s closest wins the cash. You in?”

                    “Hell yeah!” I smile, “I’d give them two weeks.”

                    “Pfft, I give them one week.” Kali adds.

                     Just then, a car enters the parking lot and we all look over. Jack pulls up and gets out, we all say hello and when we turn around to walk inside Tessa is gone.

                    Good riddance.

                    “Val, you have the questionnaire?”

                    “Yeah, they’re in my bag Jack.”

                    “Okay, great. You place them in front of each chair with a pen, Kali can you grab my list of things to talk about that I forgot in my car?”

                    For the next half hour, we all set up for the monthly pack meeting before everyone gets here.

                                                                                    BAILEY

                    Watching the scenery pass by through my window, I’m practically mesmerized.

                    “It’s so beautiful, the hills and mountains covered in green, all the trees. It looks almost magical.”

                    “Yeah, it really is. It’s even better when you shift and run through all of it, it’s the most freeing feeling. I can’t wait for you to experience that, and to experience that with you.”

                    Looking over to Ash, I can’t help but smile.

                    I’ve never felt more at home than I do when I’m with him. Part of me is scared by that, but the other part of me is excited by it.

                    “That sounds amazing,” my cheeks hurt from smiling so much, but this kind of pain I’d happily endure for the rest of my life. “having you by my side through all of this… I, I don’t know. I just can’t imagine doing any of this on my own now.”

                    I feel the heat creeping into my cheeks, but ignore it. I don’t want to shy away or back track, I want him to know I really mean what I said.

                    For the next few hours, we talk and joke with each other, listen to music and dance, well I dance and he laughs. I can’t remember the last time I felt this genuinely happy and free… and safe.

                    Eventually, my eyes get heavy and it’s difficult to stay awake. The rhythm of the moving car, Ash’s strong but sweet voice, sleep takes me without much of a fight.

                    Gently shaking my shoulder, he quietly calls my name to wake me.

                    “Bailey, wake up Bailey. We’re about to be there.”

                    Slowly opening my eyes, my head is tilted to the left and I realize I’d been leaning on his shoulder, my face turns hot and I apologize.

                    “Eh, don’t worry,” smiling, he shrugs and teases, “it felt nice, you kept my shoulder warm.”

                    Laughing, I shake my head at him, but the smile won’t leave my face.

                    Looking around, everything looks familiar and it takes me a second to figure out where we are.

                    “Indianapolis?” barely a whisper, but he heard me… and the fear in my voice from the memory that comes of this place.

                    Pulling into a parking lot, he turns to me and puts his hand on mine, searching my face.

                    “I hate what you went through when you were here last, I can’t take that away or change it, but I was hoping to be able to give you better memories of this city to think about instead,” gently squeezing my hand, he takes his other hand and brushes some loose strands of hair out of my face. His callused fingertips lightly brush against my cheek, sending electricity through me. “I used to come through here with my parents when I was younger on my way to visit you and your parents, I’d always wanted to bring you here eventually, and now I finally have my chance.”

                    My chest constricts and my eyes burn, squeezing his hand back, I smile and just let the tears flow freely.

                    “Thank you.. so much. I can’t even think of words to describe how much this means to me. You’re the best person I’ve ever had in my life.”

                    As I sniffle, he pulls me into a hug. Before resting his cheek against my head, it felt like he might’ve gently kissed the side of my head sending tingles, like electricity, zapping through all of my nerves, starting where his lips touched me and spreading all over my head and throughout my entire body.  

                    -----

                    After getting a room for the night, Ash drove me around the city to see everything. We found a place to eat and he insisted on paying for my food, I’m not used to other’s taking care of me or paying for anything for me. It feels weird but nice at the same time.

                    We walk around an outdoor shopping center, I wanted to browse the stores, window shopping is what Ash and Val calls it.

                    “Why do you like window shopping so much?” Ash asked with genuine interest, not an ounce of him sounding judgmental, just curious.

                    “Honestly, I like to find things I really like and kinda tell myself when I’m in a stable place and I feel truly happy with my life, I’ll get these things. Kinda like a reward for fulfilling a certain stage of my life. I’m not sure if that really makes sense but –“

                    Cutting me off, he smiles and wraps his arm around my shoulders.

                    “It makes perfect sense, and I have no doubt it’ll happen sooner than you think.”

                    Before walking back to the car, I go to the restroom and Ash texts me to meet him at the car because he forgot to get something.

                    When I arrive at the car, he’s just shut the back and walking back around to the driver’s side door. As we drive back to the motel, he asks me a lot about what I do remember about my parents and childhood. It’s not a lot, but what I do remember the most is the love my parents had for me and I had for them. The lessons my father taught me in how to treat others and be a great leader like him.

                    But I’ll never get a chance to prove to him that I’d be a great leader, there’s no Moon Spirit Pack left. Just me…

                    “What’s wrong, Bailey?” Ash’s concerned voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

                    “Nothing, why?” I play dumb, but it’s obvious he knows I’m lying.

                    “We’ve been parked for the last five minutes. I opened my door, no reaction. I closed my door, didn’t even blink. You’ve been staring at the dash board, not aware that we’re back to our room.” Crossing his arms, he gives me that look that says you’re not getting out of this without talking to me.

                    I know he’s only pushing me because he cares, and part of me appreciates it.

                    Walking to the motel room, I tell him about how sad it makes me that I’ll never be able to be the leader my parents started teaching me to be. I’ll never be able to prove to them and myself that even though I’ve been through all of that hell, I’m still capable of being the person my parents wanted me to be.

                    For a second he looks at me like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. After a moment, he speaks but I can tell it’s not what he wanted to say, which makes me curious but I don’t want to push him.

                    “Even if you don’t become a leader, you’re still the person your parents wanted you to be.” He says instead, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and walking into the motel room.

                    “Six more days until your birthday,” he smiles as we sit on the side of the bed. “if I can’t get us back by your birthday, I can set up a celebration for the day we get back if you want.”

                    “But aren’t those celebrations for shifting for the first time in front of everyone? If I’ve already shifted, isn’t it too late?”

                    “I’m the alpha, if you want a celebration, you’ll get a celebration. I don’t care if it’s six months late.”

                    The seriousness and intensity in his words melt my heart. It’s just then I notice how close on the bed we are. Instinctively, my eyes go down to his full lips and notice how soft they look. Licking his lips, I look up to his eyes and see him looking down at mine, causing me to lick my own without thinking.

                   Ash stands up so quickly, if I'd have blinked I would have missed it. Confusion hits me and disappointment fills me. 

                    Why am I disappointed? I would have done the same thing... wouldn't I? 

                    Pushing my thoughts to the back of my head, I stand up and hug Ash, thanking him before going to my bed. 

                    "Goodnight, Ash." I say over my shoulder as I pull the covers over me. 

                    "Night, Bailey." he whispers.