Lost

Surprise

        Zoning back in, I realize I’ve been staring at his lips. Before I can think better of it, I lean forward. Closer and closer until our noses are touching, and I’m just a breath away from pressing my lips to his.

        Focusing on him, I ignore any thoughts trying to enter my mind. In the next second, his lips are pressed against mine as he leans back just slightly, so my chest is pressed against his.

        Oh my gods, his lips are so soft and smooth.

        Running his tongue across my bottom lip, he silently asks permission. Parting my lips, I give him access, his tongue gently exploring. In return I use mine, and our kiss goes from gentle and sweet to rough and passionate.

        Scraping his teeth against my bottom lip, a moan escapes me into his mouth, making him even more eager.

        He tastes so good, every time his lips touch mine it feels like a little electrical shock. It’s so addicting.

        I was so scared I would ruin my first kiss, but it’s amazing.

        He’s amazing.

        Sliding back on the bed so he’s leaning against the headboard, he pulls me onto his lap so I’m straddling him, making sure our lips don’t part for a second. His intensity and passion fuel my own. With one hand cupping his slightly stubbled jaw, I glide the other from his stomach, under his shirt to rest on his sculpted abdomen.

        Slowly scraping my teeth against his bottom lip like he did mine, I’m rewarded with a deep, guttural groan that fills my core with heat. His big strong hands were holding me by my thighs, keeping me straddled across his lap. As he groaned, he squeezed so hard I’m sure it’ll bruise, but it felt so good.

        Why haven’t I done this sooner? This feels amazing! Parts of me I didn’t even know could feel pleasure are becoming sensitive and feeling every delicious touch and movement.

        One of his hands slides down to grab my bottom, while the other goes under my shirt and rests on my stomach to match my own hand on his.

        Instinctively, my hips start moving back and forth, building the heat in my core.

        Oh gods, this feels just like that dream – that dream – f**k! That’s why I haven’t done this before!

        How can I do this with Ash while I’m having dreams of his friends, doing this very same thing?!

        What is wrong with me?!

        His lips part from mine, sliding down my neck, scraping his teeth along the way. A shiver runs through my body, distracting me with the pleasure. His mouth finds the crook of my neck, licking and sucking, causing another moan to escape.

        As I grind my hips across his lap, I feel his bulge enlarge beneath me. Instinctively, I press my hips down harder, grabbing the pillow behind him.

        Gods, I need to stop this.

        But it feels so good. Being with him feels so good.

        He doesn’t deserve this. He deserves being with someone who isn’t going to dream about his friends doing this to them.

        Stop it, Bailey! You need to stop this!

                                                                                    ASHER

        Feeling Bailey on top of me is better than I could’ve ever expected. She’s perfect, in every way. Running my teeth across her neck, tasting her sweet skin, I never want to stop. Even her sweat that drips down her neck is enticing. Hearing her moan drives me and my wolf crazy.

        Bailey. Mate. Love.

        Mine. Mate. Ours.

        Bailey. Ours. Love.

        My wolf won’t stop talking the whole time, he loves Bailey as much as I do.

        I feel myself harden beneath her and worry that it’ll make her uncomfortable, but she just grinds against me harder. I can’t hold in my groaning, it feels so good. I want to do this with her forever. I want to be with her forever.

        “I love you, Bailey.” It slips out of my mouth before I can stop it, and my heart races.

        What did I just say?

        Truth.

        Yeah, it’s the truth but that doesn’t mean I should tell her.

        Mate. Love. Ours.

        You’re impossible to argue with, you know that?

        Within seconds, she places her hand on my chest and puts space between us. Sliding off my lap, her eyes are filled with tears and my heart drops. I messed it all up.

        “Are you okay –” Putting her hand up, signaling me not to talk.

        “This shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have done that.” Standing up, she turns around and starts walking to the bathroom, but stops halfway.

        “You deserve better than me, Ash. You deserve so much better.” Her voice is tight and cracks as she tries to hold the tears in.

        It’s obvious she’s hurting, and it breaks my heart. More than rejection ever could.

        At least if she were rejecting me, I’d know it’s because she doesn’t feel the same way. Knowing she does have at least some feelings for me – maybe not love… yet – but more than friends… but she thinks she’s not good enough? How could she ever think she’s not good enough? She’s perfect.

        “Bailey don’t say that. You’re amazing. You’re the only one I’d ever want.” I tell her, walking over to her. Holding both of her hands in mine, I look down into her eyes, so she sees how serious I am.

        “I – I can’t.” is all she says as she closes her eyes, the tears finally free, running down her cheek. And she turns, walking away.

                                                                                    BAILEY

        I can’t believe this… I can’t believe I let this happen… he’s hurt... I could see it in his eyes... but he’s reassuring me, the one who hurt him. I don’t deserve him.

        Lifeless and emotionless, I walk toward the bathroom.

        How can I feel numb and empty, but still feel all this pain and shame at the same time? 

        “I’m gonna go shower.” I mumble over my shoulder.

        Why does it hurt so much to do the right thing?

        This is the right thing, isn’t it?

        It has to be.

        I can’t be with him or be intimate with him like that when I’m having dreams of me and his friends having s*x.

        But why do I have those dreams? Why is this happening? What is happening?

        Dropping the last bit of clothing onto the tiled floor, I step into the shower and let the water run over me. The only thing I focus on is my skin burning as the steaming hot water rains down on me.

        Sliding down the shower wall, I curl myself into a ball under the water and let everything out.

        I hate this, it’s not fair. I’ve been through hell for so long. First losing my parents and entire pack, then living with Dorian’s pack and being abused for years. Hating everything and wishing I just wouldn’t wake up. Getting kidn*pped, then betrayed by Deacon. I finally find who I’m looking for and everything gets complicated.

        I feel so guilty for having feelings for Ash while having dreams about his friends, I don’t even know why I have those dreams. Do I like them, too?

        I mean, sure. They’re attractive, I’d be lying if I said they weren’t. But I don’t think I feel the same about them. I like spending time with them when we hang out and joke around, they’re fun. But do they make me feel the way Ash does?

        Why am I dreaming of them?

        Why do I feel so drawn to Ash if I’m dreaming of them?

        Why does not being with Ash hurt more than anything else I’ve been through?

        Why do I feel like part of me is empty?

        Why is everything so gods damned confusing and complicated?!

         Holding my knees to my chest as tight as I can, I try to release my emotional pain by causing physical pain. My nails dig into the skin on my legs until I’m bleeding, but it doesn’t help. The overwhelming emotional pain, confusion, and loneliness I feel consumes me.

         What right do I have to feel lonely now? After I let Ash in and the next second shut him out?! I saw the pain in his eyes! I hurt him! What the f**k is wrong with me?

        What am I supposed to do?

        I don’t know how long I’ve been curled on the shower floor, but my tears have run dry and even my emotions are too tired to hurt anymore.

        Washing the tears from my face, anger fills me. At myself.

        How could I be so stupid? How could I let that happen?

-----

        Leaving the bathroom, everything is already packed in the car and Ash is sitting at the table in the corner, staring out the window.

        I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything. The guilt and shame still consumes me, I don’t know what to do.

        “Are you ready to go?” he asks, smiling and acting like nothing happened. But he can’t hide the truth in his eyes.

        He’s doing this for me. Pretending to be fine, pretending like nothing happened. Just so I’d feel comfortable.

        This is just proof that I don’t deserve him. He deserves so much more than me.

        Nodding, he opens the door as I walk over, letting me exit first. Our walk to the car is silent, but surprisingly, I don’t feel any hostility or offense in the air.

        Why am I surprised? Ash isn’t that kind of man, I don’t think he could ever hate me and that hurts even more. He’s so pure.

        I mean, as an Alpha – as a shifter – he’s probably had to kill someone at least once. He’s a good leader and that requires sometimes taking the hard road, doing something uncomfortable or mean. But on the inside – in his heart – he’s so pure. He loves unconditionally, he protects the people he loves, he could never hate anyone after he’s opened his heart to them.

        He’s the kind of man I always dreamt of meeting.

        So why the f**k am I dreaming of his friends intimately?!

        As we drive, the silence eventually becomes comfortable for me.

        He’s still willing to be friends, which is more than I deserve, but it helps ease my anxiety. Not the shame or pain, though. That will stay forever probably.

        He doesn’t speak but doesn’t give off a negative vibe. It seems more like he’s being quiet because he knows I need time. Turning on the radio to fill the silence, I eventually start singing along, and I see him smile out of the corner of my eye, causing me to smile unwittingly.

        Soon enough, he’s singing along too, and then we’re laughing and acting like nothing ever happened.

                                                                                    TESSA

        Driving through town I see Val and her cousins at the bar, goofing around like idiots.

        I can’t believe I was once friends with them. They’re so beneath me.

        Rolling my eyes at the thought of them, I turn around the bar and pull into the coffee shop parking lot.

        Walking in, I look around the tables for blonde hair as I head to the counter to order. When I get my iced coffee, I finally find Abby and wave on my way sit across from her, her devilish smile matches my own.

        “What do you have?” I ask, getting right to the point, sipping my iced coffee while I listen.

        “Well, I just got word from Danny that a few people heard Jack and Val talking in the bar, apparently he told her that Ash and Bailey will be getting back this afternoon.”

        “Perfect,” a smile spreads wide across my face as I think of my next move. “I can’t wait to give Bailey a surprise welcome gift.”

        “I’m sure she’ll love it.” Abby giggles, knowing she won’t.  

        Pulling out my phone, I send a text to one of my best friends to help.

        To Ophelia: Hey girl. I just heard that Bailey is coming back here this afternoon. Let me know if you guys need any help.

        Giving Abby a hug, we both get up and part ways. On my way back home, my phone vibrates in my pocket, but I wait to check what it says until I park.

        After reading the text, I go take a shower and get ready for tonight.

        This couldn’t have gone any more perfect. Let’s just hope tonight goes off without a hitch.

                                                                                BAILEY

        Around two thirty in the afternoon, we’re finally back in town. I pull my phone out to text Val, but realize I forgot to put it on charge last night, so it’s dead.

        Dammit.

        Oh well, I’ll text her later.

        As we pull into Ash’s driveway, Jack comes out with a smile on his face to greet us. Going up the stairs, as soon as I reach the deck, I wrap my arms around him and enjoy the warmth of his hug.

        He’s not my dad, but he’s the closest thing I have. And he’s a pretty good stand in.

        “I hope you found what you were looking for, my dear.” His genuine smile and affectionate eyes always help make me feel like I belong.

        “Yeah, we did. I brought some things back with me, but I’ll have to go back to get more eventually. Would you like to go through what I brought back with us?”

        “I’d love that.” Smiling down at me, he pats my shoulder and steps aside, letting me inside. Ash insisted he’d bring the bags in, but I got him to let me at least bring my clothes bag inside so I can get changed.

        Heading up to my room, I put my clean clothes back in my drawers except for an outfit to change into and put my dirty clothes in my hamper. Laying down on my bed, I read some of my mother’s journal now that I’m in comfortable jean shorts and a tank top, with my flannel keeping me cozy.

        The flannel Ash gave me.

        No, don’t start. Just read the journal.

                             My little girl turned seven today, I’m so proud of her. She’s so interested in what her     father does, what being an alpha entails. She wants to be just like him. She has the same compassion         that he does, I know one day she’ll be a great leader. Jack and Asher are coming up for her birthday                                                                         party, I know she’ll love seeing them.

     She has a crush on Asher, it’s so cute. It’d be lovely if they ended up together when they both grow up.                                                                                I have a feeling they will.

-----

        I wish I could tell Bailey about the magic inside both of us. Prepare her for who she is, and what’s to                       come. But I made a promise I would wait until she turned sixteen, and I cannot break my                                                                                 promise – not to Thala.

----

    I’ve been feeling odd lately, like something is going to happen but I don’t know what. It’s like how I feel                 a day or two before I have a vision, but it’s been going on for weeks – maybe even a month.

                                                I don’t know what to make out of it, but I don’t like it.

                         Maybe someone’s blocking my visions? Is that even possible? I should talk to mother                                                                         about this when she visits.

-----

                     Mother is coming to visit tomorrow to help me strengthen the magic barrier in place to     protect our pack, I truly hope she can help me understand this feeling I’ve been having. It’s persisted for         over two months now. I’m deeply worried. I’ve talked to Roman about it, but he doesn’t know what it                                                                                             means.

        As Ash enters the room with bags, I lay the journal down on the bed, getting up to help him.

        “Anything interesting?” he asks, nodding to the journal.

        “Yeah, actually. I’ll bring it down when we all go over the other stuff.”

        As we put the bags on top of my bed, I notice the bags of gifts he got for me and unexpectedly get choked up. Unfortunately, he notices, causing me to turn my head, trying to hide it… and my shame.

        “Hey,” he puts his hand on my shoulder, turning me to face him, lifting my face with his finger under my chin, so I’m eye to eye with him. “I got these for you, I want you to have them. There were never any conditions or expectations attached to them or my friendship. I don’t want you to ever feel obligated to do anything for me, okay?”

        The sincerity and openness in his voice, the love and honesty in his eyes – I don’t know what to say, so I do the only thing that can convey how much he means to me and how much I appreciate what he said – wrapping my arms around him, I rest my head on his chest and just stand there like that for a while. He rests his chin on my head, his arms wrapped around my waist, gently holding me tight against him.

        Being in his arms feels so right.

        Maybe those dreams don’t matter…

        Maybe I should just pretend they don’t exist…

        But how can I look him in the eye, knowing I’m having those dreams?

        How can I disrespect his sincerity and openness and honesty like that?

        I can’t…

        “You guys wanna come down and go over what you found?” Jack calls up the stairs. Adding with a laugh, “I haven’t been this excited and interested in something since I lost my vir–“

        “Dad!” Ash interrupts before he can finish, “We’ll be right down.”

        Jack just laughs, making me laugh, and Ash’s cheeks turn pink with embarrassment.

        “Sorry for that,” he says sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Let’s go satisfy his curiosity.” We both chuckle on our way down.

        Ash quickly grabbed the bag with everything in it before I could get to it. He say it’s too heavy and I shouldn’t have to carry it. Even though I insist it’s not that heavy, he wants to be a gentleman and I really can’t be mad at him for it. It’s actually kind of amusing.

        Walking into Jack’s study, he had cleared off his desk and brought in a second chair so Ash and I could sit in front of his desk across from him.

        Carefully placing everything on his desk, his eyes light up every time something else is out down.

        With the little booklet naming everything that was on the table, I name and describe what we brought back before telling him about the skull.

        “Oh my, that sounds remarkable!”

        “Hey Jack… did you, uh, did you know that my mom’s mom was a witch?” I ask, admittedly it came out more awkward than I’d hoped.

        “I suspected, but I didn’t know for sure. If I had, I would have told you when we talked about you being a True Royal.”

        “Why did you suspect it?” Ash asks, just as curious as me.

        “Sometimes she’d just know certain things, things that she’d have no way of knowing would happen. Stuff like that.” He shrugs.

        As soon as he says that a memory hits me.

        “Thala said I had the gift of sight, like her. My mom must’ve had the gift, too.”

        “Who’s Thala?” Jack asks, leaning forward, eyes shining with eagerness.

        “Oh, right. She’s the Moon Goddess,” I smile, adding, “and the Goddess of Nature and Magic.”

        “You spoke with her?” he questions, but it sounds more like an exclamation, making me laugh.

        “There’s a lot you missed. But I’ll explain all that later, I’m eager to read these books, is that okay?”

        “Of course! We’ll each pick a book, and share what we read afterwards, then you can explain everything else.”

-----

        I picked the first book, and they chose their books after I found the one I wanted to read. A book about the gods.

                It’s almost impossible to determine the correct number of Gods and Goddesses there are.

                        Some have revealed themselves to us, this is what is known about them.

                                                                                      Xaos.

                                Xaos is the God of Chaos and the Afterlife. He is Thala’s son.

        He has been said to be a malicious God, having complete and total disdain for our kind along with                                 witches. In an effort to kill us off as a species, he created vampires.

    In the beginning it seemed as if his plan would work, there was much animosity between shifters and                                             vampires, many wars and many killed on both sides.

  Eventually the wars ended, and we agreed on peace. It wouldn’t have been possible without the mating                                 of Victoria Midnight and Raith Enrick. But that is for another book.

                                Xaos was very angry by the peace agreement and vowed to kill us all,                                                             though none other effort has been made.

                                                                                         Ethos.

         Ethos is the God of the Sea and Storms. He helped Thala create witches, more about Thala next.

    He gave some witches the ability to control water and others the ability to control storms, i.e., thunder,        lightning, rain, wind. Some witches he even gave the ability to communicate with sea animals. He also                                                                     created mermaids and mermen.

            He is known to be a kind and loving God, sometimes granting wishes of those in desperate need.

                                                                        He is the lover of Thala.

                                                                                         Thala.

                     Thala is the Goddess of the Moon and Magic. She created shifters and witches.

                                She is known to be a loving Goddess, thinking of us as her children.

      She is the Goddess most known for communicating with us, though it is still rare. She also created                                             dragon shifters, unfortunately they are no longer here.

   They have not died off, but they were unable to hide from humans and were constantly hunted, at one point on the brink of extinction. That is why we have kept ourselves hidden from humans, to respect the                                                     God’s other creations while protecting ourselves.

    Ethos, seeing how upset Thala was by her dragon shifters being hunted, created a large island in the         middle of the ocean for them. Thala used her magic to conceal it from human detection and deter            anyone who gets close by instilling them with fear, causing them to get as far away as possible.

  It is unknown if they are still there, but likely they are. Unfortunately, no one has been able to find the                                     island or them in thousands of years, though many have tried.

        Instantly, Ash and Jack slam their books on the table, getting up so quickly their chairs almost fall over. Looking up, filled with fear and confusion, I see Ash is angry and Jack looks worried and frustrated.

        “Bailey, I need you to go up to your room and lock the door.” Grabbing my arm and pulling me to my feet, he walks me out of the study. Jack walks out behind us, only stopping to lock the door.

        “What’s going on?” I can’t conceal the fear in my voice, he’s never acted like this before, and I have no idea what’s going on.

        “Multiple shifters just showed up, no one knows who they are, but one asked for you. I’m going to go see what they want.”

         When he says they asked for me, my blood runs cold.

        “Be careful.” I say, obviously worried.

        “Don’t worry,” he says, pulling me in for a hug. “Now go up to your room, lock the door.”

        Without further conversation, I run upstairs and do as he says. Peeking out my window, I watch him walk to the bar where a group of men are standing, his father close behind.

        As he approaches them, one looks directly at me. I duck below the window as soon as our eyes meet, my heart races and anxiety fills me.

        Did he see me?

        Why are they here?

        Who are they?

        Why do they want me?

        After a few seconds, I peek back out of the window from the corner at the bottom. When I see he’s not looking up here anymore, I get a little more comfortable.

        Ash and Jack are talking to them, everyone seems to be calm, but I notice Ash is repeatedly clenching his fist, something he only does when he’s anxious or has a bad feeling.

        So focused on Ash and what’s happening outside, I didn’t notice the footsteps coming up the stairs until they were right in front of my room. Looking back, there’s no one in my doorway.

        “Val? That you?” I call out, uncertain and uncomfortable.

        When there’s no answer, my blood freezes in my veins.

        Glancing back to the window for a split second, I notice Elias is out there with Val, but I don’t see Enzo.

        “Enzo, it’s not funny, just come on out.” I call out again, but I’m met again with only silence.

        Briefly glancing back out the window, they’re all still talking, but when I turn back around a man I don’t know is standing right in front of me.

        Slamming back against the window, I yell as loud as I can – hoping Ash or Val at least hear me. As he walks up to me, my mind is racing, trying to figure out what to do.

        Come on Bailey, focus. Ash has been teaching you to fight, right? Well, it would sure as hell come in handy right now!

        As the man tries to grab me, I push his arm away and kick him in the stomach at the same time.

        I was aiming for his balls but at least I hit him.

         Taking advantage of the second or two of him recovering, I sprint past him and down the stairs, unfortunately it doesn’t take him long to get back to his feet and catch up to me. Trying to go through the living room toward the front door, he grabs my elbow and pulls me the opposite way, toward the kitchen and back door.

        As he yanks me with him, I struggle as much as possible and try to hit and kick him anywhere I can. But nothing is working on him.

        Mumbling under his breath, he looks angry and annoyed, I mean I would too if I was trying to kidnap someone and they were acting like me, but I guess just don’t kidnap people.

        The front door slams open just as the man opens the back door, the last thing I remember is hearing someone yell my name and then seeing a huge fist right before it connected with my face.