Divided

Chapter 6: Breaking the Silence

I woke up with a sharp sting in my temple and a stiff neck. I slowly brought my hands to my head and realized that my face was the source of pain. I lightly rested my fingers on my left cheek and felt a powerful sting, making me groan. Where the hell was I? 

"Drink this." I opened my eyes slowly and saw that Jack was sitting on a chair next to the bed, holding out two pills and a glass of water. I could smell his anger. Not just anger, something else as well. I pushed myself off the pillow and held my hands out eagerly. My vision was blurry and I had to blink a couple of times to get a better view of my surroundings. I was grateful that he wasn't too close, but his presence still made me uneasy.

I swallowed the pills, and noticed that I was back in the room. How did I get back here? My heart started to pound as I realized that so many things were out of place. "Settle down." Came a short abrupt order from Jack's unfriendly face. What happened? The pain in my face? Last night? Cass took over as soon as we reached the lake. What have I done? What have we done? What did she do? The only thing I knew for sure, was that pain meant something bad must have happened. Pain meant that nothing went according to plan. Pain I don't remember receiving, which meant that she f****d up. I didn't realize how tightly I was gripping the glass, until Jack took it from me.

"I said settle down." His eyes bore into me as his demand rolled forth again. He was not impressed, and I wished I knew why. I knew it couldn't be good. "Listen to me carefully." He continued, taking his eyes off me to place the glass on the bedside table. I exhaled and took a deep breath. I wasn't even aware that I was holding my breath.

"We've been nothing but good to you since you arrived. We've been patient. We gave you everything that we thought you might need, without asking anything in return." He brought his eyes back to me. They looked tired. "I have welcomed you into my pack, with little regard to my own concerns, and less to the concerns I received from the others." He was drilling through me with his stare, "This morning, you didn't just threaten Ryan, but you threatened me. The Alpha. Do you understand the magnitude of the situation?"

I was shocked, and could only stare at him. Did she really go that far?

"I asked you a question." He barked, demanding a response. I couldn't help but look down and nod my head slightly. My reaction to his question eased the tension in the air and I could feel myself breathing easier. However, when I looked back at him, I found myself staring into the same angry brown eyes, that I woke up to. I opened every sense of mine to her, so that she could not only feel the physical pain, but also the humiliation of this direct attention I was receiving because of her. It was very convenient to leave me all on my own, to face the consequences of her actions. I couldn't sense her presence at all.

"If you can talk, now is the time to do so. After what happened last night, I need some answers from you." He reached down and picked up a piece of paper and a pencil, and held it out to me. "If you prefer not to talk, you can write it down." I slowly took it, still not sure what I was going to do. Advice or support would have been nice, but once again I found no response as I desperately reached out to her.

I looked down at the blank page in my hand. Fear gripped me, and I could feel my heart starting to quicken its beat again. My silence made me almost invisible. And invisibility kept me safe. If I told Jack everything, I will be exposed. He would surely not let us stay if he knew the truth about me. And who knows who he knows? Or what he'll do with the information I give him? If I open my mouth; if I say anything that resembles the truth, our life will become complicated and dangerous once more.

"Settle down, now." Jack said again, not as harsh as the first two times. I knew he could hear my racing pulse. "You have to trust me, so that I can trust you." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair, "The safety of the people on this ranch comes first. If you threaten that in any way, you have to leave. And the only way that I'll know for sure that you are not a threat, is if you tell me so." He reached out and laid his hand on my knee, which I snatched away, taken aback by the sudden contact. Unfazed by my reaction, Jack went on, "I need you to convince me that you mean us no harm."

If I don't tell him anything he'll make us leave, and if I tell him everything he definitely won't let us stay. I was screwed either way. I had to give him something, I knew that. So taking the pencil I cautiously wrote down 'Leah', and handed the paper back to him. I will tell him what he needs to hear. I will tell him what I can, without putting us in danger. I will talk, so that we can stay long enough to get better.

"Leah." He frowned, "Is this your name?" Silence. When I nodded, he handed me the paper again. "To which pack did you belong?" He asked with big serious eyes. His anger was now gone, and replaced by an optimistic eagerness, "Where do you come from?"

I took a deep breath and wrote down, My pack is dead. I held the paper in my lap and stared down at the four words I scribbled down.

A lie. I closed my eyes tightly, hoping that he would believe it. I have forgotten how difficult it was to do that – to lie. 

Killian and the rest were very much alive. Sometimes I could still feel him scratching in my head, trying to find out where I was. Lucky for us - I had no idea where the ranch was located, and neither did she. But I still tried to block him out as best I could, just in case he found something that would give away our location. The bond between me and him was very weak, which meant that we were a good distance away from him. But he was still there, still searching. Always searching. Never stopping.

"I..." Jack looked at me, his eyes full of pity, "I am so sorry." He reached his hand out to my knee again, to comfort me. But stopped in mid-air, probably recalling the aversion I had to touch. "You were their Luna." He said more than ask, placing his hand back on his knee.

There it was. Even though it was impossible to hide the brand on my back, I tried to keep it covered. I swallowed hard, knowing that more difficult questions were soon to follow. I didn't react, so he continued.

"It must be hard to live with that kind of loss." I couldn't look him in the eye, he bought my lie. Which made me feel more ashamed than relieved. After a long stretch of silence, he cleared his throat and sat up, "Last night was quite something." The pity was still thick in his voice, but he used a lighter tone. He obviously read something completely different in my body language, feeling the need to change the subject. Which couldn't have come sooner.

I was eager to find out what happened, so I looked at him for a moment and then wrote down, 'Can't remember'. And while his attention was on the paper I quickly added a, 'Sorry'.

"I found you next to the lake." He paused. I looked up at him in shock as his words started to fill the blanks in my memory. I cursed inwardly. "Phil said you must have shifted and then fainted. He said it happened because you're in bad shape. You didn't have enough energy for the transition." This was the first time this kind of thing happened to me, and I felt the overwhelming sense of embarrassment. I averted my eyes.

"When I brought you back here, your wolf surfaced and went into a rage. You would have attacked Ryan, if I didn't step in." Another pause, "I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that in your confused state, you felt the need to protect yourself against us. But this can't happen, no matter what the circumstances are." He leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees, "I can't have someone on the ranch that can't control themselves. There are just too many innocent lives at stake." I understood his concern and nodded.

I drew a line under Sorry, which made him nod in turn.

"You have an alarming amount of scars." He stated awkwardly, after a long silence. When I looked at him, I saw that he was running his eyes over my arms. "What happened?" Came his question, and I had to fight the urge to cover them. I closed my eyes as fragments from my past came flooding back. My heart sank so low that I could barely feel it beating.

Be proud, I heard the command from Cass echo in my drowning head. This was a part of myself - a part of my life - that I couldn't run away from. I will never lie about my scars, but I will never speak about them either. I took a deep breath and held the paper and pencil out to Jack, who was still waiting for an answer. I was done. I've surely given him enough.

"You are either very good, or very bad at fighting." He took it and smiled as got up. "We can chat about that another time." He walked to the door, but stopped before he opened it, "I almost forgot." He turned around. His smile was gone and he stared at me with the same serious eyes than before, "You have a compulsory check-up with Phil in a week's time. Until then, you're not allowed to run." He spoke with a kind of superiority that was hard to ignore.

Cass was silent, but she wasn't happy with the way he talked to us. I could feel her agitation as she paced in my mind. He continued, "When he says you're good to go, you'll run with me. Not on your own and definitely not while there are other wolves out." An inaudible growl vibrated in my throat. Luckily he didn't notice, "Any wrong move, and you're on your own." I could only stare at him. I was holding my breath as I tried my best to keep her growling under control and confined to my head. "I'll expect you to be at the breakfast table in half an hour. Grab a shower in the meantime."

When he closed the door behind him, the effects of the painkillers seemed to have left with him. Pain flooded my face, head and neck. Other than that, the growl from inside grew louder. I buried my face in the pillows trying to smother the sounds that was bursting from my insides. All the while praying that Jack was already far away and out of earshot. How dare he? I am not a pup! And he is not my Alpha! The she-wolf roared.

Calm down. We need this, Cass. Please. I begged as she tore at the insides of my mind, setting my head ablaze.

I will not bow down to a weak, unworthy leader. She directed her anger at me, This is all because of you! Because of you, I am in this pitiful position. Because of you I am now forced to show respect to the undeserving. Hot tears burned my eyes, as I listened to her rant, knowing that all of it was true.

I'd rather kill us than live under someone I don't respect! She promised, and then disappeared. Leaving me to deal with the wreckage she caused in my mind.

 Alone. Once again.